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Enough




“I wanted to be deserving of him.*”

Sundays, for me, consist of going to church, eating lunch with the family, and mindlessly flipping through local television while lazing around in my favorite boxer shorts. It was during this relaxed Sunday routine that I came across a local show interviewing one of the country’s most beautiful faces.

It was her mouth that spewed said sentence above and for a minute there, even if I’ve never met her or even shared a conversation with her, my heart broke. In my mind, something was not right in the world. How could such a beautiful girl (seriously, how many women would kill to have her face) be trapped into thinking that she isn’t worthy?

And then I realized, my heart broke because at one point or another, we have been her. I wish I could count the times women have uttered the same sentiments while looking at their reflections. Most of the most broken women I have encountered are also the most beautiful: size zeroes with shining hair and the latest designer bag draped on their arms. Behind the image of perfection, they are constantly looking over their shoulder, wondering if they would be replaced by yet again another Barbie like creature.

My dad once told me in the middle of my many monologues about not being beautiful enough for the most famous jock (in school or in life, you decide) that if beauty was the only basis, Prince Charles wouldn’t have cheated on Diana.

Time and time again, we have encountered women who have been cheated on and women who have been deemed to be not worthy. These women, in the search for a prince and for a love that will last forever, work day and night to make themselves worthy. They diet, they run, they lift weights, they juice, they highlight their hair, they squeeze into bikini bottoms, and most importantly, they lose their sense of selves in the hopes that finally, one day, they will be worthy to be loved by their own version of prince charming.

I know how that feels. I know how it feels to not feel good enough. I know how it feels to not be chosen. If anything, my life’s choices in this area so far have reflected that. I have always been the one not chosen. And the effects of it can be quite demoralising for any women. For a regular woman like me, it’s understandable, but for a magazine cover beauty like the one whose interview I just witnessed, the results were devastating.

And then I realised, it has absolutely nothing to do with how I look, how I speak, or what I joke about. Having a guy “choose me” is not a privilege nor is it a requirement to live a fabulous life. A quote being passed around on Pinterest said, “Anytime you have to prove your worth is the time you have to walk away.”

But impressionable youngsters don’t quite get this. In order for someone else to know your worth, you have to know it yourself. The abused “we accept the love we think we deserve” quote from Perks of Being a Wallflower rings true. When we allow someone to treat us badly, that is what happens.

I used to think that being worthy has everything to do with how I look, my “achievements”, and how I fare against the other “tributes”.

But in truth, it has nothing to do with that. Cheesy as it may seem, the beginning of healthy relationships with others means fully accepting with who I am. By being happy on my own, I have come to realise that I function better in other relationships, most importantly the ones that matter.

I’m not perfect, I still have my moments – this weekend have proven that. However, unlike before, I no longer allow myself to wallow in self-pity. I may not be the beauty queen that is expected to be with him, but I am me. And I am proud to say that even though I can be quirky and weird, I can also be kind, encouraging, and hella funny (okay, that’s probably just me). I’m not a liability and most importantly, one can be assured that I would stay loyal in both the high times and the low times. 

Know that you are worthy as you are. If there’s one thing I could tell girls everywhere it’s this, “you have nothing to prove, it’s not your job to keep him interested or to prove you’re worthy. you have something to give, and most importantly, you are beautiful as you are and one day, without even trying, someone will make you feel that way.” 

So enough with this nonsense that you are not deserving because YOU ARE, period.

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The “Jesus” Factor

I initially started this blog entry this morning but discontinued it because a) I was too mad to think things through and b) I didn’t think it was worthy to be written about.

Well, before I begin, let me just say that I don’t like confrontations. As much as possible, I let another person talk while I nod my head, not in agreement but to keep the peace. Also, as much as I can, I don’t confront people about things  — something I am still working on because I believe that arguments are healthy as long as they are done in a peaceful manner. Without saying much about the parties involved, I got into an argument with someone over something that was deeply personal to me – my family. You see, you can fool me all you want but once done against my family, my inner Katy Perry comes out.

Safe to say that it wasn’t pretty and I often let negative comments slides, especially since I believe that none of those comments matter that much, but this person decided to attack me on my faith. Without it being necessary, the person gave me the “aren’t you a churchgoer?” shade (yes, thanks BuzzFeed, I now know what that means) and of all insults, that one hurts the most.

