I’ve never been the type to count my chickens before the egg is hatched or something like that, but I guess that’s because I’ve always tried to repress whatever it is that i m feeling just so I won’t get hurt in the end which is a pretty stupid way to live.

Constantly thinking of the tomorrow that may never come seems like a total waste of my time so today, I took the risk, while calculating the possible outcome and ended up feeling that flutter and natural high that I haven’t felt inawhile.

The past doesn’t really matter, no matter how many people from it waltz in back into my life, today would be different, that i’m sure of.

So I bought Lady Gaga’s CD and realized that the last CD I picked up was Adele’s, so there goes the contradicting moods. 🙂

It’s nice to be happy and not to be so cautious. it’s a tremendous feeling… 🙂

So dude, thanks for making me happy. It’s been a damned long time.

I’ve been swamped with work this week, meetings run for four hours starting at 7:30 am and I don’t have the time to actually sit down and sift through my thoughts.

But, since I don’t have a meeting at this early hour, allow me to sift through my thoughts since they’ve been bothering me for quite some time now (thus making me get up at 3:30 AM everyday to see if its already 5:30).

In other areas of my life, I’m in control. Everything’s planned out, but in some areas, specific areas, they tend to run wild, like what my hair used to do.

It’s been bothering me, but honestly, I don’t know why it is. It’s not supposed to, you know. These aren’t the things that I waste my time on, I’d rather spend hours in front of my PC, working (yes, I still am a workaholic, would you hate me if I say that it’s not a bad thing?) or reading a new book than think about these thoughts! They’re so complicated.

But for once, complicated is good, complicated is making me smile and complicated is making my heart flutter in a way that it hasn’t in a long, long time.

But since, I’m such a girl and a good girl at that, I tend to overanalyze things and there goes the opportunity to be happy, or giddy or just plain contented.

I’ve never based my happiness on other people, which is why relinquishing that control gets a little too tough for me.

I guess, what’s pulling me back is the fact that I’ve always dreamed of something grand and something extraordinary, and as for this particular story, there’s nothing grand or extraordinary about it and it disappoints me.

It disappoints me, because I begin to wonder if this is all that there’s to the years that I’ve waited, to the years that I’ve sacrificed willingly (so I guess, it’s really not a sacrifice?). Is this the sweeter song that everyone promised?

Because honestly, there’s nothing so grand about it, I could have had this when I was fifteen.

The jumble of words may confuse you, but it’s helping me and leaving some space in my head so I can finally think about important, rational things.

But then again, despite these thoughts, I also think to myself, “Why Suffer?” If something makes you happy, why hold back? We’re only young once and I think once is enough to have stories to share. It’s time for me to step out of the little rules that I’ve constrained myself in and start living my life. When will I ever be twenty again?

I met up with a mentor earlier and in my head, I am still debating with him, because here’s the thing I am not picky!

I’d like to think that I’m idealistic and in these trying times, everyone needs a little idealism streak in them. I don’t think I can survive all the not so nice things that have happened to me if I didn’t believe that it served its purpose for something greater in my life.

That specific mentor also said that I was still stuck in high school and still believed that everything has to feel right in order for it to be right. He calls it the “tweet-tums” stage; I call it, my inner peter pan. He simply calls it an “I’m-stuck-in-highschool” syndrome.

I still think I won that argument.

The thing is, really, I am not, for the life of me picky—at all!

It’s just that I’ve set my life at a certain pace and I’ve already planned the things that I want to do before I hit 25. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that my life is perfectly aligned already, I may use different directions to get to my goal, but the end goal is there.

And I don’t know if this is a good thing, but once you get in the middle of what I’m trying to do with my life and where I want to go, then I cut you off easily. You can’t control me, I won’t allow it. I’ve worked too hard.

So, in a way, I guess I can be very good at keeping my emotions at bay. I have no room for games and no room for drama at this point, so unless you’re here to make my life easier and the load lighter, then I’m sorry I don’t have room for you.

Also, maybe it’s also because I was raised not to need men. Meaning that I was blessed to grow up with a father who was there (still there, always there, thanks to Sun’s 24/7! HAHA) and a solid family who doesn’t make me look elsewhere for “love” (lo and behold!).

I know, I know, it’s all in the Lord’s plan to find someone to share your life with, because at some point, I will be alone. But for cripes’ sake, I’m twenty years old!

My friends tell me that having a significant other at this point is pretty awesome considering that all they commit to is video games, cars and oh yeah, petty fights.

A little cynical, maybe. But come on, really! People keep giving me hack about being “too-picky” (what does that mean anyway?!) when in reality, I don’t think I needed added stress at this point.

I mean if it happens, it happens, which is really a good way to look at it because you know if you keep chasing after something that isn’t meant for you, then you’ll simply be stressing yourself out over nothing.

If it’s God’s will, then it will just happen. No scheming, no games. Just something real.

So there, I’m not picky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just a little while ago, I had a little run-in with a colleague at work and also a little earlier than that, I had a snooty order from someone who used to be nice.

