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Where’s The Good in A Bad Day?

To cap off a bad day, I’d usually have a rant list filled with nothing but complaints about my life and how evil people are.

Praise God He gives us second, third and infinite chances and here I am, at the end of a bad day and yet, I’m still dancing on the inside.

To live a life that’s meant for Jesus alone is quite wonderful simply because the things that used to shatter our world before doesn’t even cause us to flinch anymore.

It doesn’t mean that i’m taking these things lightly, it just means that I know who I’m living for and who has my back at the end of the day.

And it’s incredible!

No more overanalyzing. No more thinking of what other people think about me and no more depression over another failed soon to be romance.

God is alive and it is through His power that I can face each day despite all the challenges that each day brings.

It is through Him that I can get up each day and try to led and used by Him.

And because of that strength and that truth, no matter how many times I see things that break my heart, I stand strong because I know He lives in me and nothing is without a purpose.

That a single tear does not go to waste in His kingdom and so as I go to sleep tonight, I cling to that truth and in His truth I find my freedom.

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Purity and The City

I watched Beauty and The Briefcase and wow Hilary Duff has turned into a vixen overnight, well not exactly overnight but she’d always be Lizzie McGuire to me.

And WOW, from Lizze McGuire to the sexy Cosmo writer in that movie, the physical scenes were definitely highlighted.

And it brought me once again to the relationships that the world has come to know.

It’s purely physical and void of anything emotional, in order to fall in love with someone, it’s important to know them “physically” first.

And everywhere I go, every song I listen to that’s what I hear.

What was taught to me when I was younger was the exact opposite of what the world expected of me.

So it was a push and pull and although I never had to compromise my beliefs, I never quite got why it shouldn’t be done because everyone else seemed to enjoy it, why should it be wrong?

Well, the consequences of irresponsible actions are never quite pretty or fun.

But this generation cries, “take the risk” and while some may feel bold to take the risk, it still cries immaturity.

So if it’s just about responsibility, then I should just be more responsible right? So if I’m responsible enough I can get away with doing it?

Again, that means I’m resting on my own self control and since I’m a human being now what are the chances that my self control is kept tight?

I don’t mean to condemn anyone because i understand how difficult it is and what the world demands and I’ve tried to find answers as to why I should follow that ancient rule but so far ive come up with none.

The reason I now understand is because once again, little not so mighty me is once again trying to make it on my own when all I have to do is ask for God’s strength.

And eversince I understood God’s strength I realized why God is expecting me to wait.

For one thing, He delights when His children obeys His commands because we must understand that God never commands us todo anything that would harm us.

Also, when we obey His will, we’re being placed in a position where we are ready to receive His blessings and that includes His best.

Where we’re not broken or living in guilt–that’s God’s best, yes it’s quite hard to sacrifice or leave a relationship because it demands something we’re not supposed to hand over yet but God fills that hole. In Him we are able.

And most importantly, what we have to understand is this, God’s love doesn’t demand.

That’s what I learned from our Pastor today, when we love someone we don’t demand, instead we seek to give and serve that person, just the way God loves us.

When someone says they love us and they have a checklist of things we have to do for them, that’s not love.

When they only seek for their own selfish desires, they only love themselves. They’re not displaying God’s love and as God’s daughter, I shouldn’t expect anything less than His best because on the cross He exemplified what true love is and that’s the love I strive to give and I expect from my future mate.

And though the pressures or idealisms of the world may not change, God is in me and in His strength, I am made whole 😉

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Me and My Big Mouth


I was on Facebook the other day and I came across this fanpage that was about a 15 year old who killed herself because of way too harsh questions of formspring.


That’s when I realized that the intensity of words can really ruin someone. And I started going on a Twitter rage against formspring and what’s happening to the world today and why are teens so mean, yada, yada, yada.

Well basically, I was being a self-righteous little hypocrite (who even couldn’t spell formespring correctly!) because you know, there was a time, there are times where I’d also judge someone unabashedly.

I’ve lost countless friendships because I couldn’t tame my mouth and stop judging people. I had an opinion about everyone and everything, including everyone’s relationships, everyone’s clothes, basically everything under the sun, I had an opinion about it.

And whenever someone would call me for it, i’d be defensive and pass it off as being, “honest.”

And it took me awhile to actually get down and admit it, admit that I was hurting people and myself through the words that I would constantly spew.