As if me serving Jesus and lifting up His name has anything to do with my behaviour. While I am not proud that I allowed the person to get the best of me, I don’t regret standing up for someone that I love. What irked me was that that person had to bring the “faith” issue into light. It irked me because how many times has society done that? People go to church to seek healing and go to Jesus to heal from what the world has done completely. 

Talking about faith, the love of Jesus, how it has transformed us, and how beautiful collective worship has nothing to do with me or my behaviour. In fact, the reason why I run to Jesus for my daily dose of grace is because everyday I am well aware of my own shortcomings and well aware that without Him, I will revert back to my insecure ways. That while I know Jesus doesn’t approve of me hurting another person, in Him, I am constantly being a better version of who I was.

Looking back at the situation hours later, I admit that there are things that I could have done better, but I know that what I have done this morning did not lessen God’s love for me. You see, nothing I have done have caused Jesus to save me, so nothing that I am going to do will take away what He gave me out of love and as a gift.

If everyone who went to Jesus were perfect, there will be nobody left to save. Jesus came simply because we can’t on our own — that is the truth. That no matter how much I try to be good, how much I try to be kind, I will never ever measure up to the perfect God. 

This is why I need a Savior and this is why I humbly say that despite my love for Jesus, I am still human and I still make mistakes. I will never stop making mistakes just because I go to church, in fact I go to church, read my Bible, and listen to Judah Smith and other preachers in order to at least make less of them.

The whole “you’re a Christian” defense during arguments is the most painful one can throw at another simply because for most of us Jesus is the only way for us to change, it also shows that one doesn’t understand the fullness of what God has done. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t be saved, but thank God because He sent Jesus.

I think the time of bashing people simply because of what they believe must stop. We’re all equals, we have all done things that are uncalled for, and for most of us, we have repented for them. To simply put, no matter where we are on the sinner level, we’re all the same – sinners saved by grace.

As I write this, it would be easy to continue to get mad at the person, especially after all she has done. But what would be the point? Jesus doesn’t hold me to a standard of perfection, so why must I hold human beings into ridiculously impossible standards? I have erred in trying to make a point when I should have just let it go, I have asked for forgiveness and ready to move on only with the lessons. 

So I don’t understand truly the point of this blog entry, but the next time you fight with someone or argue with someone, leave Jesus out of it, because sometimes, for that person Jesus is the only reason to move forward with hope. 🙂

“Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”  – 2 Corinthians 12:9

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The Tax of the Matter

Among the least topics that cross a youth’s mind is the country’s tax issue.

Things, however, are about to change for the younger generation as the impressionable Sen. Sonny Angara guns for a change in the tax system of the country.

Just on his first term, Angara has already been lauded from voters of all ages for his courage in talking about topics that used to be taboo, including the much-needed reform in the tax system of the country.

The senator, who was kind enough to give some of his time to a young writer, commented, “Our Constitution says that our tax system should be progressive—that is the rate it imposes on a person should be based on a person’s ability to pay. That is why our tax system is divided into income brackets: the higher your income, the higher your tax rate.”

The idea, just like anything else, is wonderful on paper. But the senator points out that the last time the tax code was amended was in 1997. And since then prices have increased, and the cost-of-living has roughly doubled. For example, an annual income of P500,000 today buys far less than what the same income could in 1997.

“As a result, many in the middle class—like yuppies—are squeezed tight for taxes from their incomes. And while income brackets remain unchanged, people who should really be paying less tax are forced to pay more because they are pushed to higher brackets,” he noted.

For someone who deals with only basic accounting, taxes never made much sense until now. Now, I’m beginning to understand why my pay increases were not doing much for me.

The senator continued to point out that the “Philippines has among the highest tax rates in the Asean.” Here, a taxable annual income of above P500,00 is taxed the highest, 32 percent as compared to 10 percent in Thailand, 11 percent in Malaysia, and 20 percent in Vietnam.

And the young Angara also believes that this is one factor why many Filipinos choose to migrate.

Asked how this affects the young people, the personable senator replied, “Under the current system, a mid-level manager with gross income of P60,000 is taxed at the highest 32 percent, which is the same rate imposed on the CEO of the company the mid-level manager works for. Such situations underline just how unfair our tax system can be—making it important that we update, reform and transform it.

“We need tax reforms because the current system imposes too much of a burden on Filipinos and their families, while letting those at the top of the pack continue their trek forward. We need to lower income taxes now because all too easily does the current system dash the hopes and dreams of our young upstarts.”

