Mood: pressured.
Voice in my head: “it’s okay, all work best for the greater good”
Current state of my heart: hurt, greiving.. alone.

It has often been said that a blog should be able to tell what is currently going on in the life of the “blogger” and I swear, that was the objective of this blog, to rely in any manner what was going on in my life, no matter how soggy, how happy or how dramatic. But as I’ve fished through the past entries of my so-called blog I have realized that maybe, in one way or another I have not reached that goal.

I am hurt. I have been betrayed more times in the past two months than I can imagine. When I entered college I seriosuly thought that I would gain all the best friendships in the world, but as Kara has said that friendships are hard to come along most especially in college when the playing field is so damn competitive. I would rather not stress on this fact, but the current state of my college life in terms of friendships is this,

The people whom I thought who would always be there for me head on betrayed me and turned thier backs on me for a reason that I don’t know of. If they would just come up to me and say why they think I’m such a bitch then I wouldn’t sulk as much. It’s not that I’m sad that they’ve all turned thier backs on me, I’m just annoyed because I spent about a year on my life investing in something that wouldn’t even last. Some friends.

I’ve been in touch with my highschool friends more often now. I know there has been a time wherein I “cooconed” and didn’t talk to anyone but now times have changed. A friend once said that the greatest of friends can be found in your highschool friends and I’ve proven just that. I do miss them and now that we’ve tested the waters maybe its time to get together and keep in touch once again. Nothing beats old friends is so true.

I am once again stuck in a transition phase in my life, it’s like I am so sick and tired of the things that I used to love and admire. I never use my multiply site because I now realize that people who are not even concerned about you suddenly find the need to jump into your life by looking at special pictures, so for those of you who still try to add me as a contact don’t bother I hate multiply. Also, friendster has annoyed me as well but I will not stop visiting since that’s how I manage to keep in touch with my old friends and people I hardly see, it serves a good purpose. I love myspace, its the one thing that I am currently not annoyed at and my blog of course.

So other than those things mentioned above, I’m pretty happy.

I guess that’s life.

I better just eat away my problems.

The best solution to this do drum life?
Strawberry Shortcake from Conti’s, that can put a smile on my face anytime at anyday.:)

It;s not even eleven o’clock today and I’ve had laughed more than I have over the weekend. To begin with a good friend of mine, Kara sent me an email about this website, “crush calculator” it pretty much works like the much famous love calculator back in the day but I was fooled becaus I typed in the name of the man of my dreams and it got sent to Kara instead. I’m now horrified, there goes my pact of not liking “players”. (I’m not telling you which game they play, I’m giving away too much already).
***
After humiliating myself, I decided to turn away from karen’s laptop and see what my classmates were up to. Apparently they were talking about the much loved and missed “pop era”. I swear to you, everyone was throwing in an Nsync Song or a Spice Girls song, some even sang a BSB song. And of course that’s where the argument begun because even if my dream boy, Lance Bass turns out to be wishing to be my gender, I am still in love with the whole idea of Nsync.
***
Another humiliating stunt I pulled today: I am a fan of hilary duff. Well, I really am but I guess it isn’t such a good idea to announce it in class, I’m supposed to be a college student anyway. It might now also be such a good idea to announce that you’re in love with zac efron and you think high school musical rocks. That would make everyone look at you and think you’re crazy.
***
Also it’s best not to announce to your class that your single because you believe so much in destiny, another wave of weird looks came my way after that announcement.
***
I just had the best christmas chocolate ever and it was only ten pesos! Yahoo!

Life and its small pleasures… you just can’t get enough.

I was going through my mail today and I came across this interesting email that I got from my friend, Jillie. It’s funny and I can relate to it, I think the reason why I’m still single is because of number ten. How about you? hehe;)

11. Destiny Adik

Eto yung mga naghihintay kay “Destiny” na gumawa ng paraan para pagtagpuin sila ng kanilang mga “partner in life”.. ayannn… kapapanood nyo ng “Serendipity” eh feeling nila ang nangyari sa movie eh mangyayari rin sa kanilasuch a cliche.. hindi ba nila alam na kung walang effort destiny is useless.

