March 31, 2014 - admin Leave a comment

Monsters & Candies

Now, I know what they meant when they said that beauty is more than skin deep.

That while the physical is what initially captures the eye, a sense of humor and a great character makes someone endearing over time.

I’ve had my fair share of candies. You know beautiful on the outside but all air on the inside. Perfect on paper, and I’m quoting Rihanna for a bit here, a monster when the lights are turned off. I’ve been lured by a good degree, great family background, a “flashy” career, and even by their “almost perfect” social networking accounts. I’ve been living way too much in the land of Hilary Duff et all without realizing that in reality, some diamonds are really in the rough.

God knows I’ve been tricked more times than I can count by men who seemed perfect, but once I get close they turn into entitled womanizers who don’t know anything about self love, or at the very least, self respect.

But thank God I’ve seen the difference, and not just in men, but in people in general. I have just come to realize that beautiful people are beautiful because they have substance, and they’ve been through things that have honed them to be caring, kind, and compassionate. These are the things that matter and the things that are admirable. Things I may have missed for a pretty set of eyes, but thanking God He saved me from that life of debauchery.

Now, I see people the way the Little Prince does– using my heart, and so far it’s been doing me good.

March 31, 2014 - admin Leave a comment

Joy 2.0

I know I haven’t written in awhile and that’s not because no thoughts were significant enough to permanently ink the World Wide Web with but actually because they were too many and too inconsistent to pin down.

While it would be sassy to say I stayed away from sharing my thoughts on purpose, (actually I was prepping to be a fashion blogger haha😁) that isn’t really true. You see for the first time in forever, I was overwhelmed by the thoughts consuming me. And while we’re only veering towards the 4th month of 2014, it was as if I’ve spent a lifetime battling wars I shouldn’t have engaged in in the first place.

Truth be told, I honestly don’t understand where the chaos came from, however, I do know in my heart that it was necessary.

I entered into 2014 with a hopeful heart. In my head, I felt like finally, my most fervent prayer was going to be answered (previous posts reflect what that is). However, we all know that when we try to dictate the hows, the whens, and the whos (ouch!), God swoops in and does something entirely different.

Being the obedient child that I am, I wrestled with God and the answers He was giving me. His answers were nowhere near the picture perfect life I imagined my life to be, instead, it was the exact opposite.

For the longest time, I questioned what I’ve done (or didn’t do) to deserve the empty prayers (I was just too blind to see that God was answering miraculously!) without realizing that my Abba knew the best for me even before I realized it myself. What I was asking for was only going to lead to my ruin, I didn’t see it then, and I don’t clearly see it now but I trust Him.

But more than that, what I could truly thank God for is all the changes He did on the inside– there have been deep scars that have twisted how I depicted how life should be and without the blinders, I see clearly now and most importantly, I could sense His love clearly now. There is so much joy in my heart now that I wish I could translate to words but God’s love is bigger than any words I could ever muster on my own.

And while I couldn’t describe it, I pray for you to experience this great love and joy by experiencing the truth of Jesus. It’s joy that goes beyond any understanding and any circumstance. It’s joy that is renewed every morning because God knows we use it all up in one day (on busy days, I need two refills or more!) but it’s the constant thing in life.

So despite the scars, the tears, and the long fought battle, I’m grateful for those 3 months because if I didn’t go through such chaos, life as I now know it would be different.

And right now, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

March 3, 2014 - admin Leave a comment

Hi

It’s been awhile since I sat down and sifted through my thoughts.

One part of me thinks, meh, I’m 25, I should stop writing my feelings into this almost 10 year old blog. However, it being my companion for so long, I can’t help but turn to it everytime something happens in my life.

It’s amazing how God surprises you I ways one can never imagine. I’ve always believed and declared this in my life, however when it happens, you can hardly appreciate it because you never see it for what it is. Sometimes we go through life waiting for something to happen without realizing that it has been there all along, we were just too blinded or distracted to see.

He is a good and incredible God and I refuse to allow my circumstances to tell me otherwise.

A famous man once wrote if you’re going through hell, keep going. You can’t be stuck there, God has a plan. 🙂

We are loved. So open your eyes and embrace that.

February 4, 2014 - admin Leave a comment

It hurts right now, but Lord I trust You. You promised a life filled with hope and You said You will make all things work together for my good.

So I trust You.

