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Other Black Holes
It’s way past my grandma bedtime and what has kept me up is what has been keeping me up my entire life: a novel.
My Heart and Other Black Holes was supposed to be another novel to distract me from life and the disappointments I’ve had with it lately. I’ve always been optimistic and sunshine-y but crushing disappointments have left me empty.
You see, I wasn’t always this happy rah rah girl. There’s a dark side to me and in high school, I even described it as being in a “hole”. I wish I could tell you the reason for my sadness but there’s none. All I know is that it has nothing to do with the people around you or the medals around your neck.
Sadness engulfs and what’s maddening about it is that nobody seems to understand. There are good days and there are dark days. The dark days are the worst, I turn into a person completely opposite of who I am that even I scare me. My black holes used to be hidden out of the fear that it would scare people out.
But this ridiculously beautiful novel reminded me that:
1) there’s no need to hide the ugly / crazy parts of you from those you love and those who love you.
2) you don’t have to deal with your sadness alone.
3) it gets better.
I read can’t less article an depression that the reason most people end it is becaus their sadness takes over and they lose hope. They lose hope that things will get better and they lose hope of finding someone who loves them, crazy and all. Sometimes, since sadness is extremely exhausting, we think that waving the white flag is better but that is never the case. There is so much to live for and what tugged my heart (that is still sometimes sad but no longer drowning) a the fact that people do care and that we have the power in us to fight another day. We have the strength and resiliency to accept the reality we currently have and hope that there’s something better in the future.
It renewed my trust in the days to come and somehow, ignited a positive energy in me just when I needed it.
So thank you Jasmine Warga, the hole is never truly too black to get back from.
The Anti Cool Girl
(Blogger Disclaimer: This blog was not written to attack in any way the proverbial cool girl, in fact, I am all for cool girls, I love cool girls, I wish I was a cool girl but I’m not. So for all cool girls everywhere, you have my heart and my admiration forever)
I am not and will forever not be a cool girl. As defined by the very reliable Urban Dictionary, a cool girl is someone who “Shares interests with, hangs with, and (optionally) sleeps with a man she is interested in. Inevitably, she becomes a ‘cool girl’ and becomes ineligible for girlfriend status.” Thought Catalog also describes it rather throughly over here. To me, cool girls can be traced back to the halls of Colegio San Agustin, Makati. They were effortlessly beautiful and often walked the halls of school like goddesses. I would often stare at them with my mouth wide open while deciding if my Mister Donut was actually worth another bite.
As life progressed, I have forgotten all about the cool girls of my grade school past, but in the back of my mind, I have always thought how different life would be like if I have learned to strut like the cool girl. As I navigated my way through life, I have learned, read, and heard so many tricks of the trade when it comes to becoming a cool girl. I didn’t realize that life came with a playbook and I was lagging behind.
I don’t know why my once fascination with the cool girl came to mind while I was yet again ranting over something trivial with my officemate turned friend, Ley (we weren’t friends from the get go but we have developed a solid and transparent friendship over the years of working together) when she told me in her Ley-ness, “Girl, ikaw ang common factor. Ano ba kasing ginagawa mo?” In between giggles, foraging for food, and writing a recommendation, she also told me, “You have to be conscious of your patterns in order to break them.”
It was definitely a light bulb moment. Without boring you with the details and in the intention of keeping my private life private ala Kendall Jenner, I have come to the realization that maybe, this time around, the problem was in fact with me.
What have I been doing? Painfully and excruciatingly so during horrendous Manila traffic, I dissected what I’ve been doing wrong. And while some maybe too delicate to share via this blog, one major factor I can share with you, with no holds barred and filter is this, I depend so much on other people for my happiness.
I know that’s not what an independent 21st century woman should say but admitting it helps. I could go on and on and blame other people for making me the way I am but why do the have that much power over me anyway?