10. Perfectionist/Mapili

Yes, isang taong perpeksiyonista. Yung tipong dapat ganito ang magiging kapartner ko. Pag may nakilala, nakita lang na pangit ang kuko o may dumi lang, turn-off na agad. O kaya ang daming ayaw. Ayaw sa mabait boring daw, gusto bad boy/ pilya pero kapag pinaiyak ka tatanungin ka bakit ang sama mo bakit mo nagawa yun! Adik ka ba?! Ayaw sa cute, ayaw din naman sa panget. meron dyan gusto ka ayaw mo naman.. ung gusto mo halos magtambling ka pero deadma parin yang stunts mO sa kanya! Pasaway ka rin e! Ano ba talaga kuya?

9. Busy Busyhan

Opo, eto yung ang mundo e gumagalaw lang sa libro at ballpen kung estudyante ka o kaya naman sa computer at files kung office staff ka. Yung tipong aalis ng bahay ng alas 6 o alas 7 ng umaga at uuwi ng bahay ng 6 hanggang alas 8 ng gabi [baligtad naman para sa mga nag tratrabaho sa (call center). Sabay tulog na. Kapag sabado masaya na sila sa tv, sa pagkain na niluluto ni mama at sa linggo naman sisimba at maghahanda na ng kelangan para sa lunes hanggang byernes. Pssssst.. pause for awhile.

8. Friendship Theory

Ano naman ito? Eto yung ang buhay ay kay bestfriend o kaya kay special friend na hindi masasabi sabi sa friendship nya sa loob ng kanilang mahabang panahon na pagsasama dahil baka daw maapektuhan ang pakikipagkaibigan at iwasan sya. Yung tipong pag may kasama si
friendship na iba, nagseselos na wala naman sa lugar, pero syempre wag pahalata, kunyari happy sya for friendship. ABA! Oi lakasan mo ang loob at baka mamaya forever mong pagsisihan yan kaw rin. Minsan pa naman pareho kayong naghihintayan.. hmmp!

7. Born-to-be-one (Autistic)

Eto yung nasa palad na ang pagiging single daw. Walang reasons. Basta lang nabuhay sya sa mundo na mag-isa at feeling nya mamatay sya sa
mundo ng mag-isa. Kesyo magmamadre o magpapari na lang. Asa kang tatanggapin ka pa noh!

6. Happy-go-lucky

Eto yung taong walang alam kundi kasiyahan at trippings. Kahit sino nalang basta no string attach. For fun lang daw… Walang halong
seryosohan. ABA hoy! yang init ng katawan mo e ikiskis mo nalang sa pader. Makakahanap ka rin ng katapat mo!!!

5. Wrong Place

May nakaranas na ba nito? Yung pakiramdam mo nasa ibang mundo ka. Yung ang nakakaharap mo e yung mga hindi mo gusto, yung mga hindi mo hinahanap. Alam mo yun? Halimbawa nasa ibang bansa ka, pero ang hinahanap mo e yung amoy ng nasa sariling bayan mo. O kaya naman e nasa sarili mong bayan ka, nasa normal na lipunan, pero ikaw ang abnormal at hindi mo kayang sabihin na abnormal din ang hanap mo kung ayaw mong ibitin ka nila ng patiwarik.

4. Wrong Time

Eto yung mga tao na sinasabi na, hindi pa ako ready e bata pa kasi ako o kaya naman hindi pa ako handa sa panahong ito, wala pa ako kayang
ipagmalaki. Yes meron pong ganyan. Yung feeling nila may tamang panahon para sa love. Awwwwwww. Aba kelan yun? Pag uugod ugod ka na at yung time mo e bitin na? O baka naman pag pang out of time ka na? Oist, sugod lang ng sugod.