One day, I will look back and understand that You had a plan all along. Thank you in advance, You’re the best 🙂

Please take my broken heart and make it new, until then, it’s Yours.

January 31, 2014 - admin Leave a comment

The Island Fling

I just came from an awesome two day work event at Lagen Resort in El Nido, Palawan. And while it was for work, it was good for me to get away from the little stresses of Manila and just press the reset button.

Without having to explain myself, I’m glad I had those three days away to think life through and to appreciate God’s glorious creation. It put things in perspective, and realized what I was yapping about was insignificant.

In a way, it was an answered prayer of all sorts. I got to witness and experience pure, untainted love in its best form and experienced a lot of firsts: kayaking, wearing a bathing suit, and jumping into the open sea. Most of which I never thought id have the courage to do. I also met a lot of interesting people and realized that who I was asking God for wasn’t even close to who He wanted me to be with. But for now, that doesn’t matter. I suddenly had a hunger to search for beauty and to travel. It changed my perspective and boy am I glad!

It’s like my previous way of thinking has shifted and I am more than happy to step out and create a new, happy chapter in my life. 🙂

Thank you, Nivea! ❤️

Sharing a few photos, though they would never ever do it justice 🙂

January 23, 2014 - admin Leave a comment

Just Me and My Bloggy: My Greatest Love Affair

Long before the term “blogger” was associated with fashion, followers, and OOTD, blogging felt like a meditation, a different world where people’s deepest thoughts were cataloged (lol, now we have Thought Catalog but beside the point). Since the internet wasn’t readily available a good 10 years ago (!!) and google search wasn’t on top of things yet, the internet with all of its bloggers felt like a place where people hid and were given the freedom to be completely who

they were.

When I started my first ever blog in 2004, I was an overdramatic 16 year old who overdosed on novels, chick flicks, and One Tree Hill. My head was in the clouds for the most part of Calculus and was always dreaming of that “perfect” story we’ve all coined in our heads. While I do regret being overly dramatic when I didn’t need to be, I don’t really resent it simply because it was that melodramatic side of me that encouraged me to write.

Ten years later, blogging has taken an entirely different turn. Suddenly, it was no longer an avenue to express what one was currently feeling (why do you feel so much? Why must you share your feelings with the world?!) but has turned into someone’s own empire. It has been an avenue of creativity, and such a beautiful tool in getting talent out there and making people known.

I started this blog in a vain attempt to share my misadventures. Every single emotion that has been translated into words and poured into these virtual pages have always been from the heart. Whenever I felt frustrated about something or someone and I couldn’t verbalize what I was feeling, I turned to this blog in the hopes that that person would get to see what was going on in the sometimes chaotic head of mine. While some may be quick to say that social media allows us to put on a mask, I’ve stuck to my guns and wrote what I was feeling – regardless of how it made me sound.

That being said (rather lengthily), this blog of mine has witnessed so much about my life in the past ten years. Seriously, when the time comes that I start dating, all the guy has to do is google search me and in an instant, he would have my heart in his palm (Disclaimer: Please don’t. Allow me to tell my story in a way that only I could today, my blog is of my past self, you fully have my present. NAKS!!! So get off my page!).

Today was a milestone.

But unlike what I expected it to be, it didn’t come with fireworks (hey, a girl can dream!), nor did it come in the way that I wanted it to. The only way I could explain it is through this quote from Evan Almighty (I know, I know, where I get my wisdom from is so outstanding):

“Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”

Without going into the details, I have been praying for something for the longest time. It’s something that my heart has desired for a very long time (even as long as I have kept this blog), and there were times when I almost had it but it turned out to be nothing like I expected it to be.

I’ve never been the same person since 2008, there were times that I’d see her and say hi to the optimistic person that I was, but for the longest time I built extremely high walls that ended up hurting other people, and myself. I was angry and bitter for the most part. I was closed off, and took no risks. The little things offended me. I was in a bad place, but nobody saw it because I never dared to open my eyes to the pit that I was in. I was trying, believe me, I was. But it wasn’t enough simply because I just kept putting a band aid on the affected area without healing it completely.

But today, for the first time since 2008, I finally felt that I have fully moved on from that dark place. It took a good while (my good friends are probably saying, dammnit, finally!), but I’m here and I don’t regret the journey.

