Day One: New Beginnings

The beginning of my new life, a cheer, a toast. I look forward to nothing but good things 🙂

Today marked the goodbye that ive been yammering about and while I was in my Teaching Strategies class, I sent out thank you messages to the special people who made SISC a more bearable work arena and much to my surprise, a lot of them texted back and for the first time since I worked there, I did feel loved and appreciated.

It felt good to know that I’ve sown good seeds and that my little knicknacks were appreciated.

Someone told me earlier that Southville was a good experience and that because of it, I’ll have a better gauge of how people are.

It wasn’t the happiest two years but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Because I learned, grew up and at one point, fell in love.

Here goes our next adventure!

Today was a good day. It has been awhile since I said that.

But the days in between where I was delusioned, annoyed, hurt and challenged didn’t go to waste.

I once again dusted myself off, picked up what I had to learn and just trusted that something good will happen in spite of it.

So many realizations and so much that would fuel my growth, but how I wish that along the way to yet again to another mount of self discovery, that I didn’t lose special people.

The price you pay for growing up is quite expensive: usually in order to get out of your comfort zone or in order for God to bring you to a higher place, you have to let go of certain things and certain people.

Which hurts and sometimes, you wish it doesn’t have to happen but for some unchartered reason something good falls apart before your eyes and before you know it it’s gone.

And you become a wreck because you held on to that beautiful thing with dear life without even realizing it, you only do when you see the hole that it has left.

it becomes a struggle to deal with for awhile because you don’t want to let go of it, but God does take it away for a reason because without it, you’re no longer boxed in by unrealistic expectations.

You know there are days when you just want to settle because it feels good, you forget that God has something better so we should never really settle. But we forget that, we forget it’s essence.

Raising the bar means letting go of things that weigh you down and believe me on most days it’s the good things that weigh us down simply because we get comfortable and it becomes our security blanket.

Growing up means dispelling fear and all our displaced securities. It means accepting things for what they are and letting go of what was never truly be in the first place.

Yes it does hurt at one point but it’s worth the struggle when we wake up one day and realize that what we have is even better than what or who we lost.*

Tomorrow may be that day. So chin up.

(*picked that quote up somewhere makes sense, aye?)

I really didn’t want to write and not because I didn’t want to release the anger and pain in my life but because for the first time in a long time, I’ve found it difficult to find the words to say what’s killing me inside my heart.

However, i’ve been reading a book by John Ortberg and for the past couple of days something inside me has been nagging me to go ahead and just write about what I’ve learned so far from the book.

For one thing, it talks about God’s calling for our lives and it has nothing to do with power, security or our job title. Instead it has everything to do with what God wants for us and our purpose.

Before I ventured into teaching full time, I’ve always thought that in order for me to be defined as successful I’d have to have the title and the career in corporate to
back it up. I’ve always been tricked into thinking that if it’s not a corporate job it won’t make much sense.

That was how I felt before I let go of my two year “corporate” job and then I realized that life could be good and we can stop struggling and going against what the Lord has planned just because we want to prove that we’re worthy or successful in the eyes of the world.

It feels good to be in a place where God wants you to be because that’s when supernatural things happen that is when everything breaks through and you’re amazed at how wonderful things are.

Each one has a purpose. The purpose of another isn’t what is meant for the other. Yes another person’s calling may seem better but if we put ourselves in their shoes it wouldn’t make much sense simply becase we weren’t empowered or designed to be there.

It takes a lot of maturity to understand but once you get it, it’s beautiful.

I was in the grocery today, staring longingly at a Twix bar and trying to explain to it while I can’t buy it when I was distracted by this, “kasi alam mo hindi ako bitter, okay lang talaga”

She said this while clutching desperately two Matadors, a signal, if anything that she is not okay. Suddenly it’s admit all the girls who heard her remained silent, as if they all felt her pain and denial.

While I continued to try and avoid eavesdropping, my eyes landed on the latest cosmopolitan cover and it said, “I’m hot and single” so I impulsively picked it up because this was new, cosmo usually brainwashed girls into getting guys. Was this the revolution that we’ve all been looking for?