3. Si parents kasi

Yes, factor din ang komyunidad na ginagalawan mo. Una, ayaw pa ni mader o pader na magkaron ka kahit 22 anyos ka na at kelangan umabot ka muna raw ng 40 bago magkaroon ng gf/bf. O kaya naman ikaw mismo! Takot sa sasabihin ni parents at ni kapitbahay na tsismosa sa magiging kasama mo. Aba ikaw na nga ba ang sabihan na.. Alam mo hindi kayo bagay. langit at lupa kayo. Awwwww. Payo ko sayo, Pakialam nila diba? Palibhasa inggit!

2. Traumatic Experience

Eto kalimitan ang reason ng marami. Ayaw ko na!!! takot na ako mangyari pa ang nangyari dati! O diba ang drama ng layp? Yes, tama ka. Eto yung dahil sa past relationship mo, e until na ayaw mo ng magkaroon at sinumpa mo na ata ang magmahal. Dahil sa pinagpalit ka sa mas pangit, okaya naman iniwan ka ng walang word na bye-bye, o dahil binugbog ka!,ano pa ba? Madami yan wag na nating isa isahin at baka tumulo si tears heheh Gayunpaman, eto lang masasabi ko mga hija at hijo. Ibat iba ang lasa ng pag-ibig. May mapait, may mapakla, may matamis at may maasim. Aba mapalad ka at natikman mo ang ibat ibang lasa nito. Kaya ikaw, Do not be afraid to fall in love again malay mo sweetiness na ang malasahin monext time. E di panalo ka sa lotto. Yan ang nagpapalakas sayo Yang ang bumubuhay sayo, ang pag-ibig. tsk! drama!

1. EX to the nth power

Oi aminin!!! LOVE parin si Ex kahit 1 or 2 yrs na ang nakakalipas. May ganito naman. Yung tipong ilang taon ang nakakalipas, hindi parin
makalimutan si ex. Yung pinagsamahan, yung tawanan, yung iyakan, at lahat ng nangyari sa inyo nung kayo pa. Malungkot man at sa kung
anumang kadahilanan, maganda man o masama ito, kelangan nyong magpaalasa isa’t isa. YES, after ay year sasabihin natin, im over him/her na, pero pag-usapan natin ang love at ang nangyari sa ating relastionship from the past, TADANNNNNNNNNNNNN, eto na, sya agad ang naalala mo. At habang nagkukwento ka, ouch may kirot, o kaya may ngiti at may bumabagabag sa ating kalooban. Ano kaya yun? AMININ mo na kasi MAHAL mo pa si EX. Isa lang ang masasabi ko, well mahirap sya kalimutan alam ko yan pero open your heart and makipagdate ka, lumabas ka, at try to entertain someone. Wag mo ikumpara si ex sa iba. At give urself KITKAT, take a break.

i’m sure you enjoyed it as much as I did. Hehe:)

It’s not a big secret that I am in love with Mo’s morning show, Good Times. One portion of the show that they do every monday which is Mo’s five complaints for the past week, I was inspired to copy that version of the show in my cynical blog in order to let out the negativity that visits my life every so often. SO I know present to you the top 5 things that has annoyed me in the past week,

word of caution: this is going to be a very hostile article. So yes I am not sweet all the time, I do get mad and I do get annoyed.

• Seat stealers

If you’re a huge fan of basketball and make it a point to watch everyonce in awhile, you will definitely encounter, the indominable seat stealer. The’yre the ones who argue with the usher insisting that that’s thier seats. It’s annoying because instead of watching basketball you have to stand waiting by the aisle distracting other people as well. Haay, when your ticket says 106 C, it’s NOT 105 C. Tsk Tsk.

• People who DON’T reply

When you waste a peso to text someone on something really important it’s kindda annoying if they don’t text back. Mind your manners.

• Plastic people who LIE ALL THE FREAKIN time

Most people say that I’m too frank and opinionated for my own good, but to those who say that here’s what I have to say: at least when you’re with me, you’re sure that I’m being honest and not lurking around some fake persona. If you don’t like me, then dont freakin talk to me and I’ll do the same.