Early into 2014, I thought once again that finally that prayer was going to be answered, and it was, but once again not entirely in a way that I wanted it to. But as cliché as it may sound, it was exactly what I needed. I have come to realize that for the first time in five years I took a genuine risk and while it didn’t turn out the way I expected it to, my reaction was proof of me being completely healed. I didn’t flip out, become bitter, or even turned to what used to be my favorite activity: self-pity. And it feels awesome. It feels awesome to just let life happen, and accept it for the way it is.

I still don’t have everything I want at this moment, but that’s okay. Because I got my feet wet, and I didn’t break down, in fact, it gave me a little more confidence and opened my eyes to the reality of the situation. There are certain things that are not in my control, and that’s okay. That sometimes things just don’t work out, but it doesn’t mean because I don’t deserve it but because simply because God has another story for me, something better than anything that I have asked for, or even imagined. I just have to learn to trust the greatest storyteller of all and believe that He knows what He is doing.

But for now, I’ve let it all go and believe that truly, the best is yet to come.

Are you ready bloggy? More awesome things ahead, thanks for keeping up with grumpy and sad me, now it’s time for a change.

About time, huh?

January 11, 2014 - admin Leave a comment

I initially wrote a long entry defining what I think happiness is, but for once, words would be too much.

Posting this for my future self to see.

A quick note: God delights in seeing His children smile, He’s not a cruel God who wishes to inflict pain upon His children. Truly, He uses the trials to transform us, prepare us, and lead us to moments where we realize that He truly was working beside the scenes and that He never truly left.

Thank you, Big Man for this wonderful chance to be happy. It’s been awhile since I smiled this way, my heart is simply grateful knowing that you have not forgotten me, or my little requests. You’re the best! ❤️

I’m not quite sure what’s next, but I don’t mind, it was, for a moment, more than enough. ❤️

December 30, 2013 - admin Leave a comment

Goodbye, 2013.

2013 was a year of change.

For as long as I have kept this blog (nine years in 2014! wohoo!), I have always dedicated a blog post to bid goodbye to the year that was and to prepare for the year ahead. To keep up with tradition, I am doing the same this year, but believe me when I say that at the end of the day, we don’t really know anything.

A year ago, I thought I had everything figured out. I just knew where I was going and how to get there, and then one day, I woke up and bam! nothing was where I assumed and wanted it would be. While I’m a big believer in knowing what you want and going after it, there are truly moments when God takes your carefully made plans, crushes them, and replaces it with His own.

Switching careers a few months before turning 25 was probably the most difficult thing I had to go through in the past year. The uncertainty of not having a stable job in the summer of 2013 was a humbling experience for me because I have always been defined by the work that I did. In a month’s time, I was stripped of the things that I used to define me. At 24, I was no longer an educational therapist or a college professor and for the first time since I started working at the age of 19, I didn’t know where to go next. And while it may seem like a cliche, it was when I was absolutely at the end of my rope that God picked me up and switched the direction that I was going to.

2013 was also the year I truly hit rock bottom in more ways than I could ever imagine. I have discovered the dangers of having a temper, of bottling things up inside instead of expressing them in a healthy manner, and the importance of being responsible for my own actions. This year earned me the most battle scars, and while I wanted to hide them and pretend I didn’t have them, I realized doing so would take away the significance of this year. I have made a lot of mistakes this year that made me question everything I have believed and stood for. It has been a year of pushing, pulling, and choosing what worked for me. Most people underestimate the power of their own choices and this year I discovered its importance. No matter who was or wasn’t around me, I had the choice to live a life that was pleasant and nowhere near miserable.

It was also this year that I learned how to see people for who they are: the good, the ugly, the different, and yet chose to love them anyway. Mr. Marley was right in saying that everyone, at one point or another, would hurt you, but you just have to make a decision as to who are the ones worth hurting for (naks, dramarama!). However, it was also this year that I learned the value of cutting ties.

I, just like Elizabeth Gilbert, have been a victim of my optimism too many times to count. This person deserves to be loved so I endure whatever this person does to me because maybe my love can change them. This friendship is way too precious, it has helped me over the years, but it’s no longer working but letting that friendship go would be a bitchy thing to do. This man is obviously a boy, but what if he changes for me?

I have let me own idealistic nature take over me and so many times, it has hurt me. Yes, I believe that “love endures” and “love always hopes for the best”. But truth is, we can love from afar. Sometimes, the best thing we can do for people is let them go and pray that they find their way to happiness. I think constantly being used as an emotional punching bag has led to my temper problems. Letting people go, and trusting that if God wills them to be in our lives they will be back, could possibly be the best thing I have given to them and myself this year.

