I can’t believe I haven’t written in awhile! 

It’s safe to say that it has been one hell of a week. 

And while I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty details of what’s been happening both on the outside and the inside, I couldn’t help but want to write. 

Write about nothing in particular, however, the incessant tapping has kept me sane most of my life so here goes something totally unplanned, penning away thoughts that don’t form into one big swoop. Writers always go for the big swoop, that aha, that moment where every word on every page, and in every chapter comes together into one giant bow and finally the reader gets where all is heading to.

From the get go, we wish life to be that way. Growing up an absurdly optimistic little child, I’ve always longed for that bow, that final oomph where everything falls into place and everything makes perfect sense.

That has always been my go to move of choice: when things don’t go my way, or when my heart is broken or when i break someone else’s (insert my smug really face here but for the essence of a little drama, let’s throw it in there) I always think there’s a higher purpose, this will make sense. 

I’ve always had that strong, utter belief that everything will fit together just like that Lego House everyone keeps harping about. What I failed to realize is that on the way to that place where everything is just together, people get hurt, people fall apart, people are betrayed, and a lot, and I mean a lot of tears fall.

Soon enough, we find ourselves too wounded to go on. And while most of us won’t admit it, one day we’d have to when we find ourselves breaking down, either by directing our pent up rage over something rather insignificant or just crying over something that wasn’t supposed to be sad anyway.

The thing is, we’re all scarred. We all have battle scars, and while some people have that great ability to recover quickly, all our pain is somehow hidden inside, we push it away until we couldn’t anymore.

So what exactly do we do? CONFRONT IT.

The only way we can truly correct something and heal from it is if we confront the reality of what it is. The reality of how much it hurt us, how much we have been let down by something or someone, and how much it has transformed us. 

Paulo Coelho was right when he said, “Don’t allow your wounds to transform you into someone you’re not” because that’s what pain does, it turns us into little monsters if we allow it to. 

And while I am not an expert on this, I’d like to believe that confronting it from the get go instead of constantly hiding from it would make us better people in the end, instead of constantly hiding from it. Accepting reality is the first step, and shamefully so, something I haven’t done in the past.

But, I have resolved that in order to get to the part where everything falls into place and makes perfect sense, I have to take charge and make who I am today better. And when I say better, I do mean digging deep and getting things done. And it’s never easy, it’s messy and often, it seems easier to run away, but trust me your future self would be extremely proud of you being strong enough to get dirty.

So while there’s a lot of things to get done, a lot of things to confront, and a lot of things to improve on, I’m not disheartened simply because I know I was strong enough to begin and I will not just get through, I’m going to win.

My three year old niece used to live right across The Mind Museum, we used to watch workers build the great shiny thing in the middle of The Fort with great anticipation. We just couldn’t wait to discover what was inside and although it has been open for a year now, we have never set foot in it due to a lot of different reasons. 

It is safe to say that this month hasn’t been nice. It was stressful, challenging, and draining. 

At this moment, I felt what I’ve been trying to feel in the past five years. I’ve searched high and low and cried more or less a few tears in the process and yet I am here. 

There used to be a time when I would spend hours with this blog. Considering that I’ve had this blog since I was sixteen, the times I’ve spent it with are countless. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time with it in libraries, hunched over in net shops when they were the in thing. It has transistorized with me from one job to another, and in a way, it has seen me go from being an idealistic, wide eyed, Princess Mia loving sixteen year old into a still lacking rationality mid 20s yuppie.

There was also a time when I poured my heart and soul into this blog. Back when I started this a good nine years ago, blogging was some sort of self-expression, a secret digital diary you kept from those who did not know your URL. I remember exchanging comments with classmates who also had blogs of their own. It was a little world filled with anecdotes and writing didn’t mean I exposed my feelings to the entire world.

The advent of the microblogging site Twitter made it easier to air out thoughts in the middle of the day while Facebook made it essentially easier to share our lives with others. We are instantly connected, and sometimes, all you need is a good unplug.

I often go through posts of my past and while I could snicker endlessly about my optimism, I couldn’t help but envy my younger’s self drive to get the good in life. She was sickeningly optimistic and idealistic. Highly deadly combinations, but she was determined to have the good in life, no matter what it took. Her faith didn’t depend on her, or what she did, but on who she had faith on.

I didn’t know much back then, yet my faith was bridled with such strong belief that I couldn’t help but wonder if studying too much on a subject took away the essence of it. Before I believed, now I find myself questioning the things I believed in. What made me believe in it so strongly? 

When I was younger, older people would always tell me that life would leave you jaded sooner or later. I refused to believe them, if there’s anything I was, it was optimistic. I refused to believe that I was going to be jaded.

But 3 months into being 25, I finally felt the weight of the world and the essence of those who used to shake at my sunshine all is well attitude.

Man, life is tough.

No admitting that it’s tough isn’t going to make it go away. For the longest time, I refused to believe that life was tough. I thought all my “the secret” moves was going to work and make all the hurt go away.

