I had a DAY filled with frustrations and random instances wherein I simply broke down and held back the tears. It was one of the longest days this year and it made me want to run back to Skyview where I’m afraid, I still left my heart.

The first instinct was to run away like I always do and delete certain people and certain situations just to ease the discomfort.

But well, grownups say that life isn’t supposed to be like that. It’s supposed to be about responsibility and all that follows after.

I think I need a career change, quick.

There are days when I do things that I’m not proud of, say things that aren’t up to par with the person that I want to be and you know last night, I fell asleep feeling extremely guilty about it, simply put it, I realized that I’m not that person.

And you know, today’s another day, but I still wish I did better yesterday.

But it’s over and done with and there’s really nothing else that you can do. So you’d rather sit it out, move forward and improve.

Which is a bid deal because, you know, a year ago, my conscience wouldn’t even be talking to me about it.

So kudos to improvement.

Well, she’s still alive and currently writing this blog for the whole multiply world to see.

Being a girl with the purity ring always branded me as “boring, initmidating and self-righteous” (direct quote!) in college and high school. A few people understood in high school, but in college it was as foreign as the hot guy on Slumdog Millionaire.

So I stopped talking about it. Now that I started working and have been immersed in the “real world”, I’ve gone through specific circumstances that made me reevaluate how impossible living with a purity ring can be, simply because people don’t get it and since they don’t get it, they don’t respect it.

Which is fine by me, at least I know which people to trust and which to stay away from.

It has made me disheartened because as I’ve mentioned in previous blog entries, is the sacrifice worth it? Is waiting for a man of God worth the pain of being rejected for that particular belief?

It’s truly a diverse world where people make different choices and my mind has opened but my values have not changed. I respect people who see things differently and even admire their courage but not enough for me to change my mind.

I am still that girl with a purity ring and I pray that God will give me the strength (I am human, after all) to live with that choice. But i’m no longer an idealist, one who fails to understand that nobody’s perfect and that not everyone makes the same choices you do.

It’s good that I was exposed to several rigid circumstances that has forced me to rethink my values, simply because I was refueled to fight for what I believed in.

When I made that choice eight years ago, it felt like I was making it because I had no choice. I was raised in a Christian home, with a set of rules that I barely understood. I thought it would be easy to live by that standards rather than that of the world’s.

But I’ve been thrown into the wildfire of life and realized, that although I don’t want to shout out this particular choice to lift me higher, but rather I share this as a testimony of how sufficient God’s grace is and has been in my life.

It’s through that gift that I can come back to this decision and realize, that at 20, it is still what I want and believe. I’m making this decision not because it was forced upon me but simply because this would be an easier, better path for me to take.

And if people don’t respect that, the way I respect the choices they’ve made then so be it.

It’s all about living and letting live. Cycle of life, you should try it sometime. Ciao!

… And don’t admit it.

They find a lot of scapegoats. People who unwillingly think that they’re the center of that person’s universe, when in fact, they’re simply the bridge to the next level of forgetting another person.

It’s a little sad when you think about it because no matter how deserving the scapegoat is, no one, not even my worst enemy deserves that kind of pain, that kind of rejection.

So why do these two people continue to fool around and mess with the truth?

That is a mystery yet to be solved!

… Because I can post a letter on multiply instead. HAHA =D

Hey You,

For the past five years but most especially in the last two years of that five years (gets mo yan haha), there are days when I wake up and immediately, I think of you simply because the dream I just had were visions of you and the damned what could be phrase that I’ve overused in the past week.

It’s another one of those horrible Vday weekends but I’m happy because I’ve got friends and family to make and keep me happy.

There’s nothing more that I would want than to be with you and tell you how wondeful you are.

That’s the thing, I don’t even know if you know how appreciated you are. You are the most wonderful man I’ve ever met, even if you are tainted and flawed.

You’re magnificent: simply and truly.

I guess the point of this whole entry is to let you know that I’m thinking of you on this silly holiday and unlike what you believe, you won’t add sorrow to my “perfect” life, but you’d make something ordinary something special.

<3

It’s that time of the year again where all the couples make up, crushes are revealed and real love is uttered through a marching band, a wacky tenor or worst, both.

