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fairytale condrum

She saw him. And she could bet that he saw her too and suddenly the world stopped, as if it was only him and her. It was as if they were back to the place where the magic began.
Then the lights went back on and she saw her.
The one whose hand he was holding all along and momentarily, their eyes broke apart from the gaze. Someone else touched her shoulder and once again, the reason why they weren’t together.
The reason why they’d stare at each other in a crowded room and feel that the world was thiers and yet turn thier backs.
They both made a promise to someone else and somehow, with a sigh, this is always how their story would end, filled with what-ifs and what-nots, never truly knowing the reason why thier lives touched, even for just a moment.
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that was eternity

it’s safe to say that i had a good week, mostly uneventful but good. battled with several issues inside my head but nevertheless, i haven’t felt this at peace in weeks.

but i’m really not here to talk about how uneventful each day has been but instead i’m here to talk about this picture that i found on tumblr (care of saree if my memory serves me right) and suddenly, everything that’s been happening to me in the past few weeks made sense.

it doesn’t have to be forever, it doesn’t even have to be contained by this world’s standards or its rules on relationships or happiness.

happiness can happen in one fleeting moment and yet its effect could last forever. just in case everything else falls apart or my expectations doesn’t coincide with my reality (i hear wedding bells-sadly), it’s okay, because for a moment it was mine.

for a moment, it was ours.

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you.remind.me.of.a.nicholassparks.novel.howwonderful.

it was a good day and i’m not just saying that it really was.
**
I got inspired to write today and any day that inspires me to write is a good day and although I didn’t get to dance with sunflowers just like the girl on the picture above, it felt that way.
**
So despite such a crappy day yesterday, something made me feel good and it had nothing to do with falling in love or love at first sight or any of those crap that people always sensationalize.
it was nothing like that but it felt good.
it felt good because it had nothing to do with attachments, commitment, falling in love, what-ifs and those other bullcrap that ruins everything.
it was a moment at the very least and it probably wouldn’t lead up to anything BUT for that moment it was good enough.
i was talking to my good friend Toby through YM and I told her this, in between our conversations about semi quarter life crisis, “i’ve come to realize that relationships come and go and you can’t expect it to last forever unless it’s meant so even for a brief moment, i experienced something magical like that it’s okay cause at that time it was good enough”
and i know that whenever i remember that special moment with the boy with hazel eyes, I’d always back with a smile on my face.
**
i finished reading Dear John today and finally I can give a big round of applause to Nicholas Sparks for not making them end up together (sorry if i spoiled this! haha)! It was so painful but perfect at the same time. i could only sigh.
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romanticism gone bad.

Summer: You weren’t wrong, Tom. You were just wrong about me
**

Rachel Hansen: Tom, I know you think she was the one, but I don’t. Next time you look back, I think you should look again.

**
Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.

Tom: Knew what?Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

Endearingly, Tom Handsome quits his job as a greeting card writer and says this before he walks away, “There’s enough bullshit in the world without my help. We help feed into this culture where we believe that love is the answer to everything.”
Okay, that probably wasn’t the word per word account of what he said but I’m pretty sure the idea was close enough. I was too busy wiping away my tears to actually remember what he said line per line but I guess the whole advent of the movie and what the writer was trying to say is that love isn’t this magical crap that we all believe in. It’s not the answer to every freakin’ problem we have and it’s definitely not an anecdote to feed off our egos.
It’s not realistic, all these love stories that don’t cut to the core and doesn’t make us face reality. It makes us cover up what’s there and what’s painful. 500 days of summer shed light on what most of our generation deny, some people just really don’t end up together and sometimes, the other person really does live happily ever after while the other person struggles to get on with their lives. But the happy part about that is that it happens, it antagonizes you then it makes you feel a whole lot better because you went through it and you’re alive.
I guess the movie just spoke to me because it didn’t edit out the bad, nasty parts and a song and dance number could never make up for the crappy days in between that everyone forgets about or tries to forget about anyway.

I’m not being completely cynical; I bet in this big wonderful world, love does exist, because if it doesn’t how can a lot of things be explained? How can sacrifices and miracles be accounted for?
For most people, they probably hated the movie because they’re stuck with the idea of a fairytale and you know, we do get our own fairytales one day, but it’s never the generic, cookie-cutter kind that just snaps out of nowhere. From a conflicting point of view, I refuse to believe that everything is attributed to chance. I believe that everything is crafted and timing is greatly required.

But sometimes, because of this bizzaro need to romanticize everything, we lose sight of what’s important. Just so we could engage in greeting cards, kids lined up on the street asking someone to marry us, fireflies, rockets and other “proof” of our love for another person, we tend to grab whatever person we see past.

