There comes a point in your life when everything you used to believe in crashes and falls apart. At the advent of this, you wonder where you went wrong and where the cracks began.

Under sheer pressure, you realize that well, it’s not that you like the person you have become, but in a way, you appreciate it. You appreciate it because once in your life, you’re finally finally numbed and you’re finally transitioning into this other phase of your life where you hope that things are more stable-emotionally because everything else just follows from there.

I once heard that we are filled to be emptied again- that’s just how the Lord works in our lives.

With the new things happening in my life, I’m totally lost. I don’t know where to go from here, simply because the main foundation that my life has been built on for the past twenty years have been pulled from under me. Even I don’t understand where all this anger and hurt is coming from.

All I know is that what I’m standing on at this very moment is my relationship with the Lord and no one, not even those whom I love more than life itself can take that away.

At this point, it’s really all I have.

Sheer faith is the only thing that’s keeping me from falling apart.

Can the world stop being a bitch for a day? Please?

I was going through PerezHilton.Com earlier (it’s a guilty pleasure, I know, I know) and I saw Anne Hathaway winning Best Actress in the People’s Choice award or something like that and her speech left me teary-eyed.

It made me think of the ordeal that she’s just been through (you know with the jailed boyfriend etc) and it made me think, when something good happens, does something really have to suffer? Like should you give your happiness up in one area so you can be happy in another? Does it always have to be a choice? Can’t we have everything at once? Or is that being way too selfish?

After my ordeal with the kids, I always thought that things will be better, but I’ve gone back down to reality and a few things have been way too shabby.

Again, it goes back to letting certain people in your life go because they’re not meant to be a part of it for so long.

I mentioned in my blog once that I’m no longer afraid of life’s little challenges because there’s always a miracle lurking around somewhere. I just don’t want to be bitter anymore.

In a way, I owe not feeling bitter to those eight wonderful kids that I fell in love with.

It’s like I owe it to them to always act or be my best at all times because they knew that I could be better than some bitter, selfish twenty year old. They knew that I had it in me to love and not ask anything in return.

Dealing with people and friends can be difficult on some levels. But as Tini said: You should only demand for what you can give out.

That may be the problem with me: I give so much of myself, I trust people too much and I always expect the best from people.

It’s wrong, because people aren’t perfect and neither am I. But I don’t want to sulk anymore, this is just one of life’s ironic twists and in the end it’s only something that was sent to make me better and treat people better.

Whenver I start a friendship with someone I always give my hundred one percent, it make take awhile before I completely warm up to someone but when I do, there’s no question about it: I give it my all.

Maybe, I have been giving my all to the wrong people. Maybe I have been investing my time to people who are not even worth a single cent of it. But here I go again, thinking that there’s a good in everyone and in time, it will manifest.

Ohman, I really don’t want this kind of drama for this year, but you know I guess the Lord is trying to teach me something and strengthen me emotionally. Not to give too much of myself and be more levelheaded in terms of giving my trust to people.

It’s another lesson learned, but it’s pretty much worth it.

God’s good and I do believe that one area of my life has to suffer so the other can be happy.

Everything works together for the good of those who love the Lord. I put my complete trust in Him in every aspect of my life.

Only great things are instore. 🙂

I went through my old notes on Facebook yesterday and I cannot exactly pinpoint what I’m feeling. Relief, I guess?

The greater part of me is grateful, grateful, because after the rollercoaster of the last couple of months of 2008, I am at a better place, less emotional, more rational.

Another part of me is breaking because of what I went through, sometimes, I take a step back and wonder how I went through all of it with a brave face.

But then again, I’m here aren’t I? And I’ve created a greater understanding of the world- and I’m at the point wherein I no longer resent it.

That Tagaytay trip is truly defined my life.

I was scared to go back to work and to a different environment, but the work that the Lord has done in me is here and it’s not going away. It’s there. Everything served its purpose, so I’m here and at peace with myself and the world.

I just realized that happiness is not based on what or who I have in my life. It’s about the people the Lord brings in and how much joy and miracles they sprinkle my life with.

**

Sometimes, I forget that KC’s gone.

Sometimes, I still feel her whispering to me and giggling over something random I just did that it makes me think she’s still here. It makes me realize though, that she was never gone and that her crazy and gentle spirit is still with me. It guides me in her unique and whacked out way.

I just realized just how much I missed her still. KC was truly one of the greatest people I’ve known. And her death inspired me to become better and to treat people better.

I still dream about KC sometimes and sometimes, I still become stubborn and try to fend off her warnings but most of the time she was right.

Wherever she is, I still carry her laughter and kind words in my heart.

And Kace, this time, I’m listening to you. In an extremely weird sense, I believe you’d approve of this one. I just know it.

Thanks for guiding me all the time beautiful, heaven is lucky to have you there. I bet you’re coloring all of their hair and insisting that a foil wrap can actually turn the angels’ hair into dreadlocks.

Oh and I still think of you every time, I see a washable blue colored dye. I cannot believe you talked me into it!

I love you Kace, you are still missed.

So I’m back to my real work today and inasmuch as I still miss my kids and the amazing Tagaytay weather, I think I’m good. The kids have left an impression on me and I don’t think that’s ever going to go away. It’s going to be there for a pretty long time, even if a new love would come and change my life yet again.