In the day and age of Carrie Bradshaw, I’d like to think that more girls are educated enough to live without men and stop being controlled by their foolish games.

And still, I come across women like little miss matador every single day.

Cosmo reports that 84% of filipinas they surveyed are single and it’s because more women are pressured by society to have a career and become independent.

Which is a good thing. Women are smarter now and wiser, however, behind every smart woman is a jack*** who broke her heart so she turned over to the dark side and fell in love with her career instead, which for me is probably one of the best things a girl could ever do.

I admire women who are independent, driven and sassy. Angelina Jolie exuded it well before Brad Pitt and i’ve always admired her way of doing things.

And when I talk about smart women, I don’t mean women who date around or women who sleep around just because they want to feel good about themselves and they want to prove that they can “date and dash” the way men do.

Eventhough this women have a million and one men trailing after them, they’re actually the weak ones. The ones who don’t have confidence to be ALONE, they constantly spend their time beautifying themselves just because they want to lure a guy.

An indepedent woman doesn’t allow a guy to use her because it makes her feel in control when in truth she is simply being laughed at behind her back. These are the girls that tend to settle for less because who would be with a girl who’s been with everyone?

An independent woman knows what she deserves and never settles for less. Women who run their lives are the real independent women who are meant to be celebrated and although they have had their own share of heartaches and mistakes, they don’t continue to find their validation in men.

That’s how a woman should be. God created our bodies not to lure men into sin but instead to bring people closer to Him.

A strong woman can stand alone, focusing on het fabulous self, family and friends.

A smart woman never steals another woman’s man.

And a truly independent woman doesn’t sleep around because indepedence isn’t about that at all.

Independence is being smart enough to know that a guy who treats you like trash doesn’t deserve anything from you, not even a reply.

The mindshift is changing. I’m proud of my ladies who know what this means, you are beautiful and a real man would know that.

So go ahead, love your life and embrace all the adventure: you are fantastic and no you don’t need a man to validate that!

At this point I’m grateful to be where I am. Simply because in my heart, I know this is where God wants me to be.

i was just wondering why when someone hurts us, we always feel that we deserve it. we feel that somehow, it was something that was bound to happen.

but you know we have to let it go at one point, because truth is, yes you don’t deserve it.

you don’t deserve it because whoever came up with the lie that you don’t deserve to be with the guy who isn’t even man enough to admit to his feelings is a lie.

you’re wonderful, that’s why he settled for less because he knows that he’s too insecure or too afraid to admit what he’s really feeling.

Rejection doesn’t mean that you’re not worth anything, it just simply means that you are worth so much more. That’s the truth, accept it. You are too beautiful and too wonderful for him.

In one of the One Tree Hill season four episodes (it was during the time that Peyton realizes that she’s in love with Lucas still) Brooke, who for some chaotic reason was mad at Rachel Gatina (again) and she said something along this line, “I know what it feels like to get your heart broken and i wouldn’t wish that on anyone, not even my worst enemy”

And without explaining anything because my personal life isn’t really all that interesting, i found myself reciting the same thing.

You know that twisted pain you feel that torturous thing that just eats you up and spits you out and you can’t breathe and you feel like crying in the middle of the day because that’s how much it hurts.

There’s no cure for it. There’s no meds to take to make it go away, it’s just there, hurting less and less as the days go by.

And the funny thing is is that you can’t really explain why it hurts the way it does. It just hurts. Maybe that’s nature’s twisted way of saying that you cared for someone. It’s the irony of life that something that made you happy once is now the torture that threatens your sanity.

It never makes sense. It probably has a lot to do with the ego: i mean why would anyone reject me and my awesome-ness?

But in reality, i guess it has a lot more to do with the bruised ego, it’s the feeling that you’re not good enough.

And that pain, nobody deserves that. it should really be a crime. most people are driven to do insane things because of this little thing called a broken heart and i’m pretty sure that if there’s anyway to avoid it it, i’m sure people would claw for it.

but it’s inevitable, it happens, but you know, somehow i just really hope: it gets better.

cause you know at one point, everything broken would eventually heal itself.