Tragedy.

Everywhere you look, there’s something depressing to see which is why I refused to watch the news anymore, but instead I look on to the good things that our fellow countrymen has done in the midst of this trial.

It’s amazing to see how people all over the country still get to laugh despite the painful disaster left by Ondoy and how everyone has managed to lend a helping hand.

Yes, there are a lot of negativity plagued with this tragedy, such as how the government has responded yada yada yada, but if there’s anything I realized yesterday, it’s that negativity begets negativity and it really doesn’t help anyone.

I spent the weekend at home, trying to spread as much help as I could through the internet (finding lost family friends etc) and delinating news about donations and the like.

All in all, it was a good yet depressing weekend. My heart cannot take tragedy well, if it’s any indication, I had a terrible headache yesterday that could have been a sign as to how affected I was.

It could also be due to the fact that I finished the entire 90210 season yesterday and because of it, i started thinking that i could possibly be bipolar! And i’m not saying that because i’m trying to be “pacute” OR trying to call for attention but i seriously got into thinking that maybe there was a chemical imbalance somewhere because I’m way too emotional for my own good.

But a well-meaning conversation made me realize how silly the idea was since no one in my family is manic depressive.

Another reason why the weekend was depressing was because it made me realize how ignorant some people are. Since the only want to communicate with people was through facebook and twitter, I have been swarmed with statuses of people who were also spending the day at home and most of them were well-meaning and i believe that everyone found a way to help out somehow but i guess some people are just plain idiotic in nature.

“I cannot believe it’s raining again, my plans are cancelled. Would have been nice to drink and party the night away.”

“I hope it rains again on Monday so there would be no classes! Yay“

Also, what bothered me is the fact that some artistas used this tragedy to promote a movie (listen up: cristine reyes!).

I’m not a hypocrite, it would have been nice to have a few days off from work but NEVER at the expense of other people and yes, I would like to spend some time with my friends but again NEVER at the expense of other people and I also understand that Cristine may have had a nasty experience and my heart goes out to her, but really, pulling out the “knight in shining” attack through another idiotic artista, Richard Gutierrez and turning this whole event into your tragedy and your story in order to promote your movie is just plain stupid to me.

Use your artista power for good just like the others who did yesterday (Hello, Jericho Rosales, Kim Chui, Jodi, Pokwang and of course, Bianca Gonzales and hopefully the hot Rayver Cruz too) and stop being stupid for one minute and help other people.

Sorry, I know I wasn’t supposed to be negative, but really this tragedy is a wake up call, not just for the whole country, but for each and everyone one of us. It’s time for us to realize what’s important. Luxurious cars and beautiful houses can be gone in a snap, the same way that you could lose loved ones in an instant so it’s important to prioritize.

i hope this week is a better one for all of us, we all continue to pray.

1) God is with you, even through the darkness

– The book “Finding Comfort” said that most of the time, when we are alone and when we are at our darkest hour, we tend to blame the Lord and this can be seen throughout the Bible, we’ve seen people constantly blame Him when in fact, there’s another way to see it. The other way to see it is knowing that He is there with us through the dark times and all the times that we were alone, He was there to comfort us. And what moved me the most was this line, “He weeps whenever we weep.” Isn’t that an amazing way to look at it? To know that in every heartbreak, He is there with us and although we don’t know why He allows it, we can rest in the fact that 1) there is a purpose and 2) He is with us and in the unseen realm, He is fighting our battles, making sure that we don’t cry anymore or that we survive every heartbreak because it is never, ever without a purpose.

2) The main reason you are going through something is because there’s a lesson to be learned.

– It’s never quite what we expect it to be. Usually, our desires don’t coincide with what the Lord wants for us. Or usually, we confuse what we want for what is for us and that’s the reason why we go through trials. Most of the time, the most disappointing of heartbreaks come from not getting what we want. We think it’s the end of the world, when in fact, there’s something better. However, on the contrary, it might be the one for us but we’re not ready to accept that blessing yet, instead, we’re groomed to be prepared for it. Because if it is given to us at this very moment then we’d ruin it, so what happens to our God’s best?

