Do you even know what I’m talking about?

I was in one of my phases again last night. I was down in the dumps and unlike before, I did want to get out of it. I wanted to stop wallowing and I just wanted to have faith that things would fall into place soon.

I really don’t know what the deal is with me. I’ve stopped trying to figure myself out and so I did what I usually do when I’m caught in a slump, I watch a reliable movie and cry.

Instead of going through season five and season six of Dawson’s Creek, I went straight to the two series finale and it was better than what I remembered!

Tears were overflowing and I felt so much better afterwards.

I wonder why I’m so friggin’ emotional, it’s really annoying me, you know? So instead of wallowing in my latest state of self-pity and crushed hope, I decided to climb out of it and going to work on a Saturday morning helped.

One of my officemates is currently hooked to Taylor Swift. Her songs are amazing and after three days of it being overplayed in our office, I fell in love with it. Listening to her songs turned my mood around and I’m just giggling like crazy now. Which is just absurd. I’m thankful for the weekend because I’m going to church tomorrow and I can go through another set of Dawson’s Creek again–minus the tears this time. 🙂

I’m getting ready for a quiet weekend with Barak Obama’s book, good food and catching up with friends.

Hope you guys have a great weekend too. =)

Currently Reading: 90 Devotionals to Living Your Best Life Now.

Currently Watching: Dawson’s Creek Season Four (Pacey and Joey just broke up. I cried a bucket!)

Stong Currently Stuck in My Head:
Elsewhere
My heart is in my hand
My hand is in the cloud
My feet have left the ground
My life is turning around and round
Every voices in my head telling me to run like mad
Oh bows and arrows stars and sunset
hey hey hey hey hey
Every heart beat every kiss just
Makes me wonder what all this is
Suits of armours hearts and arrows
Hey hey hey hey hey yeah

Current Mood: Blessed and Busy=)

Which on my case has always been easier said than done. Somehow, it’s always been easier for me to advice my friends to let it all go and just LIVE LIVE LIVE.

I promised an old friend of mine that that’s what I’ll be doing—living in the moment and not overanalyzing every situation. Not tearing it up to pieces like I always tend to do but instead just eat it up, digest it and move on.

What I can’t fully understand is how can you move on from such a precious thing? How can you not overanalyze over something that made you so happy?

Something that made you feel so blessed? I’ve had this nagging thought that the Lord won’t allow you to experience something so miraculous, something you’ve prayed for since you were fifteen and have Him snatch it away from under your nose without an explanation.

Right now, the only purpose of that situation for me is the fact that it’s bringing me closer to God. It’s making me hunger for His word and it’s something that I haven’t felt before. I’m rising to a whole new level of spiritual maturity and it’s such an empowering thing. It makes me look forward to each day, knowing that a surprise is lurking somewhere.

For the first time ever, despite my nagging fears and doubts, I’ve surrendered it all to Him.

But that doesn’t mean that I still don’t get an impending fear whenever the situation is brought up. I’m not particularly sure how to “live in the moment” probably because I’ve never actually done it before.

Does living in the moment entitle you to not think about it anymore? To not go over what happened? Is living in the moment forgetting about it the next day? By living in the moment, does it mean that you can’t relive the moments once its done?

Am I confusing living in the moment with moving on? Honestly guys your suggestions would really do me good at this point.

I guess, at the end of the day, it all boils down to faith. Faith that the Lord knows what He’s doing and He doesn’t need my help in allowing things to fall into place. He pretty much has it covered.

It’s probably my freak OC tendencies which makes me want to control every situation in my life, especially the ones that plays such a significant role.

But looking back, I’ve come to realize that maybe it doesn’t work that way. As I look back on the major decisions I’ve made in the past three years of my life, I’ve come to realize that well, I didn’t plan any of them.

Like going to the college I went to wasn’t what I had in mind and the course that I took up was different from the wanted and I might say that I’m happy with where I am right now in my life.

I know I’m where I’m supposed to be but with other aspects of my life, I’m not so sure.

But I’m putting my blind faith into this. Blind faith, hoping that things will work out and there would be no more tears for me. God knows how much I’ve been trying to get away from situations like these and for it to magically appear in my face is unfair. I know He’s gracious and He has a plan so I’m keeping the faith.

***
I wish everyone would feel what I felt recently.

Everyone deserves to be happy, even if it’s just for five minutes.

Everyone deserves to have their greatest wish to be granted. Everyone deserves to be happy and not to have it taken away from them.

Pray, my darling, it could only get better.

Enjoy the rest of the week! Be Blessed!

I have the coolest parents in the world. I know most of the time we have our arguments over irrelevant things but over the weekend, I just realized how blessed I am to have them in my life.

