I’m on my way home from my second to the last day in Tagaytay and i’m so overwhelmed that I have to write everything I’m feeling to somehow justify my emotions.

I feel incredible in a way that nothing ever has. I feel alive and for the first time in my life, I’m at a loss to describe how I’m feeling. Tears are welling up in my eyes because I feel that for the first time in my life, I fell in love with these eight kids without being told to do so.

Before this three week experience, I always thought that the romantic kind of love is what you need to change you and your perspective but truly all you need is real, authentic love from people who was never obliged to love you in the first place.

To be able to give out that kind of love is amazing. It’s something you didn’t know that you had in you in the first place. I thought that I only had enough love to give to one person. I think I’ve crossed the line from being a wreckless, selfish teenager to being a responsible adult.

For the first time in my life, I am patient and kind not because I have to but I do it out of love just like how Paul described it in Corinthians.

When you’re in a romantic relationship, you reply solely on your apperance because at the back of your mind, you always think he loved you just because you’re beautiful, rich or what other adjective applies to you and your life.

But when you’re loved unconditionally, being told that you’re beautiful is not based on how much you weigh or on your new Louis Vuitton. Your told that you’re beautiful because you radiate joy, peace and kindness.

At the beginning of 2008, I prayed for a love that will change my life and at the back of my mind, I’ve always thought it would be a love from a Prince Charming (so far, all I’ve ever met are frogs) but that wasn’t the love that the Lord blessed me with this year. He blessed me with an empowering kind that will truly change you from the inside out.

I pray that all throughout 2009 and my lifetime, I’ll remember what his feels like. How genuine and how authentic this kind of love feels like.

Eventhough my heart will break when my eight angels leave, it won’t be teh kind of heartbreak that will leave you gutted and ruined. It will be the bittersweet kind, the one that inspires and one that will leave you changed forever (no more bitchy moments compadre!). This love makes me move forward in faith, it makes me believe for the great plans that the Lord has instore for me and everyone I love this coming year.

Life is truly filled with little miracles: the Lord brought me eight angels this Christmas. If that isn’t a miracle, then I don’t know what is.

CHEERS TO A GREAT 2009!!

I just got home from my English Winter Camp and I’ve been crying since. My students, in the true spirit of Christmas, gave me Christmas cards and I was overwhelmed by how simple yet sincere they were. Just thinking of those cards handwritten and pieced together by their hands makes me want to tear up all over again.

For the first time in my life, I felt truly loved by people other than my family (who in a way are obliged to love me! HA HA). It created an overwhelming sense of gratitude because in the weeks before this winter camp, I was in a self-doubt and self-loathing phase, as if I could do no right and this turned it around.

But that’s the least important reason why I was so overwhelmed. I was so overwhelmed because the thought of loving eight other people other than myself just makes my heart bigger. Here I was thinking that falling in love with one person was enough to complete you but actually being able to give of yourself to others and care for them deeply is the best kind of love around—especially during this Holiday season.

I strongly believe that the Lord crafted all of these events to end my 2008 and even though there were certain parts in 2008 that I’d erase, they were pretty much worth this year-end hurrah with my kids.

I could not even explain or put into words the overwhelming joy that I’m feeling right now, joy that has converted into happy tears and I could not be more grateful.

Despite the lack of material gifts or lavish parties, despite the lack of a good sleep in almost a month, I’m at my happiest point this year and from the bottom of my heart, I wish that for everyone, even those I don’t like that much (HA HA).

To Pete, Mike, Geneva, Julie, Ann, Jade, Wendy and Gabby: You are teacher’s best gifts this Christmas and I hope you would not forget your speech, grammar and pronunciation, but most importantly, I hope you don’t forget how much teacher loves you. Grow up to be good girls and boys, all of you will be great one day.

To the rest: MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND I HOPE YOU GOT WHAT YOU WISHED FOR AND MORE =)

So I’m back from Tagaytay, I still have five days of teaching left and it’s really making me sad already because I fell in love with each and everyone of my kids! I also fell in love with teaching, now I don’t know how I can go back to my 8-5 job without thinking of the kids!