As a highschool student, I used to dreeaaad vday simply because I was an overweight chump who wouldn’t get asked out to prom.

These days, I see Vday as an excuse to show my friends how much I love them without acting like an insane stalker, a lesbo or both. So here goes my list to the people I <3, boy, girl, single or taken: Sexy Abi: I seriously admire your confidence and how secure you are. Hands down Abi, you are one of the coolest people I know. Alia: Kins, where do I start? You’re my twin soul and I’d appreciate you for that forever. Cheers to the text messages and to a good day everyday =) Angelie: One of the prettiest, nicest girls ever. Stargirl, geek buddy, the girl who knows everyone I know: you rock! Abbie M: You taught me how to pray for “the one”, sheer faith that you fueled keeps me sane during weekends like these. Arvin: Team sorofrat. Wow arvs, you are still that conscience that speaks to me. You will be our next president, don’t you dare forget our plan. =) Bianx: Always so sweet! When will I see you??! It’s funny to remember because when I was 13, your brother was my dream vday date and I was scared of my sister in law to be. HAHA =D Carla Bianca: My namesake =) e, ang ganda mo e noh?! Wow, may sikat ako na friend. HAHA =D Cheska: I’m happy we bonded in Tagaytay, sis =) Cherry: Dyosa!! 🙂 You’re one of the most kindhearted people I know. So selfless =) Chorong: Kruuung. I miss you =( Dais: I can hate you for not replying but then again, you’re my long lost siamese twin chi chi. You are my chi and even if we can go months without talking because life’sa bitch, we pick up where we left off and I will love you forever for that. Magtext naman, kahit minsan. HAHA =D Elyds: Frriend!! :p Gabriel: Ang heartthrob ng buhay ko. HAHA =D Gracey: Sexy and diet buddy. You are beautiful =) Gym soon? Irma: My tinkerbell. Always spreading pixie dust everywhere you go. Thanks for being so generous with your time and everything else. =) Jai: we have our conflicts but heey i love you =) Tina: always so thoughtful, you’re a coool friend and a wonderful mom! Sure am proud of you =) Jericho: Peaches! Hirit pa ng pick-up line. Yan mga stars na yan! Miss you seatmate =) Karen: I miss your parties and I still think of you when I see something blue =) Jowee Anne: One of the sweetest girls I know! So smart, so nice, I hope we can bond more. =p Kae Kae Kae: The duoship is one that stands the test of time. Aminin, iisa lang ako =p Kara: My prayer warrior. My steadfast prayer partner through the darkest days and happiest times. I love you for being the sister I’ve always needed. =) Keichi: thanks for your creative output but more than that, thanks for being a friend. We young professors should stick together =) LA: Food trip buddy! thanks for always being sooo nice. I miss our bonding! Len: Ay friend talaga kita, period =) elevator? Elevator? Mady: Ikaw ang superstar ng buhay ko!! Haha =) Mara: I love our friendship but definitely I love you more. I’m so happy for you Mars, you deserve it. Marc: Always the love of my highschool life. Eto ang dream boy =) miss you. May: Pretty ka and sweet. See you soon. Sana we bonded more in SFC. Hehe =) Melanie: haha. You knew about everything and yet you didn’t say anything. you are a good person and I appreciate you for that. Haha. Maldita lang minsan. Haha =p Memsie: You are my favorite person. PERIOD. The best! Mervyn: I miss yooouu (pat, tell him this na lang. Haha) Micah: You sooo coool. Haha. Mikey: You’re eccentric but so kind and cute. Lovely accent! Make the ib vid a good one! Any girl would be lucky to be your valentine. Haha =) MJ: You were always such a gentleman =) Nolan: You are my best best friend even if you disappear on me. Mahal kita. =) Pat: The perfect beauty queen: kind. Smart. Beautiful. Never change beauty queen =) Paulo: yes you bueser. You are sooo bolero but when you look past the need to make bola, you’re pretty cool. Most of the best conversations I had, I had with you. =) Pia: Soeur, you will go soo far in life. You have no idea how proud I am of you. =) Ralph: I don’t get you but yeah… Dude. Haha =) Regina: Thanks for the book you gave me in sixth grade, I still read it =) Rosa: You are so pretty. I just had to say it. Also sooo sweet and hmm, alam mo, tama theory mo. Haha. Gets? Okay. Hush. Haha =D Sam: Siir Sam, you’ll be a brother soon. Yay! Sami: Loooveeeeeee =) Shane: ay, sige absent pa. Haha =) always so respectful. Stephan: thanks for always being cooperative. The handsome face matches the amazing person =) Clarissa: oh wow, you are sooo fuunny. I love the energy, I love the quirks. Haha. One of my favorite people, basta don’t invite me to mall of asia again, okay? Haha =p Tini: Ang galing, we only talked once sa csa at tiinarayan mo lang ako. Haha. We became friends sa cyberworld. O diba, ang galing =p cool mo. Swear. Thei: Saludo ako sayo =) Tin: Tequilla, we’re meant to be friends. =) Vernica: I miss you little sister =) Wendy: Haha. Gossip girl, ano pa ba? Haha. =) I’m so happy that we’re friends. Ibang klase ka supermodel!
Kat: You have always been a good person. No doubt you are beautiful, but what’s inside of you doesn’t even compare. You are wonderful =)

