It’s a word I came up with three days ago.
I just realized how deathly afraid I am of being too close to someone I may be attracted to.
Its the fear of rejection, thus the word I called it.

It’s plain crazy and its driving me totally bonkers. But its just the position that I am in now.

I’m scared all the time. Maybe, that’s the reason why whenever anyone would come tooclose, anyone who has the possibility of winning my heart, I STAY AWAY.

I hide under the, “i’m-not-ready” comment that I give people who don’t want to give up on bugging me about my lovelife, but its NOT the entire truth.

I’m just really scared of getting rejected and hurt again. THAT i’m not willing to go through again.

“You know you’re in love when you don’t want to sleep because finally reality is better than your dreams”

What I am going to tell you is going to sound REALLY CRAZY.

I have a crush. A crazy crazy crush.

This crush that I have reminds me of the crushes I used to have when I was TEN.

It’s that CRAZY.

He makes me all wiggly.

I mean, I’m 18 and I should be all mature about this. Apparently NOT.
I swear I’m gushing all over.

I’m to embarassed to even talk about it. Its plain CRAZY.

i CAN’T even explain it.

Ohwell.

1) I think this happened when I was four or five. My parents and I were walking around Megamall’s food court when I decided to show off my “next karate kid” skills to my dad. I did this by kicking while walking with the very famous, “HIYA” comments. As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, what made me stop was when I did an impressive high kick which made my right shoe land in the soup of a foreigner, who was eating nearby. Whoops.

2) My first plane ride at age four. I was announcing to the plane’s crew that I was Claudine Baretto (hey, these were the “ang tv” days). I would simply not respond to anyone who called me otherwise (yes even those who called me by my REAL name). My parents were worried that they’d be charged with kidnapping because apparently during that trip, “Carla” did not exist.

3) When I was eleven, I accompanied my baby brother to a VTR. I was so “kilig” to see my then crush, whose name I have forgotten. I was also making fun of the girl beside me who was trying to get his attention by laughing out loud. When I faced my mom to share this funny incident, she laughed out loud too. Apparently, the tissue that I used to wipe the sweat off my face was now all over my face. Yeeawh.

4) I was ten when this incident happened: I picked up my brother from his pre school dressed in my “pambahay” clothes, waited in the designated area with the other “guardians” when a yaya told me, “’Day, bago ka?” Talk about the trauma that that incident has caused!

5) This just happened recently, like a week ago. My mom and I were hanging out at the SISC PR lounge when a nursing dude comes and my mom, all innocent goes rather loudly, “IS that your crush?” Omgg mother. To begin with: NO. And thanks, now I can never face that guy again and I see him EVERDAY.

Joining the annual national marketing convention last Friday totally jolted me out of my senses. Since I don’t have any marketing or advertising subjects this term, I realized that my passion for it has been put to sleep until last Friday.

I LOVE marketing. I LOVE advertising.

Now, I know why I was given the incessant need to talk to people I don’t know and constantly think of scenarios wherein James Lafferty (there was actually a time that it was Lance Bass. Eww.) would ask me to marry him.

When I was eleven and I was convincing everyone I know that Nsync was the greatest boy band on earth by continually forcing them to watch their videos, listen to their songs and read articles about them I didn’t know that I would actually be in the field of “selling” things or people in the future. Also, my matchmaking skills may have also played an important role.

Marketing is fun. I shrink at my lack of adjectives for it. I think the Lord sent me this way for a reason and boy am I glad.

*** Thanks and congrats to the SFC PMA team. Indeed,you have placed SFC in the map. Love you and so so proud of you:)

I’m in love with Peter Pan.

The reason for it maybe because I love the idea of Neverland. Of not growing up and of not having to face the things that one actually has to deal with as you get older. The harsh realities of life.

Life gets even more shocking everday. As I was worrying about the little things in my life, my friend was going through something life altering. I feel kindda guilty about not sharing those harsh moments with her.

When I turned 18, I didn’t actually think I would be faced with such hardcore realities.
I guess I didn’t know what I was thinking.