My original plan for Saturday was to go to work, go to Gateway to find Carl’s book (it’s impossible to find in the South!), get my mom’s early birthday present in Greenhills and spend the rest of the night finishing Dawson’s Creek season four.
Turns out, fate had other plans for me because instead of going straight home right after Greenhills, my dad was invited to Ne-yo’s after party. Not wanting to miss the opportunity, my underdressed self ( I was wearing my shopping clothes so sue me) went to the party (thinking that it was actually going to be just a “dinner”) and spent time with friends and my parents. Isn’t it the coolest thing that I went to the party with my parents? Haha. It continually proves that I would forever be a geek.

I SAW NE-YO AND SPENT TIME WITH FRIENDS. It was an all good experience, but don’t worry Pacey, I would never exchange my Dawson’s Creek marathons and boxers for stilettos and drinking. I’d still stay at home and be geek-ified even more.

Once a geek, always a geek. Period.

***
Ever Dearest Kace,

I haven’t written to you in a long time. I saw your dad about a month ago and when he saw me, he hugged me and told me that I could visit him anytime. I could tell that he still misses you KC and seeing a friend of yours all grown up pains him. I tried talking comforting him and I think he was comforted by one memory. I told him about the time that he told us while we were sprawled on your bed munching on your eternal stock of chocolates that he wanted us to be friends for a long time and I could come by your house anytime. He extended the same offer and I hope that I made him smile over that memory.
Oh Kace, you would be so thrilled with the fact that the Olsen twins that we used to love (yes, I do remember our Full House Days, we loved even their books!) are now on the rail to rehab and are nowhere near the America’s sweethearts that they used to be. I’m running through Dawson’s Creek again and each episode reminds me of you and how your mom forbade you to watch it, but you had your way. I know you’d be delighted over the dvds.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I miss you dearly KC. I wish you were just a text away.
I wish I could tell you that life gets better after high school. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier and relationships are less complicated, but they’re as complicated as ever. I’m trying hard to live each moment as it comes and I try hard not to overanalyze everything. I’m living in the moment and I think that would make you proud of me.
I guess I just wrote this letter to tell you that I still miss you very much and that I’m living up to my promise of letting each moment count and taking more risks.
I know you’re happy where you are.
Always,
Biankita.:)

In a recent job interview, I was asked what my main goal was in life and I said, “Save the World in whatever way possible.” Which is absurd, don’t you think? The sentiment is not so bad really and there’s truth in that statement, I want to save the world.

But what I meant by saving the world is saving the world the way Angelina Jolie and Drew Barrymore does, by being an ambassador or just helping people in need—no matter how small my gesture can be. As long as it contributes to making someone’s life better then I’ve fulfilled my mission.What I failed to realize is that, saving people has become a hobby in all aspects of my life. I’ve only come to realize this fact last night while I was rereading The Rescue for the nth time.

In my friendships and infatuations, like Taylor Mc Aden, I am drawn to people who, in my opinion need to be saved. I t doesn’t matter if these people actually need to be saved or if they actually want to be saved. I choose to be closer to these people and build relationships with them and try, in my own small way to make their life better.

Looking at it that way doesn’t necessarily make it a bad thing. I enter each relationship with the best of intentions but just like Taylor, once the saving has been done, I run away.

An old friend of mine and I were discussing my need to run away when things are going my way. If you’re one of the few faithful readers of this blog, you would know that I always complain about things not going my way when in fact they are going my way but I just refuse to accept it.

I’m not sure if I’m making any sense. But I do hope that you understand what I’m trying to say.

Like in relationships, once things are in order, when things could finally happen, I find some sorry excuse to stop it.

Just like Taylor maybe I’m afraid to get hurt and maybe… just maybe that makes me the one who needs to be saved and not the other way around. Which is just silly psychobabble, but it makes sense. It makes sense and it helps define how I’ve acted in would be relationships of past months.

It also explains the current state of my heart and the decisions I’ve made. This obsession may have rooted from those crazy puzzle pieces that I enjoyed putting together when I was younger.

I love putting things back together.

That one line just makes sense, doesn’t it?

I didn’t know that there was a rally today. I only found out after I had my id picture taken. Last time I checked, the rally was only attended by five hundred people, but that was two hours ago and I probably heard it wrong. So if you’re into this whole rally thing: no offense.

***
I’m having a really “fff” day. There’s nothing particularly wrong with today, it’s just blah. I don’t know what’s wrong really. Karla attributes it to PMS. I attribute it to my gazillion mood swings.

