The Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez and the gang video was pretty cool. But, seriously, nothing beats this:

I meant to write this about a week ago, but couldn’t seem to pin the thoughts that graciously swim around my head like Dory and Marlin.

For a week, it was a constant “should i” or “should i not” debate in my head. Originally, when I created this mini world of mine on the internet, the sole purpose of it was to pour out my emotions like Peyton Sawyer on that webcam of hers.

Unfortunately when I was 15, my emotions consisted purely of that “jerk” in high school (who isn’t really a jerk, he’s probably one of the nicest people I know) and “mean girls” (there’s some truth to this). This is all probably pretty much typical adolescent behavior, but my mini world in cyberspace didn’t well, really contribute much happiness in the world.

However, I have come to realize that writing entirely personal entries on my blog was out of base simply because I don’t think the world cares that much about how many times I cry to Britney Spears’ “From The Bottom of My Broken Heart” and also there’s already too much broken hearts in the world, the world doesn’t need another version of it.

What they need is a story of hope. A story that proves that after the heartache and pain and journal ripping efforts, it is worth something.

I am kind of hoping that this story is more about that and less the bitter, “I am better without you, foo” we always pretend we’re about.

After someone a) breaks up with you or b)  tramples on your heart with this, “hey we weren’t exclusive right?” or c) leaves you with a , “you’re too fat to be seen with me”, there is only one response, “i will be with someone better than you.”


Some of us deny this truth by singing Someone Like You at the top of our lungs while some belt out I Will Survive relentlessly, although still trying to look back wondering if he heard us.

But the point is there, defined or not, we all wish to pay that person back by being with someone better.

In the past four years, I must admit although I am definitely not proud of it but that has been my goal.

I was brokenhearted for the first time, for real this time, by someone I wasn’t even in a relationship with (yes, I will leave you guessing which letter above is correct).

I was, well for the most part, angry and spent hours in the gym (there’s a clue for you) and started “going out”, since wasn’t that what you were supposed to do? Find Chris Evans and show him that hey you can choose someone better than him who wasn’t ashamed to tell the world that you were his.

I dare not recount those dark days.

Yes, I have remained physically pure, but not much could be said about my emotional state. I was lost in translation, wondering if this Channing Tatum look alike, even if we had nothing in common, was the answer to all my shame and humiliation.

It did not matter to me whether or not it was in God’s timing or if God wanted me to be with anyone at the moment. All I cared about was getting even.

And of course, there was that whole “who dated first?” and “who is better off?”, but in those four years, God made sure that I had none of that. All the potential relationships fell into pieces it was not even funny anymore, I would often jokingly tell my friends that God loves me too much to give me to the wrong one.

I kept asking God why. I kept questioning God as to why Channing Tatum hasn’t arrived on my doorstep yet. Why. Why. Why.

I was hurt. I have been offended more times than anyone can imagine and the only way I could heal was to have that boy trophy in my life.

Yes, it was stupidity, my wounded pride left me blinded to the truth about the One who loved me the most.

Every time a would be relationship fell apart, I went back to Jesus, but then got distracted when a good looking, could be possible in your face boy, came my way.

Whenever someone told me about God’s best, which I have memorized thanks to I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I always assumed it was Chris Evans in the flesh. I always thought that His best meant that I was vindicated ala Hilary Duff in A Cinderella Story.

What I didn’t realize was God’s best was Himself and His love.


Okay, if you’re brokenhearted at this moment and still licking your wounds, you’re probably thinking, “I can’t believe she said that. I can’t believe I read so much into her gabbing and I end with this boring thing.”

I know what you’re thinking because I was in your position. Wiser friends told me get lost in Jesus and I simply replied sarcastically in my head, “Maybe I will once I see his face shocked because I was with this person and he was just with that.”

That was how mad I was and I kept that anger in for a really long time. I was prideful and I demanded for God to go down to my level of shallowness because I thought that this was going to solve my problems.

But you know, that wouldn’t have solved my problems. Because I knew deep inside that my insecurities were not initially caused by Mr. 2008, they have been there a long time and Mr. Chris Evans Trophy Boy was not going to make that go away.

I was plagued with insecurities and felt like crying whenever a beautiful girl entered the  room because I knew in my heart that the boy I was with will see how ugly I was and leave me for her.