I can’t wait to get back to my Principles of Advertising Class though, I absolutely missed it and my students!! As for my marketing job, hmm… it doesn’t generate as much passion but i’m just grateful since well, I’m blessed to have a job in 2009. =)

I was about to complain about several things today: a juvenile acting out and a couple of other crappy things but looking back, there’s really nothing to complain about, it’s the end of the year: There are new people in my life, there are people still in my life and there are people out of it– which is okay, because those people were only meant to stay for awhile anyway. I learned what I had to and moved on.

My job is good. I’m blessed. It’s better that I experience whatever crap I could at twenty than at thirty, its a blessing in disguise in a way. It has made me tougher.

This whole ESL Winter Camp came at the perfect time, it was the Lord’s way of changing my heart and ridding it of all the negativity in time for the New Year. I can’t wait to toast to 2009, it’s going to be an incredible year, I just feel it 😉

I guess that goes to show that I really don’t want anything else for Christmas. I’ve got everything but since everyone is allowed to be materialistic every once in awhile here’s my material wish list:

1) Joel Osteen’s New Devotional

2) “This Planner Will Change Your Life” 2009

3) LV Neverfull Damier Bag!!! (OHH HIGH HEAVENS!!!!! I WAANTTT)

It’s the holidays people: Let’s all Enjoy and Be Merry! CHEERS 🙂

I’ve been out of touch for the past week. I have been in Tagaytay, teaching level-A Korean fifth graders.

I’ve also been getting up earlier than I have ever been in a year (4:45 am!!!) and traveling for over four hours everyday (to and from Manila).

Yes, i’m tired, but at the same time, I’m also extremely happy.

For the first time in my life, I’m not whining and complaining. For the first time in my life, i’m actually thinking of people other than my self (I think that’s me admitting that sometimes, I can be selfish) on a different level.

It’s only been a week since I met these kids and I already fell in love with each and everyone of them just because they’re all so smart and they work so hard. Imagine, it’s their winter holidays and they’re studying everyday for more than six hours– that’s saying something, we filipinos are too spoiled.

I’m blessed with my students because they listen. They obey. They “respect teacher” and they try twice as hard on every seatwork, excercise and quiz.

This pushes me to try harder every single time, to give them a few trinkets every now and then and give them new lessons (Pete, the boy with glasses often says “teacher TOO EASY!”) that would challenge them. I’m happy to note that my students can now read pre-teen books and comprehend more words than when they arrived.

After this week, I’d only be having two weeks left with them and it just breaks my heart because I have fallen with each and everyone of them, quirks and all. Maybe it’s because each of them reminds me of myself and the people closest to my heart.

It’s also funny to note that fifth-graders would always be fifth-graders, no matter what thier nationality is. There’s always one who daydreams in class (was that kid me? haha!), one who’s extremely competitive, one who always wants to try harder on every quiz, the class clown and the shy one who hardly speaks up in class.

My students and I played several games yesterday and I realized that I missed being a kid like that. I missed playing in the rain, I missed running with my classmates and getting kilig over the latest boybands.

I think I needed this winter camp even if I didn’t really want it at the beginning (not because of the kids, but because I was too scared that I didn’t have enough to share with them).

When I woke up with this morning, something in me changed. My perspectives are realigned and I think this signals a good 2009 for me, its because i’ve learned to rearrange my priorities and let go of things that obviously were not working for me.

Week one was good and I’m looking forward to week two. I bet its going to be filled with quirky surprises and lessons again.

I wonder though: who’s teaching who? =)

***

A quick footnote (names have been omitted to protect people from all the drama!):

I sent this message to a really good friend:

“And thing is, I’ll keep talking because you always make sense and this time, it’s not because I have a highschool crush on you but it’s because you’re my friend now, a really good friend with no gushy-mushy feelings that never suited us anyway. You’re my friend now and you’re just so sensible. I met this boy and he made me find myself again. After eight months, it’s like i’m me again– only better. I’m no longer insecure, no longer afraid of whatever strong emotion I feel. I don’t second guess, I don’t find excuses anymore. I see the good in people. I’m happy and secured. I hope you find the same thing.”