For him, the solution lies in Senate Bill 2149 (SB 2149), which he is working day and night to pass. Broadly, SB 2149 can lower the tax burden of each taxpayer. This could not only increase take-home pay, it also allows citizens to have more choices in spending.

He emphasized, “We want to do this by adjusting tax rates and tax brackets. For instance, under our measure, we want to lower the highest tax imposed of 32 percent to 25 percent by 2017.”

Fortunately, if passed, young professionals will also benefit. Instead of burdening them with paying such unfair taxes, they will be encouraged and empowered by the government to build their future.

Indeed, Angara’s passion is undeniable and inspiring. Asked why he doesn’t become jaded despite the many things the government has and hasn’t done, he explained, “The government is actually a very big institution, representing different sectors and employing people of varying walks of life. Whatever it is that we see, hear or read in the news sometimes misrepresents government as a whole.”

More importantly, a change in perspective is the only thing that one needs to believe in the government again. That instead of the corruption of top officials, Filipinos must recognize rank-and-file government employees who work tirelessly.

They are “public school teachers who go the ‘extra mile’ every day for their students; policemen and soldiers who are not feared but appreciated by the communities they protect; or managers and administrators who spend long office hours just to provide the best public service their agencies can offer,” he described.

He added, “The untiring service these people render is what I hope more of the younger generation gets to hear about and understand.

He ended, “Government is only as good as the trust reposed in it, which is why we in government must do what we can to earn the trust and confidence of the people we serve.”

With senators like him, young ones like us finally feel that we are getting our money’s worth. He also fuels us to believe that yes, a better tomorrow is possible and not just a passing dream.

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Tuesday People

Writing, as of late, is something that i do 24/7. There’s writing for my PR work, writing for my column, and other gigs I’ve picked up over the years. When I see how far I’ve come from the Pocahontas diary slugging seven year old that I was, I always whisper a thanks because never did I imagine that God would bless me with a job that I love with a different kind of zeal. 

This, however, is the reason why I don’t write on this blog as much as I used to. 
However tonight, with my heart full, I just felt like writing with no sole purpose. There’s no brand to promote, no topic to stick to, and no deadline to meet. It’s like swimming for hours under the summer sun, blissfully enjoying it because you knew there would be no bedtime to catch up with or homework to do. 
Today, I decided to put down the Stephen King novel I have been reading for awhile in order to dive into an old classic – Tuesdays with Morrie. I was a sophomore in highschool when I first came across this wonderful piece of literature. I was a sullen, non-conformist soon to be sixteen year old and words always resounded with me. Before being introduced to Morrie, I was already a vivacious reader but Morrie’s story through the brilliant storytelling of Mitch Albom resonated with me. 
I clung to my borrowed copy of Tuesdays with Morrie for days, writing down notes, and putting them on my blog as a way to describe myself and what I believed in – love, compassion, and kindness. 
Recently, I have been wondering where I picked up my desire to be good even when I was struggling with my own inner demons, and what inspired my sunny disposition no matter what life brought. 
Rereading the tale of Morrie reminded me of where I picked it up from- that book. It reminded me of the joy and hope that fueled in me when I read that book at sixteen, Morrie’s words promised me of a brighter future- one that I barely saw in the din halls of my highschool. 
And reading this now, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed at how much this book impacted me and how it got me going. It reminded me of what it made me value at a young age and how powerful words can truly be. 
It also made my heart glow with gratitude because it reminded me of how far I have come from that insecure girl who bravely believed in a better future simply because of the words of a man she has never met. It has also reminded me of what mattered most in life, and despite the many times I’ve devoured that book, it has also taught me a new lesson: to let love in because love is the only rational act. 
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A Return to Love

“Our capacity for brilliance is equal to our capacity to forget the past. The only meaning of anything in the past is that it got us here, and should be honored as such. Give the past to Him Who can change your mind about it for you.”—Marianne Williamson

IF you’re a day over 21, you may have, at one point, found the need to forgive someone and “forget” something horrible done to you in the past. If you’re a human being with real and raw emotions, this may not be the easiest thing to do. The world, in all its glory, is filled with hurt people who are hiding behind the pretense that everything is OK.

When I was younger, I naively thought that menacing people woke up with one mission in mind and that was to “to hurt and conquer.”

However, as you grow older, you are faced with two shocking truths: a) they probably didn’t know they were hurting you and b) you may have also been the evil one unknowingly.

