December 20, 2013
Uncategorized
Purpose
Fresh tears in the morning courtesy of the video below. There are times when we get lost in the world of wanting more and being more (or in the case of women, wanting to lose more weight) while forgetting that we are put on this earth to share God’s love and to help others discover that power.
Watch and may you be transformed.
Untitled
From the moment we came across our first Disney movie, we have been told that love, in order to be true, must last forever.
While that maybe true, it also greatly underestimates all other kinds love. Because of the fairytales, and the chick lit/ flicks we’ve come across, we start to demand from love instead of seeking to put another first.
We get lost in the chaos of ‘effort’ and the ‘is he into me’ game without realizing that raw love never demands to be noticed. It just loves simply because there’s no other way for it to be felt.
Love, they say, transforms. So many stories begin with, ‘he/ she was never who I imagined myself to be with’. Constantly the girl with a list of set standards, this often bothered me up until recently.
Many writers before me have written about life changing love, and I’ve hesitated in writing about mine out of the fear that my words will never be enough to depict the beauty in my life.
Just like in the movies, there was an unlikely lead, but unlike the movies, it wasn’t about a relationship, but rather how one changed the other.
This kind of love, no matter how brief or unconventional it may have been wasn’t like what I’ve watched, read, or heard before. The love didn’t demand, but simply seeped into one’s consciousness and left an impact that was going to affect change for a very long time.
I have come to know that love, just like quote by Mr. Wilde said, has nothing to do with how one looks, where one came from, or even what one has done. Love comes rather unexpectedly and one’s world is changed completely. For others, the changes have been unfortunate, but for me, it has been beautitul.
No longer does my hardened, cynical heart judge or question, it was as if I was left with a heart so big I now simply accepted people instead of judging them.
2014 brought about my life’s biggest heartbreak and at the same time, also rewarded me with a love that will greatly affect my view of relationships and people in the future. It may have not been what I asked God for, but it was exactly what I needed to learn.
I have been humbled two times over: first rather hurtfully because the first one never thought I was enough, and the second one, humbled because I didn’t know I could love beyond one’s imperfections and jarring differences.
It wasn’t the requited love of the books, but it touched me for a moment and I knew that there was power in loving from a distance, and power in choosing to let go while wishing for the best for another.
It has taught me to be kinder both to myself and others, and most importantly, it cemented my belief that God indeed has a purpose for everyone you meet.
And while I may regret the first one, I could never regret you, and all the color and laughter you’ve poured into my life.
Until our paths cross again.
A Year of Running in High Heels
It has been a year since my life changed.
Today marks the day I turned my back on the academe and plunged head first into the crazy world of Public Relations and Advertising.
Despite graduating with a degree in Advertising and Public Relations (Yes, the world was probably telling me something already), I stubbornly tried my luck in the education sector simply because it has always been a lifelong dream of mine.
As it turns out (and as much as I try to control it), life had other plans for me and last year, I found myself head first in an industry I hardly knew anything about.
I woke up busy today and didn’t even realize it’s my one year work anniversary until I opened up my trusty planner. I’m tempted to write and say that it’s all sunshine, rainbows, and roses but very much like anything else in the world, there’s a good, a bad, a messy, and a painful.
It’s a process of learning, leaving behind old mentalities, and at the same time, constantly fine tuning my attitude and letting some things go.
The biggest challenge for me was overcoming my rigid ‘academe’ mentality in favor of a relaxed (for the lack of a better term) and a flexible work environment. Coming from an extremely competitive school environment (yup, heads rolled the first time I didn’t get that straight A+ card) that was soon followed by a rigid work environment (you better get that Master’s Degree to get a higher salary), I didn’t understand an environment that didn’t entertain that kind of competitiveness.
For the first time in my life, I didn’t have to prove that I had it together all the time out of the fear of getting memo-ed or worse, getting fired (not that it has ever happened to me, but still). My previous work environment has trained me to be ruthless in my work dealings- untrusting of others and always making sure my work was accounted for out of the fear of someone else taking credit.
It was like I left the Dauntless compound and thrown into Amity without even realizing it. But I’m learning, I’m learning to trust (which is really an extremely difficult concept for me), to surrender, and most especially, to tear down the walls.
It’s not easy, especially after being in control for so long, but again, I’m learning.
Despite the many challenges, I am happy to note that I am happy. That despite the cringe worthy experiences (little mistakes, temper tantrums, and cries in the corner), I know I’m where I’m supposed to be.