It might be all the pressure at work but I’m amazed at how I was able to shrug it off.

Now, I don’t want that to sound extremely self-righteous, but here’s one fact that you should know.

I used to be this big wig people pleaser. My ultimate goal in life was to please people and make sure that my reputation was spick and that people could not say anything bad against me.

Well, thank God I grew up because it got a little too tough for me, I mean we’re not in high school anymore!!

So you do what you have to do and move on with your life, despite the little battles that you shouldn’t even be fighting in the first place.

**

So i’ve been on a one tree hill marathon, which is pretty pointless since i’ve got every episode memorized, and I’ve been reliving the Na-ley drama.

I hated her the first time I watched it, but somehow, now that I’m older, I kindda get her point.

It may sound a little selfish, but come on, this is the only time in our lives where we can actually be selfish and care less about someone else.

I mean why spend so much time and energy on a person when you can spend it getting to know yourself and with other people?

And why give up your dream and countless opportunities when you can have whatever it is later on? It’s probably the pessimist in me speaking. But those are just thoughts really.

So anyway, I never found Haley pretty but in this picture, she most definitely is! 🙂

**

I think I’m becoming more and more of an OC every single day. It’s getting kindda scary already! OH NO!!!

I had a funny conversation with Daisy (who else would I have interesting conversations with??!) but I’d rather not put into detail the things we discussed.

They’re not too personal, they’re just really mean, even for us! HAHA. But damn, a girl has to have her priorities!

**

I’m having a good day so far, I hope you are too!

I tried several times today to write down a blog entry worth writing about everything that I’ve been feeling since the weekend but I always fell short and decided to delete everything halfway through. I don’t know what’s going on with me (it’s probably the terrible headache that I’ve had since Sunday!) but for the first time in a long time, I can’t seem to find the words to express how I’m feeling and that’s probably because there’s to many emotions that I don’t even know where to start. So, this may be a misplaced entry with a lot of run-on sentences but please do bear with me 😀

**

I’m currently listening to Joyce Meyer speak about God’s Favor in your life and I think it’s timely for me to hear it because I’ve been under extreme pressure at work and I’ve been wanting to shift gears for awhile. BUT, and there’s a big BUT, I feel that this is where I’m supposed to be right now as opposed to be where I want to be. It can be extremely tiring and frustrating you know? Not getting what you want and having to put up with a lot of drama and ho ho-s. But, God’s favor surpasses that so I’m pretty optimistic and hopeful.

**

I saw Slumdog Millionaire last night and although it was a wee boring in the beginning (I think when you don’t understand certain things, it can get boring! :D), I fell in love with it, even the dance at the end was cute! J It was an interesting and smart movie. I haven’t seen a good one in a long time.

**

As for the matters of the heart, well, my close friends know that I’m letting that go but I finally know what I want. Most of them say that I’m too picky but I do believe that there’s that one person out there for me, so why even bother to date a million and one frogs to get to him? In God’s perfect time J

But I’m really hoping that a particular person would just learn to let it go. It’s over and done with. Stop trying to sabotage my work.

This is another lesson learned for me! Ghaad!

**

Friends.

It just gets more complicated as you get older. Before, as long as you liked the same color, you were the best of friends but these days, it gets more complicated because you’re living different lives and somehow you can’t just make certain areas of your life meet and mash.

So sometimes, all you can do is let it go. Which is sad, but the best part about is, maybe, you’d learn to rediscover each other again.

**

Thank God because after three days, I don’t see stars when I type or I don’t feel like I drank three liters of coffee when I stand up. The throbbing is gone and I’m so grateful because I’ve been praying for it for the past three days.

I may have not admitted it, but I definitely felt scared.

**

I feel so much better. I think I just needed to write, write and write some more. It was always the number one therapy.

Enjoy the rest of the week guys! Kiss!

After last week’s rather dramatic and hasty events, I can simply laugh and wonder how I got through it alive or without killing anyone.

I believe its God’s sheer grace that got me out of that rather horrid situation and I’m quite happy with the balance of my life right now.

Last week, although it may be quite embarassing to admit this, I was stuck in wanting a life that wasn’t my own. I realize that it’s okay for me to admit that because it makes me more human and less repugnant saint.

I falsely believed that I was missing out on something but I gravely realized that it was selfish of me to complain because the Lord gave me this beautiful life. I may not be where I planned to be, but I’m where I’m supposed to be.

It’s quite funny what happens when you learn to surrender. Words are not enough to describe it. Everything falls into place.

So this week, I’d continue to surrender myself to the Lord and work on some quirks. I’m on hiatus until the end of the week. 🙂

Have a good week babes!

If it’s supposed to make you happy, then why endure the petty fights? Also, why risk everything you can be and do in this time of your life where you’re supposed to grow so you can be in a relationship that would leave you pissed every five minutes?

I’m not being self-righteous. I’m just thinking out aloud. So if you have any ideas, leave a comment maybe?

