I used to have a hard time searching for happiness simply because I thought I needed a lot of things before I found a certain level of satisfaction.

These days, I manage to be happy about the smallest things: lunch with my friends, a surprise pasta from one of them and a good laugh about something as simple as a mispronounced word. I’ve found joy in the little things but the feeling of getting something you wanted for such a long time is incredible but not disappointing when you don’t get it because believing that something better is in store becomes a habit.

I got an answered prayer today right smack in the middle of Mother’s Day. It was simply wonderful, I waited for it for a long time

I also felt something I haven’t felt in a year and all I can say is that “ang sarap ng feeling”. 🙂 God’s timing is always perfect, always. 🙂

I got rejected today and no it has nothing to do with my heart.

I wanted this particular job and no thanks to this nasty recession, it didn’t happen.

I’m not devastated, just a little sad. I really really wanted it, more than anything, I really wanted it.

So here I am back to square one–which to say at the very least, sucks.

I’m lost but I’m not bawling (Thank God, I got over that!) but there’s a hole in my chest and I just really want to get over it.

You know what’s funny? My optimism has gotten the best of me, I no longer cry like I used to and although my heart did break a little, I’m still doing okay (alright, you got me, I did eat on piece of chocnut to make me feel better :P).

I know despite how hurtful this situation, there’s still a reason why I’m still here in this job.

Oh wow, rejection in any form just really hurts.

I hope tomorrow, things get better.

I have indeed grown up. I used to be the seventeen year old who would rattle on and on about important topics as if I had something to prove to people.

I constantly needed assurance that I was smart and that I was something special. I’m no hypocrite, I still get that way sometimes but i’ve learned to be comfortable in my own skin and this whole thing about proving yourself is pretty worthless to me. At this point i’m happy with who I am and what I have. So for those insecure seventeen year olds out there, it does get better, trust me.

I didn’t just love you once, I still love you everyday.

I see all the bad things in you and yet I accept you anyway.

The world could stop but one thing remains, you never loved me the way I loved you and that little fact would always pierce through me, like an annoying echo.

I’m so over this little drama of ours, but it keeps coming back. In reality, I’m a little annoyed at the people who constantly tell us that we have to be together. It’s this constant pressure that won’t go away and it’s killing me because it’s as if I’m left without a choice. Like if I don’t be with you, my life’s ruined forever.

I don’t like who I am when you’re around. I don’t like the insecure person I become, so why can I escape you?

Probably because everyone keeps telling me that you’re the perfect one and these are the people that I care about, so there lies the difference about not caring about what other people say.

It pierces me because maybe I do know that you’re meant to be here, right next to me.

But you don’t have the same realization and going around in the circle that we created a year ago. It is so tiresome, it’s eating me all up.

How many times do I have to fall apart, pick myself and fall into pieces again?

“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can take place”

More than anything, I’m holding on to that train of thought to keep my sanity.

Today I met someone.

She had the same height, the same built and the same hair color as me and she also had the distingushed laugh that seperated her from the others. She was loud at times, but most of the time, she was quiet, tucked away in a corner, reading a good book.

I would sworn that she was my twin sister, only she had this annoying fact about her, she’s a damned good two shoes and I absolutely hate do-gooders because they always felt fake to me until today.

I have that naughty, tempermental side that people close to me have witnessed while at the same time, I also have this Good Girl Complex that I experienced today.

It’s disgustingly alarming just because I always thought that I was badass.

But the idea of hurting anyone just hurts me as well, which is funny because I used to be the biggest bitch on the planet.

Times are changing, aye?