It’s quite a blessing to wake up each day wanting more, and wishing there were more work hours in a day rather than less of them. It isn’t a rainbow littered path but all the beautiful things in life aren’t.
Now, off to do those reports.
Goodbye.
Love, among other drugs.
For as long as I can remember, I have always turned to the power of the pen long before I even distinguished myself as a writer.
I vividly recall my first ever diary — a Pocahontas diary with matching pen. I don’t quite recall what I’ve written as a young child, but it was never about my day, it was more about what I felt, and even as a young child, I have always felt things passionately. I’ve never been the type to not feel things, feeling to me is synonymous to living.
As I grew older, portals of expression have changed. I recall people not knowing what a blog was when I started my first in 2004, and I saw it transform, creating other portals such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and so on. Now, people (both emotional and unemotional) have more means to express themselves, and for someone who feels as deeply as I do, this a positive progress.
Although at times it has been extremely difficult for me to restrain my emotions, and to admit it, I am the type of person who goes all out — when I love, I love deeply. I’m loyal and optimistic to a badgering fault — just like Elizabeth Gilbert, I have been a victim of my own optimism, often falling in love with people’s potential, rather than the mess they are currently in.
And just like the character in one of my old favorites Nicholas Sparks novel, I find myself wanting to save people and not just potential love interests, but people in general. I have always strived to see the good in people and fall apart when I see that they’re nowhere near who I expect them to be. Which isn’t really their fault, I gave them more than enough credit, unfairly, unjustly, because I put them on an impossible pedestal, one no human could ever meet, not even me.
Dealing with people from this mindset has often become a source of disappointment, heartache, and useless tears. My head is constantly in the clouds, expecting people to love me, and be as transparent as I am. This is the reason why betrayal, in any form, hits me to the core — in a way, I expected to be love the way I love — raw, unfiltered, and all out.
Recent disappointments and heartaches made me rethink the way I approach people and relationships. For others, the solution was simple, cut people off. But for me, someone who loved gregariously, whether returned or not, that was an impossibility, there’s a certain joy that comes in loving and being there for people. Being stoic and unassuming makes me feel like the oxygen in my lungs have been cut out. It’s love or nothing.
Today, it makes me wonder if I am wasting my love on people who would never appreciate it. And if it makes me wonder if it matters. Truth is, it doesn’t. I don’t love to get loved back, I love because it’s who I am, it makes me who I am.
And if the consequence of being who I am is being hurt by a few people who don’t appreciate it, then I’ll simply let it be. The world already has so much of people who stop loving simply because they’ve been hurt, and so far, it has only caused chaos, and even more pain.
So I continue to be who I am — battlescars and all, because I know one day, even when I no longer expect it, that love will be returned, and even better, this kind of love might inspire others to be just as brave.
You don’t lose anything when you love, so might as well give as much as you can, and when the time is right, take it — no fear, no boundaries, and most of all, no apprehensions.
Life can only be lived in love.
Came across something inspiring today. Hope this helps your day.
“Know that life is not fair and that you will fail often, but if take you take some risks, step up when the times are toughest, face down the bullies, lift up the downtrodden and never, ever give up—if you do these things, then next generation and the generations that follow will live in a world far better than the one we have today and—what started here will indeed have changed the world—for the better.”
Revenge: The Anti Emily Thorne Edition
Revenge. Vengeance. Retaliation. Retribution.
It has spawned many TV shows, books, and movies. Most superhero movies come alive because of the villains innate need to avenge them selves. Often, I ask myself if villains/ protagonists / famed kontrabidas ever consider them selves as such. Do they think of themselves as the evil ones or do kontrabidas constantly think they’re the “victim” as an excuse to justify the cruel way they treat people.
Either way, I can’t completely judge the villain because at the end of the day, it’s all about perspective. We’ve been hurt and we have hurt people (intentional or not), but at the end of the day, we don’t think we’re at fault. We somehow think that being betrayed / hurt (whether it truly exists or only exists in our mind) gives us the right to hurt people back.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, so they say.
I know what anger feels like. I know what it feels like to be utterly consumed by the need to give someone a proper payback. Revenge seems so sweet until its deceitful web tangles you up. Strong people know when to walk away and when to shut up. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, I become weak.
It really does help to take a second before reacting. I’ve always been the queen of reacting (over reacting, if you may say so), however, lately well – meaning people have taught me that sometimes all you have to do is to leave the battle to the Lord.