I was that deep seated in lies and in insecurity. I wanted to feel special and when Mr. 2008 did not give that to me, I wanted to avenge myself.

I was dealing with something that was bigger than myself, years of torment and envy could not be erased, that one afternoon I just broke down, cried and said, “Lord, I know a relationship will not heal me. You could send me the person I am meant to be with right now and I know I still wouldn’t be happy.”

Of course, I didn’t sound that profound and there were a lot of sniffles et. all and buckets of tears, but you know after that quick cry of help, I felt something lift. Like someone saying, “Finally, my child you understand.”

Now, the change didn’t happen overnight and up until recently, I still felt the feeling of revenge wanting to creep out of my system and yes, I did cry when he won the dating game and found out that he was already in a solid relationship.

I was pretty much like Tom Hansen in 500 Days of Summer. I was questioning how someone could jump from being non-committal to being extremely committed in just a matter of months.

And yet, God’s love melted all my questions away by simply saying, “I know what I am doing, let it go.” And eventually, although I still don’t know how, I did let go. I didn’t even realize that I have until a few weeks ago.

There she was standing right in front of me, the girl who was responsible of turning into someone with major commitment issues into a solid, committed guy and you know what, I just wanted to hug her.

Unlike the person I was before His love transformed me, I was just happy that they found each other and that even if it wasn’t with me, he was finally found happiness, something that I truly truly wanted for him.

And I wish the both of them the best. Really, I do.

And although days aren’t perfect and there are still days when I wonder why God just doesn’t tell me to start collecting cats and demanding Him to tell me if I was going to be alone forever, I am good and definitely better off than I was before.

I no longer cringe when I see beautiful girls and actually admire them for the beautiful creature that they are. I no longer search for Chris Pine in the crowd and have said goodbye to Dear John long ago (who is also happy on his own, but that is entirely a different story).

It continues to be a process and no days are certain, but I am telling you this right now, all it takes is a whisper, that God doesn’t need you to be perfect to be accepted by Him. He just wants you to come to Him as you are and tell Him where it hurts and you will be amazed at how He can heal you. You see God just doesn’t put a band aid on the wound (in reference to that perfect boy for revenge) but He holds your hand while He examines your heart, gets rid of what isn’t good for you (or meant for you) and mends it back together, as if it was brand new. The battle scars are there but only to remind you of His purposes, it’s funny how they no longer hurt, they are just reminders of how brave you have been.

Remember:


“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He rescues the crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18.

I cannot believe it: Britney Spears’ Hit Me Baby One More Time is a classic.


Yes kids born in the late 1980s, Britney Spears is now considered a classic. Do you remember the day when we rushed home to see this “hip and cool” dancing circle in the middle of a gym with my belly button showing video and thought we were so cool because well we weren’t dancing to Mariah Carey anymore? (Long drawn out sentence, did you catch a breath?)

Anyway, so it is safe to say that kids these days no longer spend their Sundays listening to 89.9 while writing drawn out letters to their crushes or talking on the phone with their girlfriends. These days it’s all about you know twitter, stalking celebs on twitter (a bit guilty though I’m not 14. Sorry Selena, your boyfriend getting his thaang together) and taking videos of themselves to post on youtube.

So tonight, for those of you who miss the nostalgic Sunday Slowdown, I present: THE CLASSICS.

(Footnote: These are the songs on the top of my head, I am pretty sure there will be more than one edition to Carla’s Classics! Enjoy!)


For the classic 90’s, grade school “players”, Imajin’s Always Been You is for you:







For the forever best friend, Ruff Endz’ If I Was The One:





For those of you who thought you’ll get married just because you went to Prom together, I present Drop N’ Harmony’s Because I Love You, which I dedicate to my future husband:





This one is for the Nathan Scott of my high school life just because you introduced me to this song, Say You Don’t Care Drop N’ Harmony:

And just because these songs randomly play every Sunday night:




















AND OF COURSE THIS LIST WOULDN’T BE COMPLETE WITHOUT MY ULTIMATE FAVORITE SONG:





This is VJ Carla, signing out, don’t forget to send in your requests in cute, creative ways so we can grant your request here on MTV’s Most Wanted.


Okay if you know what I meant by that line, it’s official: Welcome To The Days of “Remember When?” 

When I was 13, I gave up on magazines.