I could definitely relate to Tom (and most of you monks as well) because I used to over-romanticize everything as well. A person reading the same books as I do and someone who goes to church every Sunday is suddenly the one just because. It’s silly and I admit that I once adhered to this silliness (with much despair) because I wanted to believe that something so beautiful found in novels, Dawson’s Creek and even cartoons existed for me.

But just like Tom, I had a Summer too and my Summer was a major a** too. But for the first time, I’d like to believe that I was partly to blame as well and that’s because I placed my Summer in a pedestal and my judgment was strongly clouded by my need to label him as perfection, as my perfection.

It was like a drug you know, romanticizing everything. You get up every day and you take in everything, even the faux suffering because you so badly wanted to “experience what it was like to love” when in fact, none of it could attribute to what real love is like.

And to find this real love, I do believe that you don’t have to go through a string of relationships. And for the first time ever, I’m siding with Summer, things have to be casual (would definitely not be as casual as her though!) and non-committal. Basically, it’s friendship (from my end of the spectrum), hanging out, getting to know a person, because even a witch like her got to experience it, you know the last part where she told Tom that “he was right about everything except me” and where she felt, “what she was never sure of with you.” See, even witches go through kismet, even witches understand how the world works and when you meet the right one, the universe clicks.

That might be the exact opposite of what I just dished out in three pages, but believe me, when that happens, it’s not romanticism. I guess, to explain it would be a major fail on my part because I haven’t experienced it yet. But for some of you who believe in it and who went through it, you do get it.

For the mean time, for the rest of us who are still trying to figure it out, like me, I’d kick back, relax, go back to the cinemas and cry over the crappy parts because it certainly feels so good.

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is that seat taken? save it for me.




So you know today was good.

It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t even near my idea of perfection but it was good, I laughed a lot, shared more than my fair share of jokes with the people I’m really fond of and I got to work out.
really, what more could a girl ask for?
i know what you’re thinking: fairy dust, unicorns, prince charming, a better job, singapore.
Yes, i’ve got all of these on my bucket list, but lately, i’ve been more into living in the moment and in building a relationship with the one i love the most and just making sure that my life is built on Him alone.

and i’ve been less of a bitch. i’ve been less of a control freak and although sometimes i can seriously shoot flies because i’m doing the same thing every single day of my life, i hold back because normal is good. normal means everyone i love is safe and happy. normal means i’m not killing someone at the office — this is a joke. normal means i’m not falling in love or falling into a deep infatuation with anyone and breaking my already oh so fragile heart in the process.
and you know, i like this stability. i like not being a drama queen and i like the fact that i can pretty much focus on loving people and loving them right. i still have outbursts but trust me they’re on a whole new level of outbursts.
i like how much He has changed me on the inside but at the same time, there’s so much more that needs to be changed in me and that includes this holistic need to prove everyone wrong, which borderlines into revenge. but it’s an everyday process. an everyday process that allows room for mistakes–although that’s not an excuse for it.
i’m also sick and tired of people telling me to lose weight or telling me i’ve gained. they are the exact same people who’d tell me i need to fatten up, so if i constantly live my life for these people who obviously have nothing better to do in their lives but watch my weight then i’d be a mega pathetic loser, so i guess it’s time for me to step away from that and just move to a point of self-love because it’s true without that, you could never fully love other people. again, it’s a process but one day at a time. and abi was right, if the people who loved me now that i look like this then really, what’s the point? they love me. that is more than enough.

and if a person would judge me based on my waistline then what does that say about me and about the person?

God is really changing my heart and I pray that He does the same miracle for you.
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negativity and finding love in it (it’s possible!)

i don’t regret. it’s just not something that i do. you know a bad thing happens, may it be a my mistake or another person’s, i brood a little, but i pretty much forget about it the next day.
it makes me stronger.
but today, today i found myself regretting something and it’s the first time i felt regret over something this strong and it’s this:
“when i became emotionally attached to you…”
there’s a lot more to say in terms of what i regret but seriously, seriously, i don’t know where to begin and i don’t want this to be another one of my mini-novels.
but i really want to rant! i mean this guy basically turned my life around and emotionally battered me to the extent that i became harmful, not just to myself, but to the people around me as well and it became too much that i lost my sense of self.
basically, it took me a year to find myself again and just when i’m back to rebuilding my life and restoring relationships that was ruined along the way, you come back and torture me on a whole new level and this time it involves work–which is really desperate if you ask me
but instead of retaliating which was the initial purpose of this blog, i choose to use this opportunity to reflect on the things that has happened in the past year and instead of being mad, i choose to be grateful that despite this situation, i learned to value the people around me and i learned to forgive myself (which i think is the most important think–a wise advice given to me by a good friend) and ask for peace not just for myself but for those that i have harmed along the way.
that carla, who fell into deep and who believed so much in this fairytale, was an ugly person. she was insecure and she wanted to be better than everyone. she was so driven that she was clouded by hate and anger and it took that person awhile to leave that dark shadow.
so if ever i’ve hurt you in the process of dark carla, i am deeply sorry.
and to that person: you know despite all this hell that you’ve put me through My God has given me enough grace to wish you the best and wish you real happiness. And peace, I really wish you peace.
I’m closing this chapter for good. It’s over and never will I speak about it again.
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a whole lot of ramblings, but this has heart. trust me.

