Abi Portillo: Because you always always visit my site. XXOOOOO 🙂

A huge thanks, a bunch of kissess and a tight hug to the following people who made me smile over the last couple of days:

• Robbie Jane Flores: without your text messages yesterday, I don;t know how I would have survived. I’m so glad we’re in touch again. I LOVE YOU SOOO SOO MUCH 🙂
• Karla Villareal: just because you’re my best friend! 🙂
• Kae Davantes: Because you’re my enlighten-er. haha 🙂
• Lisa Linaugo: Your office is my place of solace :))
• Memsie Monfort: For allowing me to make gigil over you when I get kilig, for my spaghetti and my coffee!! yaay!:) haha!
• Faye Bonifacio: for putting up with my text messages. ha ha ha 🙂
• Kara Arigo: Just because you’re Kara and you always always reply to my messages, you always pray for me and well, I just love you 🙂
• Dee Villarama: Thanks for your prayers and your invite. 🙂
• My Gym Buddies: Grace, Sarah and Ed-ong! Haha 🙂 We’ll be sexy by November. That’s the deal 🙂
• Wendy Tabusala, LA Aguinaldo, Rene Aligonero, Ms. Madge, Ivan and Neil, Elydia Reyes: For helping me get over the nerves last Wednesday. Very much appreciated!! 🙂
• And to YOU: you rock, that’s all I can say. Thanks for making my heart SWELL.

“We wanted to open them right
then and there, but he made
us wait until morning
because the best things
are worth waiting for”

I stole the quote from Kae’s site and let me just say that that friend of mine always enlightens me. I hope she knows that.

I’ve been going through a lot of shit lately, it’s not even funny anymore. I don’t think I deserve it in the slightest bit, but then again, who are we to tell what things we deserve and which ones we don’t?

But then I realized that it’s time for me to get up from this hole that I’ve been in for awhile now and I’ve realized that I no longer want to be depressed anymore but at the same time, I really don’t want to find my happiness in another person.

You know, sometimes, we don’t really realize it but we end up seeking in someone else the happiness that we fail to give ourselves. Which is really not healthy for the people I depend on so much and myself because no matter how wonderful and sweet that person is, he’s not superman. He cannot heal for me. I have to do that myself.

So, unlike many times before, I’m not going for the rebound here. I’m not going to depend on another person to make me feel good about myself, instead I’m going to heal on my own terms. Grieve if I may and then move on.

Life’s too short, you know? And sometimes you wonder why there are certain things that you worry about.

I was just going through my favorite news sites and I came across DJ AM and the drummer from BLINK 182 who are in critical condition after a plane crash. I mean, why grieve over unnecessary things when you could just choose to be happy.

That doesn’t make me a robot though but a conversation with my friend, Robbie made me realize how strong I’ve been. How i’ve handled things in the past week goes to show how much i’ve matured in the past year.

And I won’t let anyone ruin this lucky break. Just like what Kae said I won’t break. It’s time for me to move on, but at the same time, not move on to another person because honestly at this point in time, I have been sapped my ability to care and love for another person and I really have no business asking that affection from anyone else because I can’t give it.

So, at this point, I’m a bit shattered, a bit shaken, but I’m getting by. I’m living my life, crossing my fingers and hoping against hope that I’d wake up one day and find myself in the city of angels.

When I was in high school, I had this weird parody that once I step out into the “real” world, my prince charming was going to pop up like Mcdreamy did in Enchanted. Another myth that I thought would come true is that he’d respect my purity ring and my beliefs.

But then again, I stepped out of my reality and met my own monsters: Guys who loved themselves way too much that it didn’t leave any room in their hearts to love someone else.

There were good ones but they didn’t seem to understand the essence of my purity ring. Like I told my mom, it’s a series of hits and misses.

I’ve been sporting my purity ring way before Jording Sparks belted on Idol and I’ve always been proud, until I met guys whose faced crinkled from the sound of it. I never took it off but I wasn’t jumping for joy either, announcing it. I honestly didn’t think that anyone would appreciate it (I’ve faced the reality that I couldn’t meet any of the jonas brothers anytime soon) so I kindda stopped talking about it. I didn’t lower my standards but the guys I entertained for awhile didn’t meet those standards either so I kindda stopped talking to them because honestly, what was the point?

I was in a rut for awhile because where was the beautiful story promised by the Ludys, Sarah Velthouse and Joshua Harris? What happened? Didn’t my sacrifices and my choice to wait matter? Was I constantly going to be surrounded by guys who didn’t know a thing about respect?

But then, after last night, I realized that the song isn’t over yet. It’s just beginning. I no longer had to shy away from who I am and what I believed in. However, I’m not as rigid, I’m still the girl, only a little less uptight.

And, in one way or another, I do know that there are guys who appreciate it and the end of the day, it would all be worth it.