It took a simple revelation for me to understand that the beginning of showing God’s love and knowing God’s love is by loving other people and loving other people doesn’t mean that we sit down and love them affectionately, but instead loving them by not wishing them well and not speaking ill about them.

Our good Lord never judged, so who am I to judge His children?

When you think about it, it’s quite fantastic, because despite our differences, we are all children of God,who am I to speak ill about someone that God himself also created?

I have no right to talk about His creation that way. Because I, too, is His creation.

And it’s not easy, most especially if you’re a girl and gossip is a sport.

It’s not easy, but whatever God calls us to do, we can do because He is the one who gives us strength to be able to do it.

And because of this truth, I am trying to transform my heart and from there, hoping that my words would be transformed as well.

It’s a lifestyle change. It’s taking a step back before uttering something and it’s accepting gentle rebukes.

Because as I’ve said, I won’t give up until I see God’s work completed in me and until I see changes on the outside.
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Day Seventy Two


The Original Disney Darling


Since i’m spending the entire day at home, I realized that there’s nothing to take a picture of that I already haven’t taken a picture of.
So while I was browsing through my latest dvd collection care of Ruins, I saw The Beauty and The Briefcase which stars my favorite Disney Darling EVER!, Hilary Duff.
I don’t know she’s just one big ball of sunshine (except for the time that she was as thin as a stick) and I just really love her.
And as cheesy as her films are, I really enjoy them. And for the record my favorite Hilary Duff movie ever is A Cinderella Story. Her dress was really cute and it signified a time in my life when I really wanted to be her.
That seems like a long time ago, but it was good while it lasted. 🙂 Cheers to high school memories.
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Lost and Found


” Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.”
Psalm 139:4-5

I love my TV.

Eversince I was a little girl, entertainment came from watching TV, a lot of TV.

I wouldn’t dare miss Lampchops Sing Along, Little Lulu, Arthur and Sabrina on Saturdays and summer mornings.

As I got older, I’d also indulge in Dawson’s Creek, Popular and Gilmore Girls. Shows that you can’t illegally
download yet and had to wait week after week, indulging in your craving.

That’s the reason why most of my ideals came from watching too much television and partly from reading
way too much tween books growing up.

So laugh all you can, but yes, some of my ideals are pretty twisted.

For one thing, I grew up thinking that when the tough gets going all you have to do is pray and there’s really
nothing wrong with that because it’s nice to have a relationship with God, but it distorted my thinking because I
started seeing my relationship with the Lord the way Aladdin saw his genie from the bottle.

I only came to the Lord when I needed something and completely shut him off whenever what I wanted wasn’t granted.

It was a pretty selfish way to live and it slowly seeped into the other areas of my life.

Entering highschool, I finally came across the reality that there is such a thing as God’s best and it didn’t
necessarily align with what I wanted, what my flesh wanted and what my own fleshly desires wanted.

However, being the stubborn teenager that I was, I decided to still make it on my own, read Christian books
without reading the Bible (again, nothing wrong with reading Christian books but I never got the book
that mattered-the Bible) and tried to find situations that’s approved by most Christian communities and
lay it to God.

Most conversations were filled with, “God, I read all the material I could possibly read and this, this is
what you want for me, so let me have it.”

I could only laugh at how naive and how embrassing everything was.

So since my prayers weren’t being answered, there came another twisted point of view, I started thinking that
I wasn’t being a good enough christian.

So I “pretended” to be good enough.

I was the daughter who wouldn’t do anything bad, no drugs, no sleepovers, no boyfriends, nothing.
But inside of me, there were demons, a lot of them.
There were battles in my head that I wasn’t winning.

My emotions were at rage and at 18, I had so much bitterness inside of me
you’d think I was 38 with children and without a husband. I was so angry and mad at the world and I couldn’t
find the very thing I was looking for.

I was so lost and embittered. I was mad at my parents eventhough I knew they had given me nothing but love.

I was irritated by people who God seemed to love more than me and I knew that my life wasn’t going anywhere.

I was greedy, jealous and insecure. The worst traits combined into one. Practically I was a walking time bomb.

On the outside, I was winning awards left and right, but on the inside, the war was raging and I was losing.

And I was so lost and empty that I found myself looking to people, my job and my weight to make me feel worthy and loved.

Even my hyperthyrodism condition (which I am already healed from, Praise God!) couldn’t stop me. I was being
my own superwoman.

