The last time I was awake at this hour was for the same reason. I’m royally screwed, I don’t want to hurt again. 

Going home from the gym is an experience in itself. For one thing, it takes me about thirty minutes to fully recover from the amount of time I spend in the ring trying to demolish my trainer (Trainer – 10 Me – 3) and doing as many squats as humanly possible (seriously though, why). 

Tonight wasn’t any different. I limped home, took a shower, and lost track of time as I went through my nightly routine. Most of the time, thoughts just come and go without leaving much of an impact. However, tonight as I was putting on my moisturizer and trying to figure out if I should watch The Office or try out How To Plan A Murder a thought hit me: it’s already October.

This only meant two things:

1) I have about a month left to fully complete my Christmas shopping and 
2) I have been in like with someone for almost a year.

And I could have gone to my immediate reaction: spite and endless why me / why not me questions. But instead (it could possibly be endorphins but worth trying still) I felt relief and surprisingly so, gratitude.

This year, to put it rather simplistically, was challenging. There was a lot of wrestling with my faith, wondering why I wasn’t getting my prayers answered, and most importantly, there was a lot of humbling experiences. 

And as I went through the things I learned and the people who have helped me learn those things, I couldn’t help but realise that what I thought was the biggest, gravest mistake of my life turned out to be God’s greatest gift.

My heart was shattered this year. It reached a point wherein I could not for the life of me get out of bed in the morning. I was depressed and felt that I wasn’t good enough all the time. It was so difficult for me to grasp that I didn’t need anyone I had to prove my worth to. I was constantly comparing myself to the “better” girls he could get without realising that I was waging a war not just with myself but with other innocent women as well.

I was feeding the monsters of envy, anger, and insecurity all at the same time and it was my shattered heart that broke me back to reality. It was also the well-meaning words of friends and family, but I believe that it was really God who broke through all the walls I’ve built over the years. He was patient enough to guide me out of the hole that I fell in and slowly but surely I started to see the light.

I would love to tell you that things are perfect now. I would love to tell you that my story rivals that of every single Hilary Duff movie ever invented but the truth is is that it’s a Friday night and I’m writing on this blog. This would have killed me years ago but tonight there’s a different kind of peace that surrounds me. It’s not the way I want it to be but I’m resting in the truth of who God is and what He has for me. 

Everything is set just right on His timetable and every experience, every heartbreak, and every rejection is setting me up for the greater days that He has ahead. 

For a really really long time, I’ve felt like I was never good enough and I felt like I always needed to be something in order to be liked. But tonight, more than any other night before this, I feel okay with me and my dorky-ness, something I pretended to be comfortable with but never truly embodied. 

It’s just tonight that I realize that it’s okay to not be liked by the one our heart desires – it doesn’t make me less of a person although some stigma have been put on being rejected. However, it doesn’t have to make me a negative person (the way that I have before), in fact, I should celebrate that bravery. To celebrate that part of me that was so brave to invest in the uncertainty of wanting someone who may never, not in a million years, like me back.

It may not happen anytime soon, but another lesson that I’ve learned is that I’d rather wait and be with someone who’s fully invested in me instead of constantly trying to prove that I am worthy enough to be with a certain people. It’s so devastatingly hard to keep trying to be someone just to be liked – nobody can last that long being someone else.

Someone once told me that when things are right, it will just fall into place and it will just be easy (meaning no hassle, no games, no whatsoever) and until easy comes, my own Friday nights will do.

“I wanted to be deserving of him.*”

Sundays, for me, consist of going to church, eating lunch with the family, and mindlessly flipping through local television while lazing around in my favorite boxer shorts. It was during this relaxed Sunday routine that I came across a local show interviewing one of the country’s most beautiful faces.

It was her mouth that spewed said sentence above and for a minute there, even if I’ve never met her or even shared a conversation with her, my heart broke. In my mind, something was not right in the world. How could such a beautiful girl (seriously, how many women would kill to have her face) be trapped into thinking that she isn’t worthy?