(its been ages since I answered these things. I used to love ’em)

1. Are you excited?
– In a weird and whacked out sense: YES.
2. Have you ever been unfaithful in a relationship?
– I’ve never even been in a relationship. Tsk tsk.
3. Do you own a gun?
– Nope, what a random question.
4. If you had a mental disorder, what would it be?
– Just one. Haha. I think i’m insane. I think too much, I talk to much, I analyze things way too much. Hehe. And im so moody it annoys me.
5. How many letters are in your crush’s name?
– crush of the moment: 4:-)
6.What do you think of hotdogs?
-my hyenas would love this question. Cheesedogs are better though. haha:-)
7.What’s your favorite Christmas song?
– “I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Underneath the mistletoe..” well you get the point.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
– milo made by my mom. I sweaarr she makes the best milo drink-ever. Its like magic, it seriously wakes me up.
9. Do you do push-ups?
-nah. Haha.
10. Have you ever done ecstasy?
– NOOOO!!
11. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
– yeah, he’s name’s barney:)
12. Do you like the rain?
-when I’m at home yes. But if you have to be somewhere, it just gets in the way. haha
13.Do you own a knife?
– no, why are you so violent?? sheesh.
14. How do you smell like?
– I don’t like telling people the scent I use. haha:)
15. Do you have A.D.H.D.?
-most of the time.
16. Full initials?
– CBVR
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
– *worried look on face* FINALS IN LESS THAN A MONTH!!!!
– my colds that just wouldn’t go away.
– the law paper that I actually have to do.

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought today.
-coffee. Its only 10 am but count on it tha I will consume more than three today.

19. Name five drinks you regularly drink, inorder most to least.
– COFFEE.
-special coffee from SELECT. I love that coffee! Hmmm…
-water
-dalandan juice<3
-did i say coffee? haha
20. What time did you wake up today?
– 5:20. Erggg.
21. Can you spell?
-fairly well. haha
22. Current worry?
– FINALS. FINALS. FINALS.
23.Current hate?
– zilch.
24. Favorite place to be?
– my room. starbucks. libararies with huge collections of random books. araneta. I MISS IT!!
25. Least favorite place to be?
– come to think of it- none. haha. i am sucha dork. okay, smelly bathrooms.
26. Where would you like to go?
– NOW? The mall, I want to watch a movie or starbucks, haven’t been there in ages!
27. Do you own slippers?
-yeahuh.
28. Where do you think you’ll be in 10 yrs?
– I don’t know yet, but I’m sure I’ll be happy:)
29. Do you burn or tan?
-I’m scared of the sun. Haha:)
30. Yellow or blue?
– Yellow.
31. Would you be a pirate?
-why not? haha:)
33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
-right now? Sexy back by Justin and London Bridge by Fergie. Love it!

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
– boogeyman or a freaky white lady that would get me in my sleep. Riigghht. Haha

35. What’s in your pockets right now?
– nothing, I hardly make use of them. Haha.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
-my friends and I have been laughing the whole morning so I kindda forgot what was the last one.
37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
– BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. Whoot Whoot!!:)

39. What are you wearing ryt now?
– school uniform. haha;)

41. Who is your loudest friends?
-we’re all loud. haha:)
42. Who is your most silent friend?
-jelly?? haha:)
43. Does someone have a crush on you
-who cares?
44. Do you wish on stars?
– yeah.
45. What is your favorite book?
– memoirs of a geisha. God is in the small stuff. When God writes your love story. The Solitaire Mystery. Hypocrite in a pouffy white dress. Tuesdays with Morrie. The alchemist.
47. Who is your crush?
– 🙂
48. Song that you want to play in your funeral?
-how morbid. I don’t know yet. haha.
49.what were you doing last 12am?
-sleeping
50. What was the first thing you thought ofwhen you woke up?
– “I AM THE ONE” haha

Life can be so ironic.

There’s this one week wherein everything’s going your way and pfft, the next week, you just wonder where your good luck went or why it ran out. Its ironic, but that’s the cycle of life, who can argue with that right?

I’ve been doing just that MY ENTIRE LIFE. I’ve been arguing with it, trying to resist it and trying to find someone to blame for it. I should’ve known better that it simply doesn’t work that way.

I’ve been reading this book called, “Get over it and on with it” Its a very good book and very enlightening. It teaches us how to deal with the roadblocks that life throws your way everyday, no matter how major or how minor.

The thing with me is this: its the SMALL THINGS THAT FREAK ME OUT.

Those little things that shouldn’t really annoy anyone annoy me. Weird right?

The big things I could let go of, but NOT the little ones. Its something that I should learn to get over. Its unfair and a total waste of time.

I’m learning to deal with it though. I’m dealing with it by couting to ten before I burst into angered flames. It usually works. Like 8 out of 10.

So, I guess, there’s more to life than these crazed things I get myself into.

I was, as usual, listening to my current favorite radio trio: mo, miles and andi 9 when I heard one of the most shocking news I have ever heard in my life: LANCE BASS IS GAY. It isn’t enough that Justin Timberlake is a drug addict. Lance Bass has to be gay too. Just for the record, I was in love with Lance Bass eversince I was in sixth grade. The news totally blew me off and I am upset all over. And get this: HE’S IN A STABLE RELATIONSHIP WITH A GUY FROM A REALITY SHOW. And I was worried that I would lose him to Beverly Something of 7th heaven. And yet, I lose him to a GUY. Nothing against gays here ( i love gay people) BUT come on LANCE AND I WERE SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED five years from now!!!

