I rarely wear my heart on any of my networking sites (actually, I don’t) but there are days when I find myself having so much to say but about zero means to say it.

So I turn to the medium that always listens without judgement — my blog.

But before I begin my tirade, this is by no means a way to trick you into falling in like with me nor by any means is it a way to manipulate you into liking me.

In truth, this blog entry is nothing more than that, a blog entry. I am also still a firm believer  of the Maria Clara stance so I don’t think you should be getting any ideas.

Also, this is not a declaration of my ‘love’ for you. It is possibly a declaration of my curiosity, but nothing else.

I have encountered so many people (sorry saying men out loud is way too cheesy, even for me, but whoops there you go) in my life and never have I encountered such a refreshing soul, which is the reason why I’m so skeptical. If I could, I wish I could prick you with a needle just to make sure you are real and not a figment of my Meg Cabot induced hallucination.

I really, truly wish you are for real because in a way, it gives me hope that there is more than just one version of Jeremy Lin floating around in this big world (and also, i’m half hoping that this is not merely your strategy to get girls :s).

But more than slightly lecturing you (I’m sorry!), I am trying to tell you this, if you really are for real then please spend just an added five more minutes of your time to read what’s next.

Genuine men like you are rare, but at the same time, you may also feel as if women who appreciate you and what you stand for are rare as well. But let me tell you one thing, a real woman of God will appreciate you for who you are and refuse to demand for you to be like the men of this world who are a dime a dozen.

Now that’s out there, I am also hoping that one day you will end up with a woman of substance and not just one who is easily swayed by the world. Others may have no idea what I’m talking about, but I know, in my heart that you do.

I hope you are the type of guy who looks beyond the superficial and actually looks at the heart of a woman and see them the way God sees His princesses. Men like you are rare, so I do hope you know that your heart deserves a woman who is rare as well.

And at the end of the day, I truly hope you do wait on God because as you do, He will take your deepest longings and bless you with things you have never even imagined.

And although I’m sort of sure that the woman isn’t me (I have long accepted that I do not fall under the standard Filipino pacute type :p), nothing will make me happier than seeing someone like you end up with your Proverbs 31 woman because I know that this is what God wills for you. She may not be the most beautiful, stylish woman in the room, but she will be the most beautiful one for you simply because God crafted her hand to fit yours perfectly.

And may your story inspire others as well. In due time.

I was born makulit or to use a better more professional word, I was born persistent.

In other words, I don’t stop until I get what I want and also at the same time, I don’t really allow things to settle down (this may be the reason why i’m not such a good cook). I like to know everything that’s within my area of responsibility because I want to be prepared for all things.

Which safe to say is totally blase when walking with Jesus because most of the time, the plan is never known until it’s right in front of you and even then, there would still be questions – lots of them.

Another quirky (okay, probably annoying) trait of mine is my need to “mother” (the little s before that was not placed there for a purpose) so you see I basically suck at ‘mind games’ simply because I don’t believe in playing games with anyone. If I want to talk to you, I will make an effort to do so. However, I’m guessing that’s not the way the world works and not many people appreciate it, unfortunately.

What I have come to realize however is that it is not in my position to actually care as to whether or not it is appreciated. I have come to realize that the reason why I am disappointed about specific things is because I had placed (unrealistic) expectations when it came to approaching a person or a situation.

What I learned from reading John Ortberg’s book is not that we try extra harder to be liked but instead try softer. By trying softer, it means we do the best we can with the situation, we go ahead with what we think is right based on the Word and surrender the outcome to Jesus.

In a way, it also has a lot to do with confidence. To get up everyday and encounter different people on a daily basis takes a lot of courage and this courage could only result from our confidence.

Is our confidence based on our looks which can go away just by sitting through eight bars of chocolates a day? Or is t based on our job which really is basically placing our fate in another human being’s hand? Or is it based on the goodness of God in our lives which we can never lose no matter how bad we become?

Your guess is as good as mine.

As we try softer and try to not control everything around us, we realize that we don’t need to “push the river” so to speak because we know that the flow of the river is not dependent on us but entirely dependent on the One who created us. (Inspired by a quote of Richard Rohr that said “Faith does not need to push the river, faith is able to trust that there is a river)

When we try softer and when we become less rigid, we understand that we do need help from Someone higher than us to make sense of our lives.

