“If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” -James 4:16

If there’s something that God wants to tell me right now, it’s probably this cute thing from tumblr right here.

And that’s because I keep living my life for me.

Yes, I was pretty much self-centered, only it was clothed in a “victimized, poor me” story, but self-pity as quoted by one of my closest friends has pretty much the same effect as pride. Only reversed, but still it’s all about me.

It doesn’t change anything.

And if you’ve known me long enough, you know for one thing that there’s something that i’ve always wanted and I’ve been praying and wishing for it on every single holiday, every single new bridge that I pass and every single imaginative falling star (yes, even paper falling stars made by students).

And now at 21, I still don’t have it. I’d rather not elaborate on what it is, but i’m done trying. I’m done trying to make it on my own and I’m done daydreaming and making it all about me and what I want.

Because I have a Father who’s waiting for me to come home and focus on Him. I have a maker who’s waiting for me to sit still so He can work His magic in my life.

But wow, the thing I wanted is so alluring, but maybe only in my head.

Because so far, it has given me nothing but rejection, intense pain and another dose of self-pity (seriously, I needed another one of those?!)

So i’m sitting still so I can finally have the best life that Jesus died for me to have.

And when I say the best life, it doesn’t mean that I wake up a supermodel, the long lost Princess of Genovia or the President’s daughter.

You see in God’s amazing way of doing things, I can have the best life right now right here, just by being me.

And that’s shocking, because I’ve always thought that nothing in my life right now is cut out to measure up to being the “best”.

But God made me see that He has given me the best life according to the life that I’m living.

Okay that doesn’t make sense. It just means that this is where He placed me, with the family He wanted me to have and the right people, at the right time.

I guess we all keep forgetting that we’re here to serve God and be used for His purposes, any other life that is not according to what He planned out for us to have would be filled with pain and disappointment.

I hope this makes snese: It’s like building a really massive motorcycle that was meant to be the best motorcycle on the planet, but instead this motorcycle feels that he’d serve himself if he tries to become a super race car instead (what a loser!), so instead of becoming the best, he became second best, feeling that he was never good enough simply because he was trying to be someone he’s not.

I’ve been that stubborn motorcycle my entire life. And I want to give up and become the motorcyle (or whatever it is that He wants me to be) that I was designed to be the moment that I was born.

So there’s no more trying to fit a square into a circle.

This is it. This is me surrendering my life and giving it all up to Him.

That’s the only plan, as my sister, Denise said. With Jesus, there’s only one plan and i’m sticking with it!

A Highly Productive Day

Today was the first day that I went back to working out. One hour was enough to make me feel so good about life. For one thing, I was given the opportunity to workout again!

And I was able to tackle all of my lesson plans for next week and I was able to watch Everybody’s Fine with my mom, which is probably one of my favorite movies ever! Robert De Niro was simply lovely in this movie!

And oh, I realized this today: Focus on God and everything will be okay! 🙂

I was having a so-so day yesterday, but of course God works in mysterious ways and He led me to my favorite bookstore and possibly the place that I run to whenever I feel bad or I just want to feel good about life.

Gracia is my favorite OMF store person because she always shares with me her favorite books, favorite authors and yesterday, she gave me an insight on what may be happening in my life, without even knowing my life story.

That’s how Great our God is!

Gracia told me a story about a preacher who was dealing with an inner struggle, an inner fight that he was supposed to encourage people to overcome and he felt that he was no longer cut out because he kept going back to the dark.

And then his pastor friend said, “it’s your struggles that allow you to serve.”

Basically, it means that in order for us to serve people and glorify God, we must be able to relate to people and we must be constantly reminded that without God, we are nothing.

That’s God for you, everyday He gifts us with little miracles that remind us of How great and How amazing He is!

“The culture we have doesn’t make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say that if the culture doesn’t work, don’t buy it” – Morrie Schwartz

Society tells us lies everyday.

Society tells us we’re too fat.

Society tells us we’re not smart enough.

Society tells us we never have enough money.

Society tells us that we’re unloved.

Society tells us to believe that whatever has been said about us previously would become true in our lives.



That’s what society tells us. This is how we’re molded. This is how we’re wired and how we’re supposed to be.

That’s the reason why we’re filled with scars, we’re filled with deepseated envy and we’re filled with so much pain that’s our heavy heart is just meant to burst at one point.

I’ve been tangled in that mess and on most days, I still am. I still find myself threatened like Morrie Schwartz said, and that’s the reason why I become mean and I become greedy.

It’s not something that I’m proud of, but hopefully, this is the first step to me recognizing my own mistakes and trying to find a way to be more aware of my actions.

I don’t know exactly where it started, where this fascination with me started. And when I started sinking myself in self-pity.

I seriously don’t know where it began for me, but I guess tracing the steps of it would cause me to go back to my old neurotic ways once again.

So it’s best to understand who I used to be and take a step forever, hoping that the steps I take would lead me very far away from the person I used to be.

I’d like to think I have trust issues.

Because you know, when you’re threatened, you’d like to protect your turf and whoever threatens that turf isn’t worth a minute of your time and deserves to be destroyed.

So you block them out, you become catty, you do it ala Blair Waldorf. You fight mercilessely because you want your turf protected no matter what.

Now that I’m in my very early twenties, I’m slowly leaving that very dark place behind.

I’m slowly finding people who love me for who I am and I’m slowly trying to find my peace and fullness of joy in my relationship with God and my relationship with the people in my life, instead of material things.

It’s not the easiest thing, but greater is He who is in me than He is in the world.

Because everytime I think I’ve won, society shows up and bites me in you know where.

But whenever that happens and whenever i’m about to give up, I stand up again.

And eventhough I would like to resort to the person I used to be, I can’t. Because I’ve given up so much and I’ve transformed so much on the inside for me to just give up.

And because My Creator hates a quitter.

So no matter how many scars I have, it is covered by the blood. And God’s words overcomes all the lies of society. That’s why I’m sticking with Him.

That’s why I’m on His Team.

Because society fails but He never does.