• Another bunch of fake people who PRETEND to be involved in charities

That my friend is the lowest of the low. Period.

• Rude people who when you say hi to them turn their heads and roll thier eyes.

I should probably remind them that if they continue doing that their eyes would never go back to normal-ever again. That should scare them.

1) Get your younger brother’s halloween candy when he isn’t looking
– Because of the stupid trimester system that my school has I didn’t get to go trick or treat with my younger brother, his girlfriend and his girlfriend’s family. I got to go to the late one, but what’s the point of that? All of the candy were gone. So, what was last resort? Steal my younger brother’s candy (boy were they good!) and tell him that I gave away his candy since he’s too old for that when he finally asks where all of it went. Also remind him that giving is so much better than receving.

2) Be proud to say that you still get lost in the grocery store
-And I’m not saying this because I’m trying to be cute like some pathetic people, instead I am saying this because IT IS THE TRUTH. So, don’t let go of me in the supermarket or else you’d probably find me near the storage corner demading for new wheat bread and insisting that the one they have in the aisles are just plain old.

3) Scream like a four-year old when you see a rat in your school and refuse to use the bathroom unless they kill it
-To begin with, I DESPISE rats and any other crawly and icky things and having it in school is just plain GROSS. Schools are supposed to be CLEAN AND SAFE and having rats eliminates the two things they have to be immediately. S0 I do have the right to demand for every maintenance person I see to kill that stupid thing.

4) Go gaga over your basketball crush for seven years and not say a word when you finally talk to him. Instead you ask for TWO PICTURES with him instead of one, making you look like a serial stalker
– Yes, I’ve had a crush on rudy hatfield since FOREVER and yes seeing him makes me lose my train of thought and the proper use of the english language, not to mention grammar. But have you seen him lately? he’s like a filipino verision of vin diesel, only so much hotter. And the whole picture thing, that’s because my camera is stupid and not because one picture is not enough and also, he is the only basketball player that I’ve ever had a crush on. I’ve always said that soccer dudes are way hotter anyway.

5) Run away and clam up when the guy of your dreams finally talks to you
-AND i’m not referring to rudy hatfield here, I’m talking about someone else. he probably thinks that my personality matches that of a paper towel.

Looking at these things make me realize that YES I do have some growing up to do. But being a kid is so much fun, don’t you think?
midters week finally over, let us all rejoice!!:)

“The world is full of guys. Don’t be a guy, BE A MAN”.:-)

I love kindergarten. You want to know why? Simply because of the fact that girls and guys can be friends with each other without thinking of cooties or being more than friends.

Everything was so simple back then and I wonder most of the time where all those simplicity has gone once grade school has entered the picture.

The thing with me is this: I’m generally close to guys.

Some may regard me as a flirt or something else more demeaning but the fact of the matter is that I grew up a daddy’s girl and literally grew up with guys. I don’t have girl cousins and my dad’s job has created an environment for me that was mostly dominated by males. This is the reason why I am at ease with guys and get along with them better.

Plain and Simple. I’m just close to guys and see them as my brothers so I really have no idea why guys because of that fact tend to think that just because I’m nice to them or text them often, I’m already head over heels in love with them.

It must be the ego speaking but seriously, WHAT IS UP WITH THAT??????!!!!

Just because I’m nice to a guy and ask him how he’s doing every once in awhile doesn’t mean that I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM. That’s how I am with my girl friends and I don’t think my girl friends think that I am infatuated with them.

It’s kindda sad because I have encountered FOUR guys who think that way in the past ten months of 2006 and it’s extremely sad. I don’t know why guys are like that, I don’t want to generalize them into one category but still it’s SAD.

Now, I’m more cautious with guys especially those who continually brag to their friends that I LIKE THEM and HEAD OVER HEELS hearting them.

It’s pathetic… seriously.

Sometimes I just want to smack their faces and ask them if ever there was a time that I actually told them that I “heart” them. I wonder what makes them so assuming, it’s sordidly annoying.