And you, dear faithful reader, I hope you find the same thing too.

I was contemplating on doing this entry because I’m two weeks too late and practically everyone already wrote a blog about Twilight at some point.

But then again, it was an experience for me so, why not share it right? Since this is the entire point of this online journal anyway.

Twilight the movie wasn’t as spectacular as the book.

This is probably because the book is something private and intimate that you only share with yourself and your wild imagination. I imagined Edward to be perfect (check out Tom Sturridge– the original choice for Edward!) and be perfect at all times. In my mind, it was Bella who went insane whenever Edward was in the vicinity.

But then again, books always differ from their movie versions (A Walk to Remember anyone?) and well, I liked the twist, it was experiencing Twilight from a different perspective. Yes, there were times that Edward looked constipated (At the beginning of the movie, I actually regretted trekking to Gateway to see it) and Bella was… annoying rather than awkwardly charming, Rosalie could have been prettier but you know, they were operating on a 35 million budget and well, my brother and mom who haven’t read the series fell in love with the movie so I guess they did something right.

Towards the middle of the film, I fell in love with the movie’s version of Edward who was insecure, they added that little twist of him and that made him more “human” for a lack of a better term. And it worked. Edward was the awkward one and Bella was the “secure” one. I understood their characters because I devoured the book, I cannot say the same though for the people who were fans of the series.

I wish they could have made the “sparkling edward” scene better, in my mind, it was the pivotal point of the book. It was magnificent and beautiful, but then again, my imagination does run wild every once in awhile so maybe I just expected too much from that scene.

My favorite scene? The one in the parking lot after they got together!!!!!!!! That just really made me go “awww”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Robert Pattinson was just absolutely hot in that scene! I mean really! Can you just say “melt my heart”? I was definitely smiling till I went to sleep last night. Edward stole my heart in an instant.

Guys like him definitely do not exist! And even he was not perfect! He was a vampire which leads me to this question, just like Bella, would you give up everything to be a vampire and be with Edward forever?

Does Forever Even Exist? I would love to hear what you think! Comment Comment 🙂

Here’s the reality of life: People Snap.

There are pivotal moments in life when people step out of thier little protective shells and just snap. In my case, the thing that allows me to snap is if anyone crosses my family or hurts them in any way.

There’s probably no justification for people for some of the things I have spewed lately but then again, there’s also no justification for people who hurt your family, especially if they’re part of the said family as well.

I’d rather not dig deeper, because on and on again, things within the family should remain as such. I’m definitely not sorry for what I did. I’m highly protective of my family.

Anger, I’ve learned is very tricky. There’s simply no explanation for it.

I uploaded new songs to my ipod over the long weekend and suprisingly enough the songs reminded me of my childhood and soon found myself getting lost in the cracks between growing up. Beyond the spaces of reality and silly childhood dreams.

I was reminded of the things I believed I deserved when I got older and I asked myself why my fifteen year old self had a stronger resolve compared to my twenty year old self. The trip down memory lane was definitely worth it since it sparked this passion and hope in me. That hope that redeemed my childhood wishful thinking. My childhood believed that tomorrows never run out and today need not be perfect since tomorrow’s on it’s way.

I still deserve the same things and maybe even more. And maybe if you took the time to revisit your own spaces then you’d realize that you deserve the same things.

Cheers to a fantastic week ahead! Cheers!

I had a good start today. After a long time, I was able to enjoy a Starbucks breakfast and a conversation with an old friend, Len.

It’s nice to revist old friends and be able to talk about the same old things and a few new ones. It’s refreshing really. It’s nice to know that you have gone past the dilly-dallies of the old conversations and moved on to conversations that bordered on life and whatnot.

