I don’t know where to start this entry or how I am going to relate this without sounding boring or preachy. That seems to be a problem because I fear that most of my entries sound too preachy, the reason why a number of people don’t read this said blog. Hehe. The thing is I don’t like writing about the negative things that are happening in my life or whatnot, there are times that I can’t help it, but as long as I could I try to steer away from negativity. We all know that we have enough of that already.

So, I try (key word here is “try) to write about entries that lead to “hope” or at least a little optimisim.

I am going through a new stage of my life right now and I am trying to face it with a certain amount of optimism. Its not exactly an easy stage of my life, but I am trying to go through this transition with ease and as I’ve said a million times, optimisim.

I must admit, I have always been a people pleaser. There’s like this huge part of me that wishes to please everyone and make sure that everyone around me or currently in my life is a-okay. I suppose its okay, except for the fact that some people might use that to take me for granted or treat me poorly and I hardly retaliate because I know that if I do then I’d defy the whole purpose of people pleasing.

But after the termbreak, its like this change triggered in me. Maybe, its because I’m older or I’m finally leaving my shell and meeting more people and realizing that people pleasing may be this plague that would haunt me forever.

So, now, aside from the fact that I am enjoying soltitude more and more these past few days, I am also enjoying the fact that maybe, just maybe, inasmuch as I love my college friends, I am learning to do things on my own and accepting the fact that we are all changing and that maybe our interests may not be the same anymore. Unlike in high school though, this isn’t something that I should hate them or be jealous of. Its the way of life and Im just glad because I know that at the end of the day, if storms hit, I’d have them. We don’t have to be together 24/7 but I know they’re there.

A lot of us encounter a lot of best friends in the duration of our lives. As we go through life, we also realize that not all of these “best friends” remain that way as the seasons of life wilt away. There would only be a few who would stay and I’m fortunate because my declared best friend during my primary years is still the same person I call my best friend today. Ironic enough, we also share the same name, except for the first letter.
My best friend is turning 18 on Monday and the only down side to our friendship is the fact that she’s 3000 miles away. She left for New Zealand about five years ago, but the thing with our friendship is the fact that it has surpassed the distance.
Funny thing, Karla and I didn’t always get along. When we first met each other when we were about 7 and on our way to the first day of second grade, we weren’t exactly what you’d call a “perfect match”. We were civil enough however to go to each other’s birthday parties and join together as a team when the war against the high school busmates occurred. We became the best of friends however, when we became classmates in the fourth grade. We’ve been inseparable ever since.
Karla was my first ever text-mate and even though I moved to CSA in my middle school years, I often visited her and thus the strengthening of our friendship. Our friendship has gone through the stages of old school letter writing, to friendster, emails and instant messaging. Don’t get me wrong though, I still wish every so often that she lived a few streets away like before instead of being miles away, but then again I know that this situation is merely temporary. I know that when I finally move to Australia for that internship, we will finally have the time of our lives!:-)
I know you don’t like that mush which is why, I’m laying down the cheese on this one. HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY, KARLA!! I wish I was there and I wish that I was celebrating it with you. Don’t worry, I’m graduating in less than a year and I’ll finally be there! Enjoy your special day and don’t forget to tell me all about it, okay?!:)
I miss you so much, gorgeous! And I’m sorry if I haven’t been replying to your emails, I will after this tribute! He. He. He. LOVE YOU:)

He’s gorgeous. that’s a given.

but he graduated from PRINCETON.

can you say PERFECT??

“Nobody would believe in the world if they hadn’t spent years used to it. We can study this in children. They are so impressed by everything they see around them that they can’t believe their eyes. That’s why they point here and there and ask about everything they lay their eyes on. It’s different with us adults. We have seen everything so many times before that we take reality for granted,” –The Solitaire Mystery