I’m extremely scared to be vulnerable because I don’t trust myself enough to believe in a formidable outcome. And because I don’t control the outcome, I freak out at the essence of losing control. When people tell me to simply “let it flow”, all I really want to do is kick them in shin and get blood flowing there because how the hell does someone do that?! For someone like me, who constantly goes after what she wants (because if I don’t get it myself, who will?), If plan A doesn’t work, I have 24 other plans to work on. You see, there’s always a way and no is not never an option.
Because of this, I overcompensate. At work, that’s a good thing, in other areas, not so much. I cannot for the life of me take defeat sitting down.
This is also probably because so much of my happiness depends on another person’s actions and that’s the one thing I cannot control. I keep thinking that if I just work harder, I’ll get what I want but that is seldom the case.
Another person’s decision has nothing to do with me. Another person’s decision is their decision and I have to accept that without being reduced to it. To constantly wait around to be validated in the way that I want to be has been very damaging to my soul and I have to consciously work on it as to not poison all other parts of me.
I guess I thought about the cool girl because I couldn’t help but think that if I was the cool, unaffected, sometimes rude cool girl, maybe I’ll have better chances. I’m this constantly cheer-y, you can do it, person and sometimes, it causes me to think that maybe if I stop being ferociously loyal for once in my life, the outcome may change.
But to be someone other than who I am pains me because this is who I am wired to be and if that’s too much for someone then I should let it be because I don’t need to be indifferent to who I am in order to be liked, loved, or even replied to. Maybe one day, I’ll find someone as dorky as I am but until then, I’m perfectly fine with me.
This post by Sophia Bush (how could Sophia Bush ever have problems such as this, I will never know).
6 AM
A wise person told me yesterday in between giggles, “You have to be concious of your patterns in order to break them.”
This random conversation on a rainy workday inspired this blog entry. Without boring you with the details (aka keeping my private life private ala Kendall Jenner), I was once again going through a series of monologues in my head brought about by a) overthinking and b) even more overthinking.
My brain doesn’t go just a mile a minute, it goes 20,000,000 / minute, it’s impossible for people to catch up because in my head it has ended before even before it began.
So while ranting over something trivial, my officemate turned friend Ley (we weren’t friends from the get go but we have developed a solid and transparent friendship over the years of working together) told me in her Ley-ness, “Girl, ikaw ang common factor. Ano ba kasing ginagawa mo?”
And it made me think. What have I been doing? Painfully and excruciatingly so during horrendous Manila traffic, I dissected what I’ve been doing wrong. And while some maybe too delicate to share via this blog, one major factor I can share with you, with no holds barred and filter is this, I depend so much on other people for my happiness.
I know that’s not what an independent 21st century woman should say but admitting it helps. I could go on and on and blame other people for making me the way I am but why do the have that much power over me anyway?
My heart is ferociously loyal too much too soon into the “game” (seriously whoever invented that should just rot and burnin hell right now) and as an innate “go-getter” (for a lack of a better term), I go for what I want with no hesitation. If plan A doesn’t work, I have 24 other plans to work on. You see, there’s always a way and no is not an option.
Because of this, I overcompensate. At work, that’s a good thing, in other areas, not so much. I cannot for the life of me take defeat sitting down.
This is also probably because so much of my happiness depends on another person’s actions and that’s the one thing I cannot control. I keep thinking that if I just work harder, I’ll get what I want but that is seldom the case.
Another person’s decision has nothing to do with me. Another person’s decision is their decision and I have to accept that without being reduced to it. To constantly wait around to be validated in the way that I want to be has been very damaging to my soul and I have to consciously work on it as to not poison all other parts of me.
Also, I have chosen to be true to who I am: a true blue dork who cannot for the life of me play the game if my life depended on it. I have been berated for being this woman for too long and I used to be ashamed of how pure my intentions are until today.
Yes, some people will never like me because I pick up their calls too soon or I respond to messages instantly but I realized so what? (A girl, in length, once told me how she bagged the guy, by not responding to his messages and by ignoring his calls. That’s amazing, I wish I had the time for such audacity.)
That’s who I am and it’s about time I stop being ashamed of the things that make me who I am.