“It’s just that I didn’t want to be somebody’s crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too.”
This weekend without realizing it, i have been sucked into the relationshit drama again and none of which are my own. Seriously, I love the fact that my friends run to me for advice, but really, am I the best person to ask? I appreciate it though.
But somehow I don’t appreciate this, “I can’t live without this person. I gave up my pride, my ego for this person and this is how this person repays me?”
It drove me crazy partly because I haven’t had a relationship conversation in a really long time and for the past months, unless it’s related to enrollment projection, my educ unit subjects, the latest book i’m reading OR mandarin then it really doesn’t interest me (or in reality, i don’t have the time to allow it to interest me).
I don’t want to be mean, the conversation was good, but seriously, there’s gotta be more to life than just being entirely dependent on one person.

And i’m not saying this to be negative or bitter or cynical. I’m saying it because it’s a fact and a way of life. Don’t get me wrong, it must be wonderful and great to have someone at the end of the day or someone who loves you because of you, despite messy airport hair and ugly eyeglasses.
It must be wonderful.
BUT my life doesn’t depend on it. And there are guys I like but I won’t marry them in an instant just because I want a good life- that I can do on my own. Also, what is up with these girls getting knocked up just because they want a guy to marry them. Why does every girl think that that is what will get a guy to behave? Seriously!
It gives girls a bad name.
Why don’t you just all get up, work your butt off and buy yourselves something that you like.
And the reason why we constantly lead depressed lives is because we’re constantly dependent on others for our validation. We want people to appreciate our looks etc and you know, it’s been so repetitive, it’s been such a cycle that it has become so boring.
This entire realization has just left a void and an emptiness in my heart eversince i got back and i’m not saying it to be emotional. I’m just simply stating a fact.
There’s this big beautiful world out there that’s waiting to be discovered. So much beauty. So much pain as well, but just so much of everything to allow one thing, one relationship and one person to stop us from living.
I don’t condone polygamous relationships either, but at this point I really don’t get sticking to just one person. I don’t get tying yourself down in a series of long-term/long-distance relationships when you can have an understanding with a person and yet no commitment.
I mean seriously, are you weak enough of a man?
And guys never take risks. Never.
And it’s kindda unfair to ask a person to give up everything, thier dreams and pretty much the freedom to live thier own life just because it makes me feel better.
That’s not what relationships are about.
Relationships are about allowing the person to grow and allowing the person to be able to live their life according to what he thinks is best for him and not what I think is best for him.
Let’s say that I decide to date this ultimately wonderful guy, who’s a good man and who won’t break my heart. I date him for two years but then since my life’s ultimate goal is to live somewhere else and the opportunity comes up then obviously, I won’t give that up just because I met a boy in the process. And I don’t expect him to give up his career either, especially it’s flourishing at the moment (not saying that I’m talking about a real person but you know whatever).
No strings. Fall in love, enjoy as much as you can then leave when you have to. I think the reason why most of us are control freaks and bitter and mad at the world is because we hold on to things and relationships too much.
If it’s given only for a time then so be it. Even if it’s just for four days. If that was the only time that it was meant to be a part of your life then you really cannot do anything about it.
I think we should make every day a new one. I mean seriously stop interlinking things from the past into today and just moving forward. Pray for miracles everyday then move on.
Thank God for what has happened but expect better things to come your way. I have no idea why I lost faith in the past couple of days when in fact He has been so gracious and He has been so good. Maybe it comes with the thinking that I don’t deserve it.
Truth is, I didn’t do anything to deserve it, but that’s how gracious He is. I don’t know why i keep insisting on doing something to deserve it when in fact, just by being His child alone, I already deserve. Just like you.
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Twitter, you were missed…

… So I went old school and wrote in my mini-diary so I could post it. Not one single moment was missed!

October 04, 2009

7 am

“on the plane! left at exactly 6:30 whoot! i wish i could tweet on the plane, i’m pretty excited :). i know that when i get back i’d be a little different because every experience is meant to teach us :)”

3 pm, Queenstown

“On the bus to Anchor’s Point. Had my money changed and took the MRT! Commuted almost ten bus stops all in all! Nakakaloka! sana worth it si Charles and Keith. Feel so proud I was able to commute by myself”

4 pm, Ikea

“i finally got to anchor point! Bought 2 pairs. we’re having dinner at Ikea! almond cake, chicken and meatballs–yum!”