Stumbling upon this quote the other day just made me want to read The Solitaire Mystery all over again. I must admit that as I grow older, nothing ever surprises me anymore. Everything is just as it is. Nothing makes me excited anymore. And although, I may be the most childlike amongst the people I hang out with, still there’s that sense of childlike innocence in me that has been arbitrated.
For one thing, my strong sense of belief in people and in the fact that there’s some good in everyone has just deteriorated. I don’t know why, maybe because I’ve been burned a number of times by the very same people that I have believed in that right now believing the same mantra just seems bleak.
Its been going on for quite a few months already and I swear, that way of looking at life is just too plain disturbing.
Doing good may be way underrated these days. No one appreciates kindness anymore and hardly anyone does anything to treat people better. They’re too consumed in their own lives that they fail to realize how much their lives would be easier if they forgot about themselves for a moment and remember other people.
I think I’ve mentioned it more than once before that I want to be a missionary after college is done. I want to help people. There’s always that desire in me to help other people and to lend a hand to those people undergoing difficulties.
I still have that hope, but my passion, inasmuch as I hate to admit it, has diminished. Last night, as my mind was battling with sleep, all these thoughts were entering my mind about how less I focused on helping other people these past few days. I think it all boils down to the fact that these days it’s getting harder and harder to trust people. More and more people are accustomed to lying and even though, you want to help, most people take advantage of that.
I guess I’ve been under a narrow perspective. The world is one huge territory with huge amounts of opportunities to help other people more than just financially. Right now, I don’t think I have enough money or resources to actually go on a missionary trip, but I do have my young bones. Meaning that I’m young enough to go into the wild and grab the chance to help other people. I don’t think I’ll be able to be this free or this able to do so in my life. After college, I’m still dead set on going into as many outreach programs as I could and lend my hand to as much people as I could.
I think for the first part of the year I’ve been too consumed with my life that I forgot to realize that the world is NOT ABOUT ME. Michael Scofield once said, “be the change that you want the world to see” Maybe, I was waiting so much for the world to change that I forgot the minute fact that I could change it myself. It may not be a tremendous change, but a change nonetheless.
As I end this entry, I’m not saying that I’m going to be the perfect saint by tomorrow, I’ve lived long enough to know that NO one could ever fill that position. All I’m saying is that maybe tomorrow will be a bit better because finally I stopped focusing on me and how the world could serve me. Instead, I’d start focusing on the world and see how I COULD serve it.

I have this secret.

Only now, thanks to boredom I am actually letting this secret out.

There was this one great infatuation that I had. It’s probably been a year since I had this crazy infatuation and although I don’t want to sound like a stalker, I’m going to share it with you anyway since I believe that a great tale shouldn’t go to waste.

There’s this guy that I saw one day at the old lounge of our school and I swear to you, when I saw him, the room froze and it was just like in the movies. As embarrassing as it may seem, it was like a scene out of “Head over Heels.”

The main reason for this cheesiness is the fact that he looked like my all time favorite poster boy: Ryan Merriman. I swear, he was like his twin! And so began my crazy crush on one of the smartest guys on the planet: Marcel Longerich.

I’m unflinchingly saying his name due to the fact that this super being doesn’t know that I exist. Well, maybe he used to know I exist due to the fact that I was on registration committee and in one of his classes. We talked a couple of times, but since he was so amazingly smart, I could hardly keep up with him.

Aside from the fact that he’s so good looking (not a lot of people can look like Ryan Merriman), he’s also one of the smartest people that I know of. He’s so smart, to the extent that he could come to class, a little late due to the fact that he’s working already and still be the one able to answer all the questions that our professor has asked in the entire discussion. He can also twist the way he looks at things and make them appear more significant.

One time, he complimented me on my report and I nearly DIED. It was that big of a compliment because he was uber smart and saying nice things about my report could meant that I did something right.

Another thing about him is the fact that he’s so simple. He’s the no fuss type of guy and there’s just this aura of contentment and peace around him. He doesn’t care about other people and just does what he has to do. It’s so inspiring due to the fact that most of the time we strive to fit in and please people with the material things that we own, but not him. He’s at peace with himself and concerned with the details of his life in away that’s so inspiring.

He knows what he wants and he goes after it. If that ain’t worth admiring then I don’t know what is.

Sad for me, he graduated last year and I do miss seeing him in school every day. Seeing him just turns on that inspired mode in me and it excites the hell out of me most of the time.

Its just a plain little crush, like what Ava had on her teacher on My Girl. That has nothing to do with his age though, he’s just that accomplished.

Okay, now that I have said all of those things its just plain embarrassing. I better stop now.

Not that he’d ever stumble into this, but some who knows him might. So I’m ending it here.

I know he’s going to be some popular person someday and I just can’t wait for his success to show up somewhere.

Okay, that maybe a stupid integration of my favorite TV shows, but hey, at least I tried.

I’ve always been a couch potato. That’s just one fact that you can’t miss about me. The main reason why I quit soccer in the 6th grade was because I wanted my homework done before Dawson’s Creek, Angel and Popular on weekdays. This was during my grade school days and TV-landia had presented us with these TV shows because they haven’t gotten over Melrose and Beverly Hills 90210 just yet. Quality TV was now all over my screen and mainly the reason for my perfect boy fantasies. Up to this day, I still regret missing the first season of Dawson’s Creek, since that first season, I haven’t missed an episode since and that makes me feel so proud.

Once all these shows have been axed, I turned my attention to Smallville thus the awakening of my Tuesday habit. I swear, I wouldn’t even talk to anyone during my one hour of Smallville. After Smallville, pretty much all the other good shows followed. Gilmore Girls, The OC and of course MY one tree hill. I was in love with it when no one knew what Tree Hill was all about. Three seasons and counting and I still haven’t missed an episode.

I guess the reason why I fell in love with these shows is the fact that they presented me with a twisted view of reality wherein I could choose my own happy ending depending on my mood. I could be the perfect singer song writer Haley James on Tuesday night and the very smart and savvy Veronica Mars come Wednesday night. Part of the charm of these shows is the fact that it made me look forward to every episode and produces that excitement on its designated day.