Also, through hardships, we become more compassionate and we are reminded to be more human. Because sometimes when we get everything we want, we forget that other people don’t. It keeps our perspective in check.

3) Before God gives you the desires of your heart, you MUST seek Him first.

-He’s not being selfish, He just wants to make sure that we don’t forget about Him when it is finally given to us. Great power comes great responsibility. Same with those grand blessings that we’ve always been praying for. The Lord doesn’t want us to keep crawling back to Him when things disappoint us, repeating the same cycle, He wants us to merely progress in our spiritual lives, the way we do in our physical lives. He wants to make sure that we don’t cry over the same things over and over again, but instead, we progress in life. Face each challenge, learn what you can and move on from it. And at the same time, we must always remember that it is all from Him and no one else. And also, we are nothing without Him. This reminds us to not be conceited (something that I have been guilty of) and self-righteous.

4) Those dreams in your heart? They’re all from HIM.

5) We are meant to be living testimonies.

– Yes, suffering is inevitable, whether you are a Christian or not. But we must remember that we are the salt and light of the world and we are meant to inspire people to know Christ through our lives, so how can we expect’s people’s lives to be touched if our own bleak, dark and miserable? This doesn’t mean that we won’t go through trials, but this also doesn’t mean that we won’t have blessings and we won’t have wealth in all aspects of our lives.

It just means that if we keep Christ in the center of our lives, no matter what season it is, we will be happy and will be joyous and we would be able to reach out to other people.

You’re wonderful, you will get your break too. Your heart would no longer be broken and we’d be singing the same tune. I cannot wait for our lives to start together. In God’s time, mi love, in God’s time.

I have not written an entry in a really long time and in blog years, that could amount to a century of not being heard.

Well, after my last extremely emotional experience with specific people, my entire system just shut down and moved on to being this robot that works ten hours a day, goes to class and tries to find a way to unblock specific sites at work (I have not been successful, except for you tube. Which gets really boring after awhile).

But life’s been good, looking back, I really don’t know where the drama rooted from but I guess it was well worth something. I see things from a different perspective now and it has been easier for me to let go of people who are meant to be in my life for only a time and be thankful for the people who are there.

I guess in a matter of weeks, I have altered my life’s perspective, slowly but surely and everything has been better. I guess I needed to lay off the writing for awhile so I could fully enjoy this right drizzle of beauty in my life without having to overanalyze it (I tend to psychoanalyze things a lot). So my life’s been quiet and happy since I’ve been hitting a lot of targets at work and I’m almost done with the first semester of school and THAT VACAY at the start of next month is another thing to look forward to! Whoot!

Other than that, everything’s been quiet, I guess it gets like this when you’re rearranging your life and replacing the old with the new. I was watching 90210 and Shannon Dohrety’s Character said something about history not being enough to hold a relationship of any kind together.

Also, I’ve come to realize that God truly intends to give me the best in any given situation and a manifestation of that was shown to me last Sunday and it’s so beautiful that I’d rather not share it here first. I just know that the Lord has a wonderful plan for everything and I believe, that it’s just about to start <3

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together.” – Marilyn Monroe

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” –Rumi

So in true Carla fashion, I ranted about Wednesday’s events to my good guy friends because I felt that they had the answer to all my troubles (usually, they don’t since they tell me things that I’d rather not hear about, that’s the problem they argue with me instead of simply agreeing which is really what they’re supposed to do).

So with all the hooplah balu happening around me I have finally come to the point where I think I learned my lesson.

And there are lessons to learn here.

I think that’s the first step, realizing that something has to be learned.

I don’t think I’ll allow this heart-wrenching, gut-turning experience that left me feeling like a zombie for two weeks be put to waste so I have to at least learn something from it.

So what did I learn?