Dealing with our past can be difficult, most especially if we have been cheated out of something that we think was supposed to be for us but once we understand that the people involved were probably doing the best that they can with what they had at that time, we’d sleep better at night.

We’re not quick to point out this truth because our narcissistic selves refuse to believe that it absolutely had nothing to do with us.

The outcome would have been the same even if we tried harder, dressed differently, or even looked better. That person would have been the same either way because that person has issues that have nothing to do with us.

Trying to understand the past is also a futile waste of time simply because there’s nothing that can be done about it. We’ve been hurt and have hurt others as well, and the only way to go through life is not constantly seeking revenge by showing off a better life, but truly letting the hurt go and wishing the person well.

And while it’s not easy, it is possible, with just the right amount of maturity and belief that nothing escapes God’s eye, and everything that happens in our lives has a purpose and one day, we’ll look back at those events and be grateful for them because those things that hurt us ultimately made us better, but only if we allow it to.

And to end, this article is dedicated to my baby brother who is turning 21 tomorrow, you have always taught me to be strong, to forgive, and most importantly to always rise above. I can’t wait to see your dreams come true and for it to inspire a million others, happy, happy birthday!

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Money Mistakes and How to Avoid Them

WHEN you have lunch with a young and impressionable group of yuppies, you can expect to talk about everything and anything under the sun. The latest Hollywood break up or hook up, sports, the latest places to be, low budget air fares, and even a hint of politics. But there’s one thing you’re sure not to discuss: money.

Money as a topic, even to those who are way beyond the yuppie category, can be quite intimidating. Early on, we’ve been taught it’s taboo to discuss it so we veer away from doing so. However, as yuppies transform into young parents and/or independent thirty-somethings, the lack of knowledge in handling finances can be quite crippling.

Thankfully, there are people whose main purpose in life is to spread financial knowledge. One of these people is registered planner and personal financial consultant, Marvin Germo.

An author, speaker, stock market trader, analyst and investor, and a BPI Trade Ambassador, Marvin’s personal goal in life is to educate the Filipino people when it comes to handling their finances. As a young professional, Marvin has helped establish many lives by first pointing out the common money mistakes young people commit and helping them correct those mistakes.

Immediate gratification. Today’s generation get a high from living in the now. But while it may feel like the right thing to do, it can be damaging to one’s finances. Marvin says, “Often, we want to ‘buy it now’ even if we don’t have the budget for it. This is often the beginning of the accumulation of credit card debt.”

High disregard for the time value of money. Marvin says most young people don’t understand that the best time to invest is while you are still young and preferably under 30. “The best time to invest is when you’re still young and still have a lot of years ahead of you.”

Prioritize wants more than needs. Another common mistake is prioritizing wants above needs. More people are inclined to buy gadgets, branded and luxurious items without considering saving and investing for the future.

Get into new businesses / investments rather aggressively, and without preparation. Marvin points out that there is also a group of young people who are keen to invest and make their money grow. While their intentions are admirable, this group often falls into the trap of wanting to earn a quick buck, which can potentially harm their finances. “When it comes to investing and growing your money, there are no shortcuts. Studying your investments carefully is a good way to go about it.”

And while managing finances can be quite intimidating, especially for carefree, young individuals who don’t think much about the future yet, Marvin says changes don’t have to be big.

“It all begins with managing your priorities and understanding that the money you have today can also be used in the future. When you prioritize what you want early on, you can easily build the future you want.”

As in all things, begin with small steps—like foregoing expensive coffees in every morning, and saving the money instead.

Prioritizing also doesn’t mean giving up luxury but choosing ones that you really want and can actually afford. By understanding this concept, money should no longer be the elephant in the room that no one talks about.

* * *

For more information about Marvin Germo’s seminars, books, and whatnot, do visit marvingermo.com.

