(Translation: If “Danny” and I got over ourselves for one minute and actually sat down to have a decent conversation; this is what I would tell him and what I dream the conversation would be)

“Why do we do this?”

“Do what?”

“Hide beneath the preface that we are okay”

“We are okay, we’re friends”

*scoffs*

“We’re not friends because if we are friends, we would place such a huge effort on pushing each other away and finding a reason to not like each other. No, we’re not friends”

*ponders a minute*

“Why do we do that? Because for two people who don’t seem to care beyond normal friends or acquaintances do, we’re easily affected by each other’s actions”

*Silence again*

“I think it means only one thing”

“This whole charade is not working because if it’s working then we wouldn’t even have this conversation. We’d just be together, no questions asked”

“You, of all people should know that this is not like any normal situation you see on TV”

“But still. If it’s meant to happen, we wouldn’t hurt each other all the time. We wouldn’t play all these childish games, we’d just be”

*Silence. A very heavy silence*

“So, what could this mean?”

“It means we leave this be and move on. Something I should have done months ago”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.”

“So, it’s the end?”
*I smile for the first time since I started the conversation in my head*

“Well, not really maybe, after this conversation, we’d finally be just friends. This is something that we’ve wanted at the beginning, before this whole mess started-to be just friends”

I walk away in my head and I’m back to veracity and although the conversation never materialized, I’m smiling in reality as well because, well, the conversation somehow makes the situation more comprehensible. Something easier to grasp, so I guess in a twisted way, I was able to deal with it.

(Translation: If “Danny” and I got over ourselves for one minute and actually sat down to have a decent conversation; this is what I would tell him and what I dream the conversation would be)

“Why do we do this?”

“Do what?”

“Hide beneath the preface that we are okay”

“We are okay, we’re friends”

*scoffs*

“We’re not friends because if we are friends, we would place such a huge effort on pushing each other away and finding a reason to not like each other. No, we’re not friends”

*ponders a minute*

“Why do we do that? Because for two people who don’t seem to care beyond normal friends or acquaintances do, we’re easily affected by each other’s actions”

*Silence again*

“I think it means only one thing”

“This whole charade is not working because if it’s working then we wouldn’t even have this conversation. We’d just be together, no questions asked”

“You, of all people should know that this is not like any normal situation you see on TV”

“But still. If it’s meant to happen, we wouldn’t hurt each other all the time. We wouldn’t play all these childish games, we’d just be”

*Silence. A very heavy silence*

“So, what could this mean?”

“It means we leave this be and move on. Something I should have done months ago”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.”

“So, it’s the end?”
*I smile for the first time since I started the conversation in my head*

“Well, not really maybe, after this conversation, we’d finally be just friends. This is something that we’ve wanted at the beginning, before this whole mess started-to be just friends”

I walk away in my head and I’m back to veracity and although the conversation never materialized, I’m smiling in reality as well because, well, the conversation somehow makes the situation more comprehensible. Something easier to grasp, so I guess in a twisted way, I was able to deal with it.

My idols include: Rory Gilmore and Joey Potter so it’s safe to assume that one of my dreams is to give a graduation speech. I really don’t know if this dream would actually come true, but hey that doesn’t stop me from imagining that I’m actually at that podium speaking to a million hopeful faces.

So here’s my take on it:

Humor me and close your eyes for five seconds and imagine where you are five years from now. Now do me another favor and imagine yourself wealthy in all aspects of your life: your relationships, your career and your family life.

So, what exactly is the point of that whole exercise? The point is for you to remember yourselves at this exact moment. Remember this moment wherein all of us, collectively dreamed of the future and saw it as a blank state filled with possibilities. Remember this moment wherein you thought that everything is possible because this very moment will take you through the toughest challenges when you realize that the world is not perfect.

Yes, my dear friends, the world outside this building isn’t perfect. Not every person that you’re going to meet is going to like you; in fact 8 out of ten people would find a way not to like you. Not all your ideas are going to be well-received and in as much as you hate to admit it, there would always be someone better than you.

But that’s okay; don’t let those little things scare you because you won’t relish the experience without the little bumps in the road. As cliché as it may sound, it’s those tough times that make things worthwhile. It makes you respect yourself more because you’ve gone through something you were so afraid of at the beginning.

And don’t be afraid of the people who challenge you. In as much as I love the people who pick me up every time I fall and willing to take care of me when I cry inconsolably, I’m also grateful to those people who challenged me because I wouldn’t be the person I am now if they didn’t push me to reexamine myself and improve myself. Don’t be afraid of criticism, it could only make you better. Accept the people, who challenge you, you need them as much as you need those who lovingly hold you until you stop crying.

