Sometimes you can’t see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.

Ellen DeGeneres

I’m on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I’m gonna rip it off.

Ellen DeGeneres

It’s better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone – so far.
Marilyn Monroe

Something happened yesterday while I was reading this feel good book (When I say feel good, I do mean something that eleven year olds would read. No, they do not involve pictures but they do involve big letters. That’s the reason I’m writing this blog entry using times new roman, in homage to the book.)

And suddenly I snapped out of it.

Like, for the past couple of weeks, I’ve been directly or indirectly blaming people for the certain things that have been happening in my life. I’m not kidding, I could do no wrong. I’m not saying that I’m perfect, I just kept on insisting on the fact that well you know, I’m the victim. Cry Cry. Blah blah.

But then, victim or not, you become sick of it. Well, at the very least I did. It was an extremely hot day yesterday and it affected my mood, (for someone who’s been living under crazy tropical weather for the past twenty years, I do complain about the heat a lot) and well, you know it created this domino effect. I played my usual brat self on my dad (well, it only works with him anyway) and I felt so guilty. Because, for cripes’ sake, I’m no longer eighteen.

I’m twenty years old and was given tremendous responsibility already. I’m no longer in college so it’s time to own up.

But you know I can be fulsome as well. I can be on a cloud sometimes and forget that, hey little girl, you’re human and you have faults of your own.

I’ve always been big on change but at the same time, always been afraid of the thought of it. You know those moments when you start thinking, “I’ve been this way for the longest time, how do I get out of it?”

Thank God for Kara. She’s always been patient with me. I told her of my fears and where do I begin and she insisted that leaving your old self behind (yes that pays homage to that Nike Ad in 2005. That was a good one) is a very liberating experience and one that I may need right now. It encouraged me to do just that because you know I’ve been doing this “me” thing for awhile and yes, my life is pretty slick but there must be something more that this life to offer.

Specifically, something that doesn’t involve the word “me”.

I really want to be more involved in church and I think the only way for me to do that is to start driving! I swear it’s so hard to be mobile when you have to depend on someone to take you from here to there. That’s one of my plans.

A bomb dropped earlier and instead of taking it the wrong way (crycryblahblah), I felt a stronger sense of self. Like, although it sucks, I know it’s all going to work out towards the end. All I need is a little patience, less “me” time and you know focus on other stuff.

I think I’ve clung to the wrong things for awhile. I forgot the happiness starts and ends with HIM.

So I’m on this mission for the next couple of weeks: I would not be cynical. Will not say anything that I don’t want people saying about me and you know just take it one step at a time.

And oh yeah, no boys for awhile. All they cause are stupendous headaches.

Have a great week J

Sometimes you can’t see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.

Ellen DeGeneres

I’m on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I’m gonna rip it off.

Ellen DeGeneres

It’s better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone – so far.
Marilyn Monroe

Something happened yesterday while I was reading this feel good book (When I say feel good, I do mean something that eleven year olds would read. No, they do not involve pictures but they do involve big letters. That’s the reason I’m writing this blog entry using times new roman, in homage to the book.)

And suddenly I snapped out of it.

Like, for the past couple of weeks, I’ve been directly or indirectly blaming people for the certain things that have been happening in my life. I’m not kidding, I could do no wrong. I’m not saying that I’m perfect, I just kept on insisting on the fact that well you know, I’m the victim. Cry Cry. Blah blah.

But then, victim or not, you become sick of it. Well, at the very least I did. It was an extremely hot day yesterday and it affected my mood, (for someone who’s been living under crazy tropical weather for the past twenty years, I do complain about the heat a lot) and well, you know it created this domino effect. I played my usual brat self on my dad (well, it only works with him anyway) and I felt so guilty. Because, for cripes’ sake, I’m no longer eighteen.

I’m twenty years old and was given tremendous responsibility already. I’m no longer in college so it’s time to own up.

But you know I can be fulsome as well. I can be on a cloud sometimes and forget that, hey little girl, you’re human and you have faults of your own.

I’ve always been big on change but at the same time, always been afraid of the thought of it. You know those moments when you start thinking, “I’ve been this way for the longest time, how do I get out of it?”