A friend of mine asked me last week why I didn’t have a boy friend yet and I failed to tell him the reason why. The reason why I don’t have a boy friend is because of the fact that guys are JERKS. Well, maybe not all of them, but most of them and those who aren’t are married, taken or just not interested in relationships at all (good for you amigo!).

I haven’t found one man enough to JUST ASK ME straightforward if I like him or not and not ruin the friendship entirely.

Aside from this little quirk that I hate, I love guys. They’re the greatest friends one could ever have so if ever you are one of my bestest guy friends, I’m sorry, you know how I am with these things. HE HE HE.:-)

I just hope that they’d get over the ego and I know I am not the only girl who goes through these things, so for those of you who enjoy assuming, JUST STOP okay?
I know you know who you are, so if ever you’re reading this, I only have this to say:

GET OVER IT BUDDY.

“People are like stained glass windows, they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within”

– Elizabeth Kabler Ross

As usual, I was going through the Philippine Star’s Sunday edition and I came across an article that this guy wrote (excuse the bad memory) about keeping the faith during the toughest of times and allowing one’s belief to follow through. Also, one of the quotes I cam across in Jackie Lou Blanco’s article said something about remaining beautiful despite of the darkest of days.

Both articles made me feel sick to my stomach and guilty as hell. Yes, I’ve been going through tough times but I have failed to keep the faith and I don’t think I’ve done anything that even resembles “beautiful”.

It may be safe to say that I wanted to retaliate. I guess it’s part of our animal instinct to retaliate when you get hurt, or get ganged up on, or be fooled (or made appear like a fool). You want them to feel the same things that you’d experienced.

But breaking even is only good in profits. Revenge makes everything else messier and in the end, no one wins.

Sad enough, I think my faith wavered. This isn’t something that I am proud of but then again, it’s the truth.

Everything in my life right now is just plain confusing and I don’t know what to cling to anymore. Before, during tough times there was one aspect of my life that I could cling on to, but now everything is just one giant mess.

The light has somehow died, but in a good way. I guess when everything’s a mess, you struggle to make some sense out of everything and you start again to pick up the pieces and try not to make the same mistakes (that would be foolish of me).

Cliché as it may sound, you learn and then you live again. Bruised, but better.

Now, I hope that this would be my last emo entry, I’m starting to be happy again and no one can take that away from me.

Not this time.

Hell no!

• FACT OR FICTION: I have quit my 4-6 cups of coffee a day habit

– Fiction. I was in the bar last Tuesday during my break for Buyer Behavior and Ms. Jenny started talking about the dangers of coffee. It makes you all wrinkely when you’re older and it makes your heart beat about ten times faster amongst others. It scared the hell out of me for like ten seconds because I don’t want to look like crumpled paper when I’m 40 but then again that was only for ten seconds. I think its kindda sad to think that I love coffee more than my face, what’s the use of plastic surgery if no one would end up using it. Haha. Kidding.:)

• FACT OR FICTION: I’m over the whole failure of my coffee bean and tea leaf advertisment/report that I did last Monday

– FICTION. I spent about a month on that report and for my professor and classmates to just shoot it down hurts. I know its constructive critcism but they could’ve given me some slack and understanding. Talking about it just hurts more.

• FACT OR FICTION: I go through guys like dirty laundry

– FICTION. I’m apalled by this comment about me. Seriously, how could anyone say that about me? It’s just plain crazy. I’m like commitment girl(just look at the ring I’m wearing!). Okay, so I do have my set of crushes but its not like I go to all of these crushes and just tell them how I feel and then just drop them. Most of the time, they don’t even know I exist so I don’t know what the whole drama is about!

• FACT OR FICTION: When I like someone, I run away

– FACT. Enough said, its embarassing enough!

• FACT OR FICTION: I’m anorexic and/or bulimic

– FICTION. Once and for all, I just want to say that I do not have an eating disorder. I just want people to stop thinking that. I consume more oreos than anyone on the planet so Just leave me alone. I’m not anorexic and/or bulimic. If I was my parents would kill me first.