And then I realized, my heart broke because at one point or another, we have been her. I wish I could count the times women have uttered the same sentiments while looking at their reflections. Most of the most broken women I have encountered are also the most beautiful: size zeroes with shining hair and the latest designer bag draped on their arms. Behind the image of perfection, they are constantly looking over their shoulder, wondering if they would be replaced by yet again another Barbie like creature.

My dad once told me in the middle of my many monologues about not being beautiful enough for the most famous jock (in school or in life, you decide) that if beauty was the only basis, Prince Charles wouldn’t have cheated on Diana.

Time and time again, we have encountered women who have been cheated on and women who have been deemed to be not worthy. These women, in the search for a prince and for a love that will last forever, work day and night to make themselves worthy. They diet, they run, they lift weights, they juice, they highlight their hair, they squeeze into bikini bottoms, and most importantly, they lose their sense of selves in the hopes that finally, one day, they will be worthy to be loved by their own version of prince charming.

I know how that feels. I know how it feels to not feel good enough. I know how it feels to not be chosen. If anything, my life’s choices in this area so far have reflected that. I have always been the one not chosen. And the effects of it can be quite demoralising for any women. For a regular woman like me, it’s understandable, but for a magazine cover beauty like the one whose interview I just witnessed, the results were devastating.

And then I realised, it has absolutely nothing to do with how I look, how I speak, or what I joke about. Having a guy “choose me” is not a privilege nor is it a requirement to live a fabulous life. A quote being passed around on Pinterest said, “Anytime you have to prove your worth is the time you have to walk away.”

But impressionable youngsters don’t quite get this. In order for someone else to know your worth, you have to know it yourself. The abused “we accept the love we think we deserve” quote from Perks of Being a Wallflower rings true. When we allow someone to treat us badly, that is what happens.

I used to think that being worthy has everything to do with how I look, my “achievements”, and how I fare against the other “tributes”.

But in truth, it has nothing to do with that. Cheesy as it may seem, the beginning of healthy relationships with others means fully accepting with who I am. By being happy on my own, I have come to realise that I function better in other relationships, most importantly the ones that matter.

I’m not perfect, I still have my moments – this weekend have proven that. However, unlike before, I no longer allow myself to wallow in self-pity. I may not be the beauty queen that is expected to be with him, but I am me. And I am proud to say that even though I can be quirky and weird, I can also be kind, encouraging, and hella funny (okay, that’s probably just me). I’m not a liability and most importantly, one can be assured that I would stay loyal in both the high times and the low times. 

Know that you are worthy as you are. If there’s one thing I could tell girls everywhere it’s this, “you have nothing to prove, it’s not your job to keep him interested or to prove you’re worthy. you have something to give, and most importantly, you are beautiful as you are and one day, without even trying, someone will make you feel that way.” 

So enough with this nonsense that you are not deserving because YOU ARE, period.

I initially started this blog entry this morning but discontinued it because a) I was too mad to think things through and b) I didn’t think it was worthy to be written about.

Well, before I begin, let me just say that I don’t like confrontations. As much as possible, I let another person talk while I nod my head, not in agreement but to keep the peace. Also, as much as I can, I don’t confront people about things  — something I am still working on because I believe that arguments are healthy as long as they are done in a peaceful manner. Without saying much about the parties involved, I got into an argument with someone over something that was deeply personal to me – my family. You see, you can fool me all you want but once done against my family, my inner Katy Perry comes out.

Safe to say that it wasn’t pretty and I often let negative comments slides, especially since I believe that none of those comments matter that much, but this person decided to attack me on my faith. Without it being necessary, the person gave me the “aren’t you a churchgoer?” shade (yes, thanks BuzzFeed, I now know what that means) and of all insults, that one hurts the most.

As if me serving Jesus and lifting up His name has anything to do with my behaviour. While I am not proud that I allowed the person to get the best of me, I don’t regret standing up for someone that I love. What irked me was that that person had to bring the “faith” issue into light. It irked me because how many times has society done that? People go to church to seek healing and go to Jesus to heal from what the world has done completely. 

