HELLO TO YOU:) hahaha!

I went to church yesterday and once again Pastor Paul has challenged me (and the other people wide awake in the eight o’clock service) to love the unlovable. I started fidgeting in my seat because in as much as I have loved a certain number of unlovable-s in my lifetime, it does not get easier every single time. Pastor Paul is probably the only person who could make me do that, I was joking with my mom after the service that if Pastor Paul was handed the Dragon Lady, I wonder if he could love her too. JUST KIDDING. But it made me think, the world is ugly as it is, what would happen if we go on hating every single person we meet? Besides, that would only add wrinkles that my face doesn’t need yet. A heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders ever since I stopped hating and begun loving, it’s a beautiful world after all.

**

I need a vacation. I need to sleep in. I need to get up later than six thirty am. But I think my body clock has gotten used to it and refuses to wake up later than six, my body would think it’s committing a crime if it wakes up later than seven. Three days of vacation is all I need, okay maybe two. Okay ONE DAY! PLEASE!

**

I just read a blog entry by my good, long-lost happy to be found again friend, Abi on self-related issues. You know insecurity about our weight (why is it a constant struggle anyway?). And it just really made me feel good about myself and made me laugh about my flaws. God knows I’ll never be reed-stick think but whoever said I wasn’t pretty the way I am anyway? It’s been awhile since I looked at myself in the mirror with glee. But just five minutes ago, I did. This is who I am. I’ve learned to love who I am. I would no longer be stuck inside a box that I didn’t even choose to enclose myself in. I’m beautiful and guess what, you are too.

**

I’ve made a decision that would change my life forever and probably only a handful of my nearest and dearest know what I’m talking about. Haha. I’ve been crying just thinking of the decision I’ve made just because it’s something I have not been used to. It’s ultimately going to change my life but it’s a good change and I’m really looking forward to it. Can you tell I’m excited? LIKE HELL YEAH! It’s time to grow up Carla! =)

I found this on Carmina’s site and I’m telling you if you can’t relate to even one of the items listed below, I will treat you to Starbucks and Friday’s! LET THE GAMES BEGIN! Special Parts hopefully to make certain people feel guilty are highlighted, please welcome my comments on the side as well. Nag enjoy, sorry naman! Kaya ikaw din: ENJOY!

Bob Ong’s Philosophy on Love.

1. “Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya..”

2. “Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba.”

3. “Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang.”

4. “Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na.”

5. “Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin.” –hello, elevator! =) hahaha! But this makes sense, ola!

6. “Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din.” –I wouldn’t have use this term pero sige na nga, I get it!

7. “Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang.”–This has happened more often than not. This will soothe a broken heart and a wounded ego like that*!

8. “Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa.” –man, the words that he uses! In Kae’s terms: TUMPAK!

9. “Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang.”— HAHAHA. OO NGA NAMAN!

10. “Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una.”– ENOUGH FONT SIZE TO SAY THAT I AGREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11. “Hindi porke’t madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa.” –HAHAHA. SO PAASA NGA?! HAHAHA!

12. “Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda. Totong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka.”

– I AGREE, HANDS DOWN! HAHAHAHA!

13. “Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority.”

–hmm.

14. “Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili nya.”

15. “Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo.” –waah. Waah. Waah! Na-speechless ako doon and that hardly happens! Ouch!

16. “Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala”

17. “Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan”

18. “Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!”

I’m really more of a conservative girl who believes in commitment at the right time. I’ve believed in this since I was in high school and college plus the real world didn’t dare tarnish that (of course I didn’t allow it to!)

So, I honestly don’t get it. Don’t count on it.

I’m still the girl with the purity ring after all =)

I

A few things can really shake me and pierce my heart. To think of it, I can pretty much handle whatever it is that come my way on a daily basis. I can work my way through it and a simply fight it off. I can handle all of these things without much second thought. I can let it all go without even thinking twice.

Just don’t attack my family. If you want to break my heart and pour salt on the open wound: mess with my family.

My heart is still breaking for my brother and reeling over the fact that his tramp of an ex-girlfriend cheated on him. My heart broke when someone randomly spoke about my dad on some blog that doesn’t even reach a great amount of circulation.

I’ve always been sensitive when it came to my family. I can take all the hits on the world but not them.

Maybe this is what’s contributing to this decision that I came home to a couple of days ago.

It’s something that I’ve always wanted to do. And now that I’m given the chance to actually live it, I’m not having second thoughts. But I’m decided; I will go after that dream—whatever it takes.

Whew. It always feels good to write.

Like the world’s aligned again.

“I have tried in my way to be free” -Leonard Cohen

I’m numbed. It’s like I’ve gone through several high highs and low lows that I no longer have the energy to feel things. But this is where I’m beginning to see things more clearly. I need major restructuring in my life.

I think my heart’s been filled with so many negative things that I need to let all of that flow out of me so my heart can be big enough to love again.

Before discarding all of those negative things, I have to realize what they actually are and the lessons I’ve learned. Then from there, let it all go and try as hell to start a new:

• Office Politics

It left me in a state of shock, calloused, hurt and with a low self esteem but I’ve learned that well, it’s all about the “experience” part anyway. It also taught me a thing or two about humility and how to deal with these people in “God’s Terms” and not mine (if I had it my way, a pumpkin and a chainsaw would be involved. HAHA). It’s all about not fighting back and repaying evil with kindness. It always worked before. In God’s perfect time, baby =)

• Friends that have turned to non-friends

This doesn’t really torment me anymore simply because God has replaced everyone that I have lost along the way. Honestly, I know I’ve had my fair share of catty-ness as well so if I ever I offended you in anyway: I’M SORRY.

