(Disclaimer: One of Many)

“In the past months, I’ve been consumed by my relationships with people other than someone special. I used to think that a relationship with a significant other was the only one that would make me happy, but as I look at the relationships that I’ve invested in lately: God, friends, family and colleagues, I realized that I don’t need one to make me feel whole. Instead, I take the bits and pieces of these relationships and they’re enough to sustain me.

I’m no hypocrite, I do great scared. I want that crazy love to drive me insane from my head all the way to my toes, i’m afraid that while i’m busy saving other people, i’m slowly missing out.

But you know, saving people, in a really absurd way saves me too, because when you love people, you learn a lot about yourself as well. And you improve. You get up each day and you become a better version of yourself.

And that’s just fabulous, because when that time finally comes, then I won’t screw it up.”

I met a boy today.

His name is Raine.

But after five minutes, he changed his mind and said that his name was Flash-as in the action hero voiced by Michael Rosenbaum (I wonder if he’s still hot).

He’s also five years old and he gave me the most interesting and smartest pick-up line I’ve heard in awhile, “Hi! Isn’t your name Rose? Didn’t you tell me that your name is Rose?” which is funny because he just entered the room.

Smart kid.

**

I was chatting with Arvin and Nolan last night and let me tell you, talking to them at the same time about relatively deep stuff can be a bit mindblowing when you get down to it because well, they use words like gratification and a lot of other mumbo jumbos that I cannot remember (individualized households is a prime example, need i say more?)

But basically, they spoke about a little sacrifice really wouldn’t hurt anyone now would it? And in a way, I believed them.

Arvin and I also spoke about marriage and how it should not operate as an individualized household and how I should learn to learn vicarously through others.

These two are my pick-me-uppers and I looove them.

**

Almost done with Jodi Picoult’s Mercy. Seriously, would you love someone that much? Would you choose to be the one who loves more?

The book’s premise explains that in a relationship it’s never fifty-fifty, instead there’s always one who loves more.

Isn’t that a scary thought? Especially if you’re the seventy percent and not the thirty? 😀

**

Watching a cute TV show, SMILE AGAIN. Oh, wow! <3

To Tita Cathy, Basia and Kayin: I pray for strength to get through this trial. There will be sunshines to warm you and comfort you.

To Tito Empoy: May you eternally rest in peace

To everyone I love: I love you. Life’s too short. Live radically!

Q: Type in “[your name] needs” in the Google search.
> Carla needs *guidance and counseling! haha 🙂

Q: Type in “[your name] looks like” in Google search.
> Carla looks like *an idiot, according to a myspace page! haha 😉

Q: Type in “[your name] says” in Google search.
> Carla says *says she is happy to be French after Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s…

Q: Type in “[your name] wants” in Google search.
> Carla wants *wants to have a baby with her husband President Nicolas Sarkozy but would be just as happy to adopt one (apparently, she’s popular in France!!! haha)

Q:Type in “[your name] does” in Google search.
> Carla does *Time Square on Flickr 🙂

Q: Type in “[your name] hates” in Google search.
> Carla hates *shopping according to close friends (uhhh. not really!)

Q: Type in “[your name] asks” in Google search.
> Carla asks *Sarkozy not to send terrorists!

Q: Type in “[your name] likes ” in Google search.
> Carla likes *to run nakes (OMG!)

Q: Type in “[your name] eats ” in Google search.
> Carla eats *madagascar hissing cockraoch (okay, eww!)

Q: Type in “[your name] wears ” in Google search.
> Carla wears * CARLA BRUNI wears flats for hubby French president NICOLAS SARKOZY (ha ha ha. there used to be a time! now i love my heels more! hmp!)

Q: Type in “[your name] was arrested for” in Google Search.
> Carla was arrested for *two paparazzi were arrested for taping intimiate conversations of Carla Bruni.

Q: Type in “[your name] loves” in Google Search.
> Carla Loves *My Space Profile Carla Loves Steve”

… So we can all FINALLY begin again.

For the past two days, I’ve been constantly writing and rewriting several drawn-out blog entries about all the negative things happening around my life in the past month and I think that is what caused my break-down last night.

I literally woke up in the middle of the night and without realizing it, I felt my heart tighten and everything turned to black. In a split second, with the lights off and everything around me so dark, I came to the point when I realized that I had so much hate and strife inside of me.