If there’s anything that I learned over the past week, it’s this: Be Still and know that someone is working on your behalf.

No, this is not an excuse for us to be lazy, sit around and think that, “Oh, everything’s working for my good anyway, so it would be better for me to just stay in bed all day.”

Certainly, that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about letting things that we have no control over go. This is an extremely hard lesson for me to learn because for one thing I’m an obsessive compulsive who wants to control every single event in my life. I want everything under control to the extent that I get frustrated when things don’t happen my way. I can be very hard-headed in particular areas (ahem) which is why I get my heart broken every single time.

It took me five years to understand the simple fact that He’s working so I better shut it.

**

I miss my high school friends. I don’t know I miss them more than I missed in the last three years. Something about being carefree and irresponsible maybe?

**

I have to finish Benjamin Button tonight. It’s on my must list!

**

Currently reading this unknown book by some unknown author and I’m quite happy that I stumbled upon it. It’s quite fascinating really and the fact that I actually have time to read just amazes me.

**

I haven’t played volleyball in YEARS. So I don’t know what got into me when I agreed to play in my office’s sportsfest starting February. Maybe because I’d be saving some gym money since I’ll be getting the workout for free. Yes, that must be it because I have no idea why I have chosen to humiliate myself like that in front of my officemates :p

**

I have a college class today, I hope to remember that this group is made up of kids in thier late teens or early twenties and not fifth graders.

Oh how I miss those kiddos! E-mails are just not the same!

**

If you read this thing the whole way through: Congratulations and thank you. It was a bunch of mumbo-jumbos but thanks for finding it interesting. Cheetaw!

I had a few jaunting realizations during my lunch break while I was reading Sophie’s World (which is funny because nothing I learned came from Sophie’s World!) and munching on my current favorite lunch treat: Yakisoba-Beef.

• Nakakapagod narin pala magdrama. Life indeed throws us a million and one curveballs and if I’m going to cry and rant about every single curveball, then I will not move forward with my life. I’ll be stuck in the same damned cycle just because I refused to seek for help or let the little things slide. Now, I realize what it means to be emptied and be filled by God alone which leads me to my second realization…
• No matter how much people love you, no matter how you expect them to be there, there will be days and circumstances wherein they would disappoint you and not because they want to but because they’re people too. Just like you and me, they get hurt, they say things they don’t mean to say and they can break you apart with thier words. But it’s okay, hindi kailangan magalit ng sobra sobra sa mga taong to, because these are the people who we would learn the most from.
• Never give in to your emotions: No matter how right you may seem, take a breather and don’t bitchslap everyone you meet. Better yet, deal with your issues head on. Stop forming this well of hatred and anger in your heart. With me kasi, everything has to make sense. Why this person hurt me, what’s wrong with that person. Na realize ko na ako, may mali din…
• The problem with me is that I always expect people to be perfect and be at thier best. Which is sad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m particuarly friends with anyone, I work well with people until you do something insensitive (intentional or not) and it becomes a big deal with me. You can say I’m very sensitive. If you hurt me, end of the world na, or rather of our friendship. No second chances. We can be civil but there’s that mark you left with me already which, on all levels is wrong. Nobody deserves to be fit into that silly, impossible standard.
• I used to fear rejection and getting hurt. I used to think that if someone hurts me– end of the world na yun. That was the problem with me, I used to rely on people and my relationships with them to make me happy, never realizing that all I needed was to focus on the Lord and from there everything would just flow. I used to do it the other way around, I used to think na, if I fit everything into my life’s own blueprint and showed it to God, okay na (yes, I can be verrrry controlling!). So that’s something I have to change.
• There’s always room for change. I used to be afraid that I couldn’t change, but Pastor Paul said that whenever we feel fear, that’s coming from the devil and not the Holy Spirit. So, in a way, my situation at the moment sucks, but its the price I have to pay because without this hell of a situation then I wouldn’t see the loopholes in my character. So I’m grateful to it, because the devil meant it for evil and the Lord turned it around for my good.
• I want to rid of my bitterness and God’s doing that.

There comes a point in your life when everything you used to believe in crashes and falls apart. At the advent of this, you wonder where you went wrong and where the cracks began.

Under sheer pressure, you realize that well, it’s not that you like the person you have become, but in a way, you appreciate it. You appreciate it because once in your life, you’re finally finally numbed and you’re finally transitioning into this other phase of your life where you hope that things are more stable-emotionally because everything else just follows from there.

I once heard that we are filled to be emptied again- that’s just how the Lord works in our lives.

With the new things happening in my life, I’m totally lost. I don’t know where to go from here, simply because the main foundation that my life has been built on for the past twenty years have been pulled from under me. Even I don’t understand where all this anger and hurt is coming from.

All I know is that what I’m standing on at this very moment is my relationship with the Lord and no one, not even those whom I love more than life itself can take that away.

At this point, it’s really all I have.

Sheer faith is the only thing that’s keeping me from falling apart.