We don’t try to analyze everything in our lives and the reason why specific people are not in it (guilty), instead we realize that it is not up to us to decide who gets to be in our lives because no matter how hard we try, people who are not ordained to be in your life will not be in it. It also places less pressure on us to try and ‘perform’ all the time.

Instead, it leaves a whole lot of room for trust and a lot of room spent in prayer because we understand that no matter how hard we try, if it is not God’s will for us it will not happen.

As we give ourselves a little break, we often give the people around us a break as well. When we’re not out to control every single thing in our lives we give people more room to be who they are and most importantly, we allow God to do whatever He wills to do in our lives.

And when that happens, we can rest happily at night because we are not slaving away for something that is obviously not ours to have. You see when something is meant to be, whether it is a relationship or a job, we don’t slave away nor do we work so hard to earn it. Whatever God has gifted us with simply flows and even if we’re extremely hard at work at it, it doesn’t feel like work because it feels so natural.

We don’t have to fight so hard for something that is meant for us. Yes, we take the steps necessary and most of the time those steps require a lot of faith and a lot of courage but we don’t even think twice about it because it feels so right. It feels like a gift and by all means do we go after it with so much joy in our hearts.

That’s what Jesus meant when He said He had a good life for us and I may be speaking to myself as I end this entry, but Jesus said that He has loved us enough and has given us all things so we shouldn’t slave away or hurt ourselves unnccessarily over people and things that were no meant to be in our lives in the first place. That we don’t have to try so hard to be liked because the right ones would like you even before you had your first conversation.

And this applies to all the areas of our lives.

So tonight, simply let it all go and try softer. Spend more time with Jesus instead of driving yourself crazy over something that you had no control over in the first place.

And yes, sometimes surrendering it to Jesus means letting go of a dream, one that we held so closely in our hearts, but understand that as long as you’re with Jesus, you are never short changed and you never get the shorter end of the stick.

As long as you’re with Him, you always ending up winning.

Photo Source:  http://blog.vyrso.com/2012/07/24/redeemed-from-the-wreckage/  Awesome blog entry about being redeemed in Christ!

In as much as I love John Mayer and his music, I was quite appalled with the way he broke up with Katy Perry over e-mail.

And it wasn’t just the medium he used, but what he told her.

Basically, she told her she was fat.

It may seem like a childish, juvenile remark that I dismissed the rest of the day but as I was preparing to go to bed, I realized that the situation hit way too close to home.

How broken can a man be that the only way to mend himself is to break other people as well?

In truth, verbal abuse and I don’t mean to belittle physical abuse because both are completely wrong, takes a longer time to heal because just when you’re about to heal, something reminds you of what has been said before and you’re back in square one.

I had hesitations about writing this blog entry because for me it comes across as too weak. However, if this blog entry could help even just one person, then showing my weakness was by all means worth it.

Thing is, in the past four years, I cannot name all the diets and workout routines that I have been on. I can also tell you how many ways I have tried to runaway from meeting people simply because I never thought I was deserving or skinny enough to be liked.

Ghosts continued to haunt me every time I met someone new, “You’re never ever going to be liked. You’re dreaming too big. Your waist is too wide. You’re not smart enough. You’re going to fail again.”
And I do take responsibility for it. I take responsibility for the fact that I allowed it to affect me for as long as it did.

I know that I am loved and on most days, I never even given the voices a second thought.

Today was not one of those days.

Today, I broke down and cried because I felt like I was a failure for not looking perfect enough. The pressure to look a certain way before being accepted was immense.

And then for the first time in four years (slow? yes?), I have come to question myself why I disliked/loathed myself this much.

Was it because of the way I allowed myself to be treated for two years? Was it because I allowed the comments to seep into my subconscious for two years after completely ignoring the fact that God told me that I am loved and that I am worth it?

Truth be told, I know that I am not the only woman on this planet to be told so many lies by men who are so broken that their main goal is to break others as well. Men whose egos need to be constantly stroked that they get a different kind of high when they manipulate, control and demean women. They do this so often that their other half is no longer recognizable.

My heart bleeds for these women simply because God never intended His princesses to be treated that way and you know what girls?

 You are not a victim, you have control over anyone who is in your life and you are not helpless. You have the power to stand up and say, “I’m not going to allow you to tell me how I should or should not feel about myself.”