This makes me realize just how grown up I’ve become and how much the world has changed with me. Before, the sight of a new NSYNC video would drive me bonkers, now I think it would just make me relieve the old times. Its crazy to think that five years ago, I was so into thinking that they were the epitome of the perfect guys. I even found a letter from to me that asks me to promise that even if Nsync isn’t “hot” anymore, I would still be into them. Crazy, I know. BUT somehow, for years, that took up most of my daydreaming sessions. Lance would simply sweep me off my feet and take me away. And justin would be married to katie holmes and jc chasez would be engaged to Jennifer Love Hewitt. Yeah, things were easier back then. I was doused into my own dreamland.

I guess reality really has its way of catching up with you. And although I haven’t really thought of Nsync until Justin’s “Sexy back” (i LOVE that song) its kinda sad to actually look back and realize that if this news came out five years ago, an eleven year old me would really really be disappointed.

“What the heck would be the purpose of my blog if I don’t say what I feel. As in what I REALLY feel? Its like sugarcoating my world and trying to present it as perfect. That sucks”

I just thought of that statment right now. I don’t know its weird huh? I mean most of my dear friends who are kind enough to read my blog say that I’m opinionated enough but I think there’s still a part of me that I’m too afraid to share with people. But today, somehow I feel more liberated and I just want to LET IT ALL OUT.

I don’t know what’s with me, but bear with me, will you?

1) I THINK I TALK TOO MUCH.
I just started thinking of it today, like two seconds ago. I don’t think its funny that I can go on and on for like five minutes without stopping. What’s funnier is this: I don’t even know what I’m ranting about I just go go go. I think it annoys the people around me, especially if I’m hyper. That’s when I go on and on and on and on. I think its sickens the people around me. BUT that’s just the way I am. I mean you should worry if I’m not yakking the entire afternoon away. That means something is up. As in something major. Like nathan getting cut from one tree hill. You know drastic things.

2) I FEAR THAT PEOPLE JUDGE ME TOO SOON.
And this is attributed to my smart ass mouth. I think it annoys people that don’t know me. People judge me based on my crazy opinions about life and everything else. AND get this: Just because I say my comments about how someone talks, looks and other whatnots it doesn’t mean I hate them. I just love throwing off comments but I am totally working on shutting up about certain things. And as my friends say, I may look and sound maldita but I AM NOT. I think I don’t treat people in a bitchy way. I DON’T DO THAT UNLESS YOU DO IT TO ME FIRST. But I’m working on that too. Its just too freakin difficult to be MAD AND SULLEN all the time. I think i’m getting to that point in my attitude wherein I JUST DON’T CARE. IF YOU HATE ME, FINE, IF YOU DON’T FINE. I think that’s the only way to go about life. I can’t please people but if they judge just because of who I am on the outside, then they have another think coming.

3) MY LIFE IS WAY TOO BORING.
There’s nothing going on in my life right now. Except for the upcoming finals and the service hours I have to do (can you say “uhoh?”) Nothing major’s happening. Not that I’m complaining, I love the life of no complications-for once. My life is peaceful for once and I don’t think I’m going to come up with my own drama just to mess up the peace. I don’t think I’ll be doing that for awhile.

4) YES, I DID CHANGE BUT NOT FOR THE WORSE
-self explanatory.

5) I AM LOVIN JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE’S “SEXY BACK” AND RIHANNA’S “UNFAITHFUL”
-Justin’s a drug addict. How unmousketter like is that?
6) GREY’S ANATOMY IS THE NEW ONE TREE HILL
-Or maybe not. Now that tree hill season is over for me, grey’s anatomy is quickly catching up. Its so fun. I want to be the doctor, only I cannot stand the sight of blood or anything popping up where its not supposed to. Eww. Forget it. Patrick Dempsey’s hot though. hehe. I still have to catch up on the oc. Gone were the days that I didn’t even miss an episode. Now i’m like a season behind.

7) I WAS ABLE TO SIT THROUGH LAST MONDAY’S SONA
– I had my comments the whole way through that my dad had to hush me up because he couldn’t hear gloria anymore.

Haha. What would life be without my comments, I ask?

NOTHING ABOUT MY LOVELIFE. I DON’T THINK I HAVE ANYTHING SIGNIFICANT TO SHARE JUST YET. HAHA