Work is good and it’s funny because I’m probably booked until the end of the month already with all the work that I left behind. I’m working double time so I can finish it this week. I’m pretty much booked until the end of the month

**

I really had a good dream last Monday and that may be the reason why I’m still smiling like crazy today and everything seems so sweet and beautiful. I just realized that life doesn’t have to be so difficult; all you need are people who are as crazy as you are to love you and complete you and when I say love, I don’t mean that kind of love (although I have a good feeling that it’s coming really soon! *hint hint*!).

***

I watched the game for the first time since the conference started last Sunday and let me just say that I absolutely missed watching the games! The adrenaline you get from watching live (I haven’t been watching on TV as well, so I’ve been missing my basketball for quite some time now!) is incomparable! With my busy schedule, I doubt I could squeeze in more time to watch but I do hope so!

***

After the whole Tagaytay stint, I now have more free time at night so instead of guiltily watching Betty La Fea (Oh my dear Ugly Betty, don’t think I betrayed you. If you see John Llyod Cruz you would know where I’m coming from!). I have gone back to my roots and started watching One Tree Hill from its first season. With the whole four years after thing, everything became hazy so I started watching it again and let me just say that James Lafferty is still my dreamboat. I don’t know, he has that gaze that sucks you in!! Okay enough, I’m gushing again.

**

Belated Happy 50^th Birthday to my dear DADDY! =) I enjoyed yesterday’s celebration =) (January 06) I looveee you!

**
Enjoy the first full week of 2009, I know I will =)

I have no idea why I just made that the title of this blog entry. It definitely had a good ring to it. That maybe the reason why.
**
I recieved an e-mail from Pete today and it just made my heart swell that the little boy remembered his teacher the moment he landed in Korea. God’s miracles continue to reign in my life and I couldn’t be more humbled by it.
**
Al’s good friend died yesterday and even if I didn’t know her friend personally, it broke my heart and I pray for her family and everyone she left behind.
It makes me think of life and how short it is. Most of the time we are trapped into its pettiness that we forget what’s important.
**
I continue to pray that whatever it is that I learned in the three weeks that I spent with my kiddos, I would not let go of it. I would not lose my sense of self and I continue to grow in the world.
I seriously have no idea how I’m going to save the world but I will one of these days. That’s a promise.
**
Pastor Paul spoke about putting an end to what we started in 2008 and the Lord whispered to me those things that I’d rather not have in my life.
The work is done and it’s time to move on.:-)

I’m freakeeen optimistic: all my dreams will come true this year and the saving the world thing, it will happen.

I have no idea why I just made that the title of this blog entry. It definitely had a good ring to it. That maybe the reason why.
**
I recieved an e-mail from Pete today and it just made my heart swell that the little boy remembered his teacher the moment he landed in Korea. God’s miracles continue to reign in my life and I couldn’t be more humbled by it.
**
Al’s good friend died yesterday and even if I didn’t know her friend personally, it broke my heart and I pray for her family and everyone she left behind.
It makes me think of life and how short it is. Most of the time we are trapped into its pettiness that we forget what’s important.
**
I continue to pray that whatever it is that I learned in the three weeks that I spent with my kiddos, I would not let go of it. I would not lose my sense of self and I continue to grow in the world.
I seriously have no idea how I’m going to save the world but I will one of these days. That’s a promise.
**
Pastor Paul spoke about putting an end to what we started in 2008 and the Lord whispered to me those things that I’d rather not have in my life.
The work is done and it’s time to move on.:-)

I’m freakeeen optimistic: all my dreams will come true this year and the saving the world thing, it will happen.

And not it’s not with Nathan Scott just yet!

My three week stint in Tagaytay ended yesterday and I’m still crying (I have proven that tear ducts do NOT dry up!). I miss the kids terribly, there’s also that fear of going back to my reality on Monday and it hits like a cold bucket of cold water.

Reality is, I do not want to go back.

I want to go back to Tagaytay (even if the place was shittttyy at its best) and be with the kids. The six hours I spend with them everyday is nothing compared to the fulfillment and joy that I feel. It’s crazy to be loved that way and what’s even more amazing is the fact that I could love that way as well.

That’s the reason why I’m having difficulty letting go, it’s because I didn’t know that I had it in me. I didn’t know that I could love like that unconditionally. I’m afraid of letting go because if i’m put in a rather nasty working environment, then I might retort to my old defensive ways (you know the whole prey-predator drama, yes it exists in the workplace!) and I really don’t want that to happen.

I’m liking the person that I have become in the past three weeks. I guess, it’s always been there, not that I’m bragging or being self-righteous: there are just two sides to every person and I’m liking that side more than the psycho, defensive one.

There are some people that you have to let go of since they don’t do you any good while there are some people you keep, but as I keep on saying, there are people who are only meant to be in your life for a short while.

I do hope I keep in touch with my eight angels and meet so many more along the way. This is just the beginning.

So, no more bitchy moments from me! No more wishing I was somebody else and basically enough about this whole “me” thing. Hopefully, I’ll touch more lives this year 🙂