7 pm

“DUCK DINNER!”

8 pm
“hella tired! I need to save my money until Tuesday!”

8:01 pm

“Jaiza, where are you?”

October 04, 2009

9:35 am

“morning imaginary twitter! had breakfast! so many pinoys working at the hotel and i’m extremely full!”

2 pm

“cheap finds! on my way to lucky plaza”

5:29 pm

“At the singapore indoor stadium. Orchard road, you are not cool! ! !”

5:45 pm

“i don’t miss you, i just miss the illusion of you and me”

10 pm

“at home, watching THE EYE. ps: drinking water from the tap still feels weird!”

October 05, 2009

8:45 am

“breakfast was the same, on the way to sentosa!”

10:45 am

“on top of the sky high tiger tower at sentosa. i love my life! ! !”

1:10 pm

“carl is shoe shopping, ang tagal! can’t believe we’re going home tomorrow 🙁 super tourist-friendly ang mga tao, i love it! Thank you, derek!”

3:10 pm

“officially out of cash. WORTH IT!”

3:20 pm

“i still want a wallet though :((“

3:21 pm

“it’s true, what you want at eighteen isn’t what you want at 21”

5:45 pm

“i got a wallet! shopping experience is complete! but i think some customers are rude to the salespeople”

6 pm

“dinner!! i noticed that the grungy bad boy types are the ultimately good and sweet ones”

6:01 pm

“i think it’s impossible for me to go back to manila unchanged”

6:02 pm

“good sweet and sour fish! you got me, sawa na ako sa duck!! Last night in singapore. Thank you for being lovely!”

6:30 pm

“pocket money is never enough :((“

8 pm

“Last night na 🙁 I will miss you, Singapore. Now watching My Wife and Kids”

October 06, 2009
2 pm

“going home already :((“

2:45 pm

“waiting for the bus to take us to the airport. Thank you for the opportunity. Suddenly everything i built my life on is meaningless”

6:30 pm

“ayoko umuwi! ! ! you were lovely, singapore. i will miss you”

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From Singapore, With Love

I just had the best four days of my life! Or at least the best four days of 2009 so far!

I finally broke away from work and all the stress of living in Manila and went on a much needed trip to Singapore!

Which is something that i’ve been praying for and something that i’ve been wanting to do since last year so yay!

In four days, I was able to immerse myself in the culture and despite what my friends say it is definitely one of the best cities ever!!!

I loved the commute. I loved the food. I loved how cheap Charles and Keith was and I loved how Singapore is so tourist-friendly!

Considering the fact that we had no idea how to get from one place to another, what really helped were extremely nice bus drivers like Mang Peping up there (I wasn’t able to ask for his name so let’s leave him at Mang Peping) and charming store owners like Leong Kee (again, i’m not sure if that was his real name).


I think it was wise not to use the taxi even once because we were truly able to immerse ourselves in everyday Singapore living and by the end of our second day, we didn’t feel like tourists at all!

Armed with a map and money, the bus and the mrt was the smartest way to go around the city. Of course, we traveled to all the landmarks and as for food, we’ve tried the ducks, the coffee and enough Laksa to last us a year.

Sentosa was beautiful as well but it’s still not fully developed.

It’s so nice to go around Singapore because you can definitely see it progressing and despite the fact that they don’t have natural resources, you can see how greatly governed they are. I think the Philippines can only dream of that much progress.

Ang sarap pala makakita ng Pilipino abroad. You can see them working very hard and going about thier lives. It was also enthralling to see them in one place on a Sunday in Lucky Plaza, although I must admit, mas magulo pa siya sa Divisoria on a Saturday! I guess it’s because it’s the only day they have off. But other than that, i think that’s the best way to feel less homesick.

it was also cool to hang out with a bunch of big brothers that i don’t really hang out with on a daily basis. they were also so cool and boring! no clubbing, not even once!

i also couldn’t also get over the fact that everything was so clean! ! ! and that i could drink water from the tap! that i think is the most amazing part about it! also, everyone was so busy, and i didn’t even see an obese person and that’s probably because you pretty much have to walk everywhere! bawal ang pa badjing badjing doon, everything is quick and everyone is busy with their own lives!

It’s so exciting! I think i’d fit in perfectly because everyone is attuned to work and have no time for idle time (you know, chismisan ha ha ha).

Also, i’ve learned to embrace diversity more because Singapore embraced uniqueness. There were a lot of people that us Pinoys would stare at, but in Singapore people didn’t even bother to look. It’s a good feeling to be in a place that embraces people’s differences.
i once read somewhere that traveling changes you and it’s true. my perspectives have shifted. there’s a big world out there, waiting to be discovered.
all in all, words couldn’t describe how wonderful the experience was but don’t worry, i made up for the lost twitter time and will be uploading my random thoughts soon! 🙂