“There was a time I packed my dreams away
Living in a shell, hiding from myself
There was a time when I was so afraid
I thought I’d reached the end
Baby that was then
But I am made of more than my yesterdays
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then, this is my now.
Had to decide was I gonna play it safe
Or look somewhere deep inside
and try to turn the tide
Find the strength to take that step of faith
And I have the courage like never before, yeah
I’ve settled for less but ready for more”
***

“You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true..”

***
I’ve heard that it’s possible to grow up – I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope – against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope…”
****
Okay, here it is, your choice… it’s simple, her or me, and I’m sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

Just a few weeks ago I was smoking hot with anger with this guy who was spreading rumors about me liking him (head over heels in love with him) and saying things about my family, especially with my mom. It’s an understatement to say that I was pissed at him. I wanted to kick him and put my boxing lessons into good use. I was that mad at him not because he was thinking that I like him (please) but because he was saying things about my parents after they treated him so nicely when he would go to the house and he’d be saying a lot of things. That’s just plain annoying. Another thing that bothered me about him was the fact that he used my relationship with the Lord to get closer and… arrg.. not getting into the messy details.

Anyway, as I was saying I was SO MAD and I wanted to get back at him so bad but fate intervened and it didn’t allow me to do anything drastic or cheap or anything that I would eventually regret (I hate bickering with people most of the time I just shut up).

It’s not that I’m happy with the unfortunate things that happen with people, I’m not mean but sometimes it makes you think. This whole ordeal made me think and melt my anger away. It simply made me realize that revenge would not get anyone anywhere. So now, it’s as if that all my complaints about other people just melted away.

I’ve also contemplated about my own actions. Now I think carefully before I do anything or say anything..

I don’t want the boomerang called karma to hit me in the head.

Mood: Still Pressured
Current thought in my head: must get more sleep and stop sleep walking
Current state of my heart: tired, but happy.

The weirdest thing happened last night. I walked in my sleep for the first time today and it was SO eeire. It was a good thing that my mom wa there. I was going out of the room and I was saying that I had to finish something because I had to pass it and I had to finish it immediately. Yup, if that isn’t pressured then I don’t know what it is. My dad’s worried about me, he said that with the amount of coffee that I consume, the pressure I put on myself and my own personal drama he says that I might break down soon, which isn’t really a good thing considering that finals are just a month away. Okay there I got placing pressure on myself. I’m just swamped with things that I have to and here I go worrying about the things that have been happening in my own personal life. To tell you honestly, things that have been happening within my personal life has taken a larger toll on me than things that I have to do for school. The freak that I am I actually enjoy it.

But I no longer want to elaborate, sometimes dealing with people is JUST TOO MUCH TO BEAR.Sometimes having to care so much about others and how much hurt they’ve caused you gets old (not to mention, makes you look old) and I just want to get rid of it right away.

Sometimes when the world becomes way too cruel than you can ever imagine, sometimes all you can do is sigh and wish like hell that the world would stop turning but I’ve read a quote somewhere that said that “the world doesn’t stop for your grief” and it’s true.

There may have been bad things or cruel people that have became major roadblocks in my life but my life doesn’t stop there, my passion for helping other people has not faltered.

I’m bruised but I’d like to think I’m better. They said that the world can turn you into an ugly person inside but this time I won’t let.

I still have that hope in my that after this dark road that I’ve been trudging on there would be light and on my way there, I know there would be people that I’d be meeting to shower some sunshine in my life.

My much needed sunshine.

I’ll continue to be a lending hand, no matter how bitchy life has become to me, I won’t let that stop me.

Mood: pressured.
Voice in my head: “it’s okay, all work best for the greater good”
Current state of my heart: hurt, greiving.. alone.

It has often been said that a blog should be able to tell what is currently going on in the life of the “blogger” and I swear, that was the objective of this blog, to rely in any manner what was going on in my life, no matter how soggy, how happy or how dramatic. But as I’ve fished through the past entries of my so-called blog I have realized that maybe, in one way or another I have not reached that goal.

I am hurt. I have been betrayed more times in the past two months than I can imagine. When I entered college I seriosuly thought that I would gain all the best friendships in the world, but as Kara has said that friendships are hard to come along most especially in college when the playing field is so damn competitive. I would rather not stress on this fact, but the current state of my college life in terms of friendships is this,

The people whom I thought who would always be there for me head on betrayed me and turned thier backs on me for a reason that I don’t know of. If they would just come up to me and say why they think I’m such a bitch then I wouldn’t sulk as much. It’s not that I’m sad that they’ve all turned thier backs on me, I’m just annoyed because I spent about a year on my life investing in something that wouldn’t even last. Some friends.