Years before the advent of social networking, I felt extremely alone in the midst of beautiful (and thin) models who were not just beautiful but smart too.

I’m sure the magazines made sure that they were “ordinary” girls and their lives was something everyone can aspire for, however, even if that was their goal, I didn’t felt that way because they were impossibly “retouched” (a term I did not even know about until I studied Advertising in College).

I rarely told my friends about giving up my favorite magazines simply because everybody worshipped magazines and nobody thought that what they were projecting made everyone else feel inferior.

However, a good thirteen years later and my heart is bursting with joy over magazines today and how kids are brave enough to voice out their issues about perfection. Thirteen years ago it would have been impossible, but today, thanks to social networking sites, kids are more vocal and they are braver than we have ever been when we were younger.

Just like in 21 Jump Street, the kids are entirely different now. Being different is applauded and although i may not be entirely sure about cliques not existing, at least more kids are open to accepting people who are different.

A fourteen year old recently stood up to a popular magazine challenging the airbrushing of celebrities and now another magazine is now encouraging “healthy” looking models. Now, women are encouraged to lose weight the healthy way and strong is now the new skinny.

Things have come a long way since I was a teenager and I am hopeful of the great things to come. That kids are now empowered through social networking to express what they really feel.

That although I understand that  it is also a way to bully kids, looks like these days, kids are using it to unite towards a common goal: making the world a better place.

So maybe that Zuckerberg guy really knows what he’s doing.

There are days when I feel worn out.

Where I want to laze longer in bed and eat ice cream instead of getting up at 5 am to run.

There are also days when I couldn’t seem to muster enough strength to pray or to even flip my Bible open.

That’s the truth. There are days when I don’t want to be optimistic anymore. I just want to be as grumpy as the world and I grow tired.

Boy am I glad that even in those days, I am loved.

Today was one of those days.

I almost bailed on a writing assignment simply because I didn’t feel like dressing up and putting on a smile on my face.

I somehow felt defeated for no particular reason and yet, something in my heart told me to whisper a silent prayer. That even if my prayers were soft, almost likened to a defeaning silence, God still heard me.

I prayed for Him to turn the day around and you know what He did. The person I interviewed, Mr. Joe Reano, enlightened me through his definition of “blessed”.

I couldn’t give much away before the article is released, but truly there are so many things to be thankful for.

These past few days, I must admit, that i once again fell into the trap of legalism. It has always been my weakness: foolishly thinking that to see more good in my life, I needed to do more.

I understand about the depth of obedience but more than anything, today I believe that it is grace that causes us to obey.

I often get it wrong: obedience then grace. My shallow thinking led me to discredit the truth about grace.

God loves me and no His faithfulness is not cancelled out when I do something wrong or don’t spend five hours praying. God’s love is unconditional and it’s okay for us to take a lifetime to understand it’s depth because no other love compares with it.

And in truth, God is not asking us to understand it, He is simply inviting us to rest in His love. And by rest He means rest in His grace as well.

That we may not be faithful 100 percent of the time, but it is okay because He is and it through His faithfulness that we are crafted to become who He wants us to be.

The own works of our hands does not accomplish this, only His love does.

So tonight as you rest, truly rest.

You’re in the center of God’s palm, all is taken care of. <3

I am the queen of awkward run-ins and I am not just saying this to be cute the way cute girls do.

I really am that– awkward. I don’t do so well during first meetings or conversations that need to be filled.

Today was not an exception.

Of course I wouldn’t dare to bore you with the details but basically today I have come across someone who didn’t offer a lady a seat simply because she was not attractive enough.

Because of this (although while completing this sentence i hear my nine year old student telling me you don’t start a sentence with “because”) I have for a minute there lost complete faith in society and quickly got lost in a train of thought that basically ended with this, “despite the rise of the new girl, wallflowers are still not welcome”

However before plunging into another tyranny (quite a favorite) I took a step back and realized that yes I may not be Kate Upton but that does not mean that I should settle for less– including in the way guys treat me.

Just because I’m a wallflower doesn’t mean I should settle for less than God’s best.

Also, i have come to realize that yes I may be awkward but I know that I am happy in my spectacles, books and awkward run-ins and nobody can take the place of sheer happiness that is not dependent on anyone else.

I love being a wallflower simply because being a wallflower means you are strong enough to do things on your own and in your own terms– something that the world is clearly lacking these days.