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Mommy in the City

I am proud to say that a stay at home mom raised me. My mom, who has enough charisma and street smarts to run for office gave up her then job at a reputable bank and John Robert Powers to raise my brother and I. And when I say raise, I don’t mean giving orders while sitting pretty all day. My mom, who early on, didn’t believe in household help, did everything herself and eventually taught us the power of chores and looking after ourselves at an early age. Growing up, I thought that was the norm and didn’t realize that my mom gave up a bright and glittering career in order to be there for my brother and I 24/7.
I didn’t fully understand what she gave up until I became a “career” woman of my own. And while my Facebook feed is glittered with news of engagement and mommyhood from high school friends, I never quite found the obsessive need to have a ring on my finger or a tot on my arm. At this point in my life (and yes, I do believe my thinking will change in 20 or 30 years) I can’t imagine giving up this life of freedom for something more subdued. But people who have done it seem happy that they did and looking at my mom and how she shines brightly when talking about her greatest treasures, I can’t help but realize that hey, there are many twenty somethings who have veered away from an entirely different path.
One of them is my former journalism teacher in high school, Mico Dimanlig – Sadorra. Before settling down and taking on her new role as a full-time mommy and wife, she was a busy career girl earning her Master’s Degree in Language Education from the University of the Philippines while educating young minds for about five years. She had a one-track mind towards success but priorities changed when she married Bryan Sadorra and gave birth to Risen, who she considers a miracle baby, “Motherhood is a miracle for me. An OB told me before that I will never get pregnant so when Risen came, my husband and I were really surprised. This is one of the reasons on why we decided that I become a stay-at-home mom. We saw how important it is to have a parent at home.”
When asked if she had difficulty leaving her previous life she was quick to say, “Yes, there were a lot of changes but I didn’t consider them as challenges but as merely adjustments. I think I see it this way because I married a little late. The time I had myself when I was single was pretty long so I had the opportunity to be adventurous, spontaneous, and free. I truly lived the life of a single woman.” She also credits her supportive husband in making the transition easy for her, “I love my life now. This is how I prayed for it to be (maybe even better). I miss the classroom, yes, but being able to raise a boy is such a joy.”
With motherhood, she said it was all about timing and enjoying the seasons of life. She also highlighted the importance of her “me” moments like still giving online English classes, meeting up with old friends, and date nights with her husband.
It was a surprisingly look at a life that was away from boardrooms, deadlines, and the steep ladder of corporate success yet it looked like a full vibrant life that was dictated by a title or a number. Mico’s choice and her happiness in doing so reflected why mom chose to give up propelling her own career in order to make room for ours.
My mom’s own personal sacrifice is the foundation of every article I write, every title I posses, and every success, whether big or small, I experience and because of that I dedicate this article to her and all the stay at home moms everywhere, you may not hear it often, but the world is a better place because of what you all have given up.

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Okay? Okay.

I just ended my night with The Fault in Our Stars and while the book impacted me, it’s safe to say that the movie basically ruined me. With tears still fresh in my eyes, I can’t help but be grateful for what is in my life, and also grateful for what isn’t.

Right before immersing myself in the land of Gus and Hazel Grace, I was thinking of writing a blog entry about life’s what ifs. You know, the could have beens, the might have beens, and there sure are a lot of them. They can range from becoming as small as turning right instead of left or as life-changing as praying for someone, asking for a sign, and getting it.
And while I used to be big on thinking of those what ifs, today, while in the loo, I have come to realise that I wouldn’t trade where I am today and the journey that got me to where I am for any “what if” scenarios in my head. The journey, just like everything else in life, wasn’t in any way, easy, but today I look back at it fondly simply because it brought me to where I am today.
And as I look at my life, with both its beautiful and missing parts, and I find myself thankful, I find myself complete. I find myself anchored to the One who will never leave me, and I find myself excited for what’s to come. But for now, I simply bask in the moment of being loved (as Gus said, it’s not about being loved widely, but deeply) and at the same time, also bask in the God given wisdom to enjoy today for what it is, and not for what I long for it to be.
Those days will come but for tonight, I will just be.
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Unmasked

“You have a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul. Whatever God promises, He will always deliver on.” – Judah Smith 

It is safe to say that I was raised in the walls of the modern day Christian church. I have been schooled in Sunday school for as long as I can remember and I have known that “Jesus loves me” even before I can talk. Growing up, I knew that Jesus loved me and was able to invite Jesus into my heart early on. I knew the mechanics of the Christian life, all the religious shenanigans, and the long to-do list of what I should do, who I should date (and when), and what was acceptable. In my young, impressionable mind, I thought being a Christian meant doing certain things on my own in order to be good enough, to be worthy enough.

The journey became a personal one for me in 2010 and the archive of my blog from that time reflects that of a young woman searching for life’s true meaning, of a core that cannot be shaken no matter what. Naively, part of drawing myself closer to God at that time was out of a desire to have a better life and to ultimately become a better person. It was a time of intense struggle, looking good on the outside and doing all the right things, but slowly deteriorating on the inside. My then prayers evolved from shallow to deep, involving both meaningless and life changing requests that were answered (rather graciously). I thought I was finally getting my act together.