Well, it didn’t. Life really isn’t the fairy tale I’ve always hoped for.

It’s gritty. It’s challenging. And yes, there are just days when you want to put your hands up in complete surrender. What’s even more frustrating is the fact that you’re not supposed to talk to anyone about how you feel.

It’s as if being true to who we are, especially in the land of “say anything social media” is frowned upon. Keep your feelings to yourself, don’t show people that you’re about to break. Don’t say this, don’t do that. Doing that will make you feel like a fool. Admitting that you’re in over your head will refute everything you believe in.

It’s a tiring cycle and may be the reason why this blog has been quiet for sometime. My bestfriend calls it the quarter life crisis, and while I agree with her, it’s possibly also because I’ve been trying to control my life because it has to be perfect all the time. Your emotions aren’t valid and the words you type must not betray the perfect life you project on your social media account.

Life is tiring. Life is taxing. And sometimes, no matter how much of a jolly good fella you are, it still doesn’t turn out the way you want it to.

Now while I know how life works, I have a choice. I can choose to close my eyes to its reality, or I can choose to accept life for what it is and still find the good parts in it.

I can also pretend to be that kind of girl who doesn’t feel anything, or I can choose to be me: the girl who loves words too much to not use it as a form of expression.

I can choose to mope, sulk, and cry my eyes out, or I can choose to cry for awhile, accept the sometimes sad reality of life, and get going.

The other great thing is also the fact that although life isn’t what I expected for it to be at the beginning it’s still radically filled with possibilities. My greatest mistake is looking too long at the possibilities that didn’t work instead of looking the other way, the other direction where I can finally find the happiness or stability I long for. 

Also, letting go is another thing I need to do. While I’ve always subconsciously thought that letting go meant letting the other person run free, it actually means giving God the chance to do what only He can do. It’s not particularly easy, but that path is always easier.

My road back to recovery as Little Miss Sunshine may take awhile but I find myself smiling a bit because finally I took the first step: acceptance.

Greatness.

Anger.

It’s an emotion I admittedly don’t associate with myself often. Most of my friends would be quick to say that I rarely get mad, and when I do I cry for hours before actually saying anything.

I’m pretty much like my dad when it comes to being mad. I keep it all inside, but lately, I’ve been teaching myself to speak up, not to degrade people but to speak up when my rights are violated. Lately, I’ve been vocal, yet still polite in sharing my personal insights, and opinions.

I just feel that I worked extra hard to study and educate myself, and I would never get to where I want to be unless I learn to stand up for myself. I’m still fairly new to all this saying how I feel territory and I do work very hard to find a certain kind of balance between saying what I feel and still giving people the respect they deserve.

I have made a decision however to always choose respect. My anger doesn’t give me the license to malign people or make them feel small. While some might think I am writing this blog entry to defend myself, I’ve always believed in this quote when it comes to people who attack someone else’s reputation or character, “When people speak negatively about you, live in such a way that no one would believe them.”

This is the reason why I choose to let this go and not even defend myself or tell people what really happened. Anger is a very dangerous emotion, and I would rather not sink deep into its viciousness, instead, I choose to do it God’s way.

I don’t have to defend who I am and I’m not mad at you for what you have done to me or my family. Instead, I pray for God to grant you peace, because only a soul at war can spew such viciousness.I continue to bless you, and despite the hate you’ve thrown my way, I still choose to love and forgive you. =)

2005 was a remarkable year for me.

It was the year I transitioned from being a high school student and into a full fledged Advertising freshman. The school I went to is known for training its students the way the Europeans do, do away with the general subjects, and go straight ahead to the major ones: Business, Principles of Advertising, and shockingly enough, Business Math.

I have always been generally awkward and coming into a mix of students from entirely different backgrounds was extremely scary for me, especially since they have all come to know me as the girl who cried in the registrar’s office. 

On the first day of my Business Communication class, I was seated with three people who would impact the rest of my college life: Shine Grandea, Nolan Diosana, and yes, Kae Davantes.

If her name is familiar, it is because it has been all over the news in the past four days and in the worst reason possible. I found out about the news on Sunday morning and I haven’t fully digested it until tonight. I cannot truly explain how I am feeling, these are things you watch on CSI, and doesn’t happen to someone you know, and someone you spent a good amount of time in college with.

With so many stories coming out about Kae, I couldn’t help but feel that there was more to her than the way she died. People who have heard her story don’t know how her eyes twinkled when she smiled, and how she laughed. Kae had a wicked sense of humor, and an amazing taste in music. It is safe to say that she has made my playlist cooler in college, and I still have her MP3 CDS stashed in my CD cases.

Kae and I were inseperable in college, especially in our first year of college. 

Writing this entry is difficult because I know we shared a lot of memories together and I feel that writing them down would make me lose them.

