October, November, December, January, February.
Thinking of you, the way i haven’t in months. Heal your heart, find me again.
Dear Good Morning Person in Singapore,
Uncategorized
hey you, mean girl.
every girl has a mean girl syndrome.
you know every single girl who has ever walked the face of the earth has succumbed to it, but that doesn’t mean that it makes sense.
it only means that at one point, you felt like you wanted to kill a girl just because of something as random as your guy texting her or you having the same outfit, or even something as simple as not liking how she looked at you.
i know i know, no girl is safe, every girl has gone through it and on less stellar reasons.
i look back on the catfights that i’ve had or the angry monologues about girls i hated just because they were stick thin and i wasn’t and i couldn’t help but shake my head.
i didn’t realize that i spent so many hours agonizing over what i didn’t have and over what she had. there’s so many rivalries in my lifetime and i was in constant competition with every girl i meet.
i’d even go as low as shoving someone in the mall just because i didn’t like the way she laughed or how she looked (but deep inside, i knew i was simply jealous because she was pretty and i wasn’t, however i defined pretty is not important).
and you know, i thought i was hurting them, i had so much insecurities and anger and pain inside that the only way i could relate to others was through negativity: bashing, criticism and backstabbing.
i could only admit it now because somehow, i’ve found the light through it all and the Lord has given me the grace to be able to see the real me, despite my weaknesses. because yes, He does tell us where we have to improve but at the same time, He does pour out His grace so we can change, but never without Him working in us.
it’s really more of a heart issue than anything. before you could stop backstabbing or stop trying to ruin someone’s reputation just because i want to hurt them the way that they hurt me, you have to look inside your heart and accept that, “yes i’m not perfect but it’s okay, i’m okay with me”
i’ve only come to this outstanding truth when a girl (who i’m actually cool with now) unbashedley blogged about me just because she thought i was “secretly” dating her boyfriend when in truth, i was actually helping him in repairing their relationship.
i guess it’s our love for drama and it also stems from insecurity. you know when a guy is wonderful, we readily want to fight off every girl that comes across his path and destroy them because we’re possesive like that.
it’s the way things are. it’s our protective instinct although at times, we do go overboard because we get our facts and our overactive imagination messed up. sometimes logic never hits the right spot and our worries are really more extreme than the situation at hand.
it’s a mystery to me, and i’m a girl, why we must always be the best in everything and why we must have the most number of suitors.
it’s probably the way society motivated us, but this is the age of the iPad (okay, i had to shove that in!) and girls are getting more degrees than men, so what’s there to prove?
it takes a lot to be secured, i get that. i still get fat days and you know, not every guy i meet likes me, but it’s okay. it’s okay that i’m not a size zero, it’s okay that i’m not considered a hot girl and most of my guy friends are just that, guy friends who see me more of a bro than a well you get it.
it’s okay that i’m not as mestiza as my sister. IT’S FREAKIN FINE.
because i’ve figured that if the Lord wanted me to be any of those things, He would have. but He didn’t and i don’t say that bitterly but instead i say it with pride that the Lord made me this way for a purpose (maybe become a spokesperson for those who are plain janes?) and i surrender everything because well, what else would be the other purpose of my life, right?
and when i truly recognized this truth, that’s when i saw the joy in living. the joy in appreciating where you are and what you have and although my love for fashion and everything in between has not declined, my desire to please people has left, my desire to be iest has flooded away and i’ve learned to love every inch of who God made me to be (yes including the fact that i tower over every single guy in a ten kilometer parameter).
and because i’ve accepted who God made me to be and who He designed me to be,my mean girl tendencies have flooded away.
but this doesn’t make me saint, i do have jealous fits and i still feel insecure after eating oreos (not just some, but all) and i still feel insulted after a fat joke is thrown, but before i let my insecurities win over me the way it used to so many times before, i let it go. instead, i focus on offering a smile instead.
and suprisingly, i’ve gotten along more with people and i know it’s a process and it doesn’t happen overnight, but you’d realize things changing and you’d just know that God is faithful because He is.
besides, which guy is worth all that self-destruction for?
unless you’re Ted Mosby, i highly doubt that any guy would be worth it.
Based on years of practice and Sweet Valley/Babysitter Club novels, goodbyes are supposed to be messy. There could only be one reason why we leave something behind and it’s this: if it causes discomfort or brings a lot of pain.
Everyone knows that my two year stint in Southville wasn’t perfect, there were parts that I’d rather delete and there were days where all I wanted was to stay in bed and just stay there until my world disappears. It was hell or boot camp for the most part but I wouldn’t trade it for anything because along the way there were little trinkets of heaven that manifested along the way, trinkets that i’d definitely cherish forever.