Karla: no matter what, you are and will always be my bestfriend =)

Kristina: Wala akong masabi. Cool ka =)

Sashing: I’ll always be your chika. You are beautiful.

Karren: sexy!

Precious: Berry! You are so beautiful inside out. I love the fact that we have the same taste in everything. Trio tayo ni Wends e.

Sam: Remember in fifth grade you promised to be my bridesmaid? You were always so wonderful =)

KC: You continue to inspire me. truly you are my angel =)

And lastly, I know I’m so anti vday but here goes, to the two most important guys in my heart:

Daddy and Carl: Every single guy in my life would have to measure up to the both of you. So trust me when I say that no one has even come close since the both of you are nails in a haystack. I am blessed. =)

Mama: My bestfriend.

Eto, serious na:

To Danny: I could have. We could have…

To the KING: it’s not yet over. really all you have to do is move.

<3 Seriously, with all these amazing people in my life, who needs roses, chocolates or a fancy dinner? =)

To my everdearest Pipay,

You were my joy tonight. I was going through several things that made me extremely sad but you were a blessing. The way you say, “I wab you bery much” just overwhelms my heart, you are living proof that God gives us miracles.

I know you are too young to read, or even understand this letter, but I hope ten or twenty years from now, when you are going through something extremely difficult, or when you feel that there is nothing left in this world that could go right, or when you feel like you have not done anything right, I want you to read through this and realize that you are someone’s joy, that when you were younger, you made a lot of people happy simply because you exist. Your smile is enough to make someone forget a bad day.

Your presence radiates a room and it breaks my heart because before I know it, you will grow up. You will become a teenager and you will face the toughest challenges in life. I will still be there for you when the time comes, but just like every single grown up, I cannot save you from everything.

That is something that you would have to do yourself. That is something that I am still hurting.

So here are a few lessons I’ve learned along the way and I hope that when you’re old enough, these nuggets will be enough to get you through:

1) Your family is the one that you are born with. Sometimes, they disappoint you, sometimes they hurt you and sometimes, you do both things to them as well. But don’t lose hope, things will fall into place, you will forgive and forget.

2) But at the same time, don’t be afraid to find family other than the one you were born with. Even if the world is a crummy place, there are still good people in the world. Never ever stop believing that. Never stop believing that there is some good left in the world. There will always be that person that will shock you and make you realize that God does use people.

3) There will be a love that will never love you back. I’m not being cynical. I’m being real so you don’t keep expecting that every guy you have eye contact with will fall in love with you, most of the time, they only want things that you consider special. Keep close heed of your heart, it’s okay to be cautious and careful…

4) But listen to your heart… People always used to tell me that I will just know and my fear has allowed me over look that. Don’t let your fear get the best of you. Despite how many times you have been rejected, no matter how many times you have had your heart broken, it’s worth it. Because everything that leads to that great love that God has in store is worth. Learn what you can and move on.