I recall a time when I was a sophomore in college and became one of the very first victims (there goes that word again) of cyberbullying. My entire school knew that I was the target of specific blog post that detailed nothing but lies (I have long patched things up with this blogger, but for the sake of conversation) and yet, I didn’t find the need to prove myself or fight back. Ever since then I have learned to let things slide.
However, there are things that truly cut deep. Things that are done to the people we love the most cut deeper than anything done to us. We want to fight back for those we love. I wanted to fight for the people I love.
Now I understand where Emily Thorne from Revenge is coming from. At any given moment upon betrayal, we wonder if should fight for the people closest to our hearts or simply let it be. Some say, they are not worth the fight or even the words, but sometimes anger clouds you, leaving no room for reason.
However, often these people are not worth it. Hurt people hurt people. Insecure people use words to bring down others. People with issues try the hardest to pull people into their misery. Unhappy people want others unhappy. Miserable people never want anyone to do better than them.
It’s all about perception.
Often these people have everything they could ever need and yet still find the time to ruin others. There’s never peace in their hearts or sweet slumber. They’re constantly looking over their shoulder, completely unsatisfied with how beautiful their life truly is. They get their happiness from other people’s validation, whether in relationships or at work. They constantly try to be someone they’re not, therefore quenching any inner peace they might actually have.
Envy is a ridiculous thing. It’s the illusion that everyone else is getting what we’re supposed to have. Anyone consumed by it is never truly free, and when you think of it that way, it’s completely, utterly sad.
It’s just the way the world works happy / good / unselfish people never intend to ruin others. It’s just not in their nature to do so. So what’s the point of seeking “revenge” in people who are already so miserable? Nothing. So the best thing to do is simply walk away, not because you’re a coward who can’t fight for yourself, but because you are strong enough to know that it’s only broken people who cause misery in others. And that no matter how many lives they torch, ruin, and scandalize they will never be happy, so might as well bless them and let them be.
It’s simply how the world works, and the only way to extinguish darkness is to bring light in.
That’s truly the only way to live. By living like this, you may lose the battle, but you will eventually win the war.
Of Monsters and Men…
When you’re 25 and you’re meeting new people, it is likely that they ask you the following questions:
1) Are you done with school? (I am getting to the age where I can actually appreciate this question!)
2) What do you do? (We just met, why do you need to know!)
3) Are you married? (Seriously, we fought for women’s rights to be married at 20!)
4) Proceeded by a “Why not?” and soon followed by a “So who are you dating?”
I still wonder really why my love life (or lack thereof) is such an interesting topic for the people I meet and why they feel it’s a big deal that I’m not seeing anyone. Sometimes, I get tired of asking the same questions over and over again (doesn’t it get lonely? maybe you’re intimidating? maybe you’re not being friendly enough?). I try my best to steer the conversation, but somehow it always lands to that big sullen question.
The endless tirade of questions make me wonder why I bother answering them and why I try to explain what I vowed I’d do (or keep, however you may want to look at it) since I was sixteen. I’ve learned that it’s not a good thing to broadcast it to everyone who asks (another reason why I have stopped answering these questions).
But for all intent and purposes (and while my phone is charging and I can’t read Attachments), I decided to touch on this topic more for the fun of it rather than making a statement.
And while I have not fully committed to anyone (walls with drawbridges to keep them away), I’ve had my fair share of encounters with certain men (mostly from my friends’ stories and far away infatuations) to know that they are nothing like what the Brat Pack defined them as.
Yes, I have been fooled into thinking that real Nathan Scotts exist and have been traumatized by the numerous stories I’ve heard first hand of how evil (again, don’t take this entry seriously) they truly can be.
1) The Nathan Scott
Ah! My favorite kind. If someone were to ask me to describe my dream boy, I would be quick to describe Nathan Scott – the one who changed for Hailey. Well, I’ve met a lot of pre- Hailey Nathans and haven’t met anyone who actually changed for Hailey. I know all that yada about not expecting anyone to change for you, but come on, when does the playa ever stop plaaying! Get your issues together son and come back when you’re done sorting them out.
2) The Dork aka Joseph Gordon Levitt
Here’s a secret: they only pretend to be dorks. Most of the time, they’re hidden Nathan Scotts trying to catch an actress/ model / beauty queen to boost their social status without realizing they can actually do that on their own by working extremely hard. JGL and Atom Araullo are two in two million.
3) The Best Friend / The Boy Next Door
I actually don’t have a bad experience with Dawson Leery. Most people have said that best friends turn into the best boyfriends. Although with me, best guy friends are that – best guy friends. I have yet to experience that click and that turn. But really, is it worth losing awesome friends over?