So now, two weeks left into my tenor in SISC, I couldn’t help but rethink the idea of goodbye because for the first time in two years, i’m actually enjoying this environment. I’m enjoying the students, my workmates and for once, I have a kindhearted boss who I don’t want to strangle 24/7.
There’s no pain, discomfort or negativity, in fact i’ve grown my own pseudo family in the four walls of this institution (okay, that doesn’t make it sound good!) and for the most part, I’ve gained friends that i’m so comfortable with that bursting into a Barney song at 3 PM is not unusual.
There are not so nice people that I’m no longer afraid of and I’ve gotten a hang of them and their nasty attitudes that I know how to deal with them without strangling them to their demise.
But at the same time, in as much as i love SISC and the people i’ve met through it, I couldn’t help but note that I didn’t say that I loved the job.
Being efficient at something doesn’t make you love it.
You know, Dawson was perfect for Joey, they were good together, but it doesn’t mean that Joey loved Dawson. That was reserved for Pacey, something so wrong for her and still it made perfect sense.
That’s how I feel about my work in SISC.
I meet my deadlines, go beyond what i’m supposed to do but I don’t love it. I don’t wake up in the morning and rush to work, excited for what i’m supposed to do.
My heart would always belong to teaching and parts of it would be dedicated to marketing, you know the kind of marketing that makes you think.
There’s nothing wrong with it, it could be another person’s Pacey, but for me, it’s not something that I can do six days a week, eight hours a day.
It’s just not what God wants me to do.
Leaving something bad and ugly is hard on some level but leaving something beautiful is challenging and difficult because you want to make sure that you don’t regret anything and you don’t derail from the plan that the Lord has for you.
Weeks and months of prayer led me to this decision and although people may be curious as to why i’m leaving, as if there’s some nasty gossip looming behind, but in truth, there’s none.
Instead, i do leave a piece of my heart hidden in the purple, green and pink spectrum that is SISC and I do wish people there (even the ones i want to choke) with nothing but good things.
And as I close this entry, I now do so without a heavy heart. It’s time to transition and i’m just blessed to do the things that my heart desires.
Goodbye purple, green and pink, it was a good run indeed!
a tit for tat
i’m on fasting this week so no facebook and twitter.
**
there should be more guys like Grant Desme. Google him.
**
i was on leave for six days and wow, i was missing out on a lot!
back to the day when lance wasn’t gay and britney was miley
i wouldn’t call the 90’s as the best decade ever but considering the fact that it was the only decade that i fully got to enjoy aside from the 00’s, i’d like to think that it was pretty awesome.
imagine life without cher’s “W” whatevers, boybands, cheesy music (playing now on my radio is Lisa Loeb’s Stay, ain’t that a freakin classic!), hightop sketchers (please if you still have that, throw it away), the perfect teenage dramas (dawson’s creek, saved by the bell, popular and you know the deal), great chick flicks (where are you, she’s all that?) and a wide array of good looking boys.
the 90’s, most especially the late 90’s was the time that pop culture reigned and britney spears was so perfect every girl wanted to be her!
now as i listen to old school hits, i do so with a hint of nostalgia taking me back to the time that three way calling was a way of life, having a cellphone was luxiourous and the coolest place to be was Glorietta 4 playing Dance Dance Revolution.
i’m all for moving forward but there are days when you just want to look back on the good old days and shake your head thinking, “where did it all go?”
now it’s all about cellphones, the landline is silent for days end and Glorietta 4 is passe. Lance Bass is indeed gay and Britney Spears is a whacko.
sometimes i sigh for this generation, sad that they didn’t get to experience dancing to 5,6,7,8 or the beautiful wonders of Tamagotchi but I guess they have thier own thing now.
They’re more into expressing themselves through angry music and blogs. but i guess time would come when they too would look back and sigh over the good times.
it’s kindda funny, now i understand what my parents feel when they hear an old song on the radio, they get this dreamy look on thier face and it seems like they’re transported back to where they were when that song was cool.
i get it now because i bet right now, while basking in 90’s music, i have the exact same face.
An essential goodbye
I’ve been meaning to write about this goodbye for the longest time.
Well, I’ve been tinkering with the idea of it since I filed for my resignation but writing about it made it real and for the longest time, you can say that I was in denial eventhough it was my decision.
You know we can be perfectly rational about decisions and we can tell ourselves that it’s the right thing to do, that it’s what God wants us to do but our emotions, they have a life of their own.
I entered SISC after my short stint in a clothing company when I was 19 and the two years have passed without me even realizing it.