I could do everything, but on the inside, I was losing it. I was losing the will to go on and everytime I got
rejected intentionally or not, I was losing a part of myself.

Until the day came when I realized that I had nothing else to give.

The battle just wasn’t in my head, it was with the people closest to me as well.

I hated myself and although I tried to find God and tried to be in chruch and tried to turn my shelves into my
very own version of OMF, I was lost.

Where was God in all of this? Where was the goodness that He promised? If He loved me, why am I so broken?

And that’s when it came, there weren’t any fireworks, I wasn’t even in Church.

Don’t get me wrong, I never stopped believing in all the things that I knew God could give me.

I never ceased in thinking that there was a God who gave up His son for me.

I knew all that but with all the plans that I had for myself, I knew I couldn’t be bothered to be transformed
by God, I could make it on my own and if I needed help, He would be there for me.

What did I tell you? Pretty selfish right?

But God, despite my stubborness and brokeness, picked me up and led me to people who would later on be
instruments to this transformation.

One by one, people who loved God and had a healthy relationship with Him trinkled into my life and that’s when
I realized, I wanted that life, I wanted a life that would be for God.

I didn’t know where to begin, but I knew that I had to start somewhere.

And slowly, but surely, as I let God into parts of my life that He couldn’t touch before, I saw His hand
move, I saw His favor and I saw His strength through my weaknesses.

And yet, in my own selfish heart, I still believed that God gave the impossible, however, it was another
distorted point of view. When I say God would give the impossible, it was once again connected to my
earthly desires.

And just like a cliche, it was a heartbreak and the collapse of several relationships that my life depended on
that I decided to relinquish control.

I decided to give God the pen and it wasn’t an overnight change, but everyday that I wake up and ask Him
to take control of every aspect of my life, He would slowly change and mend a bit of my broken heart.

And for the first time in my life, I was made whole. I was dancing on the inside and the funny thing about it is
that it had nothing to do with my circumstances.

Things were pretty much still the same, but life was more fantastic and it was all because I started seeing it with
God’s eyes through the Holy Spirit.

And the struggle, the struggle that has been there since I could remember was gone.

The struggle was gone because finally, I stopped making God a genie, but instead, I made Him the Author of My Life.

Slowly, I am learning to allow His desires to become mine and I have never been happier.

It’s taking one day at a time, I am still a work in progress in Christ, but it’s okay, God has been patient
for the past 21 years of my life.

If I could talk to who I was eight years ago, I’d have a lot to tell her.

For one thing, I’d tell her that true beauty could be found in Christ and that I’d have to stop trying to
merit God’s goodness, because He gave it all for me on the cross.

I’d also tell her that God’s best didn’t include a hot body and a hot boyfriend.

But instead, God’s best could be found in totally surrendering everything to Him and see my life being shaped
by the Creator Himself.

Aren’t we all special? Our Maker just doesn’t hand us over to His assistant and let His assistant do the work
for Him, but instead He does the work on His own.

That’s how loved we are. That’s how loved I am.

And it just brings tears to my eyes to know the truth, that despite what I did, what people have said about me, the judgement I myself have placed against myself and people, that I still have a God who loves me.

And a God who couldn’t love me more than He does now.

And it amazes me because for someone who has been a prisoner of the world, this truth is the one that sets me free.

That I can finally stop pretending, like those characters on the TV shows that I love so much and just be
in the Father’s arms.

That people may not love me and people may not understand me, even those closest to me, but it’s okay
because I found my real identity in Him and there’s no looking back.

And despite all the pain and the rejection I’ve felt, I don’t regret it, because it served it’s purpose,
it showed me how gracious and how loving our God truly is and it made me appreciate what He gave up for me.

One step at a time, my heart is being transformed and although it’s taking awhile, I know today is an adventure with God.

And you know these days, the changes in me has nothing to do with my strength or my power, but instead the power of God working in me, that I was able to overcome that sullen girl because of the work that He is doing inside of me and I won’t give up until I see His work completed in me.

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Day Sixty Eight: April 23, 2010


Good Bye, Neo


It was a good four years.

Thank you for your service, the joy and for guiding me through friendster, facebook, multiply and twitter.

Thank you for allowing me to survive college and the first three years of my working life.

We had a pretty good relationship together, but it’s time to move on now.

Thank you again for all the love, laughter and technical assistance you have given. You were more than a gadget, you were a toolbox of memories! So rest well, Neo!