Take risks my friend. Stop being so afraid, when you are blessed with something good, don’t run away from it. Most of the time we’re afraid to take giant leaps of faith when it comes to something important, something special, always remember that you deserve it. It’s given to you because you deserve it.

And lastly, always keep the faith. I tried finding better ways of saying it but really that’s all that this speech boils down to: keeping the faith. Don’t expect life to be perfect, but always expect yourself to rise above any situation and yes, there are people who would be better than you but always remember that you have something that they don’t. You have that special ability that no one else has. Stop trying to be someone you’re not, just tap into that special ability and you’d realize that getting up in the morning is easier.

To the graduates of 2008: Congratulations not just for this major milestone in your life. I know that each and everyone in this room would be great someday so for that I also congratulate you in advance!

Ha! Take that Joey Potter!

Stop being so dramatic!

Life isn’t supposed to work out when you’re a senior and sixteen. It should begin when you’re sixteen but your fairytale story is not supposed to happen when you’re sixteen. In fact, it takes a few years before it manifests but don’t worry all the hurt, disappointments and failures add up to the person that you’re supposed to be when that dream manifests. So even if life becomes shitty for you, take it because you become better because of it.

There’s no such thing as a “perfect high school experience”

So stop dreaming and expecting that your high school years will be patterned to those you’ve seen in Hilary Duff movies. Things don’t pan out that way and you’d start to experience and relish your unique high school experience more and stop expecting that your very own Nathan Scott would swoop down and save you.

You don’t need other people to know that you’re beautiful

This is a hard lesson that I learned four years too late. I think if my sixteen year old self wasn’t so insecure, I would have enjoyed certain moments more. Cultivate your relationship with the Lord and from there, you’d find ways to feel beautiful. That’s really all you need.

Let the geek be your first love and thank him for being one

I just want to remind you, my sixteen year old self that one of the most brilliant choices that you’ve made in your entire lifetime is falling in love with a geek in high school because he made you realize that geeks make the best boy friends (even if you were never more than friends). And this particular geek also made you realize that hey, even if he never admitted to liking you, you can still thank him for that because he respected the fact that there are priorities other than the obvious of having a love life.

Pay more attention

Stop discussing your friends’ love lives during Trig and stop reading novels during pre-Calc classes because even if you did above average during college, you would have adjusted easily if you learned to listen to Sir Ben instead of finding ways to make fun of him,

Take more pictures

I know you love taking pictures as much as I do (your twenty year old self) but still you could have continued on with your high school scrapbook. The moments that you should have taken pictures of were the pictures during candid moments, the one taken during SF lunches and what not. Those are the precious moments and not PROM or anything superficial as such.

Expect less from people and make a HUGE effort to accept them for who they are

You’d find the greatest friends in high school once you look past the fact that in high school, everyone is trying to be someone and it can be annoying, but you’re at that point in your life so just be forgiving of people and you’d see they’d grow into the most amazing characters in your life.

STOP BEING AFRAID!

I think this is something that I should also be telling your twenty year old self but I guess all fears and insecurities began when you were in high school so you should stop being so afraid. Take more risks dear and when it comes to the matters of the heart, when it’s right in front of you. STOP FINDING REASONS TO PUSH IT AWAY. Just be thankful.

STOP BEING SO SERIOUS ALL THE TIME

I understand that you’re all for saving the world, politics and Darfur, but really Bianca, loosen up. Your twenty year old self is still very much caught up in these issues but her blog is no longer be bombarded by them.

I’m rethinking my stance on this whole crush thing. A few days a go, it was doing pretty well for me but now it’s driving me to the brinK of insanity.

So hell yea,h, I’m rethinking it!

I HATE MIND-GAMES ESPECIALLY SINCE HE’S SO GOOD AT IT.

Joey: [Sighs] Hi, it’s me. So, I thought that I would have an answer when I picked up the phone, but I didn’t. And then I thought I would think of something as I was talking, but–heh– no such luck. Um… Pace… I think the problem is trying to figure this out alone. I–I think that maybe we should… do it together, you know? And… you know how they say if you could do it all over again, what would you change? Well… I’d probably change a lot of things… but I’m also really lucky that I have the chance. And… I guess what I’m saying is that I’m not gonna look at you and think of everything that happened. I’m… I’m gonna look at you and think of everything that could. Call me. Bye.

When you fully commit yourself to a cause, a person or a situation you’re also committing yourself to the possibility that the cause, the person or the situation may not turn out the way you expected it to be at the beginning.

I guess at the back of everyone’s mind’s, you know that somewhere along the way something might happen and the cause, the person or the situation that’s supposed to make your life easier, worthwhile and happier ends up to be a ridiculous heartbreak—one that’s hard to get over and one that will turn you inside and out before it allows you to be happy again. Those heartbreaks that can define you and one critical season in your life, that specific season separate you from the dreamer that you used to be and the realist that you have become.