I could remember my interview like it was yesterday and through God’s grace, I could remember only the good parts and how much I’ve changed because of the bad ones.
Without being specific, I lost my heart
(and my head) and found it again. I lost myself and found myself, a smarter better person.
I’ve fought unecessary battles, won some, lost a lot and most importantly, I’ve gained so many friends and found soulmates that I’m planning to keep for te rest of my life.
And I sit here, I couldn’t help but feel nostalgic about leaving this chapter of my life. It was like an extension of my college years and I could only move forward from here.
This goodbye won’t be easy but it’s the only step necessary.
Thank you SISC for the two years, you’ll definitely have a special placen in my heart.
so now with a smile on my face I ask this question, come on life where’s our next adventure?
It’s not the world’s love story, but it’s mine.
It’s quite impossible to explain because it’s not what society dictates, it cannot be fully explained by the human mind that’s why it’s considered to be foolish.
But that’s how my God works, He can put two seemingly different individuals and make magic happen the only way He can!
And this magic does not include a story line comparable to Dawson and Joey’s but it’s one that’s crafted for you and me, it’s not a relationship but both of us cannot deny that it’s from Him because whenever I think of you, I thank Him.
Looking back, it’s always been crafted to become a great love story! Come on! Meeting you minutes after reading Dear John?!!!
That doesn’t happen twice in a lifetime.
There’s no ending to this story yet and still I thank Him for it because who else in the world but the master storyteller write a story this good?
A story that doesn’t include incessant relationship drama, but a sense of security in knowing that God brought you together and he can bring you together when the time is right.
So run free, do what God wants you to do at this point and when the time is right, we will see each other again and darling trust me when I say it will be better than the last time.
crash and burn.
despite the optimistic ra ra ra at the beginning of the week and how sure i was that i was going to have a wonderful week, i didn’t.
and it was pretty much a huge crash because i had a wonderful first week of january and then things just snowballed from there.
it was an epic fail week, to say the least and from this standpoint, i’m not sure if anything today would actually make it otherwise.
for one thing, i can’t make one decision about my job. yes, i filed for my resignation but other things may or may not fall into place and i’m at a dead again.
seriously, dead end at 21. i wish i didn’t slave away my college years making good grades when in fact the world was shitty and opportunities didn’t line up.
i really need to start applying but i have no idea how to. i mean i think the only way to get promoted these days is to suck serious arse (in the Philippines at the very least) and that’s the very thing i detest.
also, i never seem to like normal, rational guys. i always like shitty ones who can’t keep promises and who only show up when they need something.
i’d like to think that i’m too young to be stuck at a dead end job and with a dozen cats. i’m too young to think the world has given up on me, but at this very moment, i think i have finally given up on the world.
the best damned thing
The best thing is knowing that every smile, every sparkle, every thought, every idea is meant for you.
That maybe, just maybe, this brilliant person was sent for you and only for you.
And it’s a WONDERFUL feeling because eversince my fascination with everything Hilary Duff (you know those movies where she always ends up with the good looking british dudes), I’ve always imagined myself being in her shoes: you know the not cheerleader-getting-the-guy-that-was-really-meant-to-be-with-cheerleader.
But it’s more than that, it’s knowing that through all the shitty things that has happened before, you’d gladly do it again because it led you to this moment with this person.
And i’m not so sure about it lasting forever because I’m only 21 but this feeling of being appreciated for who you are and no one else is amazing.
It’s simple, not complicated and for the first time in my life, I’d like to leave it at that.
It makes you happy so just go ahead and enjoy it.
And it does make sense to enjoy it because it’s something you’ve been waiting for for quite sometime now.
It just proves the miracles that God can do and it really has nothing to do with how I look, which part of the world I’m in or what i’m wearing.
The only question is really is if it’s part of His will and maybe for this moment in time, this lucky time I get to spend with this person is meant to be enjoyed and nothing else.
It does pay to dream well.
Sprinkles and Sparkles
Here’s the thing:
There are no rules, no games, no formulas.
There’s just that intense attraction you feel and that silly amount of joy in you heart that could mean nothing but endorphins working overtime.
But still it feels GOOD. And in my life, there’s been a lot of that, you know those little crushes that mean nothing and there’s
THIS…
This feeling of not overanalyzing anything , of not wanting anything more but harmless banter and laughter on the side.
It’s endearing because it’s the first time I felt something like this.
Just something that makes you believe that maybe each day could truly get better, that you could truly smile despite monsterous deadlines and just have your heart skip a beat over possibilities.
It’s a good feeling to be happy for today and the fact that sprinkles and sparkles were added onto it.