• Love, oh silly love.

Jessica Simpson may be a dumb blonde who doesn’t do anything except gush abotu her man (Well, I do see her point, have you seen him?!), but she did make sense when she said this:

“Sometimes, to find a love as big as that, you have to go through some heartbreak, some ugly ones and some butthead ones.You go through that to really appreciate where you are in life right now.”

I’ve fallen in love last summer and it’s not a question of whethe or not he loved me back. It’s just that I fell, gotten bruised and well, shattered myself in the process of trying to get up. I’ve turned to equally unreliable people and may have even hurt some in the process of justifiying that pain. Truth is, it will never be justified unless I perform brain surgery (HA HA). Getting up from it has been difficult but remaining in that dump would be the worse. I no longer want to be the victim. Maybe, just like Jessica, I’ll find “my sunday” soon enough. But at this time in my life, that’s really not the point.

Now, that i’ve let that all out, it’s time for the fast to begin. Wish me luck. Have a crazy, great and lovely week ahead lovelies =)

I’ve been sick for two days already but thank God I’m finally regaining my strength back (I guess sleeping for hours straight can do that to a person) and have earned a few nuggets of wisdom as well.

I need to back to the start- really.

I’ve been tainted in the past few months of my life but I think the only way to move forward is to go back and rebuild my life, only this time I have a stronger foundation to grow on (did I say that right? haahaa).

So you know I’m going back to my roots and going back to things I’ve neglected.

Sometimes all it takes is two days off then you find your self again and a path that’s going to lead to something better.

The famous question I asked Kae (i’m telling you that chick should have take Philo as a minor to advertising!) earlier during one of our marathon YM sessions.

I don’t know what brought about the question. It’s probably the fact that I was home sick today and was bored out of my mind. I just slept and watched sad reality shows on TV (they were sad but that doesn’t mean that they don’t entertain well). I also caught the Obama-McCain debate (I still heart you OBAMA. You will change the US).

And from that question it lead to a conversation on office politics, wish for higher salaries, growing up and well, you know liking what you have for what it is. It’s such a simple lesson to learn but it takes years to get into our system. We always want what we don’t have and once we have it, we no longer want it.

It’s the thrill of the chase I guess.

But guess what?

I’m past that. I’m still wishing for things I don’t have, I mean, what is life without it right? But when I get up in the morning, I’m just really thankful. There’s really not much you can hope for other than a new day to make up for the lousy one you just had and you know what? It always does.

**

Watching One Tree Hill Season 6 on Sidereel.com and Jamie’s question made me laugh “Do people kiss all the time?”

Hilarious.

I wish I could tell him, “Yes, people kiss the ones they love all the time” but more often than not, they end up kissing the ones they don’t like and hardly kiss the ones that matter.

So what gets in the way? Fear baby.

Or something similar to it. Or you know you just take the things you want for granted. We sometimes forget that having it, even for just awhile is pretty much worth the agony of losing it when it comes to an end.

This is another thing that bothers me you know? Why oh why do we always torture ourselves? Why must we always think that something wonderful is bound to get broken or lost? Why can’t we just be happy that it’s there?

Why must we always find an excuse to push it away?

**

I was YM-ing BESHI as well. I told him all about my “adult” life, kindda funny to think that i’m finally, actually living in it.

Do I get a boo or a yay?

I have another embarassing confession (which is why this thing is in contacts only mode).

I liked someone and he was younger.

Not cougar younger (I just turned twenty after all) but younger than the guys I previously liked and he was so magical that he made me want to go back to high school. Which I’ve been highly opposed to because high school is not really one’s wonderama, it’s as catty as the workplace, you just don’t get paid for staying there eight hours a day and you really don’t worry about your bills.

He pulled me back for awhile and I was so smitten that I forgot that despite the little difference in our ages, we were worlds apart.

Thank God, I finally got out of that slumber, as wishful as it was.

It just wasn’t right. (Embarassing if you want to get down to it) But, it was pretty entertaining and was good while it lasted.

It made me go back to my high school days of wanting to party like a rockstar, have as many friends on facebook as possible and go out every weekend. It was good because I missed feeling like that for awhile, considering that I have adapted a very serious way of living for quite awhile.

It was nice but damn, definitely no longer for me because inasmuch as I don’t want to admit it, I’m no longer a teenager and I’ve been given so many responsibilities that it’s time for me to own up to it.

I’m faced with a gazillion choices and you know, it’s time for me to simply grow up and experience life for what it is and for what it offers me at this point

I guess this whole fascination comes with the territory of “not growing up” and the boy I liked was my twinkledust.

But it’s time for me to return to my reality and for the first time in ages, I’m happy with what I see and what I have.

I was pretty stupid for awhile. So much for wishful thinking babe.

So you know I’m at my happy place and maybe this weekend, instead of partying like a rockstar, I’m probably just going to get coffee with a few friends and catch a movie. =)

So much for fairtytales coming true. In another lifetime, perhaps?