Yes, we may not be the most popular ones, but i dare say that the outsiders– the happy dorks– are the happiest people i know simply because they are content in who they are and not constrained or construed by society.

Yes there are days when we wonder what it feels like to to be “the queen bee” but those days are far and few between simply because wallflowers are too busy being fascinated by the small things that the beautiful ones miss.

And I say ‘beautiful’ lightly simply because in what Audrey Hepburn said, “the happiest girls are the prettiest.” and thank God that my happiness is not based on the suitors that I have , the amount of parties I go to or the size of my clothes.

It simply rests in knowing that my future is taken care of and I am loved by the One who will never turn His back on me.

And so today, I pray you relish in the beautiful person that you are and rest in the goodness of God that makes you shine from the inside.

You are beautiful and you need not change a thing to know this.

***

I end this entry with the most beautiful woman I know and the woman I aspire to be:

“Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
She is more precious than rubies.

Her husband can trust her,
and she will greatly enrich his life.

She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

She finds wool and flax
and busily spins it.

She is like a merchant’s ship,
bringing her food from afar.

She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.

She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
with her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She is energetic and strong,
a hard worker.

She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
her lamp burns late into the night.

Her hands are busy spinning thread,
her fingers twisting fiber.

She extends a helping hand to the poor
and opens her arms to the needy.

She has no fear of winter for her household,
for everyone has warm clothes.

She makes her own bedspreads.
She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.

Her husband is well known at the city gates, where he sits with the other civic leaders.

She makes belted linen garments
and sashes to sell to the merchants.

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.

She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness.

Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her: “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!”

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised.

Reward her for all she has done.
Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.”

(Proverbs 31:10-31 NLT)

When I was in third grade, I clearly remember wanting something more than anything that I have ever wanted in my entire life: a tamagotchi.

Although for the life of me, I could never understand why anyone would want a virtual pet living in the pocket of my black and white uniform that inconveniently whimpers when a teacher passes by. But still everyone said it was cool and I wanted one too.

However my parents who were on a tight budget at that time refused to give me something so wasteful and I settled for a new copy of The Baby-Sitters Club instead (now I realize it was the better option).

Come to think of it, that should have been a fair warning to my older self: there would be times that you would want things but they don’t necessarily find its way to you.

As I got older, the tamagotchi began to manifest in other ways: the star basketball player, the top of the line cellphone, the perfect body, the perfect grades, the magazine feature etc etc.

And also as I got older I have also encountered moments wherein you don’t really get the happy ending you were hoping for and although I am not proud of it, there were also times of over the top whining and crying simply because I didn’t get what I wanted and what I thought was the best for me (self pity parties included).

As much as I don’t see specific dreams come true everyday I no longer whine or whimper simply because when you truly take the time to write down the beautiful things in my life that were only once dreams, I get knock off my feet.

God has been so gracious.

And I always feel ashamed of all the tantrums that I have thrown, in the privacy of my own room– thankfully and how much God’s grace extends to me on a daily basis (I am so glad that His grace overflows or else I may have used up my share)

And so on days when I see the thing I want more than anything in the world with someone else, I no longer feel like running away or crying or indulging myself in tremendous amounts of self-pity, instead I take a deep breath and thank God for the moment when I too will have what my heart has been longing for, but until then walking hand in hand with Him is more than enough.

PS: Also, I have learned that being happy for others and seeing their dreams come true is so much better than constantly crying in my room where there is no sunlight or cheesecake.

Isn’t it such a wonderful thing to have?

That whatever the circumstance, whether you have a lot or little, you stand strong in knowing that you are okay because you have Jesus on the inside.

However in the middle of a bad hair day, a little too tight jeans and crying kids your eye scans through your Facebook/Twitter timeline and just like Angelica Pickles, your world just explodes and you shout in exasperation, “WHY DON’T I HAVE THAT KIND OF LIFE?”

You know the kind of life where your hair can just fall perfectly into place after a good shower, where your clothes all fit perfectly well, where everything you do just comes by so naturally and where you are engaged to the man of your dreams.

The kind of life that most of us could only dream of and yet there are people who are actually living your dreams without breaking a sweat.

It could be just one of those days, but in truth, these days, no matter how much we try to conceal it, do come.

And sometimes it is extra difficult to get through them especially when everything else in our lives are not going okay, but let me tell you one thing, the more you dwell on another’s perfection makes you feel worse, not better.

