As I gave myself a break over the weekend, I couldn’t help but realize that everywhere I turned, something reminded me of KC. KC was a wonderful childhood friend, whom at 16 was killed at a fire that blazed through her house almost a year ago. With all the frenzy college life has brought in, memories of KC hardly come though I remember her every single day since she left. But last weekend was different, last weekend it was as if this gateway I kept locked opened and suddenly all the memories flooded in one by one.
While I was watching Brothers Grimm last Saturday, I remembered the time when KC, Camille and I were eleven and the G4 cinemas were fairly new, Blairwitch was the movie to see and it was the first time we went to the movies without the ‘rents. Back then we were so proud that we tricked the ticket lady into thinking that we were thirteen. We hated the movie and spent the entire time snickering about the couple who were making out behind us. I also remember the times we’d spend lazy afternoons at her place and she’d always insist on doing dreadlocks on my hair using tin foils, she always told me that she knew how to do it but I knew she didn’t. We played with her huge collection of Barbie Dolls I recall, whenever we’d get bored with that we’d troop from her house to CSA to simply stare at the clouds or play with the field and cover ourselves in mud, that was our idea of fun. My first taxi without the rents experience was with also with KC, we managed to break away from school, along with our other friends and rode a taxi from CSA to Glorietta, another thing we were proud of.. until her older brother Christopher caught her and brought her home. I thought my KC memories ended there but even after I was entertained by the movie and was about to have dinner with my family, memories continued to manifest its ways in the weirdest of places.
On the way to the restaurant where my family and I would have dinner, I caught a glimpse of two kids playing air hockey in Timezone and remembered the time wherein KC and I would spend hours playing doubles with Daisy and Carmina ,of endlessly walking around the mall, hoping to find something to buy, but instead we ended up eating. Another thing KC always nagged me about was my weight, at eleven and in fifth grade, KC and I tried numerous ways of losing weight. In her trademark KC smirk she’d always tell me whenever she caught me munching chocolates from her trusty refrigerator, “Bianca, that’s why you’re so fat eh, you keep on eating eh!” KC introduced me to all kinds of diets, including one that consisted of fruits such as dried grapes and Kiwi, I always told her I was following the same diet, but in reality, I wasn’t. KC introduced me to Starbucks, Gurlpages, email, the internet, Sixpence none the richer, Freddie Prinze JR., Dawson’s Creek, Full House reruns and Sweet Valley Senior Year. I also remembered her proudly telling me that she only used three shirts a year, including a gray Beauty and the Beast shirt that was so worn out. This was coming from a girl who had a million and one designer clothes left unused in her closet, KC was the first modest rich person I knew. And even till now, whenever I’d encounter people who always managed to remind people of what expensive things they had, I’d always tell myself, “KC had every right to brag and yet she never did.”
KC and I were geeks, we’d talk hours on the phone discussing everything and anything under the sun. A lot of books have been shuffled between us and autograph books wherein KC would always tell me to live life to the fullest in those cheesy dedication pages, KC also never let a day pass by without teasing me to my then crush. KC loved Britney Spears and she lent me her second album while telling me that Britney Spears wasn’t lame and neither was she for liking Britney Spears. We never got to play Dance Dance Revolution in public because we were too shy, although I know KC was never shy. She simply put on an exterior that pretended that she was but KC was always tough. She never cared about what people said about her and managed to live her own life without caring about other people’s business, whenever I’m faced with a problem that concerned people saying things about me, KC would always say, “Bianx… It’s not a big deal” and somehow, I believed her. KC was funny, loved teasing people as much as I did and she always gave me advice on my then “love life” (in fact, she never failed to tease me to my then crush every single day). KC was lotsa fun, she was real and didn’t mind joining me in all the geeky things I so loved doing.
Ever since KC passed ten months ago, this is the only time I allowed myself to relish all of these memories and this is the first time that I didn’t force myself to stop because it didn’t seem real, it hurt too much or because I felt guilt. You see, after I left CSA to transfer to a different school, KC and I lost contact for awhile. Looking back, it made me feel guilty to lose touch with such a wonderful friend, but I guess we both were too caught up with our own high school lives that it must’ve slipped our mind. And yet, we got reconnected in the middle of my sophomore year and an exchange of text messages was once again shuffled between us. We always vowed to meet up with each other … unfortunately, she wasn’t available the weekend we decided to meet up. KC was gone forever. KC’s last message to me was a quote (sent a week before she passed) that thanked me for being there, not just when things are up and running but also when things aren’t going so well. This leads me to a quote she sent me in fifth grade during the height of quotes and text messages, “ A lot of people would want to ride with you in your limo, but me? I’d take the bus with you when your limo breaks down and all of them has gone” And now when I think about it, KC was truly that kind of person.
KC, at eleven was my soul mate. She understood me and my many quirks, never judging me, we never ran out of things to say to each other and somehow, numerous secrets have been passed between us. There was a time wherein all my middle school friends turned their back on me and yet I remember there was one person who stayed, KC. I don’t want people to think that KC is perfect, she wasn’t and she was never ashamed to admit that. KC had insecurities but she knew her way around it, KC always focused on the positive and never the negative. That is how I always want to remember KC. I don’t remember her as Joe De Venecia’s daughter or the girl who had radical colors in her hair or as I always put it, the girl KC was in high school. KC, to me would always be that smart girl who always had something to say in fifth grade, who always had a joke ready and just like me, unsure of herself. Kristina Casimira Perez De Venecia was a real friend, no words could ever describe how truly wonderful and real she was.
As I end this entry, I no longer find tears in my eyes, instead I feel happiness. I now found a way to share with people how incredible KC truly was, and she was incredible because of who she was and not what family she came from or her money, KC knew everything about treating people right. Now, despite still the many questions in my mind, I think I may know the reason why she was called home too soon. It’s simply because her mission on earth has ended and she has already given everything she had to everyone, her love, her life and most of all the courage to be one’s self completely. KC, from the start was never like the rest which is why, to me and I hope for the rest of the lives she’d touched, she would be that imperfect, rebellious, unique and beautiful angel. One I’d never forget for the years to come for it was KC who truly inspired me to live.