1) Fallen in love with Wentworth Miller.
– My 2 year old infatuation with Nathan Scott has ended. My mom says that I’ve matured in my taste in boys. Move over high school jocks, I’m into inmates now. HA HA HA,
2) Learned to appreciate “solitude”
– Alone time is great time. I embrace solitude more and more these past few weeks. I enjoy the company of friends and the other people that I love but solitude isn’t something that I’m afraid of anymore. Nothing beats a hot cup of coffee, my journal and/or a good book.
3) Not stopped talking to myself
– I do it ALL THE TIME. It’s starting to freak people out! My 13 year old brother disowns me now; he says I’m too old to have an imaginary friend. He doesn’t fail to wrestle me when I reiterate my point that the whole point of barney is to put kids’ wild imagination into good use. He doesn’t find humor in this comment, which leads to more wrestling which isn’t really funny because he is about 5 inches and about 60 lbs heavier.
4) A 13 year old brother
– Oh no he’s not longer the toddler who constantly tags along asking for my BSB tapes instead he is a grown “man” (that’s what he looks to me now) and has been in a relationship for about 9 months. Crazy. Whatever happened to the “when ate gets a bf that’s when you get a gf”. You know what I told him when I said this fact to him? “When is that ever going to happen??” Go figure.
5) Declared Tyra Banks my role model after Angelina Jolie, Natalie Portman and Jada Pinkett Smith
– Self-explanatory. Oh and Jennifer Love Hewitt because she dated Alec Baldwin AND Wentworth Miller. Can you spell L-U-C-K-Y?
6) Given my hair its much needed “OOMMMPPPHHH”
– Just in time for the new term, I’ve gotten streaks for my hair now, I have finally gotten the guts to do it.
7) Gotten over my shy side
– Finally!! I can talk to anyone anywhere.. BRING IT! (Except maybe if he’s 6 foot 3, wears a pink shirt and smiles all the time. When he’s around, I’m plain speechless *wink*)
8) Been nicer to people
– Agree with me on this or ELSE?? Haha, told you I’m nicer.
9) Realized that in order to stay smart and happy, one must STAY SINGLE.
– Enough said. Period.
10) Been addicted to Crime Suspense channel
– So long ETC, Law and Order, Bones, Cold Case and the like are way better than any emo show! Whoot Whoot! Being a crime scene investigator is on top of my “ I WANT TO BE LIST’ next to being a surgeon and getting married to Dr. Mc Dreamy or Kreav. Whoot whoot!!!!

Modesty aside, I give rockin’ advice. Trust me when I say this. I swear to you, people come up to me all the time asking me what’s the best thing to do if ever they’re stuck in a specific predicament. What sucks is when it’s my time to ask for advice, I just listen to it but I don’t take it to heart. I hardly listen to it. I still do what I would’ve done in the first place, which I know is just plain wrong.

However, in the past week, I’ve realized that advices are given to be used. So that is exactly what I am going to do. Use the advice that my mom has been giving me for ages: SHUT UP.

The thing is when you get hurt, the best thing that you could do is retaliate and for girls, it ain’t fist fighting, but the use of words to hurt other people. You backstab as much as you can until finally the other person’s reputation is ruined. To say at the very least, backstabbers are the lowest of the low and I used to be one of them.

But not anymore. As of this moment, I am no longer doing that. I am listening to my mother’s advice, I am shutting up. Unless, these people actually say it to my face, I choose to shut up. I would no longer explain myself to anyone since I firmly believe that I don’t have to explain my choices.

So in as much as I want to be mad at the world and hate it entirely, I won’t.

Maybe this is the Lord’s way of preparing me for greater things ahead. This is His way of allowing me to finally stand up on both feet and let go of the things that have been bringing me down.

I don’t understand the situations of my life and I have no idea how I am able to face each day. Its through His strength that I can go on.

See, Life is wonderful. All you have to do is just look at the right places.