Thank God for Kara. She’s always been patient with me. I told her of my fears and where do I begin and she insisted that leaving your old self behind (yes that pays homage to that Nike Ad in 2005. That was a good one) is a very liberating experience and one that I may need right now. It encouraged me to do just that because you know I’ve been doing this “me” thing for awhile and yes, my life is pretty slick but there must be something more that this life to offer.

Specifically, something that doesn’t involve the word “me”.

I really want to be more involved in church and I think the only way for me to do that is to start driving! I swear it’s so hard to be mobile when you have to depend on someone to take you from here to there. That’s one of my plans.

A bomb dropped earlier and instead of taking it the wrong way (crycryblahblah), I felt a stronger sense of self. Like, although it sucks, I know it’s all going to work out towards the end. All I need is a little patience, less “me” time and you know focus on other stuff.

I think I’ve clung to the wrong things for awhile. I forgot the happiness starts and ends with HIM.

So I’m on this mission for the next couple of weeks: I would not be cynical. Will not say anything that I don’t want people saying about me and you know just take it one step at a time.

And oh yeah, no boys for awhile. All they cause are stupendous headaches.

Have a great week J

After my last emotional entry, I don’t think I need a new one right? But what the heck, this is me we’re talking about, so i’ll just go ahead and give it a go.

I went to church this morning and was so grateful over the fact that finally, Pastor Paul is back.

Church today was an amazing experience and effective, to say at the very least because, well, I was jolted out of this little depression thing that I’ve had going on for quite awhile.

I guess you can say that I don’t take it lightly when I don’t get what I want. But then Faye says that it’s all part of the process so I’m taking it all in. But, how do I do just that without falling apart, you know? Like how do I do that without going through the kinks?

Here I go again overanalyzing every single detail of my life. Darn. I was supposed to say that I need a break but you really can’t take a break from reality so I’d rather stop living in this bubble.

I’m such an idealist, it can be so scary.

So, no more depression thing. No more expecting from people.

I’ll just have faith. I lost it for awhile, but I get a feeling that it’s back.

Let’s all have a happy week ahead because I know that I just had a freakkeen lousy one.

🙂

*WARNING: A HIGHLY EMOTIONAL ENTRY.

I’m an idealist and a hopeless romantic.

Which is why I always get involved in situations where just because a guy looks a certain way, I end up liking him. Like in a big way, I drum up about several things about him and get disappointed when he isn’t any of them. Which isn’t really fair to him or to me because, well, it’s not based on reality. It’s based on several senseless things and inasmuch as I don’t want to be hurt or disappointed, I end up being hurt and disappointed just because I refused to believe in reality.

It’s wrong on many accounts, maybe it’s my way of you know, shielding myself. That’s what I do. Like putting these guys on a pedestal would somehow allow me to find fault thus allowing me to turn away from them because they weren’t “good enough”, which is truly truly a bunch of psychobabble, but somehow it makes sense.

Let’s use as an example my latest misadventure. On all levels, I shouldn’t have, you know? I shouldn’t have stepped in there because I would be disappointed. We’re worlds apart and I insisted on having my way just because he’s so freakkeen cute and a freakken carbon copy of Michael Moscovitz.

But it wasn’t fair, ya know? Now, I realized that he’s nowhere near perfect like all of us are. He’s just a boy and I expected too much from him like I do every single person that I meet.

It’s not funny. I expect too much from people and end up being disappointed. So there’s obviously something wrong here.

I’m thinking too much and doing so little.

Meaning, I don’t even take the time out to step down from the clouds and truly know a person before jumping in. I just JUMP. I just jump and daydream. Which for one who majored in marketing, that’s something that comes in handy but you know, for living my day to day living, that’s really not something I’m proud of.

I should STOP OVERANALYZING, EXPECTING and THINKING too much. I should honestly start living.

This little thing that I had going for awhile did something significant. It pushed me to the brink. It made me realize how stuffy my life has been. I’m taking a giant leap of faith instead. That it’s all going to work without me pining or working overtime to make it work.

it will work if its meant to, love.

I can be such a manipulative bitch sometimes. HA HA HA.