1) Once emotions or feelings are involved in the mix, there’s no turning back and this should not be taken lightly. Even if it seems like the other person doesn’t care, they always do. So playing with their feelings just because it seems like a lot of fun is a no-no. Also, playing challenging mind games must be halted when you pass your 21st birthday just because it gets trickier. I have come to realize that I’m old enough to stop playing games.

2) There’s really no justification for hurting someone’s feelings. You can’t say that you didn’t mean to hurt them because it was just a game to you; it’s time to grow up, act like an adult and own up to your mistakes. You don’t say or do things because you’re bored and you think it must be fun to win over a guy who never goes crazy over anyone (I have a very Freddie Prinze Jr. in She’s All That syndrome/complex).

3) That my life is pretty good and that there’s nothing about it that I would complain about, I’m just really melodramatic and I feel that it’s an addition to my charm (I know it’s not!). I think it’s time for me to drop the act simply because not everything has to have drama for it to be worth it. I know everybody’s saying that it has to be difficult, but there are some things in life that should come easily. Here I am being philosophical again so moving on to the next topic.

4) That all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord. So no matter how shitty or crummy or horrendous certain situations get, it’s okay because the Lord is with me and no matter what happens, He knows what He’s doing and there’s truly nothing to lose once we place our complete trust in him. Yes, it does hurt and it really can cause one to go mentally insane and unstable for awhile, but it does have a purpose, if only to teach you humility which is really all you need in order for the Lord to move in your life.

5) And it’s true, “sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together” You were the good part; I can’t wait for the “better part” to fall into place soon.

I plan to have a drama free and stress free weekend with good friends, my handy camera and good books (two books lined up this weekend!) and who could forget, my self-imposed review sessions. Remember, being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely, this I’m also reminding myself this weekend.

I’ve been at a loss to explain why I react to certain things, people and situations the way that I do and I’ve been reading Captivating this weekend and found that maybe I’m not the only woman experiencing this, so if you have been trying to understand me, here it goes:

“Fallen Eve controls her relationships. She refuses to be vulnerable. And if she cannot secure her relationships, the she kills her heart’s longing for intimacy so that she will be safe and in control. She becomes a woman “who doesn’t need anyone-especially a man”. How this plays out over the course of her life, and how the wounds of her childhood shape her heart’s conviction are often a complex story, one worth knowing.

But beneath it all, behind it all is a simple truth: women dominate and control because they fear vulnerability. Far from God and far from Eden, it seems like the perfectly reasonable way to live.

That self-protective way of relating to others has nothing to do with real loving and nothing to do with deeply trusting God. It is our gut-level response to a dangerous world”

**
“We hide behind the makeup. We hide behind our humor. We hide with angry silences and punishing withdrawals. We hide ourselves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe. We act in self-protective ways and refuse to offer what we truly see, believe and know. We will not risk rejection or looking like a fool. We hide because we are afraid. We have been wounded and wounded deeply. To hide means to remain safe.

We don’t return to God with our broken and desperate hearts. And it has never occurred to us that in all our hiding, something precious is lost.”

**
“We don’t feel worthy of pursuit. So we hang a “do not disturb” sign on our personalities, send a “back off” message to the world. We try so hard and in so many ways, to protect our hearts from further pain.”

The only reason that I mention someone else is because I wanted to make you feel that you’re not the only one when in truth, you are the only one.

The only reason I told you about what happened before is to see if you’d react well to it. But that’s over and done with, if I knew that you were coming, I wouldn’t even consider it.

The only reason I tried to push you away is to see if you’d come back.

But none of them matters, okay? Just stop being so arrogant and believe that.

1) I’m surrendering and praying for you.

2) For you, I’ll let go of my pride and my insecurities.

3) I’ll take the risk because I don’t want to live my life fearing it. I want to be the type of person who always takes the risk.

4) Stargirl didn’t give up on Leo that easily and neither will I.

5) Prepare to be surprised, very surprised.