It’s amazing to think that just last weekend, my heart was totally crushed and I felt the need to go back to the “hole”. But after a week into the second semester (meaning that a lot of schoolwork and readings and reports have been bombarded into our faces) I just woke up and realized that i’m over it. No matter how crappy he is or whatever it was he did to me, I just realized that I just wanted to let it go. By letting it go, I don’t mean that I’m going to jump into something as complicated as that. By letting go, it just means that Ijust want to live my life and MOVE ON. I’ve been trying to for the longest time, but I haven’t been sucessful. But i’m putting my foot down. I really have to move on. There’s nothing left for me to do. Trust me. Nothing.
Its time for me to give myself a break..
once and for all.

My ipod’s confusing me. I should’ve just asked someone to do it for me. Gurr.. No i have to survive a few days without it.. Gurr… Gurr… Gurr…

I was supposed to do my marketing practice homework this morning when my dropped me off really early for my eleven forty five class but guess what I did? Yes, I started wasting my time trying to fix my xanga site and posting a bunch of nonsense on this one. I have no idea what happened to me, its like I’ve lost my ability to FEEL. I read my first blog, the ones that truly captured my senior year (unauthorized.blogdrive.com) and I am surprised by that person. She was so emotional and had so much to give, she had so much hope and passion for … well, love. I just look at myself now and I realize that I no longer believe in sucha beautiful thing. Well, I don’t think i’m the one to blame right? After all the crap i’ve been through and all the rejection I dont think I would want to go through that again. Getting hurt means that you’re alive, well i’m pretty damn know how alive I am. Hahahha. Don’t get me wrong, I so want to feel that kind of passion again, I’m just hoping that the next time I do…
it wouldn’t hurt so much anymore.

I seriously expected the second term to be so much better than the first. Okay, okay I know i shouldn’t conclude anything yet since the first week hasn’t ended yet, but still I can’t help it. A lot has changed. I really can’t get into detail but yeah… a lot has changed.

boo-hoo.