Maybe one day, by sheer luck, I’d find a an equal dork who appreciates me but until then I’ll depend my happiness on me, the only person who can truly control it. 🙂
(Re) Touch Me Not
We live in a filtered world. We have moved on from perfecting our digital camera smiles to upload on Multiply and Friendster to perfecting our selfies and filters on Instagram. We used to hide our imperfections through angling and dim lighting but today we have become experts in making ourselves looking perfect on our screens.
Everyday we are bombarded with images of beautiful people and if we are not careful, we would easily get lost in what the world seems as “perfect”. This is especially true for my line of work, these thoughts were on my mind when I decided to approach an old friend and super hip blogger, Angela “The Gela Beef” Munoz. We have long wanted to partner on an entry together but we wanted our blog entry to be meaningful. It took months for our schedules to meet and for us to decide on a topic that was worth talking about and finally, we found a topic that hit close to home: finding confidence in our imperfections.
In a world where everyone craves to look their best, we wanted to take photos that showcased how we looked with no make up, no filters, and no edits. I personally feared the shoot at first because my skin has been a little bit wonky later. I also wanted to work on an angle that I was previously not comfortable with. Gela and I wanted to show girls that despite the cleanliness of our Instagram feeds, we also have insecurities.
I won’t be shy to admit that sometimes likes make me feel good about myself. I used to have the habit of posting “beautiful” selfies whenever I felt down but realized it was futile. Doing this project was therapeutic because truly there’s beauty in being who I am.
In a world that tempts us to always look our “selfie” best, embracing our differences is what liberates us. I used to shrivel in hiding trying to conceal my big lips and my anti- Filipino looks (believe me being tall and big boned doesn’t work in my favor in the Philippines) but lately, by the grace of God, I am finding joy in my traits that that make me different in the hopes of inspiring others to do the same.
Instead of hiding away while trying to blend in with the crowd, I have learned to trust that God has a reason in making me me and that includes my flaws. Gela was right in saying that often our flaws is what people love the most. And accepting one’s self has gone beyond just looks, I am also learning to embrace what makes me odd, quirky, and believe that the people God intends to be in our lives would love us for who we are so we have to stop cowering in fear, hoping nobody notices what makes us different.
God has a plan for you and your flaws will help propel that plan. He cannot bless who you pretend to be.
It is in our goal to tell women everywhere that it’s totally okay to be free in who you are. It’s okay to want to look great but it’s also fine to relish in your after workout glow with no make up.
Itis perfectly fine to look at yourself in the morning with no trace of filters and make up and actually relish in your quirkiness. We hope this inspires you to no longer hide your imperfections but instead fall in love them, own them, and shine in the way God intended you to.
Sharing with you my favorite quote by Marianne Williamson on shining so others can shine in the hopes of brightening up your week. Also, don’t forget to visit www.gelabeef.com to hear her inspiration story.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Returning Home
As I write this, I am already parked in my good ole bedroom trying to fight off jetlag the only way I know how: by sending random messages to good friends and watching the sordid flicks of the early 00s.
It has been a month and a week since I left for my grand adventure in the States an to be perfectly honest, the 13 hour flight back home felt extremely sad. For someone who said she loved her life in Manila just a month ago, this is creating extreme anxiety in me. I know in my heart that I need to be where I am but somehow, I can’t help but miss the person I was while in the States. The person was carefree and not laden with rules. She acted on what she felt like and to come home and be cautious once again because this is the reality of my life feels a bit like my entire world is closing in.
But maybe this is just the jetlag speaking or maybe not but maybe if I wish for things to change, I have to change them myself. So maybe that’s what I should do and hopefully tomorrow, I will enjoy Manila more but for now, I weep.
The Unraveling in LA
As I write this, I find myself in the kitchen of my uncle’s apartment in Beverly Hills. It has been a week since I got to Los Angeles and to say that my family exhausted every nook and cranny of LA is a gross understatement. We have traveled (on foot, mind you) to the most distinct places of LA and it has been magnificent. I haven’t had a proper vacation since I graduated from college in 2007 and not having to wake up at six am to go to work has been quite a welcoming experience for me.