It’s a nice feeling. =) To more starbucks breakfasts, Len! Cheers! =)

**

A strange realization:

I’m letting you go this time not because I’m mad or I’m in pain. I’m letting you go because you need it. This is the last time I’ll be talking about you in this blog. This signifies the end of that chapter.

I’m moving on because really at this point, that is all we can do.

=)

I appreciate it.

“I used to be afraid to be angry, to be mad, and to harbor bitter feelings. I used to think that if I had any of those in my system, I was a bad person. It turns out that I needed them; I needed to feel them so I’d know when I was crossing the line. I used to stifle these feelings until I created this little hole inside of me and it was gnawing at me every single day, it was threatening to become bigger than what it really was. I was so afraid to let the anger out that it ate me up, and then just one day, I just snapped out of it. I cried. I cried until I was devoid of anything negative. These days, I’m not afraid of feeling these things, what I’m afraid of is the stifling them. That is even more dangerous than feeling anything negative.”

“I thought I wasn’t scared of anything, but it turns out that I was afraid of a lot of things: I was afraid to be rejected, that’s why I ran away before something real came to me. I was afraid to want things but I never settled for the ones I had, there were times that I was scared to step out of this little box that I built for myself because I was afraid to not be perfect.”

“I always did what was right because I felt guilty whenever I did something wrong. But you realize that everything is relative. Right is relative. Wrong is relative. Relative is my new favorite word. The idea of perfection is relative as well. I thought that if I had the success, had a clean record and never kissed a boy that wasn’t my boyfriend, I would be perfect and happy. Society dictated this way of living life and I as write this nonsense, I ask myself, “who created the rules? Who invented them”? I’m at that point where I’m questioning everything I used to put my faith in simply because some of them just disappointed me. Some of them promised happiness and here I am, twenty years old, achieved what my friends could only dream of and the million dollar question is, “Am I happy?”

“Happiness used to be simple: find something you love, find someone you love and who loves you back. There’s a joke lost in there somewhere because, well, it takes a life time to find all those three things in the same place. I hope that wouldn’t be the case for me.”

“I never lost that child in me, that child that believed that every person was good and everyone’s intention was pure. Up to this point, the kid in me refuses to believe that people can be manipulative, scheming and just plain evil.”

“Ever since I was thirteen, I patterned my life after perfection. If it didn’t make me look perfect then it was not worth wasting my effort over. Even in the boys that I chose, I always chose the ones that complimented my crazy obsession with perfection. The first boy I fell in love with was perfect beyond repair and he treated me so bad. He broke my heart, put it back together then trampled on it even before I could tell him how fragile it still was. And there are days when I sit and hope that things worked for the both of us. You’re probably wondering why. Again, it has more to do with this crazy obsession with perfection rather than the person in question. I cannot let go of the perfect guy because I was raised to be with someone like him. There’s no other way.”

“My life is contrived. But I’m not complaining. I’m blessed with numerous things and people might want to bitch slap me for saying otherwise. But this is the life that I have so I don’t know how better or worse off I am. Again, I’m not complaining. But, a little freedom wouldn’t hurt. A little freedom wouldn’t kill me or this life that I’m building.”

“At the age of twenty, I have come to realize that my career has become my life. I have this certain passion for it, there are days that I hate it to the core while there are days when I love it more than anything in the world. It’s crazy to be a workaholic at twenty. At twenty I should be drinking the night away, I should be partying till the break of dawn. But it wasn’t in the perfection handbook, so I didn’t do any of those things. Instead, I spend most Friday and Saturday nights doing my WIPs and Rubrics for my class. On Sundays, I get up extra early to attend Church—which I don’t mind, my faith keeps me sane.”

“I’ve always been prayerful. I’ve been deep into my faith way before I knew its true meaning. I just knew that the Lord could make miracles in one snap of a finger. I’ve always trusted Him, even if the miracles that I’ve been praying for has become smaller than it used to be.”