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
You want to change the world
There’s nothing to it
Come with me
And you’ll be in a world of pure imagination
Take a look and you’ll see into your imagination
We’ll begin with a spin
Traveling in a world of my creation
What you’ll see will defy explanation
If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
You want to change the world
There’s nothing to it
Thre is no life i know
To compare with pure imagination
Living there you’ll be free
If you truly wish to be

I always read the first few chapters of this book called “forgive and forget, healing the hurts we don’t deserve” but I never got around to finishing it. (Sadly, Harry Potter seems more appealing to me at this point). But what I always remember from this book is that it taught me a thing or two about forgiving. We cannot forgive someone who has hurt us, but we can choose to let it go. Well, over the weekend that’s what I’ve done. You see inasmuch as the Lord has blessed me by sending me to SFC, the tyrants would always be there. By this, I mean the people who work day and night to piss me off. You see there is this one particular group at my school, a group I’ve never had conversations with and yet they loathe the sight of me. I have no idea for all this childish hatin’ and while venting out to my mom yesterday, I couldn’t help but feel a rage of anger. These people (oh how I wish I could say their names!) keep on belittling me and a friend of mine. Why? Well, maybe because they think we are not rich, pretty or popular enough. Whatever, this is not how I want to be judged. I don’t want to be judged based on my these superficialities, but then again I am not like most people (which is why I’m often classified as “odd”) but still rejection, whatever form and where it comes from, hurts. I was so mad and of course resorted to making sumbong to my much loved trust worthy friends, but then a conversation with Ces made me realize a few things.
The Lord has blessed me with so much. And despite a few setbacks, He Has manifested in my life and being mad at these people would only seem ungrateful. The Purpose Driven Life said that we should love the people who are “unlovable”. It’s the hardest thing in the world and I’m a far cry from loving them, but I am ignoring them. For the people who’ve known me and my temper when it comes to these things, they might find this impossible, but the Lord has changed me. I must admit, I am still ticked off by these people and I constantly think, “Who the hell are they to judge me?” but then I stop myself. I’d rather focus on the beauty that this life has offered me, I cannot have it all, but I’ll take whatever is given. To these girls who cannot help but dislike me, well, its your problem, not mine. I just hope that us not liking each other is enough, I hope you don’t go about and spread things about me, not that people would care to listen since we’re in COLLEGE. I just hope you live your “extravagantly” beautiful lives and leave me and my weirdness in our lonesome. I hope you find happiness, cause from my point of view that is what your life sourly lacks. Oh yeah, thank you because now I know how cruel people can truly be and yet despite that I stand strong. 🙂

I’ve been having dreams lately. A lot of them involving people from both the past and the present. Having people from my present doesn’t really scare me. What scares me is having people from the past. Having one particular person from my past haunt me. We’re friends now, which is how it should be. But for the past few days I’ve been caught in the middle of a web of ironies and coincidences and in a way, its pulling me back. The emotions im feeling right now are scaring me. I don’t want to get into something that could considerably hurt me again. I want to enjoy the company of my friends and family and take care of myself. I want to be with him, but if the Lord’s plan does not include Him, then I shall let go. For the past three years its been sucha mess and I’ve hurt people on the way as well. I just want to let go, I think we deserve better.
Speaking of people from my present. Its funny, three months have passed and I haven’t felt a wave of “ero” emotions (as Arvin puts it). But I must be honest, I’ve been attracted to someone and although its not harmful… it could be distracting. At the beginning of the year when I promised myself that I don’t want to involve myself anymore, I didn’t realize that I meant it. In as much as I would want to get lost again in a wave of emotions.. I stop myself because this time I’ve set my priorities and I know which comes first. Again, there goes the law of equilibrium. One must go up and one must go down, I’m willing to sacrifice my love life. And yes, the mush in me still believes that someday, when the time is right… My Prince in a white horse would come save me. Not that I need saving, but then again, that is another story. *wink*

Finals is finally over. Its been three days since my last Final and still I still haven’t fully recovered from it. It was a far cry from how finals were conducted before in my dear alma mater. It was so so different. It felt like a challenge, but I know that they only way I got through with it was because of the Lord’s strength. It was only because of Him that I was able to get through all the information into my head.
So first term is over. Three months just passed and it still feels like yesterday. I am now recharging by reading Harry Potter and the half blood prince (omg! I can’t stop reading! Hahaha) and watching watching watching (I so <3 <3 veronica mars… hahaha!), things I can’t spend much time on when the second term starts.
You know what? Its so important to be able to enjoy what you’re doing and call me a geek, but I so love studying.
Hahaha… 😉

The bells were ringing…
my world was spinning
my mind was frozen.
there has been a moment like this once before
and it didn’t end so well.



but I must admit, the feeling isn’t so bad,
its just scary that’s all.
i missed feeling this way.
it just scares the hell out of me.
something so beautiful,
eventually turns out ugly in the end.
so i’d turn away from this for now,
i’m not ready for that yet.