I have also learned to stop putting up walls like i’m rebuilding the Great Wall of China. In an effort to maintain relationships that I never wanted in the first place, I begun putting up walls. The walls turned into pretenses. It was a pull between wanting to be loved and not allowing anyone close enough to hurt me (shucks, i have turned into a cliche!).

The ones closest to my heart have been honest enough to tell me that life cannot work that way. I should let my defenses down and be true to who I am, people who love me for me will stay, and obviously those who don’t will walk away, and that’s okay (I should really be getting a medal when it comes to this rhyming thing or at least a cheerleader uniform!).

And since this has been a year of change, I made a major one two days before the turn of the year: I chopped off my hair. For someone who has always found solace in my long locks, this was a major change that symbolized a significant change inside of me.

You see, for the longest time, it has always been about what other people wanted from me, and while I have no intention of being selfish, I realized (at the Salon, while they were cutting my hair mala Carrie Bradshaw) that I could only love and live the life I desire if I love myself. I can’t dislike myself, and try to fit into everyone’s expected mold of me without breaking down ala Britney Spears circa 2007.

I need to fix things on the inside if I wish to have successful relationships on the outside. I don’t know why it took me 25 years to get this, but I’m glad I still have time to change it. I’m also grateful for multiple chances given by my Heavenly Father, it is only through His grace, wisdom, and goodness that I still have the chance to get my act together.

I’ve always said that the year to come will be my best year ever, but I never realized that making it the best year starts with one thing: me.

So, closing off this entry with two songs (sorry no Kendrick, Drake, or even The Weeknd) that has defined my year, and a verse to wrap 2013 rather nicely.

Wishing you a happy 2014 with blessings that are more than you have ever asked for, hoped for, and imagined.

Darling, the best is yet to come.

December 27, 2013 - admin 2 Comments

The Legend of Captain Hook

I have been on vacation for about a week now, and my set of books, basketball games (a girl can hardly keep up really), Sex & The City, and Gilmore Girls have replaced newspapers and my work computer.

The holiday season, though it has been really hot, has been true to its word. I have been sleeping in, and spending time with the people closest to my heart. So far, it has been a time of catching up with my nearest and dearest.

And in as much as I would love to talk about the latest NBA games or the latest Grey’s Anatomy episode, most of my friends have been talking about the eternal “everyone’s getting married/ having a baby/ getting engaged”.

Holidays have been trickled with these conversations probably because it’s the only time it seems appropriate to talk about it. It’s like suddenly everyone on my news feed planet is getting engaged, getting married, and just getting, period. It has gotten most of my friends worried about their single status, and I’m just here being like this girl:

Photo Cred: www.buzzfeed.com

But for the sake of the season, I indulged in talk appropriate for girls (Warriors winning over Clippers seemed to be more appropriate but I found out that’s just me!) and I was bothered about this one word “hook”.

The only hook that I know of is Peter Pan’s number one nemesis who is gorgeous on Once Upon a Time, but apparently they had other “hooks” in mind. Apparently, in the dating world these days you have to “hook” a guy in order to be his one and only.

Umm, mindblown.

Call me old fashioned or too much of a Ginnifer Goodwin from He’s Just Not That Into You, but I still believe that even though we live in the land of iMessaging, Whats App, Viber, Instagram, and Snapchat, the art of pursuit is still not a word dropped from the dictionary. I know some guys are probably rolling their eyes saying it’s the 21st Century and girls should move to get somewhere, but really, guys were made to hunt, compete, and win.

It has never been the girl’s responsibility to keep a man interested as beautifully written here. I have been blessed with a father who has constantly reminded me that if a guy wants me, he would, by all means, go after me. He has always reminded me to not waste my time on guys who can’t even lift a finger to call or say hi.

My heavenly Father has blessed me with a great earthly father, and I wish that you (this beautiful girl reading this) would know your worth too. You are worth being pursued, stop believing the dumb lie that you’re not worthy, you are.

My older sister’s love story is a testament to this. If a guy wants you, he wants you, no excuses, no nothing. My brother in law’s pursuit of my sister is an endearing story, and one I would share with you once I get her permission to do so ( ha ha ha).