4) The Bad Boy
Ah! The bad boys. The bad boys. Actually I don’t know why I put them on the list. Maybe my OC tendency to make a list at least five? But I’ve never encountered a bad boy. I’m trying to wreck my brain but nada, zilch. I’ve always been afraid of them so next… (But let me just say, being broken by the bad boy doesn’t sting as much as compared to getting hurt by the next one on the list…)
5) The Golden Boy
God knows I’ve been broken by the ultimate golden boy (yep, no clue to be given). Aside from constantly going for the Nathan Scotts of the world, I have also fallen hook, line, and sinker for the golden boy. The boys who look SO SO good on paper. They have good degrees (and even honors under their names), they treat their moms right (ay, in public lang pala), and even (gasp!) appear to be compassionate and kind. I think more than anyone on the list, girls should be careful with this type, simply because you don’t know who they turn into when the doors are closed and the adoring public are gone.
But, despite the many mismatches, it amazes me how one can actually be the perfect match for someone else. And while some of them have been complete monsters (still are! whoops!) when I met them, seeing them turn into a beautiful less monster-y character around their one great love. So, I guess just like what Ally Mc Beal said, even if it doesn’t happen for me, I’m happy it still happens for other people and despite my tirade, I do believe that it’s an extremely wonderful thing.
And I pray, that no matter how hurt you’ve been by the men on the list — know that God has someone perfect for you. That person maybe a monster to the one he’s not meant to be with, but he will be the prince you have been waiting for. But the only way to meet him is if you let go of the monster you’re with now. And while it’s easy to constantly gripe about how hurt we’ve been, the best way to get over it is to stop crying about it. Let your last tears fall and believe that it all works out — because the wonderful thing in meeting all these toads is that among them there really is a Prince out there for you. In the meantime, focus on cleaning out the wreckage done by the monsters, and focus on other things – -there are so many glorious things in the world to focus on and so many other people who need your love and attention.
God, I haven’t had a cheesy entry in ages — so enjoy this while you can hidden romantics and let it inspire you to not be bitter ha ha ha!
The Yellow Brick Road to Wanderlust
It has been ten years since I became a high school senior.
I recall being a pudgy almost sixteen year old with her head constantly in the clouds, and when I say constantly, I mean constantly. I recall spending my Trig classes daydreaming about everything and anything.
I’ve always thought it was a cliché when older people would say that the time between then and now passed by in a blur, but now I know that it’s true. It’s as if I have been yanked out of my high school stupor and brought into this world where I am an adult with real life responsibilities. As I was going through old files from my first years as a working girl (spent writing stories, with my head in the clouds as usual), it made me question the things I believe in now as compared to the things I used to believe in.
In a true Peter Pan act, I suddenly compared what who I used to be with who I am now and wonder if I have changed for the better. I could never objectively answer that but I’d like to think that my faith in people, no matter how many times I’ve been hurt / betrayed, has stood the test of time. It’s also easy to say that I am more forgiving of others, I’ve always placed certain people on a pedestal – incapable of mistakes or wrongdoing without realizing that they, just like me, are simply trying to do the best they can with the lives and circumstances they’ve been given. In the words of Judah Smith, it’s all about loving them especially when I don’t feel like it or when they don’t give me a reason to. It’s not easy, but by God’s grace – I’m getting there. (Can’t say that much about bad calls made during games – but that’s an entirely different blog entry.)
In some way, I have become more passive, although still driven by a strong sense of wanting to change the world. I guess what has changed from a few years ago is that I have (stubbornly so) accepted that things take time, and in order to make certain dreams come true, I have to hold in the reins and let time do what its supposed to. I am no longer the eager 20 something straight out college desperately wanting the corner office. Now I understand that it’s not just about getting the job 100% right all the time, I’ve been more forgiving of my own mistakes and spend less time agonizing over them. Again, such a cliché but my mistakes don’t define me, it’s how I bounce back and learn from them that would.
What a journey it has been so far and a great part of it has been documented on this blog of mine, and for the first time on Sunday, I move away from the world wide web and into a real, living, breathing paper!!!! After being a contributor for four years, I am now a columnist for The Manila Times! Beginning Sunday, my yup tastic adventures will be out on Wanderlust (hipster lang!). Let me just say, God really is in the business of making dreams come true!
And while some things may have changed in the past year, I’m proud to say that my optimism hasn’t tarnished one bit — so I’m ending this the way that I always have — looking forward to the great days ahead.