Kae, if anything, was passionate. She was the kind of person who, when she got her mind on something would do anything to reach it. She was a dreamer, and she inspired me to dream a little bigger. She also found joy in the little things, and she got kilig over something as silly as making eye contact in someone. She loved food, and good books and thoroughly enjoyed going to the gym. She was also the person who introduced me to Love, Actually, Galaxy Chocolate, and Chokokak Landia. We were textmates, taking advantage of Smart’s unlimited texting and found a way to make a land of our own and even our own dictionary. She loved quotes as much as I did and taught me about People.com which continues to be one of my most visited sites up to this day. She also enjoyed talking about basketball with me, and most importantly, she was ready to listen about

She was articulate, and was extremely, extremely bright. Hearing about how  well-loved she is by her co – workers, and how far she has come makes me happy because she deserves all that. Kae was a go getter and I’m so happy that her star twinkled so bright. 

As I write this, I am watching the video Kae made for me for my 18th birthday, and while I am crying, I am also smiling, she was a wonderful person who made sure she told her loved ones she loved them. She was dedicated to the things that mattered most to her, and most of all, she had such an overwhelming confidence in herself and the people she loved.

I was such a shy, insecure seventeen year old when we met, but all that changed when she became one of my closest friends. Her optimism often displayed in the notes she gave her friends reflected how much she believed in us and how much she loved us. Kae also had a generous heart, I recall so many times she helped me in numerous ways. She helped me in studying, and inspired me to be the best student that I could be. We were such dorks, and the highlight of our college life was getting good grades and getting on the Dean’s List. She was superbly intelligent and I have always admired her for that. 

And while life sent us into different directions after college, Kae’s random text messages about her life always made me smile. I was happy she found her prince, and I know she is still expectantly awaiting mine.

I know we were supposed to meet up, and catch up on life, and I wish we did, but her memories with me would last a lifetime, and would definitely make me smile every time I take it out of my box.

But what truly set Kae apart was the fact that she believed in me, and for someone who had trouble believing in herself, having that influence has left such an impact. Kae was vibrant, and she loved life. And I am not just saying that, Kae was the epitome of positivity and that is how I choose to remember her.

How she left the world brings me so much pain, but I’d rather remember the way she lived. Kae always believed God had a plan, and she trusted Him completely and so I will too. God said in Exodus that he will fight for His children, and I know at this moment He is fighting for you and He will bring you justice.

I know you are happy with the angels now, Kae, I know you are in paradise, and I know you are with our Father. I also know that somehow, this message will get to you, you have always been my blog’s number one fan. 

Thank you Kae for the love that you have brought into my life. Thank you for the silly times we played UNO in the lobby, and the times you believed my crush liked me (you know how that ended!). Thank you for forever being my favorite camera buddy back when they were new, and the times you spent your load on my random stories. Thank you, Kae for being the bestest friend a girl could ask for in College. College was fantastic because of the chocoduos.

Kae, so many people are fighting for you, and crying for justice. I hope you can see all of their support, even our favorite, Bianca Gonzales, is crying for this murder to be solved. You are loved by many, most by people you haven’t even met. I wish this blog entry gives them a tiny glimpse of how wonderful you are. You are getting so much love and I want to tell them that you deserve all of it. 

I choose to remember your laughter Kae, and your one-of-a-kind accent, I choose to remember your love for cupcakes, and our failed attempts at dieting (not that you ever needed it, hahaha!), and your crazy debut with SO MUCH CUPCAKES! I’ll never forget you, Kae and I know we wanted our kids to be friends, but trust me when I say that they will know about you, I will show them our embarrassing vain bathroom photos, and I’ll tell them of how much we loved movies, and laughter.

I love you. No words will never be enough.

Thank you for being a part of my life. Now, soar & dance, and charm heaven with your smile.

Chocoduos are forever. 🙂

I’ve known my friend, Fatss Sarmiti, for quite awhile now and I’ve always been blown away by her beautiful face!

But more than her beautiful face, what’s admirable about her is her heart. Not only is she model gorgeous but also has a heart of gold (Okay, Kirk, ang swerte mo!). 

Being the fashionista that she is, she ventured into her first business, The Lounge Nail Spa a few months after gradation and finally, after months, I was able to try their home service courtesy of Ate Jessa! 

And since I always chip my nails, I decided it would be cheaper for me to go with gel nail polish (best thing ever invented!!) and tonight I went for (are you ready?!) A Kiss in Paris. I love how I was able to get nail salon results at home and how meticulous Ate Jessa was! 

The Lounge Nail Spa (you can follow them on Instagram!) caters to a lot of happy customers everyday and here are a few snapshots I stole from their Instagram account: 

(I particularly love this photo, ang creative!) 

For those of you who wish to leave the house and enjoy the whole nail spa experience, you can visit them at:

The best part about it is the fact that these services are not even expensive, as a preview: 

Ah! I really can’t stop looking at my nails and most importantly, can’t stop being proud of my baby girl.

Truly good and awesome things happen to ultimately good people.❤