I once told myself that I was happy and that I have forgiven everyone, including myself for everything that has happened before me, but in reality, last night was a true testament of what was inside of my heart.

I’d like to believe that the darkness inside of me, just like everyone else, doesn’t make up the entirety of me, but last night, the pit in my heart made me think, “What if one day, I do wake up with nothing in me but darkness?”

I refused to go to work today, thinking that maybe my work environment is the reason why I’m so mad at the world. I guess it was the first time that I admitted, that maybe I am not happy with where I am at this point in my life.

Of course, my mother did not take any of my crap and insisted that I go to work today and here I am; a bit happier than yesterday, but what my life is truly calling for is joy and peace that I once had.

Somewhere along the beginning of 2009, I started to change my thinking that used to work well for me. I started thinking that when my prayers are answered and when I’m given a new job which is more comfortable, that’s when I’d be happy.

I know it will happen, I have faith and maybe, somewhere along the way, I have distorted my view in such a way that I’d only be happy if I was able to leave that level of comfort, especially with my job.

I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon, since I’m an overachiever and driven to the core. I don’t think there’d be a day when I think I have it go. I have this need to grow constantly, at that is good to a fault because when you’re never satisfied, you’re hardly contented and the Bible says a lot of things about contentment. I’m still figuring that out, I’ll let you know when I finally do.

So I realized the simple truth that you know, I cannot move forward without allowing myself too.

I can easily say that I can do whatever it takes to make myself happy and actually not do anything and stick to my old way of living so instead, I’m stepping up and doing radical changes in my life, slowly but surely (inspired by Bo Sanchez)

Beginning tomorrow, I will start doing the following:

1) Read two books a week, one for pure leisure and one related to Marketing, Economics, Advertising or the like.

2) Must work out every day, even just for ten minutes.

3) Count to ten before saying anything when in the state of panic.

4) Start writing again.

5) Strive to add a little something to your job, even if its undeniably difficult to do so.

6) Heal, slowly, but surely, heal.

Sa totoo lang pag nagpatawad ka, ang first instinct mo is to think that the person you are forgiving is actually worth it.

Alam mo yun, may remorse, may konting regret.
E hindi e.

Ang nangyari, nabaliktad lang ang storya. Ikaw ang masama, sila ang bida at ang masakit diyan hindi lang sila kaibigan e, mas pa.

So what happens kung pati loyalty ng pinakaimportanteng tao sayo e kinuha pa?

E di wala. Lumaban ka ikaw din ang masama.

So what do you do?

You let it go. Just like that.

Kahit gaano kadali sabihin yan, matagal ako nakarating sa point na ito dahil at the end of the day, you still want to FIGHT BACK.

Pero ano?

Magiging cycle lang ang buhay mo. So tama din ang cousin mo dahil even if you forgive, you can’t forget kasi baka ikaw din naman ang talo.

So you take a step back and believe, with all your heart that God is working.

Slowly but surely, HE IS.

And that fact remains no matter what you do, or what IS SAID ABOUT YOU.

If ever you’re reading this, I just have one question, “Masaya ka ba?”

Dahil kung oo, congrats, happy narin ako kasi napasaya kita.

Cheers!

I think I had a mini break down last week.

I was bored to death and detested office politics even more this week than any other time this month.

But I’m determined to have a better week this week and try several perspective changes that might, or better yet, will change my life.

You know, I noticed that we are always being placed in situations that test us and no amount of complaining can allow us to escape it.

So you turn situation around and you see what you could learn from it. It’s so tiring to have an eternal scowl on your face and a heavy heart because you keep fueling its belief that you’re not where you want to be.

Frustrating at best, disruptive at worst. No other way to go but to find your own happiness, whether it be from a book, a coffee cup or a tv series and if you’re lucky you draw joy from all three. The Desiderata reminds us to always strive for happiness, no matter what.

I do miss my kids, just like I miss them everyday but the good times hardly teach us anything. I think they’re meant to be there to get us through crappy times.

However, I debunk the belief (and my all time fear) that you never quite get what you want and all days echo the same emptiness and sadness.

It’s one of those emo days but I gotta stop allowing my emotions take over me and you know i’m learning.

Respect is a word that’s thrown around often but hardly practiced.