“I wanted to be an actress when I was younger. That was my main goal in life. I bet you didn’t know that.”

“Writing has become my alter-ego. The writer in me is quite different from the “me” everyone sees on a daily basis. Not that I’m fake, I just never found people who would be understanding enough to get what I say. Sometimes, I talk too much and sometimes I don’t talk at all. That means I’m writing in my head.”

“I want to work for a magazine or a big publicity firm, not in the Philippines obviously. I want to get out of the country. So Scotland, please FALL INTO PLACE.”

“I never got people who bragged. I realized that everyone does it because everyone wants to prove that they’re better than others. Or maybe, it’s not about other people at all. Maybe it’s just a tool to feel good about themselves. So if it makes someone happy why take it away?”

“Everyone I meet is insecure. The greatest people I have encountered is constantly looking behind their shoulder, trying to see if they made any mistakes, if they hurt anyone along the way. Great people, for me, refuse to admit that they don’t care about what other people think and that they’re extremely secured with who they are. But I found out that they’re the most insecure people I know. Maybe, insecurity is what fuels greatness—in some ironic, twisted way.”

“I don’t like being mad. I don’t like shouting at people. I don’t like arguing. I forgive quickly, but lately, I’ve always been mad. I’ve always been irritated. Does that make me a bad, evil person? No, because I still feel guilty afterwards. I strive to be okay with everyone but I also found out that not everyone is okay with that. So, where does that leave me? Still wanting to be okay with everyone, but also resenting them, which is not a good thing, but give me a break, I’m only twenty! I have raging hormones so people must not hate me for it because at one point in their lives, they caved in to their anger as well.”

“The problem with being perfect is people would start expecting it, including yourself. If you commit a single mistake, it ruins the one hundred things that you did right. I used to punish myself for making mistakes, for not doing it right, for hurting other people—hurting other people is something that I could never forgive myself for and yet its inevitable. So what’s one to do? I dislike perfection more than anything in the world. It pushed me to be better, but now its haunting me. It’s that silly perfection that I worked so hard for that’s killing my spirit now. Maybe, if I was the black sheep, people wouldn’t make a fuss out of every single boo-hoo.”

“I speak my mind. At least I try to, but most of the time, I’m too scared of hurting people that I hardly speak up. But that’s changing, I’ve come to realize that if I’m going to get anywhere in life, I’d have to speak up.”

“I’m praying for better days. They’re coming. It’s like I’ve crossed over from one chasm to another, but this one is much better than the last. In this one, I think I’d trying beating myself over something that happened three weeks, three months and three years ago. I don’t know if it’s called growing up. I used to detest growing up. But if growing up means that I’m allowed to make mistakes, that I’m allowed to live a little, that I’m allowed to speak up when something’s hurting me, then I guess it’s okay. I’ll be wiser, I bet. I bet I’ll be making lesser fatal mistakes and maybe, I’ll stop being afraid. I hope against hope, that I’d get over my obsession with perfection.”

“As for the perfect guy, this is what I’ve realized: he’s not perfect if he chooses to constantly hurt you, manipulate you and put you down. If he doesn’t respect your or your family, I don’t care which college he went to or where, I don’t care if he graduated Cum Laude of some great University, I don’t care if he owns the whole country or random parts of it. If he’s an ass, his money won’t change any of that. He wasn’t raised well. PERIOD. I still don’t know who the perfect guy is, but he’s out there. I still believe in destiny—not in the overused sense, but in the childlike sense.”

“I’m learning, but heck, I do believe that I’ve learned a lot in the past two years of my life. It’s time to stop complaining-sometimes, I complain too much. So I’d do the next best thing- write, write until there’s nothing left to write. Write until you know that you’re okay. Writing this helped me. There’s no anger left, just an empty, airy feeling, the feeling that I’ve been looking for. It’s here.”

This is me at twenty. I do hope that next year, some views have changed, some views have improved and that crappy obsession with perfection is over. Till then.