Talking about faith, the love of Jesus, how it has transformed us, and how beautiful collective worship has nothing to do with me or my behaviour. In fact, the reason why I run to Jesus for my daily dose of grace is because everyday I am well aware of my own shortcomings and well aware that without Him, I will revert back to my insecure ways. That while I know Jesus doesn’t approve of me hurting another person, in Him, I am constantly being a better version of who I was.

Looking back at the situation hours later, I admit that there are things that I could have done better, but I know that what I have done this morning did not lessen God’s love for me. You see, nothing I have done have caused Jesus to save me, so nothing that I am going to do will take away what He gave me out of love and as a gift.

If everyone who went to Jesus were perfect, there will be nobody left to save. Jesus came simply because we can’t on our own — that is the truth. That no matter how much I try to be good, how much I try to be kind, I will never ever measure up to the perfect God. 

This is why I need a Savior and this is why I humbly say that despite my love for Jesus, I am still human and I still make mistakes. I will never stop making mistakes just because I go to church, in fact I go to church, read my Bible, and listen to Judah Smith and other preachers in order to at least make less of them.

The whole “you’re a Christian” defense during arguments is the most painful one can throw at another simply because for most of us Jesus is the only way for us to change, it also shows that one doesn’t understand the fullness of what God has done. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t be saved, but thank God because He sent Jesus.

I think the time of bashing people simply because of what they believe must stop. We’re all equals, we have all done things that are uncalled for, and for most of us, we have repented for them. To simply put, no matter where we are on the sinner level, we’re all the same – sinners saved by grace.

As I write this, it would be easy to continue to get mad at the person, especially after all she has done. But what would be the point? Jesus doesn’t hold me to a standard of perfection, so why must I hold human beings into ridiculously impossible standards? I have erred in trying to make a point when I should have just let it go, I have asked for forgiveness and ready to move on only with the lessons. 

So I don’t understand truly the point of this blog entry, but the next time you fight with someone or argue with someone, leave Jesus out of it, because sometimes, for that person Jesus is the only reason to move forward with hope. 🙂

“Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”  – 2 Corinthians 12:9

So happy for baby brother who got drafted yesterday. This is such a wonderful testimony of God’s goodness but it’s not my story to share.

Thank you, Jesus!

Writing, as of late, is something that i do 24/7. There’s writing for my PR work, writing for my column, and other gigs I’ve picked up over the years. When I see how far I’ve come from the Pocahontas diary slugging seven year old that I was, I always whisper a thanks because never did I imagine that God would bless me with a job that I love with a different kind of zeal. 

I just ended my night with The Fault in Our Stars and while the book impacted me, it’s safe to say that the movie basically ruined me. With tears still fresh in my eyes, I can’t help but be grateful for what is in my life, and also grateful for what isn’t.

“You have a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul. Whatever God promises, He will always deliver on.” – Judah Smith 

It is safe to say that I was raised in the walls of the modern day Christian church. I have been schooled in Sunday school for as long as I can remember and I have known that “Jesus loves me” even before I can talk. Growing up, I knew that Jesus loved me and was able to invite Jesus into my heart early on. I knew the mechanics of the Christian life, all the religious shenanigans, and the long to-do list of what I should do, who I should date (and when), and what was acceptable. In my young, impressionable mind, I thought being a Christian meant doing certain things on my own in order to be good enough, to be worthy enough.

The journey became a personal one for me in 2010 and the archive of my blog from that time reflects that of a young woman searching for life’s true meaning, of a core that cannot be shaken no matter what. Naively, part of drawing myself closer to God at that time was out of a desire to have a better life and to ultimately become a better person. It was a time of intense struggle, looking good on the outside and doing all the right things, but slowly deteriorating on the inside. My then prayers evolved from shallow to deep, involving both meaningless and life changing requests that were answered (rather graciously). I thought I was finally getting my act together.

You see, and if you haven’t picked it up, I was very big on “me” until this year — the year that shook me to the core and made me see myself, my selfish ways, and what I believed in an entirely different way.