Los Angeles is as beautiful as I recall it, however, you can definitely sense the air of sadness from the recession they went through in the last ten years. In my head, California has always been glitzy and glamorous and while it still is, I can’t help but sense the sadness and the struggle of people living here. People have a rough edge to them, as if this new way of living is surprising to them. Very much unlike Filipinos who have weathered quite a lot of storms and tragedies, it’s as if they are still reacquainting themselves with a new way of living.
Cliche as it may seem, I ran away from Manila with a broken heart. I won’t even lie about this or deny it. The thirteen hours on the plane with nothing but my stack of old movies, a good book, and my iPod was extremely therapeutic for me. It was as if I was leaving behind a part of me that needed to be left behind. My only prayer upon coming here was to be completely healed when I returned, I did not want to waste the trip nor use it as a band aid. I wanted to to heal completely and so far, God has been faithful in doing so. While other people use the time abroad to shop and party, I have used it to get reacquainted with my thoughts and feelings. It’s getting better and what I have learned I will share in another entry when the time is right.
One of the most exciting parts of the trip aside from visiting the famed Sta. Monica Beach is my time at the City Church Los Angeles! I have been listening to Pastor Judah Smith for quite awhile now and to see him in the flesh and hear him preach live was truly a dream come true. And to see so many people praising God in the middle of LA was astonishing and better yet, inspiring.
We also had our very own celebrity run-ins in the short time we’ve been here and most importantly, we have been able to run around Beverly Hills and Rodeo Drive, which is another thing off my bucket list.
The two things I learned during this trip so far is a) Manila will always be home (despite the small circles and the same people, I actually enjoy living there!) and b) I actually created a life that I don’t need a vacation from. It’s a blessing to be able to take a break for the sake of sanity but I’m blessed to know that I’m not taking a break to escape from all of it. Yes, I ran away with a broken heart but I intended to face it head on here by dealing with my emotions. So today, I’m glad to no longer feel the ache as I wake up. Truly, this vacation came at the right time.
We move on to Vegas on Tuesday and I’ll check in again. I’m just thankful to Jesus that I was finally able to write again. I still firmly believe that only great days are ahead.
The State of Life Right Now
Last night before going to bed I only had one prayer, for me to be able to wake up and be okay again.
Without boring you with the details (and also because I rarely let people know what’s wrong), I just had a transformative week. It was the kind of week that makes you question who you are, what you believe in, and if life is even worth living. It’s safe to say, I had a dramatic week and in a week (actually in about five months), the things I feared the most happened. And guess what, I’m still standing.
And when I woke up this morning, God gave me a strong sense of healing and clarity and instantly, I knew that I would be okay. It even went as far as being happy for this person and wishing this person well. It also gave me a strong sense of self-love, accepting that sometimes on the way of becoming a better version of me, I would have to hurt people, though unintentionally.
It would have been easy to just take it and mask it as unconditional love, but love also means letting people see their behavior for what it is. For once in my life, I refused to be the doormat and while it temporarily broke me, it also made me see myself in an entirely new dimension. No more proving myself to be worthy and no more bending over backwards for someone who won’t even cross a small bridge to get to me.
I tried that and it was good for a time, but once it reaches a point of resentment, there’s nothing better to do than to let go. We can love people from a distance and wish them well, but for them to constantly take advantage of you is damaging to your soul and must be let go of. You were not meant to be hidden or ashamed of, even if you two are just friends or more than friends. Be with someone who treats you like a decent human being. And also, life is not about constantly taking, it’s always a process of give and take.
More than anything, I prayed to have the ability to forgive and to let go of how the situation should have been. So now that it’s over, without having to explain anything, it’s time to move forward.
Only great things are ahead.
“The thought of my pain, my homelessness, is bitter poison. I think of it constantly, and my spirit is depressed. Yet home returns when I remember this one thing: The Lord’s unfailing love and mercy still continue, fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise. The Lord is all I have and so in Him, I put my hope.” – Lamentations 3:19-24