This is the reason why this whole “hook” thing and dressing up for a guy to notice you (really, do all of you ladies really love those Js or are you trying to impress your latest baller find? Just a question, no need to answer it). You don’t have to spend hours waiting for him to notice you because heads up, he noticed you already and he would have approached you if he wanted to.

There’s no reason for this whole none sense about “hooking” a guy into liking you. Guys are not dogs, they’re smart creatures who go after the things they want. It may be a harsh reality but it will save you a lot of time.

And while I don’t have a beautiful love story to share, I do have one thing I’m proud of: I am not wasting my time. I am not wasting my time waiting around the phone, my social media accounts, or what have you. I don’t spend my time over analyzing or thinking if he wants me or not, by knowing it head on, you have the power.

Also, enough of this bs where you have to be a certain kind of girl to be liked / loved / pursued. All of the great love stories I have heard all root from one thing: being loved for you. Being adored for who you are, and not feeling like he’s just with you because no one better has come along yet. You deserve that much.

I will end this entry with a short quote from the article linked above:

Little One, it is not, has never been, and never will be your job to “keep him interested.”

Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul — in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego — that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)

If you can trust your worth in this way, you will be attractive in the most important sense of the word: you will attract a boy who is both capable of interest and who wants to spend his one life investing all of his interest in you.

And while the wait may take forever, trust me when I say, it will be worth the wait. Don’t settle.

December 23, 2013 - admin Leave a comment

The Holiday Fat Memo

‘Tis the season for gift giving, food, and endless gatherings.

For as long as I can remember it has always been a long push & pull relationship with wanting to eat all the scrumptious meals served and not wanting to hear that much feared “ang taba mo iha, bawasan ang dessert” comment. For most of us, Christmas is a time to see relatives we haven’t seen in a year and while it’s supposed to be a time of bonding, it has become more of a “I want to strangle you but I can’t so I’ll just sit here and smile.“

It’s difficult to enjoy the season with such unwelcoming comments, however, why must we spend most of our energy getting worked up over something that really shouldn’t mean anything?

Why does the “fat” word scare us? Why are we more stressed about the way we look instead of how we are on the inside? Why are we so comfortable in “fat shaming” other people but hardly call other people out when they bully others? What have we become as a culture? Why do we applaud mean girls and shame ones whose only fault is a bad set of genetics?

Some of us blurt these words out of habit, or because we really have nothing to say to the relatives we rarely see, but if you have been part of the fat shaming club maybe it’s time to change your game. Talk about the 1 million other interesting things on the planet. Really, there’s more to a person than their body fat. There’s more mind blowing things in this world rather than your latest diet (seriously have you seen the last Grey’s episode??!), and more photos to post rather than your #gymselfie (had to throw it in!).

I am, however, not telling you that you should have YOLO eating habits and quit going to the gym. I realized that working out and eating right is more for my sanity rather than my vanity (plus points for rhyming words!), however, I don’t recommend feeling extremely pressured to look stick thin. Pressure takes the fun out of working out and pretty much everything else.

Ask yourself why you go to the gym. Ask yourself why you’re choosing to skip meals and not enjoy the holiday cheer. Are you doing this because it would make you healthier (Skipping meals will not do that, I assure you!) in the long run? Are you doing this to finally in your face your fat shaming relatives?

Or are you doing it for you? If you’re doing it for you, then by all means go for the gold. However, if you’re doing it to prove the point one of three things will happen: you will hate working out, you will hate the people you are trying to please and you will hate yourself.

Just remember you only have to answer to you. Be at peace with who you are, and soon enough, you will be at peace with everyone and everything else.

So while I can go on and on about how people should shift their focus, maybe we can begin with us. That while it may take awhile for them to catch up, maybe we can inspire them to be kinder to us (and others) by being kinder to ourselves.

Once people see that their fat comments don’t degrade us the way they meant it to, they will take a step back and revel at the confident person before them. A Rappler article I came across last week said to respond in a way that totally throws off their game, “Oo nga po eh, trend daw po to” or something along the lines of, “Ganyan po talaga kapag masaya.”

Remember nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent so at the end of the day, the power isn’t really theirs, it’s yours. And while we’re on the topic of power, remember you also have the power to create a ripple. So the next time you feel tempted to be spiteful or mean spirited, use the power for good and soon enough (hopefully!) the world will follow suit.

Uncategorized