***
Isn’t it weird that I can’t sit still? I don’t think it’s because of my hyperthyroidism anymore because my recent test levels indicate that I am finally better. I guess my mind is in constant motion and I hate not being able to do things that I just thought of. I know sometimes that’s not such a good idea, but on most days, it serves it purpose.

***
I am currently in the fourth season of my Dawson’s Creek marathon and it’s been a month already. I don’t know why but I am so in love with the whole Joey and Pacey love story. All the more in love with Pacey. He is the sweetest boyfriend, he may not be the smartest, but he is really such a sweetie. I couldn’t imagine a more perfect boyfriend.

I think my irrevocable love for all Joshua Jackson characters (remember him as Charlie Conway? Another perfect and yet highly unbelievable character) is costing my love life. I mean come on, I may have spotted a few look-a-likes (believe me they exist in the Philippines! I just won’t be telling you where they are) but none of them even come close. I don’t even know if Joshua Jackson comes close. That’s just pathetic, don’t you think?

Janine said that I should stop trying to par every guy that comes along my way with someone from the past, from my “type” in high school, you know the perfect student, the perfect jock. She says my standards are too high.

Here’s all I have to say to that: I’m too busy adjusting to my new job and finishing Dawson’s creek to even care. If it’s meant, it will come at the right time (which reminds me of one of Joshua Jackson’s immortal lines on the first episode of season three!)
***
I’m regretting a friendship I had most recently. Although I befriended that person with the best of my intentions, I don’t think she even deserved my friendship. I’m not judging anyone or am I in the position to do so. All I’m saying is I had a lapse of judgment in the past few months but I cut ties with that person already. If you think that I’m like her because I used to be an acquaintance then you’re dead wrong, we couldn’t be even more different.

Again, no passing of judgment, I guess you’d have to know the whole story to know the whole deal which in such case, you’d have to ask me.

Have a grand weekend everyone!

Tonight marks my bother’s junior year prom and I’ve been peskering him all week to take me as his date as he refuses to have one (smart kid).

Apparently, he also refuses to take his older sister as his date for reasons other than the obvious. He says I can’t shake my thang on the dance floor and he doesn’t want to be remembered as the freak who brought his sister who can’t dance to save her life on prom night.

My sixteen year old self would be rudely shocked to hear this, but in the past few days, I’ve been wishing to have my very own fairydust that would allow me to travel back in time and make me a highschool senior again.

To relive a time that made me feel so insignificant and unworthy is questionable to me even as I write this. In highschool, more than anything, I wanted to get out and be free. Find a charmer who’d sweep me off my feet and to prove to all the “Guys” (you know Guy, Guy as in Never Been Kissed Guy Guy) in the world that I was worthy.

Times have changed since then and I myself have changed but every once in awhile regrets are reawakened and daydreams are resurfaced.

I’ve always wanted the grand highschool experience and the grand highschool romance that everyone spoke of but it makes you wonder if it actually exists. Maybe I was too uptight and failed to throw myself in the moment. Maybe like Julianne in My Best friend’s Wedding I let the moment pass me by one too many times. I was too engulfed in waiting for my future to unfold that I lost the chance to drink, have fun and be merry.

Highschool, as people used to say is an artificial world that allows one to daydream and think that the world is as magical as Neverland.

A highschool project forced me to relive the good highschool times (oh yes, despite my cynicism, there were good times) and sigh over the things I failed to emjoy.

I missed out on simple things because I was such a cynic and overanalyzed things too much. What I would give to have those days again.

I’m missing my highschool life in a way that I haven’t before. It maybe a case of wanting what you no longer have or another way of realizing just how grown up I’ve become.

I truly should have no regrets because whatever it was that did or didn’t happen served its purpose in my life. It wasn’t a highschool experience for the movies but it’s the one that I get to keep. It’s my story to tell to my future grandkids. Of course, I would change a few parts: like winning the prom queen title and having everyone’s favorite jock as my prom king. But then that would devoid the authentic part of the story.

As I excitedly watch my brother get ready for his prom, I’m filled with joy because at the same time, I am reliving my own prom memories. Things may have changed and gadgets may have improved but I’ve realized that in the little world that we fondly call highschool, things have remained the same. There’s that one boy who every girl wakes up for every morning hoping today would be the day; the class brain everyone is annoyed with but can’t live without; the class clown who has his own stories to tell; the prom queen; the girl who wishes like hell that she was a size zero so she can be loved and the teacher who wishes that she would be the teacher of a great one someday.

The kids in highschool may have changed, but the characters haven’t. Isn’t it funny how all our fondest and funniest stores stem from this little wonderland? How all of us have something to say about it? It’s something that we all have in common because high school, no matter how it made you feel before is something that equates all of us, something that all of us share in one way or another.