Christina in her oh so cute Scottish accent told Betty in episode 22 of Ugly Betty’s season said, “Go on Betty. You can rescue yourself.” Betty’s response? “Yes, I don’t need to be rescued”

This is in relation to my entry yesterday about me wanting to be saved. But when I woke up today and strummed the words I typed in last night, I thought,

“Why did I even think that?”

I guess yesterday, I forgot all about contentment. Yesterday, I forgot about the fact that I have my family and my real friends who love me and would probably think of me when that damn boat sinks.

I don’t know what I was so worried about yesterday; it was probably one of my many mood swings that I could barely explain, even to myself.

On my way to work, I started thinking why people come into our lives when we don’t need them and then leave when we finally learn how to need them.

Seriously, it’s so inconvenient. It’s so inconvenient to pour your heart, your time, your trust and everything else to someone and have them leave you. It leaves this horrendous void and you’d have to rebuild yourself again until another one comes along and breaks down what you’ve just worked so hard to rebuild.

As I’ve said, inconvenient and costly.

But nothing is without a purpose, every hurting, every disappointment is meant to help in the shaping of our lives and who we are. So I guess every time we crumble, every time we lose something, something is gained as well.

When we rebuild ourselves after a horrific earth shattering experience, we come to realize that we could rebuild ourselves the way we used to be before being shattered. No matter how we try hard things would never go back to the way they were.

But that’s not such a bad thing because it means that we’re wiser, it means than we’re a better version of who we used to be.

Instead of carrying around scars, what we have our trophies.

Why?

Because every time we lose everything and every time we have to start over we’re given the gift of knowing that despite losing everything, we can stand up, get through that and come out even better.

Too bad for them, leaving us like that.

🙂

Something was bothering me today and I can’t seem to undermine where it was coming from. Something was wrong, something had to be fixed but somehow, I couldn’t fathom what it was.

So I couldn’t fix it.

But towards the end of the day, I’ve realized,

“Why the hell should I?”

Whatever bothered me earlier, it has already bothered me before and I always thought that it was due to certain circumstances but the circumstances are different today.

From anyone else’s perspective, there’s nothing wrong with where I am right now so getting upset over a few comments that probably meant nothing shouldn’t upset me and yet again, they still do.

The problem may be because I never got to the core of the problem. Thier like ghosts haunting me down and never letting me rest.

Ghosts from the past that I haven’t truly forgiven.

Or am I not forgiving myself?

Am I not allowing myself to be happy? Or do I actually forget about myself for the sake of the people I love?

Sometimes I try too hard to save the people around me that I forget about myself and on some days, like the one I just had, it all boils down to this question:

Does someone care about me?

This question isn’t a psycho question and I’m not pleading to be loved. It’s just a question. At the end of the day, would anyone chose to save me when the boat sinks?

Or would I be too busy saving everyone else to actually remember that I need saving too?

“Ask and it shall be given to you. Seek and you shall find. Knock and it shall be opened for you. For anyone who asks, recieves, anyone who seeks finds and to him who knocks, the door will be opened”

-Matthew 7: 7-8

This life doesn’t have to be so hard. All we have to do is ask.

Yesterday, I finally had the nerve, not to mention the funds to have my otherwise pesky hair rebonded.

Yes, rebonding is something that I’ve wanted to do since I graduated from high school a little over three years ago. I only got to fulfill that dream of wash and wear hair yesterday.

I’m already done with school and now working. So I guess a couple of things take awhile.

But somehow, instead of feeling excited, I fell asleep a bit sad.

That’s because I’ve had my hair relaxed in high school and the results weren’t as stellar as I expected them to be.

I don’t know what it is about high school that makes you want to relive them every once in awhile. Maybe it’s the bittersweet sensation that goes along with it. Remembering high school also makes you see how much you have changed since those awkward years.

It just reminded me of Josie Grossie’s character from one of my most favorite films ever, Never Been Kissed.

I don’t think I’d ever go back to high school again but there are just some situations wherein I feel like I’m in high school again. Insecurity, I guess is prevalent for everyone at any age.

Those were the thoughts that I was thinking of last night. My Josie Grossie stories in high school and my very own version of Billy Prince.

I don’t know why really. I’m a very big fan of moving forward and not letting the past dictate what’s happening to our lives now but somehow the moments are very similar in one way or another.

And in a way, that creates a sense of fear. Remember how Josie felt when she was about to experience her second prom? She was afraid because what if history would repeat itself once again? What if her current Billy Prince would hurt her once again?

Is it fair to judge your current Billy Prince based on what the Billy Prince from the past did?

I know the answer to these questions and it once again gave me enlightenment.

Drew Barrymore’s character couldn’t have said it better, “I’m not JOSIE GROSSIE anymore!”
I would no longer allow the bad events that happened in the past to engulf me anymore. I shouldn’t let fear dictate the decisions that I would make in the next couple of days.

I know things will change very soon. I could only look forward to them and this time rest assured, I’m no longer looking back.

Today, I finally had the chance to sit down and think of how much has changed in the past month and I couldn’t even begin to marvel at how good the Lord has been to me.

I’ve always been afraid of change. I’ve always stuck to my routine because I wanted things to stay the same way that they have always been. I didn’t like change. I didn’t like plans to be rearranged at the last minute and neither did I want them to push through with glitches, even minor ones.

I guess it’s safe to say that I was living under the protection of one big bubble that I referred to as “perfection.”