I’ve been in touch with my highschool friends more often now. I know there has been a time wherein I “cooconed” and didn’t talk to anyone but now times have changed. A friend once said that the greatest of friends can be found in your highschool friends and I’ve proven just that. I do miss them and now that we’ve tested the waters maybe its time to get together and keep in touch once again. Nothing beats old friends is so true.

I am once again stuck in a transition phase in my life, it’s like I am so sick and tired of the things that I used to love and admire. I never use my multiply site because I now realize that people who are not even concerned about you suddenly find the need to jump into your life by looking at special pictures, so for those of you who still try to add me as a contact don’t bother I hate multiply. Also, friendster has annoyed me as well but I will not stop visiting since that’s how I manage to keep in touch with my old friends and people I hardly see, it serves a good purpose. I love myspace, its the one thing that I am currently not annoyed at and my blog of course.

So other than those things mentioned above, I’m pretty happy.

I guess that’s life.

I better just eat away my problems.

The best solution to this do drum life?
Strawberry Shortcake from Conti’s, that can put a smile on my face anytime at anyday.:)

It;s not even eleven o’clock today and I’ve had laughed more than I have over the weekend. To begin with a good friend of mine, Kara sent me an email about this website, “crush calculator” it pretty much works like the much famous love calculator back in the day but I was fooled becaus I typed in the name of the man of my dreams and it got sent to Kara instead. I’m now horrified, there goes my pact of not liking “players”. (I’m not telling you which game they play, I’m giving away too much already).
***
After humiliating myself, I decided to turn away from karen’s laptop and see what my classmates were up to. Apparently they were talking about the much loved and missed “pop era”. I swear to you, everyone was throwing in an Nsync Song or a Spice Girls song, some even sang a BSB song. And of course that’s where the argument begun because even if my dream boy, Lance Bass turns out to be wishing to be my gender, I am still in love with the whole idea of Nsync.
***
Another humiliating stunt I pulled today: I am a fan of hilary duff. Well, I really am but I guess it isn’t such a good idea to announce it in class, I’m supposed to be a college student anyway. It might now also be such a good idea to announce that you’re in love with zac efron and you think high school musical rocks. That would make everyone look at you and think you’re crazy.
***
Also it’s best not to announce to your class that your single because you believe so much in destiny, another wave of weird looks came my way after that announcement.
***
I just had the best christmas chocolate ever and it was only ten pesos! Yahoo!

Life and its small pleasures… you just can’t get enough.

I was going through my mail today and I came across this interesting email that I got from my friend, Jillie. It’s funny and I can relate to it, I think the reason why I’m still single is because of number ten. How about you? hehe;)

11. Destiny Adik

Eto yung mga naghihintay kay “Destiny” na gumawa ng paraan para pagtagpuin sila ng kanilang mga “partner in life”.. ayannn… kapapanood nyo ng “Serendipity” eh feeling nila ang nangyari sa movie eh mangyayari rin sa kanilasuch a cliche.. hindi ba nila alam na kung walang effort destiny is useless.

10. Perfectionist/Mapili

Yes, isang taong perpeksiyonista. Yung tipong dapat ganito ang magiging kapartner ko. Pag may nakilala, nakita lang na pangit ang kuko o may dumi lang, turn-off na agad. O kaya ang daming ayaw. Ayaw sa mabait boring daw, gusto bad boy/ pilya pero kapag pinaiyak ka tatanungin ka bakit ang sama mo bakit mo nagawa yun! Adik ka ba?! Ayaw sa cute, ayaw din naman sa panget. meron dyan gusto ka ayaw mo naman.. ung gusto mo halos magtambling ka pero deadma parin yang stunts mO sa kanya! Pasaway ka rin e! Ano ba talaga kuya?

9. Busy Busyhan

Opo, eto yung ang mundo e gumagalaw lang sa libro at ballpen kung estudyante ka o kaya naman sa computer at files kung office staff ka. Yung tipong aalis ng bahay ng alas 6 o alas 7 ng umaga at uuwi ng bahay ng 6 hanggang alas 8 ng gabi [baligtad naman para sa mga nag tratrabaho sa (call center). Sabay tulog na. Kapag sabado masaya na sila sa tv, sa pagkain na niluluto ni mama at sa linggo naman sisimba at maghahanda na ng kelangan para sa lunes hanggang byernes. Pssssst.. pause for awhile.