It’s not easy. It took me a good four years to even realize that I’ve been damaged way beyond recognition. The kind of damage that twisted my thinking, a damage so deep that I didn’t even realize it was happening.

For four years I have been maligned to think that I would never be good enough for anything. I didn’t have it in me to be loved (biggest lie on earth) nor was I good enough to actually be something in life.

What I didn’t realize is that that person needed me to be small so he can remain big. He needed me to be small so he can maintain his control over me. A good two years after, he still has control over me because I see his face in every guy I meet and every time I look at myself in the mirror. His shadow was constantly there telling me I would never amount to anything. That he was the thing in my life worth something.

As I write this, I am thanking God that He saved me from that person. And I truly have no ill feelings towards him, I only wish him well, I wish him healing so that the cycle no longer continues.

At the same time, I continue to pray that I see myself the way God sees me and this is not meant in an arrogant manner.

I wish to see myself the way God sees me because I know that once I do, I break the cycle. I break the cycle of hurting other people so I feel good about myself. When I learn to fully love myself and accept my flaws will I only be able to love others for their flaws and mistakes as well.

Also, when I learn to love myself and learn to depend on God for everything, I no longer seek out for approval or love from other people, instead I find ways to love and make them feel good about who God created them to be.

It won’t happen overnight, but I’m determined to see it happen by the grace of God. I know that with him, all things are possible.

It’s time for me to step into the goodness of God and it’s time for YOU to know that you are valuable, you are loved and Jesus went through SO much to heal you and complete you. Don’t allow anyone to take God’s joy away from you.

His joy is rightfully yours. Nobody supplies you with that joy because God has given you more than enough of it.

It is HIS joy that strengthens us, no one else’s.

And it may seem like a bonus, but I am looking forward to the day when someone will see me the way God sees me. That that person will not look at me and judge me based on what I do or the way I look but will love me simply because I am me.

And I wish the same for you.

And I know that this is not wishful thinking.

Stop thinking that you don’t deserve a love like that because YOU ABSOLUTELY DO. You deserve a love that treats you like a princess because that is the way God sees you.

Until then, rest in the beautiful promises of God and rest in knowing that even on your own you are worth to be celebrated and you are worth a lot in God’s eyes.

Let go of what’s holding you back and move forward into what God has for you, trust me whatever you’re holding on to has nothing on what God has prepared for you.

Cheer up beautiful. YOU ARE LOVED. And no, God did not create you to be small. He created you to make a difference so get out of that relationship and be the person God intends you to be.

Through His strength, you can do all things. 

“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
    I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
    When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
    it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
    The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
    all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
    That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
    trade the creation just for you.”

– Isaiah 43:2-4

It has been awhile since I wrote a truly meaningful and personal blog entry. 

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind. – CS Lewis

“No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.” – Philippians 3:13

“Your success depends on the favor of God in your life!”

– Pastora Mylene Evangelista, New Life The Fort

As I write this, New Life The Fort’s Podcast about Qara: God Moments of Favor (if you haven’t subscribed to the podcasts of New Life The Fort, please do me a favor and do so… now!) and I couldn’t help but cry a bit as I listen and shout my own muffled amens to what Pastora Mylene Evangelista is sharing.

But before I get ahead of myself, allow me to begin this entry.

I have a lot of fond childhood memories but my favorites would always consist of Play Dough simply because my mom, the ultimate OC dislikes the mess it creates at home.

So whenever we had the chance to play with play dough, I would always squeal in delight (still do?!) and pour myself over the different patterns and molders that came with the brightly colored clay. I would spend hours playing with my classmates and thinking of what to create next.

This particular memory came to mind while listening to the said podcast simply because as we all know, we are the clay and God is the potter.

However, no matter how many times I sang the song in high school, I never quite understood until now.

I guess God answered the random questions in my head last Thursday.

As I watched the final episode of One Tree Hill, I found myself crying, wondering really where did the last seven years of my life go? I was crying not because I feel like my life is a mess right now, but I was crying because I remembered how hopeful I was of my life when I was 17, crying over yet again another episode of Tree Hill.

I knew in my heart that things were about to get better and at the back of my mind, I knew that God was making all things work together for my good.

It’s amazing to think that life never turns out the way we imagine it to. On most days, I think of it as a cliche, but on days such as this one, I have never believed in any statement more than I believe in that one.