You see, and if you haven’t picked it up, I was very big on “me” until this year — the year that shook me to the core and made me see myself, my selfish ways, and what I believed in an entirely different way.

Without boring you with the details, I’ve always fought my way through life with this mentality, “I have to be worthy enough” and without having to point fingers or go through the rather tiresome details, I was a tough woman on the outside but a frail little girl who lacked self-esteem on the inside. I worked hard to earn my place and when it came to my waterloo, relationships, I dieted, changed my hair color and appeared perfect in order to be liked and most importantly, to be the chosen one. Since my entire being was saturated in what others thought of me and whether or not I was the better one or I was worthy enough, I had a lot of anger, disappointment, and self-hatred that was on the inside. I was looking for stability, and for  someone who called herself a “Jesus follower”, there were a lot of things that weren’t in place, and most importantly, I wasn’t at peace.

On the outside, it appeared as if I had it all together – I had a job that I was finally passionate about, had my own column and even things with my family were good – there were titles thrown around and prestige, but somehow I was hollow. At fist, I credited it over two failed, unrequited crushes that took over my being (somehow, not being good enough was still at the core of who I was) but I knew that there was something more.

First off, I have come to realise that I loved playing the victim. Whenever it came to failed would be relationships, unrequited crushes, and broken hearts, I was never at fault. I never once thought to myself that I only assumed friendly gestures to be something else. I was too prideful to admit that maybe, just maybe, the spark wasn’t there and sometimes the success of a relationship had nothing to do with looks (something I thought I vaguely lacked) but chemistry and / or timing. I also thought that the universe was constantly working against me without realising that my universe was limited only to me and others were busy with their own. I always thought it was about me and how the world was responding to me without realising that life is just like that — a mix bag of good and bad.

Second, I have come to realise that there has got to be more than this, that life was more than just one accolade after another. That it was more than just losing weight or that ridiculously yet rather gorgeous purse, and Instagram likes. For a minute, I got lost in it. Wasn’t this the “amazing” life the world promise and I long longed for? And if so, why was I more disappointed than ever? Being involved with extremely high profile men (by involve, i mean texting lol) made me question my worth and instead of enjoying the attention, I daily fought my way through my own wave of insecurities, constantly asking myself was this going to last? What if a new, prettier girl came along? Where will my worth be found then?

These questions haunted me daily. And suddenly, I was losing grip of the “faith” I once believed in. I nearly drove myself into depression wondering why God wasn’t answering my prayers and yet for others, the answer came so quickly.

I found myself questioning everything I believed in and most importantly, questioned why I was doing the things I was doing. An honest to goodness conversation with a trusted mentor shook me to my core. I saw myself for who I really am: someone who was always competitive, someone who judged others too quickly, and someone who thought she was never good enough. I then questioned my core beliefs — was I doing the things I did because I wanted to get the answer to my prayers or doing it to put on a show? Did I want to “deserve” something?

That’s when it hit me – I was in church, I was listening to podcasts, I was reading books and the Bible but I never embedded the truth of who Jesus is in my heart. Because if I, even just for a day, believed the truth about grace, I wouldn’t for a second, be fearful, depressed or dangerously insecure.

I wouldn’t see life as a competition because I knew I was taken care of and most importantly, I would stop basing my worth on the things of the world because I knew who was the only one who could satisfy my soul.

Ironically, gaining everything was what drove me to search for Jesus, the real Jesus. He was more than just a bumper sticker or a Sunday message, Jesus loved me. The kind of love that I long hoped for: the endless, forever kind of love that loved me even when I was in the dark. And while I still desire to meet a Tim Tebow / Jeremy Lin of my own, I know my future husband (seriously though, where are you?) could never satisfy the way Jesus was.

By truly experiencing Jesus in a real way, not in a “I go to church, I raise my hands in church” kind of way, I found a better understanding of who I was. I was no longer trying to deserve God’s grace or his blessings, He gave them to me because He loved me, that’s it.

And while I still work to achieve certain things, and while I still hope that one day my story would no longer end in heartbreak, I wake up with peace in the morning and for someone who has experienced so much fear and doubt, this was such a welcoming change.

A peace knowing that I am okay, I am loved, I am taken care of, and for once in my life, I no longer have to prove myself worthy because in the eyes of Jesus, I am already.

“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” – 2 Corinthians 5:17