8. Friendship Theory

Ano naman ito? Eto yung ang buhay ay kay bestfriend o kaya kay special friend na hindi masasabi sabi sa friendship nya sa loob ng kanilang mahabang panahon na pagsasama dahil baka daw maapektuhan ang pakikipagkaibigan at iwasan sya. Yung tipong pag may kasama si
friendship na iba, nagseselos na wala naman sa lugar, pero syempre wag pahalata, kunyari happy sya for friendship. ABA! Oi lakasan mo ang loob at baka mamaya forever mong pagsisihan yan kaw rin. Minsan pa naman pareho kayong naghihintayan.. hmmp!

7. Born-to-be-one (Autistic)

Eto yung nasa palad na ang pagiging single daw. Walang reasons. Basta lang nabuhay sya sa mundo na mag-isa at feeling nya mamatay sya sa
mundo ng mag-isa. Kesyo magmamadre o magpapari na lang. Asa kang tatanggapin ka pa noh!

6. Happy-go-lucky

Eto yung taong walang alam kundi kasiyahan at trippings. Kahit sino nalang basta no string attach. For fun lang daw… Walang halong
seryosohan. ABA hoy! yang init ng katawan mo e ikiskis mo nalang sa pader. Makakahanap ka rin ng katapat mo!!!

5. Wrong Place

May nakaranas na ba nito? Yung pakiramdam mo nasa ibang mundo ka. Yung ang nakakaharap mo e yung mga hindi mo gusto, yung mga hindi mo hinahanap. Alam mo yun? Halimbawa nasa ibang bansa ka, pero ang hinahanap mo e yung amoy ng nasa sariling bayan mo. O kaya naman e nasa sarili mong bayan ka, nasa normal na lipunan, pero ikaw ang abnormal at hindi mo kayang sabihin na abnormal din ang hanap mo kung ayaw mong ibitin ka nila ng patiwarik.

4. Wrong Time

Eto yung mga tao na sinasabi na, hindi pa ako ready e bata pa kasi ako o kaya naman hindi pa ako handa sa panahong ito, wala pa ako kayang
ipagmalaki. Yes meron pong ganyan. Yung feeling nila may tamang panahon para sa love. Awwwwwww. Aba kelan yun? Pag uugod ugod ka na at yung time mo e bitin na? O baka naman pag pang out of time ka na? Oist, sugod lang ng sugod.

3. Si parents kasi

Yes, factor din ang komyunidad na ginagalawan mo. Una, ayaw pa ni mader o pader na magkaron ka kahit 22 anyos ka na at kelangan umabot ka muna raw ng 40 bago magkaroon ng gf/bf. O kaya naman ikaw mismo! Takot sa sasabihin ni parents at ni kapitbahay na tsismosa sa magiging kasama mo. Aba ikaw na nga ba ang sabihan na.. Alam mo hindi kayo bagay. langit at lupa kayo. Awwwww. Payo ko sayo, Pakialam nila diba? Palibhasa inggit!

2. Traumatic Experience

Eto kalimitan ang reason ng marami. Ayaw ko na!!! takot na ako mangyari pa ang nangyari dati! O diba ang drama ng layp? Yes, tama ka. Eto yung dahil sa past relationship mo, e until na ayaw mo ng magkaroon at sinumpa mo na ata ang magmahal. Dahil sa pinagpalit ka sa mas pangit, okaya naman iniwan ka ng walang word na bye-bye, o dahil binugbog ka!,ano pa ba? Madami yan wag na nating isa isahin at baka tumulo si tears heheh Gayunpaman, eto lang masasabi ko mga hija at hijo. Ibat iba ang lasa ng pag-ibig. May mapait, may mapakla, may matamis at may maasim. Aba mapalad ka at natikman mo ang ibat ibang lasa nito. Kaya ikaw, Do not be afraid to fall in love again malay mo sweetiness na ang malasahin monext time. E di panalo ka sa lotto. Yan ang nagpapalakas sayo Yang ang bumubuhay sayo, ang pag-ibig. tsk! drama!