Now, I hate that term more than anything. As the book Being Perfect said, “Perfection torments those who are and those who can never be”

I’ve become more relaxed ever since I stepped out of college. My dad attributes this to me being free from the rigid and competitive world of college but I beg to differ, I guess this is me being free from my rigid self.

It was never the environment. It had something to do with who I used to be.

I guess this is connected to my “thoughts on people” survey in a way. So if you hardly understand my jabber, please refer to that entry. hehe;)

I’m freer now because finally I’m letting things be and I haven’t been as scared as I used to be.

This is evident especially in specific parts of my life that I’d rather not touch on yet, but I guess it’s safe to say that I am finally finally taking risks. I’m finally feeling things rather than overanalyzing them to an extent!

In the past two months, I have learned to become less emotional and less expectant. Instead of planning what I should be doing every five minutes, I just finally learned to just let it go.

Prayer has been my number one armor and I’ve realized the only thing I’d ever need. As long as HE’S in me then I believe that the rest would follow.

I can’t wait for November to start because from here, things could only get better.

I’ve been disappointed by people before.

People I loved and people that I trusted.

That has happened more than once and yet, at the same time,

there were also people who have surprised me.

They have made me feel loved and have made me feel special.

I’ve met enough who I know I’d keep for a lifetime while I’ve also met people whom I want to edit out of my life.

(It’s just sad though that the people you want to keep are the ones who are gone too soon and the ones you’d like to forget about are the ones who stay longer than they should)

I was once again rereading The Purpose Driven Life and it said something about loving the unlovable. For some foreign reason, the Lord places these people in our lives in order for us to learn how to love our neighbors unselfishly.

That, my dear friend is one of the hardest things to accomplish. Some people go through their lives never learning to love or forgive.

In high school, I wasn’t such a “people person”. In fact, I hated half of the people I met. It may be embarrassing to talk about this now, but I guess the main reason for that was because of my insecurities. I failed to see the good on people because I didn’t see any good in myself.

Instead of appreciating people for whatever good traits they had, I criticized people.

I was so insecure that I only noticed the negative.

Trust me, that wasn’t the way to live.

Since I expected people to deal with me in a certain (negative) way, that was how they responded to me.

And I only blamed them, never myself.

I guess that was my “people crises” period.

I thought that period would never end.

I finally got over myself and my insecurities. I mean seriously, if I didn’t appreciate myself and love myself, who the else would?

Not much, I bet.

But getting over our little insecurities and getting rid of those crazy, doubting thoughts out of our mind is never easy.

So I stopped focusing on myself. It was such a relief to stop dwelling so much on what people thought of me, how I looked, how much I weighed (a favorite topic for most of the people on my “CHUCK LIST”) or how I acted.

I just lived.

I suddenly wasn’t scared anymore.

When I finally got over myself, things became easier. People became nicer, easier to deal with.

I’m not saying that there aren’t crummy people out there (this isn’t Disneyland honey and even they had villains) but there’s a way to avoid dealing with them so harshly.

As Morrie Schwartz said, “People are only mean when threatened”

I guess this entry only proves that I got over my people crises stage. I think finally, I found my place in the world. Therefore, I’ve found my inner peace.

I finally have something that people can faze by a nasty comment.

I’ve finally appreciated who I am thus making me appreciate people and the world more.

And you know what?

Since then, life has just been so full of awesome surprises:)

THINK BACK TO 1st year college… Let’s
see how much you remember and how much
you regret.. .

1. What section were you?
– our school does not like sectioning!:)

2. Who was your adviser?
– they have something about advisers too!:D

3. How many were you in one class?
– twenty would be a lot!!!

4. Who was your seatmate?
– first year? kae, shine or nolan. that’s a given! that never changed:)

5. Still remember your english prof?
– ms.chong!:)

6. What was your first class?
– principles of marketing!!:D

7. Who was/were your best friend/s
– Kae, Nolan and Shine. I know a lot has changed since then but now, it seems the same to me:)

8. Who did you like?
– ohmiggg… marcel:) haha:)

9. Made any enemies?
– i think I was a very different person then so don’t ask:)

10. Who was your favorite teacher?
– Ms. yay was on leave, so it was mr milevoi. shockker!

11. What sports did you play?
– ah hahaha… nothing:) i was too lazy! who trained at 7 to 9 pm? i never wanted to miss my daily dose of etc:)

12. Did you buy your lunch?
– nah, everything was either too expensive or too far

13. Were you a party animal?
– HAHA NO! i was the biggest geek!

14. Were you well known in your school?
– it’s a small school, everyone knows everyone. doink!

15 . Skipped Classes?
– never. good girl:) and if we did, where would we go? haha:)

16. Did you get suspended/expelled??
– ahem. NEVER:) i straightened up in college;)

17. Can you sing the alma mater?
– we have one? haha!

18. What was/were your favorite
subject/ s?
– MIS because of sir tsai but mostly my advertising (the ear) and marketing classes!

19. What was your school’s full name?
– Southville Foreign Colleges

20. If you could go back in time and
do it
all over, would you?
– IN A HEARTBEAT:)

21. What do you remember most about first year?
– growing up, getting hurt, falling in love and learning to pick myself up:)

22 . Favorite memory in 1st yr?
– I cannot pick out just one but for this survey’s sake, international week 2005. that damn slide!

I MISS YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!:)