This isn’t something I do, I’ve never been one to pour my heart out on my multiply/facebiij page simply because it’s unbecoming of me, honey.

But, at this point, I feel that this is the only way that I could reach you.

Don’t be so afaraid of me, love. I honestly wouldn’t want to scare you off. You probably know more about these things than I do.

You want to know why I like you? I like you because you’re the guy I was praying for when I was seventeen. Sweet, smart, charming and the exact replica of Michael Moscovitz! If I met you when I was seveteen, I would have been one happy gal. 🙂

But you wouldn’t have noticed that girl anyway. I guess the whole point of this long run-on sentence is that well, you’re fascinating and extremely unique. You’re definitely not like the guys I deal with on a daily basis.

So, whatever it is that’s scaring you. I hope you keep these two things in mind:

1) I don’t bite.

2) I won’t hurt you, leave you or anything remotely close to it.

Today’s a new day and yesterday was pretty wicked, so I should be happy. But happiness is pretty relative. Emotions can be pretty tricky, ya know? Some thing goes for desire. You can piine and want something for a long time but once you have it, you realize that it wasn’t that charming at all.

That’s what’s wrong with me and realizing it is the first step. (Okay, you got me I’ve been reading way too much boundaries in dating, it’s a pretty good book. READ IT)

Also, sometimes, in as much as you want to stay POSITIVE, there are just some days you can’t put up a happy facade any longer. You want to stop for awhile, breathe and be happy but at the same time, you’re sad because you want something that’s not yours to begin with.

There goes the desire thing again. A quote once said, “There are two tragedies in life, one is not getting your heart’s desire and one is to get it”

So, at this point, I don’t have my heart’s desires and putting it bluntly, it sucks.

In the same way, it’s also liberating. Liberating because it gives you hope when you wake up in the morning and it gives you hope that today might be the day that you finally get what you heart desires. No matter what the quote says I think not getting what your heart desires is worse. It perpetuates through your soul and its just emptiness.

I’m just seeing it on the other end of the spectrum. I haven’t really gone out and gotten my heart’s desire yet or maybe it’s because it keeps changing. So, you know, I’m going around the same cycle.

Which again— sucks.

CURRENT MOOD: Carla is SMILING, FLYING AND HAPPY 🙂

Currently Listening to: Twilight Playlist, MUSE (LOOVEEE MUSEEEE!!) COLD PLAY, DUFFY, Sara Bareilles among others 😉

There was this beautiful girl who just walked in the room and I almost fell out of my seat. She was that beautiful and as a girl, you would immediately know my reaction, awe and then well, you know insecurity. But only for a split second but I must admit that you know it did bother me a bit. I don’t think any female specie would feel any differently.

Unfortunately, that’s how the world works, in jest. I mean, just like what Karla and I were talking about the other day, you can control your emotions and what you think of. After a moment’s notice of insecurity and got over it. I was just grateful for the many things I had and realized that I was too busy to pine for things that I didn’t have.

Another thing: I got out of the past week ALIVE. After all the drama, the sucky weather, heartaches and then some, I’m alright. Better, I dare say and I couldn’t wait to relax this weekend. I have three books to consume and have accounting to study for. Plus, I have to catch my brother sing in this a-capella competition this Sunday!! I’m so proud of my little brother. He’s juggling so many things!

My officemate said that it was as if I was floating (thus the current mood) and they noticed that I’ve been grinning all day. Ha. Maybe because it’s the weekend already or maybe it’s because of other things. But hang on, I’m taking it slow this time.

happy weekend, everyone =)

WRITE ANYTHING RANDOM ABOUT THE FOLLOWING NUMBERS. KEEP THE REASON/WHO IT IS AS ANONYMOUS AS YOU CAN!
1. who makes you happy
2. your current frustration
3. a song
4. a friend
5. a prayer
6. something exciting
7. a secret
8. your ex
9. current favorite *insert person here*
10. your dream

1) YOU MAKE ME HAPPY. You made my heart swell and most importantly, you made me hope again. You made me optimistic again, so thanks. Till the time is right, my love. (That’s such an Edward Cullen thing to say. I’m proud!)

2) Don’t get me started. O, ano, Masaya ka na?