I used to be cynical about it, always thinking that maybe I was going to end up doing something I detested and end up with a thousand cats alone when i’m sixty.

I guess that was before I truly believed in my heart that My God, My Daddy God loves me and cares about the things I care about, no matter how minute they may seem. To be reminded that our God loves us so much that He is the one who makes a way for us to meet specific people (Erik Spolestra, will I meet you soon?) and be in specific places at exactly the right time.

As I listen to the podcasts which reminds us that no matter how smart we are, how rich or how powerful we are, we will not be fulfilling what we were created for unless we given up our dependency on all those things and know that it is God’s favor that causes us wealth and success.

And it is God’s favor that brings us to where we want to be.

There is a different kind of peace when you know that God has you where He wants you, it is a peace that cannot be replaced by the material things in the world.

It is the kind of peace that comes with the assurance that you are doing what you were born to do, with the people you were meant to be with.

As I look back on the times I have tried to “mold” myself into something that I thought would make me happy, I cringe a bit, because I absolutely had no idea what God had for me and how limited my thinking was.

But as I slowly (and sometimes painfully) let go of relationships and dreams that I knew my Creator did not agree with, not because they were bad in general, but only because they were not what He had in mind when He created me, I opened myself up to the possibilities that God had for me from the beginning.

And as I write this, I believe that you reading this entry is also a “God happening” in action. That it is by divine intervention that you stumbled upon this blog and I want to remind you that:

You are loved. You are cared for and no you have not reached a dead end. God is simply preparing you for the bright things He has for you. No matter ho much you want to give up, believe that you are meant for more and believe in your heart that hey maybe today could be the last day you feel this way.

God is always in charge and He is faithful– He was not lying when He said that He will never leave you nor forsake you.

That broken dream or relationship may leave you crying for a bit, but believe me when I say that one day, you will look back and realize that it was all part of a grand plan.

So cry a little, but smile afterwards, because things will start turning around for you. The plan is falling  accordingly, all you have to do is have just a little more faith.

The right time at the right place.

Nobody but God can lead you to those prized encounters. 

So drop everything else, give it all to Him and see how wonderfully He works in your life, not because you deserve it, but because He loves you and wants you happy.

So pray and believe that September is YOUR month and God has filled its days with miracles and answered prayers.

There’s only so much in our lives that we can control.

If we only let go of our pride, we would realize that the major events in our lives are bigger than we are and must be orchestrated by someone smarter than us.

And in truth, Someone does hold everything in His hands– God.

So whatever it is that you’re waiting for– let it go.

In the right time, God will make the pieces fall the way that they should.

So stop struggling. Stop being ashamed of the things that make you weak.

Give it all to Him and once you do, you will see that in your weakness, God proves Himself strong.

God will make a way for you and His way is better than our most meticulously planned blueprints.

Have courage knowing that God will never ever leave you and will never cause you harm.

Whatever it is that you are going through right now and whether you feel God’s presence or not, please hold on.

Don’t you ever give up because God is always with you, regardless of what you feel or what you don’t feel. God’s love for you is not dependent on how you feel, it is dependent on who He is and what His word says about Him.

Also, God’s goodness is not dependent on your circumstances or where you are right now. No matter how dark the situation, believe that God has something great for you in the future, so don’t give up. Don’t miss out on what was meant for you in the beginning.

God is faithful. God is stable. God is able.

Keep going.

There are a lot of things that anger me.

But I should know better than let my anger get the best of me, however, it does lure its head every once in awhile.

Actually, anger in itself isn’t a bad thing, however, our reaction to anger is.

Out of impulse, anger can be extremely dangerous, which is why it must be dealt with accordingly.

For several years, I had difficulty in dealing with my anger outbursts and its consequences and there were also years wherein I just held all my anger in, which wasn’t healthy as well.

Most of the time, anger roots from a deeper wound that has not properly healed. Once the main issue is handled, we will also see how easier it is to deal with anger in a healthy manner.

A friend reminded me earlier that at the end of the day, all it takes is respect.

Respect for another who maybe the exact opposite of who we are, and just like what Jesus exemplified, live a life of love and yes this love takes the word “regardless” very seriously.

I can only pray, through Christ, that love overpowers anger and my belief of what I think is right (which may be skewed) on any given day.

I go by a lot of names: Carla. Teacher Carla. Bia. Bianx. Ms. Carla. Dork.

But my most favorite one is: NANA.