“With each scar there’s a map that tells a story
what a souvenir of Young love’s like jumping out
An airplane riding a tidal wave on an ocean of emotion
My heart rips me wide open

I can’t stop
Don’t care if I lose
Baby you are the weapon I choose
These wounds are self inflicted”

-Self Inflicted, Katy Perry

I used to be in control of my life. I used to know how to control my emotions and it honestly took a lot of practice to have that kind of composure and then you happened.

To explain the kind of pain that you have inflicted on me is indescribable, you know? And for me to fall for it every single time is even more unimaginable. Writing used to be therapeutic. I used to string my words together effortlessly but now I’m trapped.

Everywhere I go, I seem to be trapped because you echo into every single area of my life and it’s really condescending, not to mention, consuming.

You’ve taken so much out of me in the past seven months that I’ve known you and I honestly don’t know myself anymore. Because I know, my smart self, the resonance of who I used to be would not allow anyone to hurt her the way that I’m hurting now.

I’ve never been this drained in my entire life. You drain me completely without even thinking twice about it. You’re selfish and the sad thing about is that I tried to understand you, I tried to understand where you were coming from but it took so much away from me and sometimes I no longer recall who I used to be because you changed me inside and out.

In a way, I guess I’d have to thank you because I learned the value of independence rather than interdependence. I’ve gone past depending so much on other people and just learned to rely myself. I didn’t realize how tiring that game could be.

I honestly don’t know if I could give my emotions to someone as much as I have given them to you which would make it terribly unfair to the next person coming into my life. I shouldn’t blame him for the mistakes that you did. He won’t be the same way.

In a twisted reality, I become stronger every time you make me feel like I’m not enough because it means that the person that the Lord will bring into my life will be ten times better. That’s the law of equilibrium; it’s really not something that you can fight.

I’ve stopped being depressed over the things that you’ve said and done to me and truly, at the end of a stressful and antagonizing day as this one, I could only be grateful.

I truly wish you all the best, really. Underneath the bad boy persona and the overbearing ego, you are a good person. I don’t think anyone would ever make me laugh the way that you do. You’re that magnificent.

It’s just time for me to walk away. It’s time for me to let all of this go and allow myself to feel like me again, only smarter. What I failed to realized before writing this entry is the fact that I have the power to say no to this whole thing, that I could get out of this trap and I would do just that now.

I’m walking away and for the first time in months, I’m smiling genuinely darling.

This is what I get for being too engrossed with work and my upcoming MBA:

• I didn’t know that DLSU-ADMU are in this year’s UAAP finals.
• My blog entries pile up because I forget to hit the button “save and publish” once I’m done typing it. I had a week’s worth of entries but some of them are so outdated or too hostile to post. So nevermind.
• My dvd player has been put on hold for almost two weeks. That never used to happen especially if ONE TREE HILL is on my player. That’s how busy I am.
• My text messages pile up. I don’t even have the energy to hit the okay button.
• My accounts have been stagnant for a week and my e-mails to Karla has not been sent as well.

Boo-hoo.

Current Mood: Smitten

Currently Missing: COLLEGE, College Friends, Ate Ro-anne, Karla, Dawson’s Creek!! Penny Brown Smackers, PBA! :((

Currently Listening to: Together: Ne-yo.

Currently Reading: Breaking Dawn, Quick MBA Notes, Strategic Management… Now you can say GEEK!

It’s finally finally the weekend and I’m finally done with the thousand things that I had to finish before I can finally declare that I can enjoy my weekend without obsessively thinking of several things all at once (although I know I would).

I’m at my happy place, you know?

This week turned out to be okay even though *someone* made me cry again. But he doesn’t really control my emotions anymore, I’m really trying not to allow anyone to have that kind of control over me because it gets tiring and draining at its worst.

I was able to finish everything that I had to finish and accomplishment always insinuates this spark in me, like I couldn’t wait for the week to come because I’m excited to finish more than I should.

Maybe, it’s also the excitement over STUDYING AGAIN. Just yesterday, I tried to talk myself out of the insanity, but it didn’t work. Instead, I was jumping for joy when I was printing my review materials. It’s sad that studying excites me in a way that clubbing ever does (that’s just sad, huh?)

Another thing that makes me happy too: I found the filipino version of Edward Cullen!! Okay maybe he’s not Filipino but I guess you get my point. But of course, there’s no way I’m telling you where I found him 😉 Speaking of Edward Cullen, I’m halfway through Breaking Dawn but I can’t seem to read through Jacob’s part. I find him boring and selfish. *sigh*

Last weekend drained me, but looking back, I’m glad that it happened because in a way, I’m different from who I used to be. There was a time that I didn’t believe that a person can change in a week, but then again, a week is really all you need.

Just like JK Rowling said, “You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity”

I’ve known myself better and I’m happier.

I hope you’d have a grand weekend.

xoxo:)