Without boring you with the details, I’ve always fought my way through life with this mentality, “I have to be worthy enough” and without having to point fingers or go through the rather tiresome details, I was a tough woman on the outside but a frail little girl who lacked self-esteem on the inside. I worked hard to earn my place and when it came to my waterloo, relationships, I dieted, changed my hair color and appeared perfect in order to be liked and most importantly, to be the chosen one. Since my entire being was saturated in what others thought of me and whether or not I was the better one or I was worthy enough, I had a lot of anger, disappointment, and self-hatred that was on the inside. I was looking for stability, and for  someone who called herself a “Jesus follower”, there were a lot of things that weren’t in place, and most importantly, I wasn’t at peace.

On the outside, it appeared as if I had it all together – I had a job that I was finally passionate about, had my own column and even things with my family were good – there were titles thrown around and prestige, but somehow I was hollow. At fist, I credited it over two failed, unrequited crushes that took over my being (somehow, not being good enough was still at the core of who I was) but I knew that there was something more.

First off, I have come to realise that I loved playing the victim. Whenever it came to failed would be relationships, unrequited crushes, and broken hearts, I was never at fault. I never once thought to myself that I only assumed friendly gestures to be something else. I was too prideful to admit that maybe, just maybe, the spark wasn’t there and sometimes the success of a relationship had nothing to do with looks (something I thought I vaguely lacked) but chemistry and / or timing. I also thought that the universe was constantly working against me without realising that my universe was limited only to me and others were busy with their own. I always thought it was about me and how the world was responding to me without realising that life is just like that — a mix bag of good and bad.

Second, I have come to realise that there has got to be more than this, that life was more than just one accolade after another. That it was more than just losing weight or that ridiculously yet rather gorgeous purse, and Instagram likes. For a minute, I got lost in it. Wasn’t this the “amazing” life the world promise and I long longed for? And if so, why was I more disappointed than ever? Being involved with extremely high profile men (by involve, i mean texting lol) made me question my worth and instead of enjoying the attention, I daily fought my way through my own wave of insecurities, constantly asking myself was this going to last? What if a new, prettier girl came along? Where will my worth be found then?

These questions haunted me daily. And suddenly, I was losing grip of the “faith” I once believed in. I nearly drove myself into depression wondering why God wasn’t answering my prayers and yet for others, the answer came so quickly.

I found myself questioning everything I believed in and most importantly, questioned why I was doing the things I was doing. An honest to goodness conversation with a trusted mentor shook me to my core. I saw myself for who I really am: someone who was always competitive, someone who judged others too quickly, and someone who thought she was never good enough. I then questioned my core beliefs — was I doing the things I did because I wanted to get the answer to my prayers or doing it to put on a show? Did I want to “deserve” something?

That’s when it hit me – I was in church, I was listening to podcasts, I was reading books and the Bible but I never embedded the truth of who Jesus is in my heart. Because if I, even just for a day, believed the truth about grace, I wouldn’t for a second, be fearful, depressed or dangerously insecure.

I wouldn’t see life as a competition because I knew I was taken care of and most importantly, I would stop basing my worth on the things of the world because I knew who was the only one who could satisfy my soul.

Ironically, gaining everything was what drove me to search for Jesus, the real Jesus. He was more than just a bumper sticker or a Sunday message, Jesus loved me. The kind of love that I long hoped for: the endless, forever kind of love that loved me even when I was in the dark. And while I still desire to meet a Tim Tebow / Jeremy Lin of my own, I know my future husband (seriously though, where are you?) could never satisfy the way Jesus was.

By truly experiencing Jesus in a real way, not in a “I go to church, I raise my hands in church” kind of way, I found a better understanding of who I was. I was no longer trying to deserve God’s grace or his blessings, He gave them to me because He loved me, that’s it.

And while I still work to achieve certain things, and while I still hope that one day my story would no longer end in heartbreak, I wake up with peace in the morning and for someone who has experienced so much fear and doubt, this was such a welcoming change.

A peace knowing that I am okay, I am loved, I am taken care of, and for once in my life, I no longer have to prove myself worthy because in the eyes of Jesus, I am already.

“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” – 2 Corinthians 5:17

Don’t judge me but I’m only seeing When Harry Met Sally for the first time and let me just say that movies before were more magical.