It reminds you of how you used to be and how you are now. In a way, it makes you smile to look back because you’ve grown so much. You’ve accepted that you can’t make people change, but you can make an effort to accept them for who they are.

You begin to understand that every realized dream is not what you expected it to be and sometimes, it’s better to just pine instead of receiving the same dream.

It also makes you realize that life has a lot of options and not everyone is transparent as you are or is everything inked in black and white. People view situations differently and not everyone responds the same way you do in certain situations.

Just like the quote I included in this entry: “And… I guess what I’m saying is that I’m not gonna look at you and think of everything that happened. I’m… I’m gonna look at you and think of everything that could be.”

To conclude, I guess impending heartbreaks are not meant to be feared. I guess, in a silly, distorted way, one should welcome it because as I keep on yammering about, you took the risk baby and that’s all that matters.

Bless The Broken Road

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there you understand
It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

1. Is it difficult for you to look into someone’s eyes when you are telling them how you feel?

– Not really. It’s a must for me to look at someone in the eye when i’m telling them how I feel becaue that’s the only way that I’d really know how they’re feeling.

2. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?
– My Parents. Since they are always together, I’m sure that I’d be able to reach the both of them.

3. You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. (A) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? (B) What do you do with your remaining days? (C) Would you be afraid?

A) I won’t tell anyone, I want to live my life exactly the same way. only I’d be taking more risks. I won’t tell them because they’d give me the freedom to do whatever I please and that eliminates the risking part which makes the whole point worth it.

B) LIVE. FALL IN LOVE. GO ON AN ADVENTURE. DANCE. LAUGH. SKYDIVE. TELL EVERYONE I LOVE THAT I LOVE THEM AND MAKE VIDEOS FOR EVERYONE I LOVE–VIDEOS THAT THEY WOULD WATCH FIVE YEARS AFTER I DIE. The only purpose is for them to remind them of what’s important.

C) Yes. I think it’s normal to be afraid.
4. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love.
– Trust. The foundation of any relationship, you can’t fully love a person without trusting them first.
5. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
-This isn’t the best thing that I’m going to say but I really wouldn’t stop to help the dog because my job’s important. I’d probably shout to a passerby instead and ask them to save the dog. I mean, I can’t afford to be late and the dog may be carrying a disease and letting him die serves mankind This is a weird question. Moving on.

6. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
-Ireland

7. Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you?
– I’d give ten years of my life to spend ten hours with kc again. I miss her. I have so much to tell her about growing up and getting out of those crummy teenage years. I still have to let her watch Gossip Girl. I still need her around and ten hours would be perfect. I know her dad would love to spend time with her too so I’m sharing the ten hours with him.

8. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
.– Yes.

9. Does love = sex?
– Everyone knows that no, love does not equal sex and sex does not equal love, that’s just not the way the world works.

10. Your best friend dies, what would you do?
– KARLA NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Life would never be the same!

11. When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
– I’m always honest.But if you mean honestly in that way then it’s been awhile because I haven’t been entangled in that kind of mess in awhile and it feels good.

12. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
– It’s harder for me to tell someone that I don’t love them back. I know how it feels to get my heart broken and squashed and I don’t wish that on anyone, especially on someone who for some weird reason found the reason to love me.

13. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up?
– my family.

14. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
– this morning. I always tell my friends and family that I love them. It’s a must for me.

15. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had “no regrets” what would it be?
-hmmm…. tough question… let me think…ahh found it… but i’d rather not divulge that here for everyone to see

16. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?

– my brother carl, only because he has become a freakkeen giant and my dear baby brother can now save me from anything or anyone 🙂

17. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
-Can I just rush him to the nearest hospital because honestly, I have no idea how to do CPR, I might make things worse for him.

18. Are you old-fashioned?
-Yes, I truly am.

19. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?
-Truel love with a guarantee of a heartbreak. Life is too damn short to not enjoy the fact that you are loved back.

ANDY RODDICK IS ENGAGED!!!!
TEARS TEARS TEARS.

How can I ever cope?

There’s definitely something to be said about having a crush again. The term is such a high school term and hearing it from a would be twenty year old doesn’t sound all that appealing right now.

I think it borders between insanity and foolishness.

But let me tell you, it feels good and uncomplicated.

It doesn’t involve any drama at all. It just is.

When you grow up, you tend to get tangled into a web of insecurities and doubt which makes the whole thing draining instead of fulfilling.

I’m done with that whole thing.

These days, seeing my very own version of Troy Bolton is quite enough.

Besides, how could my heart ever be mended now that Andy Roddick’s engagaed?

No guy would ever come close