1. EX to the nth power

Oi aminin!!! LOVE parin si Ex kahit 1 or 2 yrs na ang nakakalipas. May ganito naman. Yung tipong ilang taon ang nakakalipas, hindi parin
makalimutan si ex. Yung pinagsamahan, yung tawanan, yung iyakan, at lahat ng nangyari sa inyo nung kayo pa. Malungkot man at sa kung
anumang kadahilanan, maganda man o masama ito, kelangan nyong magpaalasa isa’t isa. YES, after ay year sasabihin natin, im over him/her na, pero pag-usapan natin ang love at ang nangyari sa ating relastionship from the past, TADANNNNNNNNNNNNN, eto na, sya agad ang naalala mo. At habang nagkukwento ka, ouch may kirot, o kaya may ngiti at may bumabagabag sa ating kalooban. Ano kaya yun? AMININ mo na kasi MAHAL mo pa si EX. Isa lang ang masasabi ko, well mahirap sya kalimutan alam ko yan pero open your heart and makipagdate ka, lumabas ka, at try to entertain someone. Wag mo ikumpara si ex sa iba. At give urself KITKAT, take a break.

i’m sure you enjoyed it as much as I did. Hehe:)

It’s not a big secret that I am in love with Mo’s morning show, Good Times. One portion of the show that they do every monday which is Mo’s five complaints for the past week, I was inspired to copy that version of the show in my cynical blog in order to let out the negativity that visits my life every so often. SO I know present to you the top 5 things that has annoyed me in the past week,

word of caution: this is going to be a very hostile article. So yes I am not sweet all the time, I do get mad and I do get annoyed.

• Seat stealers

If you’re a huge fan of basketball and make it a point to watch everyonce in awhile, you will definitely encounter, the indominable seat stealer. The’yre the ones who argue with the usher insisting that that’s thier seats. It’s annoying because instead of watching basketball you have to stand waiting by the aisle distracting other people as well. Haay, when your ticket says 106 C, it’s NOT 105 C. Tsk Tsk.

• People who DON’T reply

When you waste a peso to text someone on something really important it’s kindda annoying if they don’t text back. Mind your manners.

• Plastic people who LIE ALL THE FREAKIN time

Most people say that I’m too frank and opinionated for my own good, but to those who say that here’s what I have to say: at least when you’re with me, you’re sure that I’m being honest and not lurking around some fake persona. If you don’t like me, then dont freakin talk to me and I’ll do the same.

• Another bunch of fake people who PRETEND to be involved in charities

That my friend is the lowest of the low. Period.

• Rude people who when you say hi to them turn their heads and roll thier eyes.

I should probably remind them that if they continue doing that their eyes would never go back to normal-ever again. That should scare them.

1) Get your younger brother’s halloween candy when he isn’t looking
– Because of the stupid trimester system that my school has I didn’t get to go trick or treat with my younger brother, his girlfriend and his girlfriend’s family. I got to go to the late one, but what’s the point of that? All of the candy were gone. So, what was last resort? Steal my younger brother’s candy (boy were they good!) and tell him that I gave away his candy since he’s too old for that when he finally asks where all of it went. Also remind him that giving is so much better than receving.

2) Be proud to say that you still get lost in the grocery store
-And I’m not saying this because I’m trying to be cute like some pathetic people, instead I am saying this because IT IS THE TRUTH. So, don’t let go of me in the supermarket or else you’d probably find me near the storage corner demading for new wheat bread and insisting that the one they have in the aisles are just plain old.

3) Scream like a four-year old when you see a rat in your school and refuse to use the bathroom unless they kill it
-To begin with, I DESPISE rats and any other crawly and icky things and having it in school is just plain GROSS. Schools are supposed to be CLEAN AND SAFE and having rats eliminates the two things they have to be immediately. S0 I do have the right to demand for every maintenance person I see to kill that stupid thing.

4) Go gaga over your basketball crush for seven years and not say a word when you finally talk to him. Instead you ask for TWO PICTURES with him instead of one, making you look like a serial stalker
– Yes, I’ve had a crush on rudy hatfield since FOREVER and yes seeing him makes me lose my train of thought and the proper use of the english language, not to mention grammar. But have you seen him lately? he’s like a filipino verision of vin diesel, only so much hotter. And the whole picture thing, that’s because my camera is stupid and not because one picture is not enough and also, he is the only basketball player that I’ve ever had a crush on. I’ve always said that soccer dudes are way hotter anyway.

5) Run away and clam up when the guy of your dreams finally talks to you
-AND i’m not referring to rudy hatfield here, I’m talking about someone else. he probably thinks that my personality matches that of a paper towel.

Looking at these things make me realize that YES I do have some growing up to do. But being a kid is so much fun, don’t you think?
midters week finally over, let us all rejoice!!:)