However, with the arrival of these pirated all in one CD seasons, its very tempting to just consume them in just one sitting. I should know, I consumed The Ghost Whisperer, Tree Hill Season 3 and soon Prisonbreak doing just that. Its tempting but it loses that part of the charm of agonizing every week on what would REALLY happen next week. Trailers get me by as I constantly think of plots that could relatively better than the original. Its fun! The waiting part’s agonizing but its part of the entire drama.

So, that’s the reason why I skipped out on buying Grey’s Anatomy and Veronica Mars just yet. Its better to wait and see. Besides, my own story plots are so bad.
* *

For the record, Veronica Mars season two literally fell on my lap, thanks to Fred. So I got to finish what’s left of the season today. And just let me say that I am so glad that Veronica is back with Logan, he’s way better than Duncan anyway. I think Veronica Mars gets creepier every season, but that’s what makes it fun. It seriously surprises you.

Going through old stuff on a Saturday night instead of enjoying Peter Pan II: Return to Neverland on Disney Channel may not be such a good idea.

For starters, it would pull you back to the time wherein you had zero fashion sense and it would take every ounce of fiber in your being to restrain from tearing them apart. They are memories after all.

They can also manifest old journals and writings that spoke of how much joy I had brought about by the simple pleasures, the grief over an unrequited love or friendships gone wrong. It can remind you of how much you used to believe in something but now just laugh at the crazy childhood ramblings. But, somehow, it gave me hope in something that has been trampled on by the many things that life demands from us everyday.

It reminded me of how much I trusted in the Lord and the things He has in store for me. I was eleven years old and I was that faithful in the Lord.

And although my relationship with the Lord has matured as I’ve gotten older, somehow, there’s that hope that has diminished.

I want that hope back. I want that belief so much to live in me again. That childlike dream that makes me smile despite the hectic days and the unpleasant situations.

Wait, I’m being dramatic again. See! That’s the reason why we shouldn’t go through junk. It can jiggle you and shake your senses.

In a good way though, there is always room for improvement- definitely.

Would you believe that after almost a week of reviewing for five gruesome subject this is the only time that I actually had a time to breathe? Its a good thing that I finally get tomorrow and saturday morning off. I’ve been so exahusted and my hand’s so cramped I don’t think I can fully enjoy grey’s anatomy tonight. But I have to enjoy it, I must not fall asleep. The reason why I decided to finally open up my friendster account and try to write something meaningful. I don’t think I can come up with something meaningful just yet. Only that I’m annoyed that I couldn’t update and approve the testimonials that I have on my friendster account. New testimonials always excite me and not being able to approve them just sucks. Anyway, okay, my mind just totally went blank on me. Its like I want to say a million and one things but then I couldn’t. Waah.
Finance test on Saturday.
LORD, help me=)

To begin with geeks rule because:

THEY TURN INTO SUPERMAN (Clark Kent)

THEY BECOME PETER PARKER (YEEHAWWW)

OR THEY TURN INTO REALLY HOT SURGEONS, SPECIFICALLY PATRICK DEMPSEY FROM GREY’S ANATOMY.

Seriously though, GEEKS, aside from beign the smartest people around the block, are probably also the sweetest. They may be caught up in their own worlds but I swear they’re the sweetest.

Also. I constantly learn something from them. After each time I talk to them its like i’m a better person because I learned a lot from just one conversation. There’s no dull moments because I am constantly learning.

Have you ever shared jokes with them? It’s the funnest thing. They have better insights on jokes and making them laugh is like an achievement since they’re dramatically smart.

So, I guess my soeur and I were on the right track. Dorks do RULE. There’s just that little something about them. Thier little quirks.

Its a refreshing change of pace.

There area million and one things that most of us humans deal with everyday. Some mundane and significant, others so trivial that we tend to appreciate how easy it is to resolve them.

These are the things that I must resolve in my life right now:
– My battle with my own insecurities.
– My lack of trust in people close to me
– “THE FINALS”
– My lack of faith in myself
– Little annoyances that pile up to be MAJOR things (no thanks to my emo nature)
– “MYSELF” in general

I’M NOT PERFECT and I DON’T EVEN TRY TO BE. I make mistakes and I say things that I shouldn’t have said due to my big mouth. I’m just simply at the point in my life wherein I want to get out of the personality defect and just GROW UP. The ONE THING that I MUST take control of are my emotions-the weakest part of who I am now. I should learn to grow a thicker skin and have faith in MY GOD. I may not have confidence in myself, but I want to allow the Lord’s confidence to reign in me.

There are still parts of me that the Lord needs to work on and He’s using my current situations just so He could get the message through me. It’s a difficult task and not something that would simply happen overnight. It’s going to be a journey and now way is it easy. But I have a MIGHTY GOD! He will offer me deliverance through these difficult times and I would emerge a better child of God!

“Greater is He who is in me that he who is in the world”