Truth is, none of us truly deserve the blessings that we have, that’s why they’re called as such. And second, we really don’t know the story behind the smiles and the so-called “perfection”. We don’t know the tears they cried behind close doors and the prayers they desperately prayed during times like they felt like giving up.

The thing is, when we constantly compare our lives to that of others (yes even the ones on TV), we will always fall short. We will never have enough and our lives will always pale in comparison. It is best to remember that people always put their best foot or instagram photo forward in social networking sites and we don’t know the things that they go through on a daily basis.

So the best way to avoid to get into this pickle is to take the time to close your eyes and appreciate it the things you have that you may have taken for granted– good health, a great family and great friends.

Also remember, God will not give another what is meant to be yours. 


And also, things also look better from our perspective but as they say, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. You are where you are for a purpose and you don’t even know if you would enjoy the life that they have simply because you were not made for it. God is the potter, we are the clay where He leads, we will be fulfilled.


So stop worrying. Things will be okay. 

Of course this is NOT what I look like in my sweatpants :p

I’m wearing sweats (and my sweats are dorky, not the sweats Drake described in one of his songs :p)  in the middle of April in Manila and in as much as I refuse to admit it, I will go ahead and do so: just like a kid I ate too much chocolate during my vacation, ate way too much sweets and spent way too much time under the sun and in front of the TV that my body broke down and now i’m tucked in bed knowing that tomorrow I will be my 100% self.

And yes even though I’m feeling a little bit under the weather I still refuse to admit that I am not a hundred percent okay.

You see, that’s the thing with me, there are times when I just fail to let go. My mind is constantly buzzing with ideas, daydreams and goals. I am constantly creating secret scenarios in my head and sometimes I forget to remember that I am not the one in the driver’s seat– God is.

Of course in my prayers I am focused and I know that God is in control, however, in the middle of a busy day and I catch myself in the middle of my daydream I come to realize that I have not yet fully surrendered everything to God. I am still constantly running around from one place to another– worrying like there’s no tomorrow on how to get to the places I want to go.

I also constantly ask God how specific things in my life would happen and when I look at my ginormous plans and compare it to my tiny hands, I regress. I go back to square one– often more defeated than the first time I thought of those dreams.

Just like a restless child, I was constantly asking my Father, “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” while constantly bouncing around in the car, anxiously thinking that the only way I would be satisfied is when we get there.


But in truth, I was missing the mark completely. Truth is, I don’t even know if that’s the direction I am heading, I know God’s plans and ways are far greater than our own and He doesn’t need me to constantly tell Him which direction to take and which way to go and which people to use.

God has His ways and all I have to do is simply walk in them and the only way I can stop being a control freak is by understanding that this moment, where I am now is where God wants me to be and although this maybe a pruning stage it is not less important than the day that my dreams will come true (AND WITH GOD ON YOUR SIDE, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT), every single day has a purpose and most importantly, God has a purpose as to why specific prayers are not yet being answered.

God is good. Whether or not our prayers get answered with a “yes”, “no” or “something better is on the way”, HE IS ALWAYS GOOD and we have victory in Him, as long as we are reminded of that everyday, we will not be shaken even if we are in the valley and we will always have hope knowing that God’s plans far outweighs those that we have planned for ourselves.

That being in control is tiring and draining and often takes away the energy to be who God has called us to be. We may not be supermodels or dating basketball players or living the “good life” as described by the magazines but we are who we are for a purpose. Remember if God wanted you to be any of those things, He would have made you that way.

You are who you are for a purpose and if you feel like you’ve been stuck in the same place for a really long time, don’t worry, it’s when God’s the quietest that He is preparing a big, beautiful surprise for you. So learn to lean on Him and surrender to Him in ways you have never had before.

A surrendered life is a beautiful life and also a carefree life, baggage is not necessary. And also don’t resent where you are, there are blessings, miracles and victories every single day we just have to be open to the  possibilities and not to be so stuck in the way we want things to go that we miss out on the life that God has for us.

He has great plans for you (Jeremiah 29:11) and if you let Him take control over every single area of your life you would find yourself happier and more secured.

God has you where He wants you, yes even if you’re sniffing and in you’re sweats, you are where you are for a purpose. EMBRACE IT. Good things are on the way.