3) There’s too many things that i haven’t done yet
Too many sunsets
I haven’t seen
You can’t waste the day wishing it’d slow down
You would’ve thought by now
I’d have learned something

I made up my mind when i was a young girl
I’ve been given this one world
I won’t worry it away
But now and again i lose sight of the good life
I get stuck in a low light
But then Love comes in

How far do i have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do i have to go to get to you
Many the miles
But send me the miles and i’ll be happy to follow you Love

4) I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. You’re one of the best EVER. Xooooxoooooo =)

5) “Dear Lord, allow me to let go of all the hurt, help me to forgive and bring this person to me at the right time, when we’re both ready. I’m willing to let go now, if it means that we will be together in the future. AMEN”

6) ATENEO VS. LA SALLE AT THIS VERY MOMENT!!!!! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ATEENNNEEEOOOOOOOO. Although my nearest and dearest are from DLSU. Haa haa J

7) Take me to the city of Angels. Got the hint? I would definitely risk it. J

8) This is all I can say, “MASAYA KA NA?” If your whole charade last week made you happy then I’m happy that I contributed to that happiness. GROW UP.

9) I have a long list of favorite people right now. J I’m just loving the world, why don’t you get up and do the same thing?

10) Meet my “match”. Finish my MA in one year instead of two. EUROPE. Be a UN Ambassador. SAVE THE WORLD. OH, wasn’t there an “S” at the end? My bad. Haa hahaa J

Carla is sick and tired of ’em bad boys!

Robbie Jane is heavensent:) She sent me this text message earlier, “You know what, you should 🙂 I couldn’t put it into words how I feel to know for sure that there’s someone out there who thinks, cares and love you the exact same way 🙂 Don’t worry, THEY’LL FIND YOU. And like always, THEY COME AT THE VERY LEAST time you expect em to :)”

THANKS ROBBIE. We did talk about a lot more things and gad, I’m just grateful to that girl. It’ is priceless indeed to have someone who just gets it. =)

So yeah, I’m sick and tired of them bad boys who constantly need to be saved. Because love doesn’t have to be a struggle anyway.

Also another musing, shy boys are more trustworthy because when they make a move, they actually MEAN IT and not just to stroke thier ego.

The adage, “nothing comes for free” proves to be truer these days and I’ve been hit by this today when I realized that every single thing that I intake or use has to be paid for. Imagine, dying from thirst and having to search your pockets for change, five pesos to be exact. Gone were the days where the water from the fountain wasn’t contaminated and you got to enjoy the perks of free water. Bummer.

I was reading Shine’s blog entry about taxes and just like her, I really want to declare myself as married with dependents just so my tax rate would go down. It’s so frustrating to be paying for so much when you know that there are MANY Filipino children who are going to bed hungry, attending jampacked classes or worse, not given the chance of having a good education. Where does all the money go? I guess, we all know the answer to that. Everyone’s doing it, that’s your excuse, but please have some dignity and don’t get ALL OF IT. Leave some and give it to the people, instead of continually burying your ill-gotten wealth in some European country, your million and one mistresses, your lavish houses in Alabang or wherever and sending your kids abroad. Seriously, how do you people sleep at night?

My mom is a big fan of Star Columnist, Cecille-Lopez Lilles. She’s an insightful writer and makes you think twice about certain decisions and choices. I’m mentioning her in this particular entry because I adored her article in the Philippine Star today about the “Eternal Boy” because it spoke about my past relationship with the “eternal boy” and I don’t know whether to cry or to laugh about the fact that they do exist and are actually as common as the chocnut that you can buy on the corner street. My mom would probably love that article because it will definitely remind her of my older brother. So, cheers to writers like her, who hits the target every single time.

I was gloating yesterday. My heart was swelling and my feet were dancing. I haven’t felt that way in a long time partly because I haven’t allowed myself to feel that elated. You know, the whole martyr thing worked for awhile but no-can do anymore. I am allowing myself to feel things again and this time, I’m not thinking about tomorrow or about the consequences of the situation and what not. I’m simply taking it one step at a time (yes, just like the song).

• A prayer for Teacher Aileen.