5) Most of the time, the people closest to you are the ones that hurt you the most with thier words. Don’t believe everything they say, most of the time, they’re too hurt and confused to understand the weight of thier words. You are wonderful, you may have flaws, but you have something wonderful in you, fight. Fight against the hurt. Fight against judgement, but most of all fight for your family.

6) Embrace life, darling. Run wild, but not too wild. Embrace it with everything that you have.

And Always remember, I love you. You are the most precious thing on earth.

With all of my heart,

Tita Carla =)

(I think Carla will be fine, okay?! haha)

Been watching One Tree Hill for the past month and in the fourth season, all I could hear from Rachel and Mouth and Brooke is this line, “I could have loved you forever”.

And I never truly knew what that meant until well, until recent events.

I don’t know how to explain this without having to divulge anything extremely private and personal, since this story is extremely close to my heart, something that I’ve had in me since I was thirteen.

Something that I prayed for since I was thirteen, but it didn’t happen, it’s not going to happen simply because maybe, it’s not meant to be.

And in a way, it kills me. It kills me because I thought I got over it, I thought its cool and I guess I just hate the feeling of regret! The feeling that something so beautiful cannot be mine, it’s not merely for my sake, but for his as well. We could have been perfect.

There’s that phrase again: Could have been. Could have been. Could have been.

Thinking of him and what could have been can be very therapeutic at times. In a way, what could have been is a good thing because it gives you hope; hope that maybe your most favorite dream would come true. That the star would finally reach down and touch you.

At this point, it may be pointless, but it gives me that smile and inspiration that I haven’t felt in awhile.

It’s that hope. Maybe that’s why I keep coming back to you, you always always gave me hope.

I accomplished something this weekend that I’m extremely proud of, I also devised a plan that I’m not entirely proud of, so let’s start by being positive, alright?

The brat that I am, I’ve been peskering my dad to hurry up my 21st birthday gift and get me a laptop. Of course he said no, along with the list of the things I recently purchased in December alone.

So, I found another way to go around it and realized that the laptop I got for my 18th birthday was still lying around at home, filled with viruses and as slow as a turtle. I thought it was a hopeless case but with the help of those macho MIS dudes at school, I got into a mission of saving it and it was a success!

It’s now working as fast as my brother’s vista and all viruses have been eliminated, I’ve also developed the hobby of collecting fonts. It’s pretty awesome because I used my resources and spent the entire weekend staying up way past my bed time to get things done.

Another reason to not need a man in my life.

**

It’s a game. It’s a mean game, but a game nonethless, I hope no one gets hurt by it.

And she saw Danny again, but this time there were no sparks, there were no knees weakening, it was merely two old friends seeing each other after almost a year.

It felt good to see him again, but at the same time, it haunted her.

It haunted her because feelings that she thought were gone were back again and she realized how complicated things were and how they would remain that way because that was what their love story was about- a web of painful and complicated heartbreaks.

Danny smiled at her, with those intense eyes of his, “So this is how its going to be huh?” She barely smiled, it was a bittersweet fact, she felt saddened by the fact that there were so many emotions lost in thier silence, so many words left unspoken.

Finally, she took the opportunity to speak up, “We could have been great you know”

His eyes convened the same amount of depth that she had in hers, “I know”. It made her heart leap, but only for awhile, it went right back down because there were situations that they both could not control, and it made letting go the only option left.

Even if she accepted this fact 365 days ago, it remained the bane of her exsistence. She was right, it could have been a love story for the books. It was something she prayed for, a gift she wished was hers to keep.

Sometimes, she wonders why she spent so much time praying for it. What was the outcome? What was the prize?

“In another lifetime, maybe” Danny said, out of the blue, the freeze finally ending. Tears caught in her eyes, words tried to escape her aching throat, “Yes. In another lifetime, we could have been perfect”

And with that, it was her who walked away.

Enough of the dwelling, enough of the sadness. She wasn’t going to go through the motions of losing again.

She has let that go, she has dealt with the pain, but sometimes, in moments like the one she just had, it was better to simply relive the good times.

If only is such a sad phrase. It defined what she and Danny could have.

It also defined what they would never have.

It broke her heart for awhile and just like that, she was able to get her act together and realize that even if things didn’t end the way she hoped, she had those few moments with him, moments she’d remember forever.