Let’s all have a great weekend. Monday’s going to be the start of a slammin’ week 🙂

Btw 2 books I recommend:
1) How Starbucks Saved My Life (Gates, Michael)
2) Heaven’s Butterfly by my little sis, Pia Guballa. I’m proud of you, you know I am.

You know there are days when you strive for happiness, while there are other days that they come naturally.

So on days like this, when it’s extremely difficult to find that certain kind of happines, you close your eyes because you believe that it’s going to happen, it will happen and all you have to do is to keep a little faith alive.

After all, God is good and someday, you’ll understand 🙂

· I do not want you to embark upon the road that I have taken even though it may seem like that initially. I may tell you this jokingly, but I do believe that you will surpass whatever trail I’ve set. You will get higher grades, be a better friend and be even more successful than I was in college.

· Choose your friends wisely. They will define who you are. But don’t be judgmental; be open to everyone because everyone you meet along the way will have a story to share and a lesson for you to learn. Don’t put up walls the way I did, people aren’t out to get you.

· Also remember, that just like you, everyone else is human. They make mistakes, the ones you trust and love most will do something that will break your spirit and your belief in human kind, but don’t fret, be quick to forgive. This is a lesson I’ve learned late in life, I hope you don’t commit the same mistake. Allow people to make mistakes, give them room to grow, but at the same time, be wise enough to know which ones are fooling you and which ones are sincere. It’s tricky, but you’ll learn it soon enough.

· You will earn enemies, but you will earn more friends. You’ll fall in love, get rejected but that’s okay because at one point, you will do the rejecting as well.

· You will be the best, only if you allow yourself to be.

· Don’t be afraid and most importantly, don’t let anybody else’s fear catch up with you. Probably, they couldn’t do it before, maybe something has stopped them from doing so, but their mistakes doesn’t define you or what greatness you are about to embark on. Instead, learn from them. Like a play in basketball, analyze their strategy and see where they went wrong and from there, don’t follow the same suit.

· In line with this, listen to your heart and listen to what it wants to do. This is not so difficult brother because it rings true, whatever it is that gives you the most fulfillment, whatever leaves you smiling before you close your eyes at night, that is what your life’s calling is. It may not be an easy road and you may be forced to do something that you don’t want to do at the beginning, but stay focused. You’ll get there, in time.

· Don’t stop dreaming. Don’t let little failures and heartaches stop you from dreaming. Don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t deserve something or something is too absurd to come true.

· Believe me brother, everything and I do mean everything is within your reach. Work hard. Work very hard and don’t accept failure as the dead end.

· Don’t be stubborn, there’s always room to grow. Listen to people. Don’t be too defensive. When people criticize something that you’ve done, whether done constructively or harshly, always understand that there’s a good in that. Don’t retreat to anger, learn what you could and move on. No use in punching that person’s face out, simply learn.

· Learn to forgive our parents. As you step into a different realm of reality, you will realize that our parents aren’t superheroes and most of the time, we end up saving them instead of them saving us. The cycle will turn around as you get older, so you have to be strong enough to deal with this kind of reality. They make mistakes, they commit errors, as reality bursts your bubble you will realize that they can’t protect you from every rejection, every heartache and every witch you come across. But you’d have them to hug you, cry with you and give you that extra pinch of cash (I’m just saying!) when you need the most. Argue with them, but understand that at your age, they do know what’s best.

· Fall in love, at the right time. If they break your heart once, most likely they will do it again so make sure that the person you choose is worth. However, trust me when I say that college is not the best time for you to fall crazy in love, because falling crazy in love, no matter how carefree it may seem to be, has its consequences and has a certain responsibility attached to it, so no, not yet.

· Stomp on conformity. Nothing tastes as bad as being like everyone else. So don’t even think about it!

· When you drink, make sure you have well-meaning friends around you, but I do hope that you rise above the norm, above the standard. A man with dignity is a man that any girl would marry so no to drugs and everything else. It’s all about the hype.

· Never stop dreaming. It’s the only thing that keeps you sane, and you know, dreams do come true, at the right time, at the right place and yes, with the right person.

· Find your faith. Again, don’t follow what I do or what everyone else is doing. Find your own relationship with the Lord, cultivate it and don’t be afraid to share it to the world.

· You’ll do great in college brother. You were born to change the world, not conform to it. I LOVE YOU!